Hopeless For You (16 page)

I held my tongue, though questions piled up in my brain. So much for innocent and light.

For long moments I heard only the gentle patter of rain on the tent fabric. Then Kade finally continued. "When summer was over, I made a decision. I'd try my best to be a dad. I got home in time for the baby to be born but Sarah, my girlfriend, had gone and married someone else. I'd only been away three months and she'd snagged some sugar daddy working a big time office job. I couldn't believe it. I tried to make it work between us, tried to get involved in my kid's life, but the next thing I knew I had a restraining order put on me and I couldn't get within 150 meters. The judge wouldn't even grant me a paternity test." He stared at the far side of the tent. "I was afraid of messing up like my dad. Well, I more than messed up. The kid'll never know his real father now. But maybe it's better that way, you know? Can you imagine me as a father?" He gave a sharp, humorless laugh.

I studied Kade for a moment. He was just as broken as me. Maybe more so. "You'd make a great father. I know it. You're not a bad person, Kade."

He gave a slight shrug. "I don't know, Ash. I'm a selfish asshole. I drink, smoke, bang random women. When I'm in the city, I can't tell you how many times I come close to just losing it. Someone says the wrong thing at the bar, I just snap. If anyone ever talks smack about Sarah or my kid, I just pound them into the ground. It's ridiculous. I'm just not good around people. I guess I really need to find a job where I can do this year round. Work outdoors, I mean. This is where I'm good. In my element. With the trees. The sea. The falcons. It sounds corny but this is my world. I know I'll never do anything important, that I'm never going to be someone people look up to. But you know what? I don't care as long as I'm doing this."

"You're happy out here?" I reached over, touching his hand. At first his fingers clenched tightly but then he gradually relaxed until I could twine my fingers through his. I gave his hand a slight, comforting squeeze. I felt that familiar electricity flow between us.

A rapt look filled his face. "Happiest I've ever been. Like I told you before, out here it doesn't matter who I am or who I was. I'm free to be whatever I want. There's no one to judge me. I'm left alone." He sighed, turning his head to look at me. "Corny, isn't it?"

I smiled and squeezed his hand. "Not at all. You've found yourself. Found what makes you happy. Not many people can say that." I felt a small pang of jealousy.

"Sure."

He didn't sound convinced. "You're making a difference, Kade. Think of Momma Jeanne. She always brightens when she sees you. Think of Orion or the other falcons you've saved."

Kade nodded. "I guess." He squeezed my hand and glanced at my lips for the tiniest fraction of a second. "But what about you? You're the one who's making a difference. Living the dream, kicking ass in premed. I bet your parents are really proud of you." I heard an echo of longing in his voice.

I shook my head slightly. "Yup, they're proud. The goal is to graduate premed, move on to med school, and preferably marry a fellow doctor by the time I'm thirty. Of course, I'm also supposed to pop out one or two grandchildren for them, live in a house with a white picket fence, own two cars and an SUV and hang out at the country club every weekend."

"You're not happy." Kade met my eyes and I let those sea-green depths engulf me. I'd only ever told a few people that I hated the safe future my folks had laid out for me. I often lay awake at night, thinking about what I'd be doing if I had the courage to choose my own path, not the path my folks wanted me to take.

"You could say that." I broke his gaze. "Happiness has always been something other people had. Not me. Devon's death
only made me even more of a fatalist."

"Well, what would you rather do?" His fingers tugged softly on mine, shifting my body closer to his.

I looked into his eyes again. They seemed so tender, as if he wanted to protect and shelter me from the rest of the world. I smiled sadly. "Ever since I was a little girl I wanted to be a veterinarian. Animals are simple. Having to deal with people is complicated."

He laughed out loud. I blushed, thinking he was laughing at me and my dream career at first.

"Damn straight dealing with people is complicated. You're quite the girl, Ash, did you know that? Quite the girl. You and me, we're not so different. Not so different at all." He tilted his head back, closing his eyes, a soft smile playing on his lips. His expression became peaceful and it made his whole face look more youthful, the lines of pain smoothed away. "You know, I've heard UBC in Vancouver has a damn good preveterinary program. You could move up here, chase your dream."

I slipped my hand away from his and tucked my knees against my chin. I felt the old, familiar tug-of-war within myself, the part of me whose life was dictated by parents and duty warring against the part that just wanted to be free. In that moment, I saw another possible future laid before me, which had nothing to do with walking down the same sterile hallways every day and checking in on sick children. A future that didn't involve traveling city streets of steel and pavement but forest paths of pine and dirt. A future in which I lived beneath the open air instead of in some claustrophobic apartment. A future in which I cared for injured, wild animals. A future with Kade at my side.

But the moment passed and I realized with regret that I'd never take Kade up on the offer, no matter how much I wanted to, and I let that future, so ripe with possibility, slip away.

Kade was looking at me. Those sea-green eyes seemed to know what was going on inside me, seemed to understand my struggle, and when his gaze dropped to my lips
, for a moment I actually believed he could do or say something that would change my life forever.

But he only turned his head away.

Breathing hard, I watched Ash un-pitch the tent from where I sat with my back to the tree. Just getting out of the damn tent had me sweating from exertion and pain, but I'd told her I'd be able to walk on the leg and I'd just have to do it now, wouldn't I?

The rain had let up, at least. I was wearing my sweatpants instead of the jeans because the stretchable fabric fit more easily over the splints. It still hurt like a bitch when she'd dragged them on for me, though. I'd pulled on a v-necked T-shirt and tossed one of my sweaters over it. I was as snug as I could get, though I still felt cold.

When Ash finished packing the tent, she shrugged the backpack over her shoulders and crouched next to me. "Ready?"

"As I'll ever be." I slung my arm over her neck. I managed to get my good leg underneath me, despite the fact that my whole body felt like one giant bruise, and Ash helped me stand. I put no pressure at all on my right leg and though Ash carried half my weight, it still felt like I was doing a one-legged squat. I grunted as I pushed out of the bottom position.

Near the top, I accidentally put weight on my bad leg and I felt a debilitating flash of agony. Ash compensated right away, pulling me sideways, and there it was
—I was standing. For someone so small, she was pretty strong. Not only did she hold half my weight but she was carrying the backpack, too.

Both of us were breathing hard. I grinned at her. "It's like we're having sex."

She gave me her trademark eye roll.

Right then, the cloud cover parted, splashing the forest with sunlight. Around us, some of the water drops in the pines caught the light and I was reminded of diamonds. I felt rich, and in that moment I actually believed I could do anything with her at my side.

"Okay," Ash said. "Time for your first step."

She wrapped one arm tightly around my waist. The way her body pressed tightly against my side proved a welcome distraction from the pain. It was hard not to notice how neatly she fit under my arm.

I placed a little weight on my foot and winced. I grabbed at a nearby shrub, hoping to spread my weight around even more, but all I succeeded in doing was breaking branches. I kept telling myself I could do this but as we shuffled forward, the pain and nausea worsened, making my vision swim. If there was such a thing as self-inflicted torture, this was it.

Finally, my good knee buckled. Ash controlled the fall, helping me to the ground. The pain flared in my injured leg and I realized I was holding onto her like a lifeline, my fingers digging into her forearm. I unclenched my hand and took deep breaths, waiting for the agony to subside. I felt so sick, I actually dry-heaved a couple of times.

When the nausea passed, I looked at her. "I can't do it, Ash. I can't. I'm sorry."

There was such concern in her face. Such caring. God, her eyes were so beautiful, just these radiant pools of blue swallowing me up and making me forget my pain.

"It's okay, Kade." Ash lowered the backpack and propped it behind me so I could sit up. Overhead, the clouds swallowed up the sun again.

"Ash, just go.
Get help. Leave the canteen. That's all I need."

She ignored the comment. "I've got another idea but you're probably not going to like it."

I chuckled. "I'm not really in a position to argue with your bad ideas."

On cue, she rolled her eyes.

"Damn, you're cute when you do that," I said.

"Do what?"

"The eye roll thing."

She started to roll them again but stopped herself.

I flashed her a wicked grin, feeling playful now that the pain had subsided. "Better watch out. You might dislocate your eyes if you do that too much."

She stuck out her tongue at me.

I shook my head and smiled. "Haven't seen someone do that since grade school."

Before I could tease her more, she got up and went behind me. I heard her sifting through the backpack and felt the contents move as she took something out.

I was curious about this bad idea of hers. "So what are you doing back there, Ash?"

She didn't answer. I could only turn my upper body so far without engaging my hips and I didn't feel like risking more pain in my leg so I closed my eyes and lay against the pack.

I shifted slightly, trying to get more comfortable when I felt a small lump in my sweatpants pocket. I reached into the pocket and discovered my spare pocketknife. So that was where I'd left it. Well, at least I had something to do while Ash worked on that idea of hers.

I leaned way over, flinching at the stab of pain in my leg, and hacked a thick branch away from a nearby shrub. I sat up again. More pain. God, I was beginning to wish I was dead. Anything would be better than living like this.

I sat there, sweating through the wave of pain, feeling like I was burning up inside. Then it passed.

I stared at the branch. Well, I'd paid for it. Might as well put the damn thing to use. I set to work with the knife. First, I cut the branch down to a hand-sized chunk. Next, I stripped off the bark. Then I began shaping.

It wasn't something I advertised but I'd been doing a bit of whittling ever since I came to the Peregrine Center. I'd carved some of my best works while sitting on the cliffs with the ocean spread before me and the hawks spiraling overhead. No one ever saw the carvings, though, because I tossed them into the ocean when I was done.

I usually only carved in solitude but I guess I wanted to share this part of myself with her
—I could be
me
around Ash.

Engrossed in the work, I didn't notice at first when she crouched next to me.

"What are you making?" she said.

Something in her voice irked me. I thought she sounded amused.
Amused
. So I said, "Nothing."

I stopped what I was doing and looked up. My gaze slid past her.

"Absolutely not." I clicked the pocketknife shut.

"Oh, don't be such a baby," Ash said.

I stared at the little contraption she'd come up with. She'd converted the tent into a makeshift stretcher, using the tent poles and the canvas. Ingenious, but I wasn't convinced it was going to work.

"Ash. You don't need to drag me around
—hell, I don't
want
you to drag me around. Come on, it's humiliating. Just go for help and leave me."

Her eyes narrowed and she gave me a hurt look. It actually stung, that look, and made me feel like I'd done something incredibly wrong. "Kade. I'm not going to leave you. Let's do this."

She grabbed my arms and gently dragged me onto the stretcher. I tried to protest at first but the stab of pain in my leg was too much and I had to bite my lip to keep from moaning. I hugged the wood carving close to my chest, not wanting to lose it.

She secured me to the stretcher with extra rope and strapped the backpack down beside me.

"What am I, just a piece of luggage?" I quipped between breaths.

She ignored the comment and moved to the front of the stretcher, which was above my head. She lifted, grunting from the effort, but finally she had me at a forty-five degree angle to the ground. I gritted my teeth at the jarring pain the movement caused but the ride smoothed out as she trudged forward. The pain definitely wasn't as bad as when I'd tried walking on my own feet.

"Don't hit any potholes," I said.

She laughed. "This is way easier." Despite the casual words, I clearly heard the strain in her voice. Like I said, strong girl.

She trudged onward, pulling me along. Over time, the land sloped down so that eventually the ravine was left behind and we moved level with the river again. I didn't really like it, this feeling of helplessness, of relying on someone else, but what could I do? If I could trust my life in anyone's hands, it was hers.

I wanted to tell her that but I couldn't find the words. Instead I joked, "I feel like a passenger in one of those hand-
pulled rickshaws."

I received only a breathless laugh in reply and I scolded myself for not having the courage to tell her how I really felt. Ah well, it didn't matter. We'd never be together anyway. She still wore the ring of her dead fiancé. Together, we had enough emotional baggage to
reach the moon.

The silence became a bit uncomfortable but I wanted Ash to save her breath for walking so I didn't say anything more. Besides, at this point I wasn't even sure what to talk about, so I contented myself with zoning out. I dozed off during the ride and always it was a jolt of pain that knocked me awake. I wasn't sure how much time passed like that, with me dozing off and awakening, but the landscape never seemed to change. Pines, pines, and more pines, the river flowing endlessly alongside us.

After a good long doze, I woke up and noticed the clouds had darkened. There was some leftover winter ice around the pines here, pushed from the river by the recent flooding.

We seemed to be moving way more slowly than before and Ash wheezed worse than ever.

Lightning flashed overhead.

"Looks like it's going to rain again," I said, feeling groggy.

Ash didn't answer. She kept moving mechanically, panting and dragging me along like she hadn't heard. A rumble of thunder shook the air.

"Ash, stop. We have to set up the tent before it starts raining. Ash!"

She halted and started to lower the stretcher but one of the poles slipped in her grasp. I flopped over to one side and struck the ground.

Pain exploded inside me. I squeezed my eyes shut, my vision filling with yellow dots.

Don't throw up, don't throw up, don't throw up
.

The waves of pain passed and I realized Ash was crouched over me, talking.

"Kade. Kade. Look at me. Kade?"

"Ash," I gasped.

"Sorry about that."

I tried a smile. I knew it must've looked totally fake. "Hardly...
felt it."

She gave me water from the canteen, along with two Ibuprofen. I swallowed them gratefully.

She lay back, wiping the sweat from her face, and just sat there. Lightning flashed overhead and thunder shook the ground.

"How are you feeling?" she said.

"Better than you look, I'm sure." I studied her worriedly. Her cheeks were red and sweat dripped down the sides of her face, pooling in drops on her chin. "Are you okay?"

She nodded stiffly. "I am. Though I might have to start taking some of those Ibuprofens myself."

And she did just that.

"You know," I said after she put down the canteen. "I've never had to rely on anyone else before. Not since I left home."

She nodded slowly. "And how does that make you feel?"

"A little resentful." I decided to step out on a limb. "But there's no one else whose hands I'd rather be in than yours." It felt good to finally put that out there.

Ash blushed but didn't say anything.

"Sorry," I said. "That was a bit forward, wasn't it?"

"A little."

"Am I allowed to blame it on the pills? If so I'll just say it was the Ibuprofen talking."

"Nope." She smiled. "You have to take full responsibility for your own actions and words. Can't go blaming painkillers."

"Yes, ma'am." I said it with a southern twang and her grin deepened.

I heard a faraway howl that made the hairs on the back of my neck stand up.

Ash had gone still as well. Her body was tense, alert. "Timber wolves again?"

I shrugged, not wanting to scare her, though I admit I was feeling uneasy. You would be, too, if you were stuck in the woods with a dislocated knee and wolves howling in the distance.

"I wouldn't worry about it." I tried my best to sound confident. "They don't normally come down out of the mountains. Doubt they'll be any trouble."

Ash gave me a brave smile. "You say it like you don't really believe it."

I met her eyes squarely. "We're safe, Ash."

When the tent was pitched, she dragged me painfully inside and sealed the flap. Just in time, too, because the sky decided to open up and the rain pelted down in heavy waves. We heard it on the canvas, a loud tapping that drowned out all conversation.