How To Save The World: An Alien Comedy (49 page)

“Yeah, you never know.  She might have a good reason,” Kesta suggested, optimistically.

So Eric took a deep breath then headed over to the steps to speak to Elskar.  She was facing the beach so he approached from behind her.  As he arrived at her side he tapped her arm and began his inquiry.  “Alright, I was just wondering if something came up or…”  But before he could even get his sentence out Elskar had turned her back on him and started talking to her friend.

Eric was about to lean round to ask her again, just in case she had got confused in some way, but then realised that he’d be wasting his time.  She had completely blanked him and therefore obviously had no desire to talk to him.  Not only that but her face was very annoyed looking, so she was obviously in a totally bad mood with him for some reason.  So he trudged dejectedly back to Kesta.

“I take it, it didn’t go very well, then,” Kesta inquired.  By now Hex had also arrived.

“Hey, lasses are complete idiots, like,” Eric exclaimed.  “No offence to them.  But they are, like.  They’re complete idiots.”

“Why, like?  What’s she done?” Hex asked.

“Well … first she didn’t turn up at the restaurant,” Eric recalled.  “And then I just went to ask her why she bombed uz out and she completely blanked uz!  She didn’t even let uz finish my sentence.  She just, like, turned away and started talking to her mate.  I tell you … lasses, man.  They’re proper mental.”

“Did you do something to upset her, like?” Hex queried.

“Nar!” Eric shrugged.  “Well, I mean … yeah, obviously.  I must have done … but I don’t know what.  That’s the stupid thing about lasses.  They expect you to be a mind-reader, and seriously … like, dudes are, like, the worst people in the world at knowing what’s going on inside lasses’ brains, like, so lasses are completely stupid for expecting us to be able to read their minds.  We can’t even read them when they’re being totally obvious half the time, so how are we meant to read their minds when they’re being secretive?”

“I wonder what you’ve done,” Kesta pondered.

“It’ll probably be nowt, man,” Eric remarked.  “She’ll just be in a strop over a totally minor little detail which she’s suddenly decided is, like, totally important.  But really it’ll just be totally insignificant.”

“Yeah anyway, you’re better off being single,” Hex advised.

Then Eric suddenly had an idea.  “You couldn’t ask her mate for uz, could you, Hex?” he requested.

“Ask her mate what?” Hex asked.

“Ask her why Elskar bombed uz out?” Eric clarified.

“Well, nar.  I don’t really want to speak to her,” Hex enlightened, “cos then she might think I’m after a replay, and I’m not.  So I don’t want to give her the wrong impression.”

“I know but just, like, so I know what’s going on,” Eric persisted.

“Well nar, cos like I say, if I speak to her she’s going to think I want to keep hanging out with her and I don’t,” Hex reiterated.

“Well so what?” Eric shrugged.  “What’s wrong with her thinking that?”

“Well it’s not really being fair on her if I give her the wrong impression,” Hex explained, showing his compassionate side.

“Well, here!  Sveltish Indie Chick gave me the wrong impression, like,” Eric argued.  “So tough crap on her mate!”

“I know but I don’t want her turning into a stalker or anything,” Hex remarked.

“Well just say to her, ‘Look, I’m just into one-offs so I don’t want a replay or nothing, but why did your mate bomb Eric out?’” Eric suggested.

“I can’t say that,” Hex purported.  “That makes uz look totally shallow.”

“Well you are,” Eric shrugged.

“I know but I don’t want to advertise the fact,” Hex replied.

“Here, man!  You’re being a complete snide, like!” Eric snapped, losing his patience.

“Course I’m not,” Hex disagreed.  “How’s that, like?”

“Cos I totally like Sveltish Indie Chick and you won’t even put yourself out for uz,” Eric moaned.  “Thanks a lot, like, for nothing, you snide.”

“Eric, man.  It’s not gonna make any difference either way,” Kesta interjected, playing the peace-maker.  “She’s bombed you out.  What does it matter
why
she bombed you out?”

“Cos if I knew why she bombed uz out,” Eric replied, “I could go up to her and be all, like, ‘Ar, Elskar.  I’m really sorry for doing that totally trivial thing I did which has got you in a pure huff over nothing.  But I’ve, like, thought about it now and I can totally see that you’re totally in the right and I’m totally in the wrong, even though it’s a totally trivial insignificant thing and you’re being a complete fool about it.’  Except I probably wouldn’t say it exactly like that.  I’d probably word it a bit different to make her think I was being all sympathetic and apologetic and all that.”

“I doubt her mate would tell uz anyway,” Hex reasoned.  “You know what lasses are like.  They totally stick together.”

“Well just try anyway,” Eric
urged.  “Go on, man.”

“I don’t want to risk giving out the wrong imp…”

“Hey, you’re being a complete and utter snide, like!” Eric interrupted, and he stormed off to the bar, muttering under his breath on his way, “Hey, I’m sick of this stupid rubbishy planet, like.  They’re all a bunch of snides.”

Hex and Kesta watched him as he stormed off.  Hex shrugged to sort of say ‘What got into him?’ and Kesta shrugged back as if to say ‘I dunno.  Weird, eh?’ in reply.

At that point one of the bar staff jumped onto the bar and his colleague jumped onto the podium opposite, which was the signal that they were about to commence doing the fire skipping rope.  Basically, at various points throughout the evening the bar staff at Hang Out would set a skipping rope on fire and drunken backpackers would think, ‘Oo, that’s a good idea,’ and drunkenly attempt to skip over it and more often than not fail miserably, earning themselves really bad skin burns in the process.  It was extremely reckless and irresponsible but it was also extremely fun entertainment, which was why Kesta immediately suggested they head down onto the beach for a better view.

“Ar, class!  The fire skipping rope’s coming on,” he
exclaimed.  “Shall we head down?”

“Yeah, might as well,” Hex agreed.  “Although it’s never very good this early on cos most people are still sober.  It’s better later on when everyone’s totally DQed up
[92]
and everyone falls over and gets burnt.”

So they headed down to the beach for a better view of the fire skipping rope.

Meanwhile Eric was waiting to get served.  And as he was waiting, much to his surprise a fit lass to his left smiled at him.  So he smiled back.

“I like your t-shirt,” the fit lass complimented.

“Thanks,” Eric replied, and he smiled again.  “Your dress is a bit average but you’re really fit so I’m going to pretend it’s really good out of shallowness.”  Then he faced back towards the bar for a few moments, before then glancing back at the fit lass once again.  He then placed a surprised look on his face as if to suggest he had only just noticed her for the first time.  “Hey, I really like your dress, like,” he remarked.

This comment on its own would probably have gone down well with the fit lass, but he sort of blew it when he revealed that i
n actual fact he only thought her dress was merely average and he was only complimenting it to curry favour with her on account of her fitness.  So because of this the fit lass gave Eric a deserved grumpy look and made a quick exit.

Meanwhile, Elskar’s mate had noticed Hex and made a sharp bee-line for him.

“Hi,” she smiled at him.

“Ar, alright,” Hex replied, as neutrally and as unenthusiastically as possible.

Elskar’s mate, whose name was Yillar, was really attractive and also a nice girl, but Hex still felt really uncomfortable talking to her.  Like he said to Eric, he had no interest in a replay so couldn’t see the point in hanging out with her.  So having to answer her questions was the last thing he wanted to do.  But the problem was that in everyday life Hex was generally a nice person, so he didn’t want to tell her to go away.  Ideally she would have just wanted to leave it as a one-off herself and then there wouldn’t be a problem, but it was obvious to Hex that she was obviously quite keen on him.  So he currently found himself in a bit of an awkward situation.

But then he had an idea.  He couldn’t be nasty to her for no reason, but then again he didn’t need to be.  Yillar’s mate
Elskar had just bombed out his mate Eric, so Hex reckoned that gave him an excuse to be in a slightly bad mood with Yillar.

“You left early this morning,” she remarked.

“Yeah,” Hex shrugged, in the style of Kevin the Teenager.  

At this point Yillar decided to give up on her previous tactic of pretending she hadn’t noticed that Hex was in a funny mood with her.  “What’s wrong?” she asked.  “You’re not very talkative tonight.”

“Well what do you expect?” Hex announced.  “Your mate bombed out my mate for no reason.  I’m hardly likely to be pleased about it.”  As explained, this wasn’t the real reason why Hex was in a funny mood.  The real reason was that he didn’t want a replay and therefore felt uncomfortable talking to Yillar when she quite clearly seemed quite keen on him.  Eric’s rejection was just a convenient excuse.

“
Elskar
bombed
Eric
out?” Yillar questioned, with a hint of confusion in her voice.  “What are you on about?  It was the other way round.”

“That’s not what Eric reckons,” Hex
asserted.

“Well he’s lying then,” Yillar alleged.  “Elskar went to meet him but he didn’t turn up.”

“Well Eric reckons Elskar didn’t turn up,” Hex maintained.  “And he really likes her so he’s definitely not lying.”

“Well he must be cos Elskar likes him as well so she definitely wouldn’t lie either,” Yillar insisted.

“Well Elskar’s obviously confused then, cos Eric definitely thinks that Elskar bombed him out,” Hex contended.  By now he was starting to get a little bit paranoid, though.  It was starting to sound as if Eric getting bombed out might possibly just be a misunderstanding which, if that was the case, meant he no longer had an excuse to be in a bad mood with Yillar.  So he needed to come up with another reason to be in the huff with her and fast.

Meanwhile, Eric was starting to regret his comments to the fit lass that liked his t-shirt.  ‘Ar, hey.  I’m a proper chump, like,’ he told himself.  ‘Just cos I’m in a bad mood, there was no need to be sarky to that lass, like.  She seemed really nice.  And she was totally fit as well.  She was probably doing spadework.  Ar, hey.  I’m a total chump.’

But then Eric was suddenly distracted from his self-depreciating thoughts as another really fit lass smiled at him.  “How come you’re not drinking?” she asked, nodding at his energy drink.

‘Right, this time don’t be honest with her,’ Eric told himself.  ‘Well … I mean, be honest.  But not, like,
totally
honest.  Like, don’t tell her she’s wearing too much make-up, for example.  Focus on her good points.’

“Ar, er … your legs are really nice, like,” he mumbled.

The fit lass didn’t quite know what to say to this so Eric quickly added, “Ar, but that’s not why I’m not drinking … like, getting back to your original question, that is.  Your fit legs are nothing to do with uz drinking energy drinks,” Eric explained.  “I’m just not really that into the DQ.”

“But you’re on holiday!” the fit lass flirtily replied.  “You’re meant to be enjoying yourself!”

“Yeah, but … well…”  ‘Remember, don’t be excessively honest,’ Eric told himself.  “Just, like, well…”  He racked his brains for an honest but not excessively honest answer that didn’t reveal his true purpose for being on Fem.  He couldn’t think of one.  So then he racked his brains for an alternative but nevertheless still honest reply that shifted the conversation in a different direction.  “…my mate died cos of DQ,” he finally answered, deciding at the last minute that honesty wasn’t for him after all.  “He got totally DQed up one night and choked on his own sick.  So DQ sort of brings back bad memories for uz.”

The fit lass looked totally mortified.  “I - I’m really sorry,” she stuttered.  “I didn’t realise…”  Her voice trailed off.

“Ar, no.  It’s not your fault,” Eric frowned.  “You didn’t realise.  But I just can’t really face drinking DQ after my mate … you know.”  The fit lass placed her hand compassionately on Eric’s shoulder.  “And, I mean, like, you’re right.  I probably do need to enjoy myself more to take my mind off things.  That was the whole reason I came away on holiday.”

Meanwhile, Hex and Yillar had sussed out the alleged bombing out incident between Eric and Elskar.  Eric had gone to the wrong restaurant.  Elskar had arranged to meet at Papaya Restaurant and Eric had gone to Mango Restaurant.  So with the happy news that Eric hadn’t bombed her out after all, Yillar went straight to her mate Elskar to inform her of the situation.  Elskar took the news with begrudging pleasantness, although secretly she was much more pleased than she let on.  Not because she was completely smitten with Eric or anything like that.  Mainly because lasses totally hate getting bombed out, whereas they only mildly dislike discovering that the dude they had arranged to meet was a proper chump who can’t even remember the name of the right restaurant.  So discovering that Eric was a gormless chump was significantly more preferable to discovering he was a stand-up merchant.