Authors: Ana Layne
The next few days go by in a blur. I haven’t moved from my room except to eat, run, and visit with my dad. I told him about my plans to go talk to Howard soon. I know I’m being a stubborn ass about it, but that’s just me. Maybe I want him to believe I really quit, that I’m never coming back. If he really knows me, though, then he knows it’s not true. Everyone knows it isn’t true.
Out of pure torture, I kept the messages from Hilary, and every damn night, I found myself staring at them over and over again looking for some sort of hidden encryption. I’ve found nothing. It’s pretty plain and simple. She’s sorry and she’s really chosen him and I’m a total, complete fuck up. I’m back to fucking random women in the bar, and I don’t want to be that guy anymore. I wanted to be the guy for her, but she doesn’t want me.
I stare at a picture of my mom and try to imagine what she would tell me to do in this crazy situation. Would she tell me to just give up on her and move on with my life? Or would she tell me to suck it up and fight for what I want? I’m positive she would tell me to fight for her. Fighting is what I do, in the ring and outside of the ring. Fighting is also what got me into this mess.
“Mom, I really don’t know what to do.” I sit on my bed, fixated on the photograph. “I’ve never felt so drawn to a woman. I’m not sure what it is about her, but she makes me want to change everything. I would change anything for her, but she won’t give me the chance. I just want to show her I can be a gentleman, like the guy I was to her back in high school. You raised me right, Mom. I know I haven’t always been the best guy in the world when it comes to women, but I want to be better.”
I stare back at the picture with tears forming in my eyes. It’s just a picture, and she can’t answer me. God, I’d give anything to be able to hear her voice again. I bring the picture to my lips and softly kiss her angelic face. “I love you, Momma.”
I tuck the picture gently into my wallet and set it on my nightstand. Lying back on my bed, I stare at the ceiling fan as it whirls around. The whirling of the fan reminds me of my life. One huge swirling vortex of chaos. Chaos is taking over and ruining everything for me, so I’m putting my foot down. It’s time to overcome the chaos and turn things around. First thing in the morning, I’m setting things straight. I’ll go to Lou’s to talk to Howard. Then, I don’t give a flying fuck what Travis says, I’m talking to Hilary.
***
For the first time in a while, I wake up feeling refreshed. In the back of my mind, I’m know this is going to be a good day. Dad is already gone when I make my way to the kitchen, but he left enough coffee for me. I grab one of my mom’s favorite coffee cups. The paint is chipped on the side, and there’s a crack at the top, but it’s still the perfect cup. I fill it to the brim with the dark liquid and then add a little creamer to turn it the perfect shade of light brown. I sit at the kitchen table like Mom and Dad used to do, but today it’s only me. All my plans for the day play through my mind. Howard is going to see that I’m ready to get back to work, and with any luck Hilary will see just how genuine I can be. I want it to go right. It has to. If it doesn’t, it just may break me more inside.
I finish my cup, and decide to get out of the house. I’ll never know what will happen until I drag my ass out of here. Nothing can kill my mood today. Optimism is running through my veins. I’m making today my bitch.
I change my clothes and grab my keys. Walking out the door, Mother Nature decides to piss on my parade. The skies are a gloomy shade of gray and a rumble in the distance signifies a coming storm. I should have checked the weather. Sighing, I walk to my truck and begin my drive to Lou’s. I knew I missed the place, but I never realized just how much I did until I pulled into my parking spot. Garrett’s truck is on one side of me, and Howard’s vehicle on the other.
I open my door and the gravel crunches beneath my shoes. Another rumble of thunder fills the dark sky followed by a few sprinkles of rain. Time to get inside. I reach out for the doorknob and hold onto it for a split second. It’s now or never. This is the first step in getting my life back in order. This is my world.
I walk into Lou’s, and it feels as if I’ve been gone for an eternity. Garrett’s face breaks out into a grin when he sees me. A few newer members are lifting weights in the corner. They don’t fight, but they like the privacy they get by training here. I make my way to Howard’s office.
He’s sitting at his desk holding his phone up to his face. His tongue is hanging out, and he’s in full concentration mode.
“Are you still trying to beat that videogame?” I ask him as I sit in the chair in front of the desk.
He looks up, setting his phone on the desk. “It’s a bitch. This game is rigged like a motherfucker.”
“I could have told you that.”
“So, what brings you in here today, Lance?” he asks me, like he has no clue why I’m here.
“This place is my life, Howard. I want it back.”
“I thought you quit. To be honest, I didn’t think that word was even in your vocabulary.”
“I didn’t think it was, either. I overreacted that night. Travis pushed my buttons and I should have stepped away. He knew what he was doing, and I just couldn’t be the bigger man and step away. Not when he was saying the shit he was. I’m sorry.”
Howard studies my face intently. His eyes narrow and he’s beginning to scare the shit out of me. “I know. Garrett told me everything the next day. I was going to come to you and talk but you said you quit so I was going to honor your decision. By the way, I talked to Mike, the owner of the gym Travis trains at, and he has decided to suspend Travis for his next few matches.”
On the outside, my face is hard as a rock. I reveal no emotion. On the inside, I’m as giddy as a fucking school girl.
“I know you suspended me, but I’ve had time to think over the last few days. If you’ll let me, I would like to come back, Howard. This is my family. This is my home.”
“I can’t lie. It hasn’t been the same without you here, Lance. Welcome home.”
He stands, pushing his chair back. It screeches as it slides across the floor. I stand to meet him, and the burly man pulls me in for a hug. “I knew your stubborn ass would be back. Matter of fact, Garrett owes me fifty bucks.”
“You assholes were betting on me?” I ask, laughing.
“Hell yeah. I knew you’d be back within a few days. He figured you would take a few weeks. I win.”
I roll my eyes and look toward the mats. I’m itching to be back out there and now I have my chance. Phase one is complete.
Garrett’s smile turns to a grimace when he sees Howard standing against the doorframe, holding his hand out. “Why couldn’t you wait?” he asks.
“Cough it up, Garrett, I win.” Howard laughs, stepping back into his office.
“Yeah, yeah, okay.”
I’ve missed this place way too much. Garrett raises his eyebrow like he’s expecting me to just start telling him all my problems, but he pretty much knows it all. I mean, he was outside when the shit with Travis went down.
“Has, uh…has Raegan talked to…” I stop myself before I can continue. I’m not sure how to phrase the question.
“Has she talked to who, that girl?” he asks me with a puzzled expression.
“Um, yeah, her. Sorry, I don’t know why I asked you that.”
“Don’t sweat it, dude. I think she has been, though.”
My gut twists as I wonder what Raegan and Hilary have been talking about. It must not be anything too important if Raegan hasn’t told me anything yet. I just want to know what is really going on and if Hilary is okay. She may not give a shit about me, but for some strange reason I care more about her than I should.
“Oh, okay,” I mumble.
“What’s going on, Lance?” Garrett asks me with a raised eyebrow.
Howard interrupts and tells us to get busy. In the back of my mind, there are so many things I want to start telling my best friend but I’m not sure how stupid I would sound once those things started coming out. I’d sound like a pussy for sure. Lance Borel is a pussy whipped man, and he’s not even dating the girl. What a damn joke.
My hands slide into my gloves and the perfect fit reminds me of everything I love about sparring and being on the mat. Garrett raises his eyebrow and I smirk. Time to get back to work.
Thirty minutes later, sweat is pouring from my body and I’m smirking at Garrett as he pulls himself off the mat. He gave me a good run for my money considering I’ve not been here in a while. Fighting is in my blood, though, so it’s as if I haven’t missed a single day.
“Want to spar one more time?” I ask him, reaching for his hand.
“Fuck no, I’m going home.”
“Really?”
“No, I just wanted to fuck with you.” He grabs my hand, and throws me down on the mat. I land with a grunt. “So, tell me what’s going on.”
I glance toward the office where Howard is sitting. I don’t want him to get onto me for not training, so I nod toward the weight bench. “Come spot me and I’ll tell you about it.”
I lift a heavy weight off the rack and set up the bar. Lying back on the cool bench, I stare up at the bar, waiting for Garrett to get his lazy ass over here and spot me. I don’t want to lift it without him here. I know I can do it, but since it’s been a while, I don’t need to risk an injury.
“Tell me what’s going on, and what the hell you have Raegan involved in,” he says, causing me to jump. I was lost in my own thoughts and not paying attention.
I grip the bar and lift it up. I begin my repetitions and slowly let the words fall from my lips. “Raegan came to check on me a few days ago. I had gone to Joe’s alone the night before and didn’t stay long. I left my phone at home. I wanted to forget everything. When I got back, I saw missed calls from you and Raegan, and a few messages from Hilary. Raegan asked why I haven’t come back, and I told her I quit. She called me a liar, but I told her I can’t fight knowing Travis is around because he pushes my fucking buttons.”
I stop to hand the bar to Garrett and he places it back. “That’s when I told her how he treats Hilary like crap. It drives me crazy wondering why she stays around him. I mean, I used to protect her from this kind of shit. She could be doing so much better. I could treat her so much better than him.”
I rattle off everything Hilary had texted me that night, along with the message Travis sent. For the first time since I began speaking, I look up to meet Garrett’s eyes. They are wide and his face is crimson. Hell, I didn’t know this would upset him.
“This sounds like dangerous waters. And you have my pregnant girlfriend intervening? What are you thinking?”
I shrug. “She’s the one who offered to talk to her. I didn’t ask her to. She took her number from my phone.”
“I really wish I didn’t know this. Travis is fucking insane and he’s stirring up more shit. I don’t like that she’s involved. That’s all I’m saying.”
“I get you, man. I understand.”
I don’t see any harm coming from this unless Travis sees the messages on Hilary’s phone. Then I’m sure he’d hunt me down, and I’d gladly kick his ass.
“I don’t get why I care so much,” I admit. “She’s never really given me a chance. I’ll tell Raegan to leave it alone. That sound good to you?”
“She won’t leave it alone, though. Once she’s involved, that’s it. Why don’t you come by for dinner tonight? I’ll order pizza and the three of us can talk this over. We can see just what Raegan and Hilary have been discussing, and go from there. I’m telling you, though, if it’s too sketchy…she’s done with it.” He crosses his arms over his chest for added emphasis.
“Sounds like a plan to me. I’m hungry anyway.”
His invitation possibly brings defeat to the situation, but curiosity is eating me alive on the inside. I’m excited to hear what the two girls have been saying, but I’m terrified things might not go how I want them to. If Garrett decides he doesn’t want Raegan speaking to her anymore, how the hell will I know anything if Hilary won’t tell me herself? Hell, what if Hilary isn’t even confiding in her? Raegan is an easygoing girl, and her personality basically screams,
hey, talk to me and tell me all your problems.
I’m pretty sure they have some sort of girl code where they know this kind of stuff, and hopefully Hilary is eating out of the palm of her hand.
After the little bit of sparring and lifting I’ve done today, my body is aching. The burn only fuels me to want to return to the swing of things. It’s funny how just missing a few days makes an impact on everything. Tomorrow I’ll be back, and this aching will slowly fade. Hopefully this hurt inside will also fade. I’m dying to know everything Raegan and Hilary have talked about. For once, I want to hear something good, something worthwhile. Something to tell me that what I’m fighting for isn’t just some joke.
I thank Howard again on my way out the door, and drive home to shower. My heart is racing, and I’m nervous. The shower seems to last forever even though I’m in and out in a matter of minutes. I throw on a t-shirt and a pair of basketball shorts. With my wallet and keys in hand, I jolt out the front door and drive like crazy to Garrett and Raegan’s apartment.
I walk in as if I own the place. That’s the beauty of going to your best friend’s house. No need to knock. I know Garrett hasn’t been home too long which means he hasn’t had time to seduce Raegan, or whatever it is those two love birds do.
Raegan looks up from her phone, and gives me a nod. As badly as I want to get information from her, I walk over to Garrett. He’s standing in the kitchen pouring Raegan a glass of tea. He grabs two beers from the fridge for us, and leads the way to the couch where Raegan is still focused on her phone. Her fingers move swiftly across the screen, not missing a single beat. She glances up to thank Garrett for the tea, but it sits untouched on the coffee table.
We sit in silence except for the constant tapping on the screen of Raegan’s phone. Garrett clears his throat, causing me to startle, and Raegan looks up smiling politely as she sets her phone on the table. Reaching for her tea, she takes a sip or two. Her phone lights up, and Hilary’s name shines brightly. I want to reach over and grab the phone to find out everything I want to know, but I don’t. Garrett would probably lose his shit. It’s bad enough he may not be pleased with Raegan or me when all the messages are revealed.
“Did you order the pizza, babe?” he asks, breaking the silence.
“I sure did. It should be here any minute now,” she says.
“Good, I’m starving.” I chime in, hoping to make this seem like a normal conversation. I want to jump into everything else, but I have to remember to take baby steps with this. I have no clue what the hell those messages say. Am I ready for it?
“I knew you two would be hungry so I ordered right before you got here. Happy to be back, Lance?”
All attention is on me, and I know I should just smile and say yes. Speaking may not be in my best interest right now.
“You know it. Seems these assholes had a bet going on me.”
“Garrett, you lost the bet?” she asks, wearing a frown.
“You were betting on me, too? Geez, Raegan, I thought you and I were on the same page.”
“We are, but it was just a bet. A bet Garrett lost.”
“Enough, you two,” Garrett says, just as the doorbell rings. “That would be dinner. I’ll be right back.”
As he walks to the door, Raegan reaches for her phone.
“You’ve been talking to her?” I ask impatiently.
“Uh, yeah. We’ve been talking a lot, actually.”
Before I can pry, Garrett returns with two boxes of pizza. My stomach growls, and for a moment, I’m able to forget what Raegan and I were just getting ready to discuss. Garrett opens the first box of pizza, and we all dive in like a pack of wolves. The first bite taste heavenly as the marinara dances across my taste buds. As I finish that piece and reach for another, Garrett begins to speak and I almost wish he hadn’t.
“So…Raegan, Lance tells me the two of you are on some sort of mission of goodwill, or whatever you want to call it.”
Raegan reaches quickly for her glass of tea as she nearly begins choking on her pizza. Even I begin to gag as I try to swallow the bite I just took.
“Mission of goodwill? What are we, superheroes?” she jokes.
“You tell me.” His tone is serious, his eyes locked on the both of us, narrowing in.
“I sure as hell know I’m not a superhero,” I retort, trying to lighten the mood. His gaze shifts to me, and my laughter stops. He’s clearly not joking.
“We’re both a little concerned about Hilary,” Raegan says. “I wanted to talk to her and find out what’s really going on. I needed a friend when I went through this same thing for myself, and I couldn’t open up to anyone. I wanted to be that person for her.”
“It’s not her dad doing it, though. It’s Travis. This is something you two probably have no business meddling in,” Garrett says gravely. “This isn’t the same thing you went through, not by a long shot. What do the messages even say? I want to know what you’re in the middle of.”
She glances at me with sad eyes as she opens the messages and begins to scroll up to the very beginning.
She takes a deep breath as she begins rattling off the beginning of the conversation. Raegan didn’t play around. She immediately expressed her concern for Hilary. When Raegan tells us the truth, the words twist in my gut.
After a friendly exchange, Hilary admitted that Travis threatened to kill her if she tried to get help. Hilary explained he had a terrible temper, and wouldn’t take no for an answer. Sex is something she dreads now, and she feels she has no way to escape him.
My veins throb in my neck, and I can feel my blood begin to boil. Garrett’s face looks the same and I know what he’s about to say. This is more than Raegan needs to be involved in.
“No more,” he snaps. “I know you feel bad for her, Raegan. Call the cops and report it. Let them deal with it.”
“Yeah, I’ll call James right now,” she says sarcastically, referring to her ex-boyfriend. Oh, our little fireball Raegan. She’s not going to let this go without a fight. She’s already become emotionally involved.
“Don’t go there, Raegan. Did you really have to bring him up?”
“What?” she says defensively. “He’s a cop. You said to let the cops handle it.”
“Cut the jokes, I’m serious. And don’t call him.”
“Really? You don’t think I would actually call him, do you? Chill out. I want to help her, Garrett. It’s not right. He’s hurting her. He practically forces her to have sex. You heard the messages. She’s terrified of him.”
“And it’s not our problem. Yes, I feel sorry for her but I’m not letting you get too heavily involved in this. Why would I risk you getting hurt?”
“This is my fault,” I interrupt. “I should have never agreed to let Raegan step in and help me with this. This is my problem. I wish to hell I had never agreed to anything like this. I didn’t want to hear any of that because now I just want to fuck him up bad.”
“She agreed to have lunch with me tomorrow,” Raegan says. “Let me do lunch and then I’ll wash my hands of this.”
“No, dammit. You’re done
now
.” He throws his hands up in frustration. Raegan scowls as she drops her phone on the counter.
“Don’t tell me what to do, Garrett. I want to do this and I’m going to. I told you I’ll be completely done after tomorrow.”
I know she’s pregnant and all, but the two of them look like they may end up going at each other’s throats before this conversation is over. “What if I go to lunch with the two of them, Garrett?” I suggest. “She won’t be alone with her, and I can bring this back under my control.”
“You two are impossible. Does she even want you at lunch, Lance?”
“I can text her to find out,” Raegan says. She looks at me pointedly. “Oh, and I left out a huge chunk of the messages. I left out the ones where she constantly regrets not being with you. I just didn’t want your ego to inflate.”
My heart pounds in my chest hearing those words. I can help save her from Travis, I know I can. She just needs to be able to trust me enough to give me that chance. Raegan starts tapping feverishly on the screen of her phone. Before she can set it down, a message pops up.
Raegan grins infectiously. “Hilary said she’d like to see you.”
I can’t believe she agreed to this, but I hold back my excitement. Everything Raegan has told us this evening makes my heart sink. I know I’m going to want to hold Hilary tight tomorrow, and not let her out of my sight.
“Okay, so you two have this settled. After tomorrow, Raegan is done with this.” He’s talking to us as if we’re little kids.
“Sure, Dad.” I salute, earning a middle finger from Garrett. He should have known how easily the sarcasm would leak from my lips. It’s second nature to me.
“Lance, I will hide both your keys
and
Raegan’s keys and no one will go to lunch. So, don’t fuck with me.”
“That’s not fair, Garrett,” Raegan snaps. I love that she’s put such passion into this for me. I couldn’t have gotten this far without her help.
“What’s not fair is you two hiding things from me.” His words emerge edged with annoyance. “I thought you were better than that, but then I remember who I’m talking about. You are nothing but trouble, and I get to clean up your messes.”
“But you’re so good at it, Mr. Clean,” I tease. Raegan stifles a laugh, and the glare we get tells me we should chill out. I know he’s just worried about us, and the lines indented in his forehead also show just how pissed off he is. “I swear, Garrett, I’m taking control of this tomorrow, and Raegan will have nothing more to do with it.”
“I hope you’re right.”
He walks over to the fridge, grabbing another beer. I’d ask for another, but with the way we’ve agitated him tonight, I’d probably end up with a bottle upside my head.
***
Sleep was scarce last night. All I could do was wonder what the day would bring. The thought to text Hilary crossed my mind about a million times, but I could never work up the courage to do it. I also didn’t want Travis catching wind of the lunch we have planned. I want to get her away from him, not make things worse for her.
I stumble into the kitchen, cursing myself for lack of sleep. My eyes are heavy and my limbs feel sluggish. Dad is sitting at the table drinking a cup of coffee and reading the paper. My heart grows heavy, wishing Mom were sitting there beside him. I miss those days so much. It’s gotten a little easier, but there are times when reality slams full force into me, reminding me of everything we’ve lost.
I open the cabinet and grab another coffee cup Mom always used. I hold tightly to the cup as I pour a cup of coffee. The dark brown liquid is steaming hot, but I can’t wait to drink it. I need it to work its caffeine magic on me.
Dad looks up from the paper and smiles kindly with his eyes. “What are you up to this morning, Lance? Going back to train?”
“I started yesterday. I missed it. I’m glad I went back.” I bring the coffee cup to my lips.
“I knew you wouldn’t be able to stay away for long. I’m just getting ready to head out for work. It’s good to sit here with you for a moment.”
Dad’s right. We see each other, but not as much as we should. Between him working, and me doing whatever I’m doing, our time together is scarce.
“We should take a weekend and go camping or something real soon. We haven’t gotten to do anything like that in a long time.”
“You’re right, son,” he says, closing his eyes for a moment. “Not since your mom got sick. Let me check my work schedule. The first weekend I’m off, we’ll make it happen.”
“Sounds good, Dad. I can’t wait.” I really can’t, especially if things at lunch don’t go well. I may be ready to get the hell out of town, and a weekend without cell service may be good medicine.
He stands, pushing his chair back, then rinses out his coffee cup in the sink. “I’m off to work. I know we didn’t get to talk much, but this made my morning. Have a good day, son. We’ll get that weekend planned.”
“Thanks, Dad. It means a lot to me too. I love you.”
“I love you too, son.” He grabs his wallet and keys, then heads out. There’s an almost tangible sorrow following him out the door.
I’m left alone with nothing but silence and a cup of coffee. I’m not much into praying, but I close my eyes and silently pray for strength to get through this lunch. I’m not ready to have my hopes crushed yet again.
Once I’ve emptied my coffee mug, I’m able to move a little easier. I never asked where we were having lunch today, but I’m sure it’s nowhere fancy. I prefer to dress casual, because I have to go to Lou’s afterward. I grab a pair of basketball shorts and a t-shirt. After tying my shoes, I’m almost ready to go. I just need to give myself yet another pep talk. Who would have thought I’d be nervous to go to lunch? My palms are beginning to sweat. Hell, I’m not sure how I’m supposed to hold the steering wheel like this.
My phone dings and I grab it to see Raegan’s name. I open the message and my jaw hits the floor.
So, I have a confession. Hilary doesn’t know you’re coming.
I hurriedly key in a reply.
But you said last night that she couldn’t wait to see me.