How to Beat Up Anybody (25 page)

CHAPTER TWENTY-ONE:

Another benefit of the cooldown phase, besides all the hot sex with beautiful women, is that it gives you time to reflect.
Reflection is beneficial because it allows you to learn from your previous endeavors
. Sometimes you need to look backward to move ahead. I thought about some of the fighting I’ve done recently. Especially about beating up the guy with 3 arms.

I decided to make a phone call to my new one-armed friend Joe. I told him that a few days ago I beat up a guy with 3 arms. Joe joked that I should have ripped the guy’s third arm off and given it to Joe as a present. I said, “We should do that.” Joe joined me and we went looking for the guy with 3 arms.

We went back to the exact spot where I beat up the 3-armed guy a few days earlier. Fortunately, he was still lying on the ground where I left him, and was just starting to regain consciousness. When he came to, he apologized for attacking me. I forgave him. He told me his name was “Teddy” but to call him “Fred.” Fred and Joe bonded instantly because of their unique arm situation. Joe has no recollection of why years ago he woke up with a missing arm and Fred doesn’t know why his body mysteriously grew a third arm one day. They’re both unique individuals who unfortunately have been teased by other people just because they’re different. I apologized to Fred for the overwhelming beating I gave him. And me and Joe forgot about previously wanting to detach Fred’s 3rd arm so Joe could have it.
I told Fred that he was cool and I’d give him free karate lessons if he pays for them up front
. He agreed. We all hung out that afternoon and had a great time practicing fighting as a 3-man team. We’re a good crew. Joe has 1 fist, I have 2 not counting my back-up fist, and Fred has 3. We’re a team that’s tough to strategize against. And we’re all good buddies now. Joe and Fred are doubles partners in racquetball, and the 3 of us made a pact to team up every 6 months and pulverize criminals late at night. It’s beautiful that
beating the shit out of people can create lasting friendships
.

We may never know why Joe is missing an arm, or why Fred has 3 arms, or why no matter how hard people try,
no one will ever be as great a martial artist, an athlete, or as sexually desired and powerful as me
. But we do know . . . that we’re friends. And none of this would’ve happened if I didn’t cool down properly and make time for reflection.