Read How to Rise Above Abuse (Counseling Through the Bible Series) Online
Authors: June Hunt
Victory over Verbal and Emotional Abuse
Victory over the Victim Mentality
HOPE FOR THE ABUSER:
How to Break Free of Being Abusive
EPILOGUE:
Uplifting One Another
APPENDIX:
How Can I Be Fully and Finally Free?
Other Harvest House Books by June Hunt
H
ave you ever been shocked by what shocks another person? I have, and I’ll never forget the feeling of disbelief. It was the early 1990s. I had just interviewed a victim of domestic violence to gather firsthand information for my teaching on the topic of wife abuse.
That afternoon I was sitting with June (oddly enough, my coworker’s name!), both of us listening intently to the interview of this precious woman sharing about her tragic marriage filled with verbal, emotional, and physical abuse. After the interview, June and I began to discuss how we would use her story to help others. Then June—almost in disbelief—“dropped the bomb.”
“I can’t understand why any woman would stay in an abusive marriage! If my husband had ever hit me, I guarantee he’d never do it again!”
My eyes widened as I looked at June to see if she was serious. She was. Quickly it became clear to me: She was stunned that anyone would tolerate abuse. Then it immediately became clear to June that I too was shocked…
by her shock
!
The fact June was so perplexed helped me realize that she had not come from an abusive background. She didn’t understand what it was like to feel utterly powerless in the presence of cruelty, completely helpless to escape evil, with no boundary for her protection and no strategy to force a change.
In contrast, I understood powerlessness all too well. Growing up in a home where my father’s abusive treatment was the “norm,” I learned that questioning authority resulted in my banishment, that stuffing my feelings helped numb the pain, and that “walking on eggshells” helped preserve the peace. Basically, I became a peace-at-any-price person.
Many people think that peace at any price is the Christian way to live.
“After all,” they could reason, “Jesus is called the Prince of Peace. He said, ‘My peace I give you’
1
and ‘Blessed are the peacemakers.’
2
Even the apostle Paul said, ‘If it is possible, as far as it depends on you, live at peace with everyone.’ ”
3
In light of all these biblical passages, wasn’t Jesus a peace-at-any-price person? By no means! Instead, He countered this common misconception by declaring, “I did not come to bring peace, but a sword.”
4
Jesus confronted what was wrong. He cut straight to the heart with
truth
—because truth sets us free!
5
At times the sword of truth is necessary to confront what is wrong to establish what is right. The Bible says, “Give up your violence and oppression and do what is just and right” (Ezekiel 45:9).
Abused people need to know the truth. And this is absolutely true: God
never
calls anyone to endure abuse for the sake of peace at any price. For the millions of people presently suffering abuse, this truth can evoke powerful change and literally set them free. In fact, the truths spoken by the Lord are so powerful that the Bible describes them as “living and active, sharper than any double-edged sword” (Hebrews 4:12).
So what about the issue of
peace
? Let me speak to you as if you are personally in an abusive predicament and you want peace.
•
First, God wants you to know that He
sees
what’s happening to you—the abuse you’re experiencing—and He
cares
. He longs for you to turn to Him for help, and He plans to give you His peace.
•
Second, realize His peace surpasses all understanding. His peace protects you when dark rain clouds pour. How does this happen? When we receive Jesus Christ as our personal Lord and Savior, by giving Him control of our lives, He gives us inner peace. Because He is the Prince of Peace,
He will be peace for you
.
•
Third, God’s will is
not
for you to become a peace-at-all-costs person. Having the peace of Christ inside you is entirely different from being a peace-at-any-price person.
For a long time, I didn’t know that fact. When people became angry with me, I tried to do whatever was necessary to keep them from
staying
angry.
The “whatever” included shutting down emotionally, not saying a word, lying about the situation, and caving in to pressure even when I knew that was wrong. And sadly, when the “whatever” occurred, I thought,
Well, at least I’m being loyal.
Today I would call that a
misplaced loyalty
because I wasn’t, first and foremost, being loyal to the Lord.
I grew up in a dysfunctional family, but at the time, I didn’t know that term. But this I did know: I was told to make certain statements—and answer certain questions—with words that weren’t true. (By the way, teaching a child to lie classifies as
verbal abuse
.)
In reality, my mother, brother, two sisters, and myself were a family “on the side.” My father had two families (actually three) going at the same time. It was bizarre. At that time, I didn’t have a friend. How could I trust anyone with my awkward, embarrassing life? Be assured, I kept
all
the secrets—
I did not tell a soul
.
Eventually my father married my mother, but still…many years passed by before I
ever
spoke of it.
In my home growing up, dad (who was double my mom’s age) was the dictator, the
only
decision maker. In his mind, his decisions were the only ones that mattered. He had complete control.
I hated my dad’s anger. Because I grew up in an angry home, I was scared of angry people. As a result, “people-pleasing” became my survival strategy. I was so fearful of anyone’s anger that I became the classic people pleaser. If someone said, “Jump!” I would say, “How high?”
After I entrusted my life to Christ, I slowly gained a stability I had never possessed before. Over the years, the Lord began healing me from my painful past. With wisdom from God’s Word and the help of caring Christians, I began to see myself, my problems, and even the difficult people in my life more and more through God’s eyes.
Later there came an amazing “exchange”: Gradually, God began replacing my brokenness with a resolve to reach out to others. I saw wounded souls around me with their broken wings, struggling to make it through life in the same way I had struggled. Then I realized I could give others the comforting compassion that God had given me. The Bible says it well: “The Father of compassion…comforts us in all our troubles, so that we can comfort those in any trouble with the comfort we ourselves have received from God.”
6
My overriding desire to give
biblical hope and practical help
to others led me to found Hope for the Heart in 1986—now a worldwide biblical counseling ministry. Since then, I’ve had the undeserved privilege of presenting
God’s truth for today’s problems
before many different kinds of audiences.
Through my own journey of unspoken personal pain, I’ve made this fascinating observation: As I’ve taught on various topics of abuse—verbal and emotional abuse, victimization, child abuse, wife abuse, rape, and spiritual abuse—I’ve come to understand that, like straw in a bird’s nest,
issues involving abuse are delicately intertwined
.
Understandably, sexually abused children are also victims of
emotional abuse
. Without effective intervention, they grow up with a
victim mentality
. Because adults with a victim mentality
feel
powerless even when they are not, they become more vulnerable to other kinds of abuse, such as physical, sexual, and spiritual abuse.
If you grew up in a home where verbal and emotional abuse were the norm, in the absence of inner healing, you’ve probably experienced other kinds of victimization as well as difficulty maintaining boundaries. You may have tried to get your legitimate needs for love, significance, and security met through illegitimate sources, such as living for the approval of people. This sets you up to repeatedly entrust your heart to those who do not seek your highest good, making it easier for victimizers to victimize you.
Likewise, if your boundaries were once trampled, typically you’re an easier target today for a manipulator or a spiritual abuser who uses methods of mind control. In my years of counseling, I’ve observed that such intertwining is all too common. Sadly, wounded birds are prime targets for predators… unless someone comes to help and heal their broken wings.
And that is God’s specialty. The Bible says while most people look “at the outward appearance, God looks at the heart.”
7
He sees each damaged wing, each wounded heart, each despondent spirit that He designed to soar. And because He is the Great Physician, He knows how to be your Healer.
If in your past you’ve felt broken, please don’t settle for staying broken! Just as a splint will hold a wounded wing steady, allow God’s wisdom to hold you steady. And please be patient—healing takes time, tenderness, and truth. If you have suffered any form of abuse, I encourage you to take all the time that is necessary to learn
how to rise above abuse
.
So, what do you need to know? God has much to say about abuse—
however, these thoughts are not organized topically in the Bible. Therefore, at our ministry called Hope for the Heart, we mine the Scriptures to discover “What has God said about
this
topic?” Then we
identify
all the verses related to the problem,
organize
the verses within four categories (definitions, characteristics, causes, and solutions), and
present
action steps that help put those principles to work in real life.
This is what our
Biblical Counseling Library
is all about. Each of the 100 topics in our
Biblical Counseling Library
(five of which are examined in this book), present
God’s truth for today’s problems
. But why prioritize
truth
? Long ago, I learned that we need to line up our thinking with God’s thinking because
a changed mind produces a changed heart, and a changed heart produces a changed life
. That’s the ultimate end: that we all experience a changed life through Christ and become all He created us to be.
As you read the following pages, nothing would give me greater joy than
for you
to find the
biblical hope and practical help
needed to rise above the storm clouds of your past so that you can soar to unimagined new heights. But that’s not all. Realize that your abuse doesn’t have to remain
pointless.
It can become full of
purpose
—the Lord can powerfully use it to bring healing and to help other hurting people begin to soar. Therefore, my sincere prayer is that you will be greatly used by God to help others feel
His
wind beneath their wings.