How to Beat Up Anybody (15 page)

LANDING DIRECTLY ON BIGFOOT’S NECK SOFTENS YOUR LANDING SO WON’T HURT YOUR KNEE.

There’s no recovery from this fake-hook-shot-self-alley-oop-dunk-hang-and-then-fly-off-the-rim-aerial-knee-strike. I’ve now won the basketball game. And I’ve won the fight. It’s time to take Bigfoot back to the woods where he belongs.

BUT FIRST I UNLOAD ONE LAST KARATE KICK.

I KICK HIM SO HARD THE ENTIRE PLANET SHAKES.

BY THE TIME I LAND, IT’S NIGHT.

I’M CAREFUL TO LAND SOFTLY SO THAT I DON’T CREATE A 50-FOOT-DEEP CRATER.

DRAG THE BIGFOOT DEEP INTO THE WOODS. THE BIGFOOT BLENDS WITH NATURE NOW THAT HE’S BACK IN HIS NATURAL HABITAT.

FIND A SPOT WHERE YOU CAN LEAVE HIM AND OTHER BIGFOOTS WILL FIND HIM.

BEFORE YOU LEAVE, PUT A SNEAKER ON THE BIGFOOT. THIS IS THE MOST DEGRADING THING A HUMAN CAN DO TO A BIGFOOT.

BY PUTTING A HUMAN SNEAKER ON THE BIGFOOT’S FOOT, YOU HAVE SEALED HIS FATE.

WHEN THE OTHER BIGFOOTS FIND HIM, THEY WILL GIVE HIM A MORE BRUTAL BEATING AND TORTUROUS KILLING THAN ANY HUMAN COULD EVER IMAGINE.

LEAVE THE SCENE QUICKLY AND QUIETLY WITHOUT LEAVING A TRACE.

OTHER BIGFOOTS WILL BE COMING SOON AND THE LAST THING YOU WANT IS TO START AN ALL-OUT BIGFOOT WAR.

You now know exactly what to do if you ever get attacked by a Bigfoot in your backyard. Here’s some more key things to remember when fighting a Bigfoot:

Never use a gun when fighting a Bigfoot. Bigfoots have telekinetic powers that can remove a gun from your hand without touching it. The Bigfoot can then shoot you dead and make it look like a hunting accident. There are very few things more dangerous than a Bigfoot with a gun.

Even when a Bigfoot has his back to you, he can hit you in the face.

Bigfoots’ shoulders are structured differently than humans’. They have full 360 degree shoulder rotation. And with their incredible sense of smell, they don’t need to see you, to hit you. A Bigfoot can knock you out with a no-look-behind-the-back-punch. Because they have incredibly strong shoulders, they have weak trapezius muscles.

Bigfoots are at the top of the food chain, so they don’t have much of a defense. Always SIZE up before encountering a Bigfoot because their defense against a taller creature is awkward at best.

When playing Bigfoot one on one in basketball, don’t let his short legs fool you. Bigfoots can jump 50 feet in the air. You should weaken Bigfoot’s legs before the game to eliminate his jumping power.

Bigfoots have amazingly rapid recovery time from injuries. A broken Bigfoot bone can heal in six hours. That’s why you’ve never seen a Bigfoot in the hospital.

Bigfoots hate it when you beat them up with your feet.

All the techniques I’ve shown you here are ones that Bigfoots are never prepared for, so you should practice them a lot.

You now know exactly what to do if you ever get attacked by a Bigfoot in your backyard.

If the techniques I’ve shown you in this Bigfoot battle are too complex and you’re looking for a simpler way to beat up a Bigfoot, take a look at this diagram I drew:

There you have it. Two different yet completely
reliable procedures
for how to beat up a Bigfoot.

CHAPTER THIRTEEN:

STEP 1. SIZE UP YOUR OPPONENT.

STEP 2. DETONATE THE KARATE FART.

The Karate Fart explodes out of my anus and instantly blinds the opponent and incinerates all the hair off his face and head. With the Karate Fart, your inner power becomes an outer force.

Notice how I get my whole body behind the fart. I lay on the ground so that I get the entire planet supporting me and giving me extra power. When me and my farts team up with the earth, we cannot be stopped. Utilizing your body’s own natural power and combining it with the natural power of the earth is the secret beauty of the Karate Fart. Eating the Homemade World Champion Pizza Sandwich will give you the vitamins and minerals necessary to unleash this devastating weapon. IMPORTANT: Always aim the Karate Fart upwards directly at your opponent so that you don’t destroy any plant life around you.

The great thing about the Karate Fart is that it is completely undetectable. You can be carrying it around inside you, and no one will notice . . . until it’s too late. Do not attempt the Karate Fart in a real fight without practicing it on a friend first for 6 years straight. If you have not mastered the Karate Fart, and you attempt to launch one in windy conditions, it could blow back into your face and kill you.

There are many different kinds of fart attacks. There are some fart attacks that you don’t want to move—you want the fart to sit in the air in one spot so that your opponent walks into it unexpectedly. But the Karate Fart is different. The Karate Fart must surpass hurricane wind power. Even if your opponent has severely clogged sinuses, the Karate Fart will unclog them, travel to his brain and kill him.

THE KARATE FART—WRONG FORM

DO NOT PERFORM THE KARATE FART STANDING UP
. YOUR FART WILL BE AIMED IN THE WRONG DIRECTION AND YOU’LL MISS YOUR TARGET. PLUS YOUR FART POWER WILL BE TOO WEAK TO CAUSE ANY DAMAGE.

Done correctly, the Karate Fart is powerful. It can dull a ninja star. It can put a ninja into a fart coma. So use it carefully and don’t tell anyone whom you don’t trust how to do it. In the wrong hands, it could be dangerous to the whole world.