Read How to Rise Above Abuse (Counseling Through the Bible Series) Online
Authors: June Hunt
II. Characteristics of Verbal and Emotional Abuse
A. What Differentiates Grievous Words from Gracious Words?
B. What Are Some of the Many Faces of Abuse?
C. What Characterizes Classic Passive-Aggressive Behavior?
D. What Are Examples of Emotionally Abusive Rejection?
E. What Is the Cost of Constant Abuse?
F. What Characterizes Healthy vs. Unhealthy Relationships?
III. Causes of Verbal and Emotional Abuse
A. What Breeding Ground Brings Forth Abusers?
B. Why Do Some Inflict Abuse, and Others Receive or Reject Abuse?
C. What Is the Root Cause of Abusive Relationships?
B. A Key Passage to Read and Reread
C. How to Identify the Language of Love
D. How to Have Victory over Verbal Abuse
E. How to Change the Course of an Abusive Relationship
F. How to Confront and Cope with Emotionally Abusive People
G. How to Build Personal Boundaries
H. How to Let God Heal Your Broken Heart
I. The First Action You Can Take Toward Healing
J. Additional Actions You Can Take Toward Healing
“You’re worthless!” “You’ll never amount to anything!” “I wish you had never been born!” Words like these, spoken to a child, can wound the heart for a lifetime.
Another kind of abuse takes place in adulthood when control is the name of the game. Threats like, “If you leave me, I’ll hurt the children!” or “I’ve taken the keys—you’re not going anywhere!” are both emotionally and verbally abusive and are ways of maintaining control in relationships.
Abuse can also be perpetrated without a word—degrading looks, obscene gestures, and threatening behaviors can inflict immense pain and impede emotional growth.
If you can relate to any of these abusive scenarios, please know you don’t have to let an abuser make you feel worthless. Jesus said that God not only knows each and every sparrow, but He also knows you intimately and considers you to be of far greater worth than them:
“Are not five sparrows sold for two pennies?
Yet not one of them is forgotten by God.
Indeed, the very the hairs of your head are all numbered.
Don’t be afraid; you are worth more than many sparrows”
(L
UKE
12:6-7).
Emotional abuse is the unseen fallout from all other forms of abuse: physical, mental, verbal, sexual, and even spiritual. People often minimize the importance of emotions. Yet feelings can be the driving force behind
choices made by deeply wounded people, and those choices can be detrimental if not rooted in a true understanding of who we are. Emotional abuse strikes at the very core of who we are—crushing our confidence, whittling away at our sense of worth, suffocating our spirit. The Bible says,
“A cheerful heart is good medicine,
but a crushed spirit dries up the bones”
(P
ROVERBS
17:22).
•
Emotional abuse is any ongoing negative behavior
used to control or hurt another person. Emotional abuse ranges from consistent indifference to continual belittling of character.
— All forms of abuse—emotional, verbal, mental, physical, spiritual, and sexual—damage a person’s sense of dignity and God-given worth.
— All forms of abuse wound the spirit and therefore are emotionally abusive.
Proverbs, the book of wisdom, poses this probing question:
“A crushed spirit who can bear?”
(P
ROVERBS
18:14).
•
Emotional abuse or “psychological mistreatment” scars the spirit
of the one abused.
— The damage from emotional abuse can last far longer than damage from any other kind of abuse. A broken arm will soon heal; a broken heart may take a lifetime to heal.
— After extended periods of emotional abuse, many victims lose hope, feeling that life is not worth living.
The book of Proverbs states it this way:
“Hope deferred makes the heart sick”
(P
ROVERBS
13:12).
•
Emotional abuse can be passive-aggressive
. Passive-aggressive abuse is a means of exercising indirect, underhanded control over another person.
—
Passive-aggressive abusers
express their anger through nonassertive, covert behavior. To gain control in a relationship, these abusers often use manipulation as a means of placing themselves in a position of dependence. Then, with underlying anger, they become faultfinders of the people on whom they depend.
1
—
Victims of passive-aggressive people feel perplexed
and dismayed at being the target of punitive and manipulative behaviors.
—
Friends of passive-aggressive abusers often become enmeshed
in trying to comfort or console them in response to their claims of unjust treatment and their inability to handle life on their own.
Passive-aggressive abusers need to recognize and resolve their very real anger and take to heart God’s warning:
“Do not be quickly provoked in your spirit,
for anger resides in the lap of fools”
(E
CCLESIASTES
7:9).
•
Emotional abuse can be either
overt
or
covert
.
—
Overt abuse
clearly expresses that a person is useless or unloved (as when one is belittled as a child).
2
—
Covert abuse
occurs by sending the same message in subtle ways that may or may not be intended to cause harm by the perpetrator (as when one is ignored as a child).
3
Biblical Example of Both Overt and Covert Abuse: Tamar
(Read 2 Samuel chapter 13.)
O
VERT
A
BUSE
Tamar, daughter of King David, was raped by her half-brother Amnon and then was openly and blatantly despised and shunned by him.
C
OVERT
A
BUSE
Their father, King David, indirectly rejected Tamar by failing to execute justice on her behalf when he refused to hold Amnon accountable for his sin. David, in essence, let his son off the hook by totally ignoring the sexual violation of his daughter.
Emotional Abuse in Scripture
Q
UESTION
:
“What does the Bible say about emotional abuse?”
A
NSWER
:
The Bible doesn’t use the term
emotional abuse
, but it does instruct us as to how we are to treat one another. The Bible details the kinds of attitudes and actions we should show and carry out toward one another. If we follow these guidelines, we will never abuse anyone.
“Do nothing out of selfish ambition or vain conceit,
but in humility consider others better than yourselves.
Each of you should look not only to your own interests,
but also to the interests of others”
(P
HILIPPIANS
2:3-4).
Verbal abuse is a form of overt emotional abuse. A skilled woodsman wields his ax carefully, chopping repeatedly on a designated spot until the targeted tree falls. This lumberjack takes pride in controlling himself and his dangerous tool, never striking a careless blow. Likewise, a verbal abuser uses his tongue like a sharp weapon to hack away at another person. This abuser is skilled in his ability to strike a blow—he wields derogatory, deceitful words with a precision intended to caustically cut the heart and injure the soul.
“Your tongue plots destruction;
it is like a sharpened razor,
you who practice deceit”
(P
SALM
52:2).
•
Verbal abuse is the systematic, ongoing use of harmful words
or sharp tones in an attempt to control or dominate another person.
—
Abuse
is mistreatment: the destructive misuse of something or someone.
—
Verbal abuse
is always destructive.
Those who practice verbal abuse may, sometimes unconsciously, delight in its power to destroy.
“You love every harmful word,
O you deceitful tongue!”
(P
SALM
52:4).
•
Verbal abuse injures the feelings of others
with reviling, insulting, or contemptuous words. The Hebrew word for “revile” is
gadaph,
from a root word that means “cut” or “wound.”
4
The psalmist said,
“My disgrace is before me all day long,
and my face is covered with shame
at the taunts of those who reproach and revile me,
because of the enemy, who is bent on revenge”
(P
SALM
44:15-16).
•
Verbal abuse often seeks to injure the reputation of others
. It does this by…
— Using tactics such as backbiting, barbs, or belittling talk
— Using strategies such as slander, slurs, and lies
The Bible says this about verbal abusers:
“You love evil rather than good,
falsehood rather than speaking the truth”
(P
SALM
52:3).
When soldiers are taken captive, enemy combatants will sometimes attempt to brainwash them—an effective tactic used in psychological warfare. This term refers to a systematic, forcible process of indoctrination that puts pressure on prisoners to relinquish their beliefs and accept opposing views.
5
It’s not only prisoners of war who are exposed to attempts at brainwashing. You may find that a member of your family or a supervisor at work is trying to brainwash you. In whatever circumstance brainwashing occurs, the damage can be devastating. That’s because the goal of brainwashing is to systematically and persistently wear away at your sense of self-worth and confidence—to the point that you distrust yourself, doubt your decisions, and even lose touch with reality.
The Bible warns…
“Those people are zealous to win you over,
but for no good. What they want is to alienate you from us,
so that you may be zealous for them”
(G
ALATIANS
4:17).
Verbal and Emotional Tactics Employed in Brainwashing
V
ERBAL
B
RAINWASHING
—
Intimidation
: Implying that your failure to comply with all demands or to adopt all of the abuser’s attitudes or beliefs will result in severe consequences
—
Indoctrination:
Implanting repeated messages contrary to your presently held values or beliefs
—
Discreditation:
Belittling your “outside” family and friends who disagree with the abuser
—
Degradation:
Engaging in name-calling, insults, ridicule, and humiliation
—
Accusation:
Claiming that your thoughts are childish, stupid, or crazy
“They do not speak peaceably, but devise false accusations
against those who live quietly in the land”