Read How to Beat Up Anybody Online
Authors: Judah Friedlander
How to Beat Up Anybody (22 page)
THE SUBWAY IS THE FASTEST WAY TO TRAVEL IN THE BIG CITY. . .
. . . AND THE MOST DANGEROUS.
You’re deep below the earth’s surface with no one to help you. You can’t call a friend. There’s no cell phone reception. There are no cops around. The subway conductor—like all subway conductors—knows karate, but he’s unaware of what is going on. Plus, he’s not allowed to help because it’s against union rules for a subway conductor to disrupt a fight.
I LET THE GANG SURROUND ME. THEY’RE EASIER TO BEAT UP IF THEY’RE IN A SEMICIRCLE.
I recognize that they’re wearing the same uniform as the gang member who I wasted on the street (see chapter 8). This gang wants revenge because I beat up their “brother.”
MY FOOT IS MOVING FASTER THAN ANY FOOT HAS EVER MOVED. AND THAT INCLUDES ANY LAND, SEA, AIR, OR SPACE CREATURE THAT HAS A FOOT.
My right knee has 2 kneecaps. That’s why I can do double the damage.
This gang does everything together, including executing shitty defense at the same time.
I could end this fight right now but I want to send these punks a message.
The necks of these 2 thugs help my balance as I kick the 3rd thug in the stomach.
I’m not choking these 2 thugs. I’m rearranging the vertebrae in their necks.
MY HEAD SPEED IS FASTER THAN THEIR FIST SPEED.
I KNOCK OUT 2 GUYS WITHOUT THROWING ONE PUNCH.
Making your opponent miss is a great confidence crusher. But if your timing is off, you’ll get your brains knocked out.
You do not need to see the fists to dodge the fists
.
Use your ears to hear the fists coming towards you
. Use your skin sensors to feel the air created by the moving fists. Calculate the speed of the incoming fists based on the amount of wind they generate. Use your sense of smell to determine which knuckle is on course to hit you first. Remember,
every knuckle smells different
. And as always, use your instinct. Even if I had no face and no skin, I would still be able to track the incoming fists. Because I have above-top-notch instinct.
IT LOOKS LIKE BACKUP HELP FOR THE GANG HAS ARRIVED. THIS MUST BE THE LEADER OF THE GANG.
The
gang leader
is the
most skilled fighter in the gang
and only shows up in emergencies. I just beat up 4 of his followers, including the female gang member who undoubtedly is his woman.
To take out the leader, I must change tactics and get more aggressive
.
I ATTACK HIS FACE AND NECK.
I’M CAREFUL NOT TO HIT HIM TOO HARD. I DON’T WANT TO KNOCK THE TRAIN OFF ITS TRACKS.
SPECIAL REVERSE ANGLE.
THE SLOPED RAILING IS A WONDERFUL TOOL FOR HELPING ME CRUSH HIS NECK. THIS CREATES A HEADACHE THAT LASTS FOR ABOUT 6 YEARS.
LAYING HIM ON THE BENCH MAKES IT EASY FOR ME TO BREAK HIS ARM.
SUBWAY DOORS ARE HEAVY AND WELL DESIGNED FOR EXECUTING THIS MOVE.
DON’T LEAVE HIM IN THIS POSITION TOO LONG. THE FRESH SUBWAY-AIR MIGHT REJUVENATE HIM.
THE HORIZONTAL BAR LETS ME DAMAGE A DIFFERENT PART OF HIS NECK.
I CHOKE WITH ONE ARM SO THAT MY OTHER IS AVAILABLE TO FIGHT OTHER GANG MEMBERS IF THEY RECOVER.
MY TECHNIQUE IS SO IMPRESSIVE: IN THE MIDDLE OF THE FIGHT, ONE OF THE GANG MEMBERS TAKES A PHOTO OF ME BEATING UP HIS LEADER.
I don’t have a name for this move. I improvised it right on the spot.
I pretend to look right but I’m really looking left.
I’m still working the neck of the leader.
