Horrid Henry and the Zombie Vampire (3 page)

“Children, I have some
thrilling
news,” burbled Mrs. Oddbod.

Horrid Henry groaned. His idea of thrilling news and Mrs. Oddbod’s idea of thrilling news were not the same. Thrilling news would be Mutant Max replacing Mrs. Oddbod as principal. Thrilling news would be Miss Battle-Axe being whisked off to ancient Rome to be a gladiator. Thrilling news would be Moody Margaret dumped in a swamp and Perfect Peter sent to prison.

Thrilling news wasn’t new coat hooks and who was in the Good as Gold book.

But wait. What was Mrs. Oddbod saying? “Our school has been chosen to be a healthy-eating school. Our new healthy and nutritious school meals will be an example for schools everywhere.”

Horrid Henry sat up. What?
Healthy
eating? Oh no. Henry knew what grown-ups meant by healthy food. Celery. Beets. Eggplant towers. Anything that tasted yucky and looked revolting was bound to be good for him. Anything that tasted yummy was bound to be bad. Henry had plenty of healthy eating at home. Was nowhere safe?

“And guess who’s going to help make our school a beacon of healthy eating?” babbled Mrs. Oddbod. “Only the world-famous chef, Mr. Nudie Foodie.”

Rude Ralph snorted. “Nudie,” he jeered.

Mr. Nudie Foodie? thought Horrid Henry. What kind of stupid name was that? Were there really parents out there whose last name was Foodie, who’d decided that the perfect name for their son was Nudie?

“And here he is, in person,” proclaimed Mrs. Oddbod.

The children clapped as a shaggy-haired man wearing a red-checked apron and a chef’s hat bounced to the front of the auditorium.

“Starting today your school will be
the
place for delicious, nutritious food,” he beamed. “I’m not nude, it’s my food that’s nude! My delicious, yummalicious grub is just plain scrummy.”

Horrid Henry couldn’t believe his ears. Just plain, delicious food? Why, that was
exactly
what Horrid Henry loved. Plain burgers. Plain pizzas with just cheese and nothing else. No sneaky flabby pieces of eggplant or grisly chunks of red pepper ruining the topping. Plain fries slathered in ketchup. Nothing funny. No strange green stuff. Three cheers to more burgers, more fries, and more pizza!

Horrid Henry could see it now. Obviously,
he’d
be asked to create the yummy new school menu of plain, delicious food.

(After all, it was the end of the week, and nice to celebrate.) Oh, and fizzywizz drinks every day and chocolate milk. There! A lovely, healthy, plain, nutritious, and delicious menu that everyone would love. Because, let’s face it, at the moment school lunches
were
horrid. They only served burgers and fries once a week, thought Horrid Henry indignantly. Well, he’d soon sort
that
out.

In fact, maybe
he
should be a famous chef when he got older. Chef Henry, the burger wizard. Happy Henry, hamburger hero. He would open a chain of famous restaurants, called, “Henry’s! Where the eatin’ can’t be beaten!”
Hmmm, well, he’d have time to improve the name while collecting his millions every week from the restaurant tills as happy customers fought their way inside for the chance to chow down on one of Happy Henry’s bun-tastic burgers. Kids everywhere would beg to eat there, safe in the knowledge that no vegetables would ever contaminate their food. Ahhh! Horrid Henry sighed.

Mr. Nudie Foodie was leaping up and down with excitement. “And you’re all going to help me make the delicious food that will be a joy to eat. Remember, just like the words to my hit song:

It’s not rude

To be a dude

Who loves nude food.

Yee haw.”

“Well, Nudie,” said Mrs. Oddbod. “Uhh, I mean, Mr. Foodie…”

“Just call me Mr. Nudie Foodie,” said Mr. Nudie Foodie. “Now, who wants to be a nudie foodie and join me in the kitchen to make lunch today?”

“Me!” shouted Perfect Peter.

“Me!” shouted Clever Clare.

“I want to be a nudie foodie,” said Jolly Josh.

“I want to be a nudie foodie,” said Tidy Ted.

“I want to be a nudie foodie,” yelled Greedy Graham. “I think.”

“A healthy school is a happy school,” said Mr. Nudie Foodie, beaming. “My motto is: only bad food boos, when you choose yummy food. And at lunchtime today, all your parents will be coming to the cafeteria to sample our scrumptious, yummalicious, fabulicious, and irresistible new food! Olé!”

Horrid Henry looked around the school kitchen. He’d never seen so many pots and pans and vats and cauldrons. So this was where the school glop was made. Well, not anymore. Would they be making giant whopper burgers in the huge frying pans? Or vats and vats of fries in the huge pots? Maybe they’d make pizzas in the gigantic ovens!

The Nudie Foodie stood before Henry’s class. “This is so exciting,” he said, bouncing up and down. “Everyone ready to make some delicious food?”

“Yes!” bellowed Henry’s class.

“Right, then, let’s get cooking,” said Mr. Nudie Foodie.

Horrid Henry stood in front of a cutting board with Weepy William, Dizzy Dave, and Fiery Fiona. Fiery Fiona shoved Henry.

“Stop hogging the cutting board,” she hissed.

Horrid Henry shoved her back, knocking the lumpy bag of ingredients onto the floor.

“Stop hogging it yourself,” he hissed back.

“Wah!” wailed Weepy William. “Henry pushed me.”