How to Beat Up Anybody (24 page)

I TEACH THE GIRLS HOW TO STOP AN ATTACK FROM THE OTHER SIDE OF THE STAGE.

THEY MUST HAVE THE AWARENESS AND SKILLS TO DEFEND ALL BORDERS OF THE STAGE.

The girls check their form in the mirror. Mirrors can be a helpful tool for working on proper form, but
I don’t recommend it
. In most fight situations, you will not have the benefit of a mirror to help you. But there are mirrors at this club, so the girls must get used to working with them and learn to use them to their advantage.

I TELL A FART JOKE TO LIGHTEN THE MOOD.

THESE DRILLS ARE RIGOROUS AND CAN BE STRESSFUL, SO IT’S GOOD TO ADD SOME HUMOR WHEN TEACHING.

After the fart joke, I tell a
personal anecdote
. I tell them about a time when I was working security at a strip club and a gang of 20 bikers came in, and I beat them all up with one karate kick. But because of all the mirrors in the club, it looked like I beat up 200 bikers. Then I made them all blow each other and it looked like a 200-biker blowjob bonanza. My students get a nice laugh out of that story too. If you’re teaching or doing charity work, telling a joke or funny anecdote can help the students bond with each other.
Learning how to defend yourself in horrifying, life-threatening situations can be a lot of fun
.

AFTER THE LESSON, I THINK ABOUT THE GRAVITAS OF TEACHING SELF-DEFENSE TO STRIPPERS.

I think about the hard work these women did, and how they came in 3 hours before their shifts started, just to study with me. Unlike the majority of people who do charity work, I don’t do it because it makes me feel good or because it makes me look important, “hip,” and “cool” to the general public. I do it because it’s the right thing to do. I’m making a difference.
Twice a day
. This is a job I would do for free. And I do.

You must always remember what’s important in life.
There’s more to life than just beating people up
. There’s also teaching people how to beat people up. I’m just trying to make the world a better place one karate kick at a time.

WHAT IS THE FIRST THING YOU NOTICE ABOUT THIS PHOTO?

YOU HAVE 1 SECOND TO ANSWER. WRITE YOUR ANSWER BELOW:

TURN TO THE NEXT PAGE FOR THE CORRECT ANSWER.

WITHIN THIS PHOTO, THE CORRECT ANSWER IS MORE EVIDENT.

If you wrote down for your answer “Judah Friedlander wearing his Campeon Del Mundo hat, waiting to attack me, while camouflaged in a messy room,” you are correct. If you answered anything else, you are wrong. If this was not a book but a real situation, I could’ve killed you. I gave you 1 second to answer this question. Because
that’s how fast an attack can happen
.

IF YOU DIDN’T SPOT ME AND LAUNCH YOUR ATTACK WITHIN 0.5 SECONDS, I WOULD HAVE DEMOLISHED YOU, AND YOU WOULDN’T EVEN KNOW WHAT HAPPENED.

Look at Photo 1 again. You didn’t see me because I blended into
the background and the foreground
perfectly. Other instructors teach how to blend into the background, but I am the only person who teaches how to do both.

The purpose of this quiz is to teach you the importance of
analyzing a situation quickly
. Without quick analysis, all the technique I’ve taught you is worthless.

You’ve learned so much karate knowledge, you might be feeling overwhelmed and stressed out. Never get stressed. I’ve never been stressed. To be a master of the martial arts you must always be relaxed.

If you don’t have a spaceship, then use a pool in another location. I set the water temperature to freezing. This is the cooldown phase, which means the water should be cool, not warm. The ladies and I heat up the pool with our sexual energy. When the water starts to boil, that’s when I know the cooldown phase is over. I don’t expect you to be able to do all of this, but try to start with the water cool and heat it up with a love partner.

I just had a 3-way with the girls who are passed out poolside. They’re dreaming that one day they’ll stir up enough energy to have sex with me again. After I make love to the rest of the girls, I’ll lay their unconscious overheated bodies poolside so they don’t drown. It’s normal for girls to pass out after they have sex with me. They usually go into an immediate intense state of extreme ecstasy and then deep depression when they realize they’ll never meet a man as sexually satisfying as me. In this photo, you can’t see it, but I’m having a sexual experience with the one girl whose head is underwater. I wrote on the photo what she is doing.

I ASSIGN 2 GIRLS TO FOOT PATROL TO GUARANTEE THAT NO SOAP GETS ON MY RIGHT FOOT.

IT IS MY MAIN FIGHTING FOOT AND I DON’T WANT SOAP REMOVING ANY OF ITS ESSENCE.

Nicole and Nikki are my official Foot Patrol Team. Their job is to make sure soap never touches my foot. Being a Foot Patrol woman for The World Champion is an honorable position and is the highest paying job in the world of karate. I travel with these girls everywhere I go. Nicole makes 8 million dollars a week and her assistant Nikki makes 2 million a week just for guarding my foot during the cooldown phase. It’s that important of a process. If you can’t afford to hire 2 foot patrol girls, settle for just 1. And if you can’t afford 1, then you must take extreme caution not to get any soap on your main fighting foot. The cooldown phase is about relaxing. When I have two gorgeous women guarding my foot from soap, it helps me relax.

Here’s a photo from earlier when we all first got in the pool.

WOMEN WORSHIP MY WORLD CHAMPION BODY.

AND CRAVE MY KARATE FOOT.

When you have a body as orgasmically desirable as I do, and a foot that’s killed a low estimate of 30,000 people, women sometimes don’t know which to go for first. Only Nicole, the head of Foot Patrol, guards my foot, while her assistant Nikki gets a little more intimate with me. Pay close attention to how relaxed my face is. It’s important to
cool down your face muscles
and not just your body muscles.

When the cooldown phase is over, I will hook up with more chicks so that I can warm up for bed time, where I will hook up with even more chicks. You should try and do the same thing.

A proper cooldown rejuvenates your body and gets you settled into a
peaceful state of mind so that you’re ready to beat up more people
.