How to Rise Above Abuse (Counseling Through the Bible Series) (5 page)

Biblical Commitment

The Bible promises justice and hope…

“What the wicked dreads will overtake him;
what the righteous desire will be granted.
When the storm has swept by, the wicked are gone,
but the righteous stand firm forever”

(P
ROVERBS
10:24-25).

The secret is so shaming—the savagery of childhood sexual abuse so crippling—that you tell
no one
, according to Marilyn. And the family dynamic in the Van Derbur household only fueled the frenzied hush. “Telling on others” was taboo among the sisters because the one who reported a misdeed received a harsher punishment than the one who did something wrong.

And then there was the fact that Marilyn’s oldest sister had been sent off to boarding school for being defiant and rebellious. The same would likely happen to Marilyn if she said anything. Therefore, the trauma of the sexual abuse caused Marilyn to dissociate. She “split” and became two different people—to repress what was happening night after night.
¹⁹

A “day child” emerged…“happy, sparkly…highly moral.”
²⁰
But then there
was the “night child,” often found curled up on her bed in a fetal position…
waiting…
only to have her perpetrator pry her arms and legs apart.
²¹
Together, the day child and the night child exemplified the truth of this proverb:

“Even in laughter the heart may ache,
and joy may end in grief”

(P
ROVERBS
14:13).

•
Child victims
of sexual abuse are any boys or girls who have suffered a single instance or many instances of sexual abuse.

—
Children,
in legal terms, are referred to as minors.

—
Children
(minors) are defined, in the United States, as persons under the age of 18.
²²

•
Child victims
have no choice about being abused and no ability to stop the abuse unless they are
trained to resist
.

—
Victims
are defenseless against the resulting emotional pain.

—
Victims
feel overwhelmed, powerless, and totally alone.

Biblical Comfort

The Bible describes God’s concern for victims…

“You, O God, do see trouble and grief;
you consider it to take it in hand.
The victim commits himself to you…
You hear, O L
ORD
, the desire of the afflicted;
you encourage them, and you listen to their cry”

(P
SALM
10:14,17).

He was considered a pillar of the community in Denver. Marilyn’s mother considered him an Adonis, the Greek god. And she was the picture of the submissive wife—to a fault.
²³

Van rose to prominence in the business community after he married and purchased his wife’s family company. Not only was he a founding trustee of the Denver Civic Center and a board member of the Denver Center for the
Performing Arts, but this father of four daughters was ironically president of the Denver Area Boy Scouts Council.
²⁴

Just as Marilyn became two people—day child and night child—Francis Van Derbur was a friendly philanthropist by day and a family perpetrator by night. His daytime giving stood in sharp contrast to his nighttime groping. How well his life mirrored this scriptural contrast:

“The good man brings good things
out of the good stored up in him,
and the evil man brings evil things out of the evil stored up in him”

(M
ATTHEW
12:35).

Perpetrators

A
DULT
S
EDUCERS OF
C
HILDREN

•
Family Members
(familial perpetrators)

— Are most frequently fathers and stepfathers

— Prefer sex with children who are merely available and vulnerable—that is, their own children

•
Pedophiles
(preferential perpetrators)
²⁵

— Are considerably older than their victims and demonstrate a preference for prepubescent children while having little or no sexual interest in their own peers

— Primarily victimize nonfamily members (averaging 90 victims, whereas familial pedophiles abuse an average of two victims)

•
Predators
(chance perpetrators)

— Do not have a true preference for children, but will have sex with a child just because the child is available or in order to seek revenge

— Feel angry, bored, or powerless and thus set out in search of anyone to violate sexually, with children often being accessible and easy prey

C
HILD
/A
DOLESCENT
P
ERPETRATORS OF
C
HILDREN

•
Minors
who sexually violate younger or less powerful children

— Are typically victims of sexual abuse themselves who learn to abuse other children in the same way they have been or are presently being abused

— Comprise the most underreported group of child abusers

A
DULT
R
APISTS OF
C
HILDREN

•
Cruel victimizers
who commit violent sexual acts against children

— Usually significantly older than their victims

— The most dangerous of child abusers, but typically do not rape a particular child more than once

Biblical Condemnation

The Bible reveals the intent of a victimizer…

“A malicious man disguises himself with his lips,
but in his heart he harbors deceit.
Though his speech is charming, do not believe him,
for seven abominations fill his heart.
His malice may be concealed by deception,
but his wickedness will be exposed in the assembly”

(P
ROVERBS
26:24-26).

Where was Marilyn’s mother when all this abuse was happening? “Silence is the voice of complicity,” the saying goes. And her silence was cloaked in a pretense she would protect—no matter the cost.

Marilyn’s mother wanted the world to believe she had the perfect family, and from the outside, they appeared to be just that—attractive, wealthy, and accomplished. She herself was the picture of charm, always optimistic and
active in the civic theater and other organizations. Raised in a highly regarded Denver family, she was determined to forever remain esteemed by the other millionaire socialites.
²⁶

So desperate was Marilyn’s mother to disguise the family dysfunction that once when she was hospitalized, she ordered flowers from the gift shop so she could tell everybody they were from Van. He, on the other hand, had flatly told her years before that if she were ever incapacitated, he wouldn’t care for her.
²⁷

So…let’s look at the real question: Why don’t the “nonoffending parents” of sexually abused children protect their vulnerable young ones? Why do they further victimize their innocent children by failing to shield them, guard them, shelter them? Don’t they realize the ever-present, all-knowing God sees and holds them accountable? Proverbs 24:12 poses these questions:

“If you say, ‘But we knew nothing about this,’
does not he who weighs the heart perceive it?
Does not he who guards your life know it?
Will he not repay each person according to what he has done?”

Typically, nonprotective parents can be divided into four categories. Those within the first three categories reject their most basic parental role: to protect their offspring. Not only do they permit their children to be abused, but also they appear to favor the guilty over the innocent—the abuser over the abused. Surprisingly, abused children feel more anger toward the nonoffending parent for failing to protect them than toward the abuser for abusing them.

The four categories are:

— Give silent consent to sexual abuse by ignoring it

— Usually feel powerless to protect themselves or their children

— Victimize their children by withholding both physical protection and emotional support

— Don’t know about the abuse because they have excessively immersed themselves in their own personal lives

— Put their time and energy into solving their own emotional problems and satisfying their own unmet needs

— Overlook the observable signs of a child in distress due to their lack of sensitivity and discernment

— Highly value outward appearances, and thus adamantly insist their family life is the ideal

— Refuse to believe sexual abuse could exist within their picture-perfect home

— Will not take their child’s word that such a travesty as sexual abuse has occurred

Biblical Chastisement

The Bible chastises protectors of the guilty and those who fail to protect the innocent…

“It is not good to be partial to the wicked
or to deprive the innocent of justice”

(P
ROVERBS
18:5).

A fourth category of nonprotecting parents is clearly distinct from the others. While most nonoffending parents believe they are in
this
group, sadly, only a minority truly belong to it—those who deeply love their children yet who also trust the untrustworthy. They presume that their children are safe when, in reality, they are in danger. They miss the signs of abuse because they assume there is no reason to look for such signs.

— Have a positive influence on their children but cannot see signs of abuse because the perpetrator is highly skilled at hiding the abuse

— Look for and guard against other dangers to their children but fully trust those closest to them

— Do protect if made aware of the abuse, no matter who the abuser might be

These positive parents need to pray diligently for wisdom because Jesus said, “Wisdom is proved right by all her children” (Luke 7:35).

Terror tied Marilyn’s tongue, keeping her from telling about the sexual abuse her father inflicted on her and the harsh discipline he imposed on all of his daughters. When Marilyn was five years old, Van once held her by the ankles over a second-floor banister. It wasn’t about fun, she recalls—it was about power. As a further reminder, there was a switch (a slender whip or rod) atop every door frame in the house—a handy tool for making sure the Van Derbur girls “toed the line.”

“My father was the master. You did it his way, always.”
²⁸

Back rubs…that’s how Van explained his absence from his wife’s bedroom and his presence in Marilyn’s. “Just trying to help her get to sleep,” he would say. And Marilyn’s mother would drift off to sleep, persisting in her delusional fantasy of family perfection.
²⁹

As with Van, childhood sexual abuse doesn’t typically occur as a onetime, isolated incident. Rather, it’s more common for the perpetrator to have a premeditated plan that results in repeated abuse. While the details in each case are different, perpetrators tend to follow this pattern of behavior: First they
seduce,
then they
stimulate
, then they
silence
, and then they
suppress
the child. Once suppressed, the child loses all hope.

The following could easily reflect the feeling of never-ending sorrow:

“How long must I wrestle with my thoughts
and every day have sorrow in my heart?
How long will my enemy triumph over me?”

(P
SALM
13:2).

•
Seduction
—The perpetrator emotionally entices and leads the child astray by…
³⁰

— Developing intimacy and a warped sense of loyalty through granting special privileges