How to Beat Up Anybody (12 page)

I knew these chicks would be waiting for me because I have powerful psychic nuts. Men, you can learn about this clairvoyant ability if you read my previous book “Psychic Nuts.”

I proved that if you beat up a ninja properly, he will not be able to fly. My home is now safe again. Here’s a couple more things to remember when fighting a ninja.

Ninjas can hold their breath for 8 minutes. Learn how to hold your breath for 30 minutes. Then you can always beat a ninja in a holding-your-breath contest and embarrass him in front of his ninja buddies.

Ninjas have about 6 centers of power. But I have a million. Try to have a lot more power centers than the ninja.

If you want to confuse a ninja, sneak into his house and steal all of his ninja uniforms. Then he’ll have nothing to wear and he’ll never leave his house.

While a ninja is sleeping, reset his alarm clock so that he wakes up at the wrong time and misses his mission. Do this two nights in a row and he’ll get expelled from his ninja squad permanently.

Ninjas are good at 2 things: overtraining and not getting laid. And 3, getting beat up by me and my forcefield.

Ninjas are masters of hiding. Ninjaism is a hidden art. Now that you know how to beat up a ninja, you can make him stay hidden forever.

You now know how to stop a ninja home invasion.

KEEPING YOUR HOME SAFE FROM INVADERS

This stairway leads to my front door, and it is perfectly designed to thwart a home invasion.

Because there is so much junk in the stairway, if criminals were to break in the front door, they would have a hard time getting up the stairs.

This unorganized mess is actually a well-organized design. I keep one side of the stairway packed with crap and a small pathway clear on the other side. This way, if criminals break in, they would have to run up the stairs single file. At the top of the steps, I have given myself extra room to stand so that I can easily pick off the single-file attackers one by one. The extra space at the top gives me the height advantage as well as superior balance.

I decorated the walls with works of art so that the criminals have something nice to look up at as they lay motionless on the steps after I’ve ripped their throats out.

Follow this advice, and your home will be a much safer place.

CHAPTER ELEVEN:

HOW TO BEAT UP SOMEONE WITH A GUN AND A SWORD.

STEP 1: REMAIN CALM. LET THE ARMED ATTACKER COME TO YOU.

As The World Champion I don’t need a weapon to defeat an armed assailant. After reading this chapter, you will be able to
defeat an armed assailant every time
.

There are countless ways I can defeat this armed attacker. I could strangle him with the metal tubing or use the filing cabinet behind me as a shield. But I will show you how to defeat the double-weaponed opponent with no improvised weapons.

A QUICK KICK TO THE STOMACH CAUSES HIM TO LOSE BREATH AND DROP HIS WEAPONS.

Keep your
kicking leg locked and completely straight
so it acts as an extension of your back. Remember,
the back is the most powerful muscle in your body
.

QUICKLY KICK THE WEAPONS AWAY. ALWAYS KICK THE GUN AWAY FIRST, THEN THE SWORD.

Be sure to bend 3 fingers in on both of your hands for proper technique when you kick the gun away.

BREAK HIS FINGERS.

BREAK HIS FINGERS AGAIN.

Fingers have lots of knuckles.
Sometimes they need to be broken more than once to be fully unfunctional
. If just one finger is broken, it can latch on to a good finger and still be effective. That’s why
all his fingers must be decimated
. Now he’ll never be able to use that gun.

DISLOCATING THE ELBOW IS EASY ONCE YOU’VE BROKEN THE ATTACKER’S FINGERS.

I look the attacker right in the eye to let him know that I am dominating the fight.

DISLOCATE HIS KNEECAPS.

This makes a louder popping sound than the finger breaking and elbow dislocation did.

It’s time to do one of the most effective moves in the world, the Tokohoojudah.

I invented this move in 1987 when I killed a mermaid’s boyfriend in a swamp fight. “Tokohoojudah” means “mermaid boyfriend killer” in Tahitian.

Criss-cross and pull his arms around his back so that they pop out of the shoulder sockets and form an “X” on his back.

His left arm is now where his right should be and his right arm is normally where his left arm would be. Continue to pull hard and
bring his mismatched hands together
.

TIE HIS FINGERS INTO A KNOT.

TAKE HIS WEAPONS AND USE THEM TO END THE FIGHT.