How to Beat Up Anybody (23 page)

If both your arms are occupied, that means your feet are available to fight.

The signs on the door say “do not hold door” and “do not lean on door.” But they say nothing about smashing someone’s face against the door with your foot. If you look closely, you can see your reflection in the metal door, which gives you a nice opportunity to check your form as you beat someone up.

This is the Princess of Korea’s favorite move.

No other book dares to teach you this.

IF SOMEONE TRIES TO KICK ME, HE WILL MISS.

AND I WILL KICK HIM.

BECAUSE HE’S UPSIDE DOWN, THIS REGULAR KICK FEELS LIKE A MORE PAINFUL INVERTED KICK.

I hover in the air by flapping my feet back and forth at twice the speed of a hummingbird’s wings if they were going five times as fast as they possibly could. I’m
transmitting psychokinetic power from my fists
to his testicles, making them rotate within their sack at high speed. Basically,
I’ve turned his nutsack into a blender
. I’m just providing the power supply. I invented this move and it is still illegal in France and Japan. Warning: Careful attempting this on a moving train. You could lose your balance and accidentally do this to your own testicles. And note that foot-hovering is not the same thing as levitation.

THIS MOVE BURNS 100,000 CALORIES.

EXECUTE THE EXECUTION EFFICIENTLY.

THIS IS MY STOP. THEY DON’T EVEN SEE ME LEAVE THE TRAIN.

This gang will not mess with me or anyone else ever again. I can become their leader if I want. But I prefer to ride the subway alone.

I’ve given you all the physical and tactical ingredients needed to defeat a subway gang. Subway survival is now achievable. You never have to be afraid to use public transportation again. All of these moves translate to the bus as well. Here’s a few more things you should know:

80% of subway gang attacks occur on Tuesday nights. Gang members are easier to beat up if they’re on the ground. So before you fight a gang, ask them to lay on the ground first.

When choking someone on the subway, choke hard. The train ride is bumpy and you don’t want to lose your grip. Subway trains are extremely loud. Don’t let this disrupt your concentration. I trained for fighting in loud conditions by living inside an active garbage truck for 6 years. Always get in the last car of the train. It’s the most dangerous. So you’ll have more opportunities to practice karate.

This strip club is 30 miles from my 15-bedroom, 60-bathroom apartment. I could run there in 10 minutes. Or I could take my spaceship and get there in 5 seconds. But today I feel like driving my car.

I STEER THE CAR WITHOUT TOUCHING THE WHEEL. I USE MY TELEKINETIC POWERS TO NAVIGATE A SHARP TURN. THIS IS A GOOD WAY TO PRACTICE MIND CONTROL. THIS IS MIND OVER MACHINE.

I ALWAYS WEAR MY SEATBELT. NOT FOR MY SAFETY. FOR THE CAR’S. I’M NOT STRAPPING MYSELF TO THE CAR; THE CAR IS STRAPPING ITSELF TO ME.

THE BIRD SHIT ON MY CAR WINDOW GUARANTEES THAT NO ONE WILL MESS WITH MY CAR.

IF A BIRD SHITS ON MY CAR, IT’S GOOD LUCK. EVEN IF I INTENTIONALLY SCARED THE BIRD INTO SHITTING ON MY CAR.

I GO OVER THE AFTERNOON’S LESSON ON PAPER WITH THE GIRLS BEFORE WE PRACTICE. I’VE TAILORED THESE DRILLS SPECIFICALLY FOR THEM.

KARATE ISN’T ALL ABOUT FORM AND TECHNIQUE. THESE LADIES NEED TO LEARN THE REASONS WHY CERTAIN MOVES ARE BETTER THAN OTHERS. AND THEY NEED TO BE TAUGHT WHAT IT TAKES PSYCHOLOGICALLY TO BECOME A KARATE MASTER.

FOR THE FIRST EXERCISE, THE GIRLS KEEP THEIR TOPS ON.

Dancers face different dangers with their tops on than they do topless. The move I’m teaching here is the most effective way for a dancer to deal with a customer who has no patience for her to disrobe, and he erupts into violence while waiting for nudity to occur.

THIS MOVE ONLY WORKS IF THE LADIES ARE TOPLESS.

If you’re a dancer reading this section,
do not try to replicate this move with your top on
. You could get hurt. This move is designed to punch out an oncoming attacker as you’re kneeing a 2nd guy in the stomach while choking a 3rd guy whose neck is stuck between the triangular gap that your legs have made. It’s one of the most difficult martial arts moves for a topless dancer to master, yet easy for anyone else.

THIS MOVE WORKS WHETHER THE DANCER IS TOPLESS OR NOT.

WE PRACTICE ELBOWING A CUSTOMER ATTACKING FROM BEHIND WHILE WE KICK A SECOND ATTACKER APPROACHING FROM THE FRONT.

I MAKE SURE EACH GIRL GETS THE PERSONAL ATTENTION AND COACHING THAT SHE NEEDS, NO MATTER HOW LONG IT TAKES.

CINDY IS WEARING HIGHER HEELS THAN SHE NORMALLY DOES, SO I SHOW HER HOW TO PROPERLY ADJUST THE ANGLE OF HER KICK. IT’S LITTLE DETAILS LIKE THIS THAT MAKE A BIG DIFFERENCE IN A FIGHT.

I FACE THE CLASS TO MAKE SURE THE GIRLS ARE USING PROPER TECHNIQUE.

“EXCELLENT FORM, HEATHER,” I SAY.

SOMETIMES IT’S NECESSARY TO SINGLE OUT A STUDENT TO MAKE SURE SHE COMPLETELY UNDERSTANDS THE LESSON AND GETS IT RIGHT.

EVERYONE IS SUPPORTIVE AS LISA WORKS ON HER DOUBLE-KNUCKLE CHEST PUNCH. EVEN THOUGH THESE GIRLS SOMETIMES WORK INDIVIDUALLY, THEY MUST LEARN TO FIGHT AS A TEAM. THEY’VE ALL MASTERED THE POLE; NOW THEY MUST LEARN TO MASTER POTENTIAL ATTACKERS AS A GROUP.