How To Save The World: An Alien Comedy (51 page)

And so all thoughts of attempting three in two quickly disappeared from Eric’s head and he instead concentrated on doing ‘something else’ with Darbie.

It had now been almost two days since Monty and Garth had created Stella Gascrom as a fake friend for Eric, and yet he had still failed to add her as a friend.  Not surprisingly, they were starting to get worried.

“I wouldn’t be surprised if he’s seeing someone,” Garth surmised.

“Why d’you reckon that, like?” Monty asked.

“Cos he would have added her by now,” Garth theorised.  “Either he hasn’t been into his account or if he has then he clearly isn’t curious
to meet up with a fit lass that has allegedly seen him around and wants to meet up.  And the only reason why I can think he might possibly not be interested in a fit lass is if he was serious about another lass.”

“I think it’s more likely that he just hasn’t logged into his A.T.S. for a while,” Monty reasoned.  “Remember, he didn’t log in for over a week when he first got to Ko Pagna.”

“Yeah, but that was when he first arrived,” Garth replied.  “Like, the excitement of being in a new place and the novelty of it probably meant that he had better things to do.  But he’s been on A.T.S. fairly regular since then … so why would he suddenly stop logging in again?”

A worried look appeared on Monty’s face.  “Unless Jixyl and Azleev have realised that we know the truth so they’ve taken care of Eric before we can warn him.”

An equally worried expression appeared on Garth’s face.  “Shit!  You’re probably right!” he agreed.

Monty then tried to regain his composure.  “We’re probably just worrying about nothing.  Eric’s probably just been too busy having a good time to worry about his A.T.S. account,” he optimistically suggested.

“Yeah, that’s probably it,” Garth agreed.

But no matter how much the pair of them protested, they looked far from convinced.

By now Darbie had headed off leaving Eric alone to reflect on his recent apparent acquisition of a magic banana.  He lay on his bed with his hands behind his head feeling smug.  A big satisfied grin adorned his face.

“Yes!  Total chuffedness!” he remarked to himself.  “Two in two!”  One of Eric’s mates had once done four in four, and another had once done six in seven, so Eric’s achievement wasn’t that remarkable, but by his own relatively unambitious expectations he was now in previously unknown territory.  He smiled some more.  “
And
… I’ve been with a Sveltish lass as well!  Two of my ambitions achieved in two days!  What a fluke!”  He rubbed his hands together smugly.  “Although technically my ambition was actually a Swedish lass, not a Sveltish lass … but it’s virtually the same thing.”  And so he spent the next half hour lying there wallowing in his own smugness.

Gradually though, as is the case with all dudes, the smugness began to evolve into an urge to boast.  So he sent Kesta and Hex a text to publicize his achievement:

‘Two in two.  Proper chuffed, like.’

He had initially typed out:

‘Two in two!  Proper chuffed, like!’

But then decided that he wanted to play it cool and so he substituted his originally over-excitable exclamation marks for more chilled out full stops.

But telling Kesta and Hex wasn’t enough.  The urge to boast was still there, so he then decided to log into his A.T.S. account to inform Monty and Garth of his success.  As he picked up his A.T.S. unit he thought to himself, ‘It’s been a while since I last logged in, like.’  It had indeed been a while since he last logged in and Stella Gascrom was still patiently waiting for him to add her as a friend.  ‘Ar, yeah.  I’d forgot about her, like,’ he thought to himself, as he noticed her friend request on his home page.  So he clicked on her photo and re-read her welcome message:

‘Hi, I’ve seen you around in Ko Pagna and wanted to say hello but I’m too shy to speak to you so I thought I’d contact you by A.T.S. first.  I’d really like to meet up sometime.’

“Yes!  The magic banana continues to work its magic!” Eric exclaimed.  So then he clicked on the ‘add as friend’ button.

And seemingly as soon as he did, within a matter of seconds a new message had arrived in his inbox.  So he opened his inbox and discovered that it was from his new friend Stella Gascrom.

‘Ar, class!  She’s totally keen, like!’ he thought to himself.  But his smug sense of self-satisfaction was quickly replaced by altogether more negative thoughts as he opened up her message:

‘This is serious.  This is not a joke.  Read this message then delete it immediately.  Then change your password.  Then log out then log back in again immediately using your new password.  Then send a message to Stella Gascrom to tell me that you’ve acted on my instructions.  Do not use her wall.  Use private mail.  Then await further instructions.

Your life is at risk if you don’t do exactly what I say.  Repeat, this is not a joke.

Monty.’

‘Gutter!  That sounds like a bit of a downer, like,’ Eric thought to himself.  So he deleted the message and was about to change his password when he suddenly remembered a lush snaky trick Monty had once played on him a few months earlier.

Monty had sent him a text which went something along the lines of, ‘Dude, can you ring me as soon as possible cos I need an urgent word!  My battery is nearly dead though, so use this number…’  But when Eric rang the number it turned out to be a gay advice helpline.  Eric acknowledged Monty’s trick by texting back, ‘Nice one,’ to which Monty replied, ‘I didn’t think you’d fall for it cos I thought you’d recognise the number.’

Anyway, Eric momentarily paused as he considered the possibility that this might be another trick.  But then he decided that either way he still had to do what Monty had told him.  If he was being serious then his life was at risk so it was essential that he followed Monty’s orders.  And if it was a joke then it would probably be a really funny gag so it was worth following Monty’s instructions to see what comedy prank he had lined up.

So Eric changed his password then logged out then logged back in again.  Then he sent the following message to Stella Gascrom:

‘Alright, it’s Eric here.  So who’s Stella Gascrom, then?  She looks canny fit, like.  And what’s all that about my life being at risk?  Is it a trick?  If it’s a trick then saying someone’s life is in danger is crossing the line, like.  That’s not how lush snaky tricks work.  Saying someone’s life is at risk is past the realms of a lush snaky trick into the realms of being a total snide.  But obviously if my life is actually at risk then potentially dying would be a bit of a gutter, like, so obviously the most preferable option will be that hopefully you’ve just not understood the rules of lush snaky tricks properly and this will just be a trick and you’ll have a really funny punch-line lined up.

Anyway, I’ve done what you said.  I’ve changed my password and logged out and logged back in and all that.

I now await further instructions.

Hopefully in the form of a funny punch-line.

Eric.’

Then he crossed his fingers and hoped that it was nothing more than a misjudged prank on Monty’s part.  A few moments later, however, his hopes were savagely cut down as he received the following reply:

‘Sorry, there’s no funny punch-line.  Prepare yourself for a shock…

Jixyl and Azleev are total liars.  They’ve been stringing you along all this time.  The Femlings aren’t planning to kill every living species on Earth after all.  Jixyl and Azleev just made that up.  In actual fact the Femlings are totally harmless.  They’re no danger whatsoever to Earth.  Jixyl and Azleev are the mad psychos … not the Femlings.  They’ve got some twisted obsession about the Femlings having an extra finger and that’s what this is all about.  They’re just hate-filled mentalists to the point of genocidal jealousy.  They’re not doing us some big favour to save mankind from obliteration.  That was just some patter they made-up.  They’re just mad psychos.’

Eric froze.  His face was a picture of total shock.  “Fuck!  I can’t believe I could have been taken in so easily,” he exclaimed.  “It’s Mike Ashley
[94]
all over again!”

Monty’s message continued:

‘So whatever you do, don’t snog any Femling lasses!  Cos like I say, the Femlings are totally innocent.’

Eric suddenly felt numb.

‘And you also need to be aware that Jixyl and Azleev have had access to your A.T.S. account since you’ve been on Fem.  That’s why we got you to change your password.  And that’s why you need to contact me and Garth through our Stella Gascrom account from now on.  It’s probably wise that we continue to contact each other through our original accounts as well, acting as if everything’s all peachy-dorey and all that, just so that Jixyl and Azleev don’t get suspicious, but anything confidential has to go through Stella Gascrom.

And it also might be worth telling them some patter about you using your G.I.N. unit on the beach or something, and you noticed someone hovering about behind you so you changed your password just to be on the safe side.  Something like that.  Just so they don’t get suspicious and wonder why you’ve changed your password.

And finally, what you need to do now is think about how you’re gonna get back to Earth.  Bearing in mind that Jixyl and Azleev are evil snides that are hoping to exterminate the population of an entire planet which, I suspect, means that they’d also have no qualms whatsoever about killing you as well.  So it’s probably not a good idea to ask them for a lift home.

Cos seeing as how you, me and Garth are the only other people in the galaxy that know about this plan to kill all the Femlings, I strongly suspect that once the plan has been completed they might decide that there’s no benefit to be gained from keeping us alive.

So if there’s any way you can get the Femlings to give you a lift home then that might be the wise thing to do.

Anyway, sorry to be the bearer of bad news but hopefully we’ll have managed to contact you before you’ve snogged any fit Femling lasses and we’ll have averted a disaster.

Monty.’

Eric stared into space and blinked.  Then he stared into space some more.  In fact he continued staring into space for approximately the next hour.  He was completely numb.  Every emotion had been whacked out of him.  He was an emotional vacuum.  So he continued staring into space for quite some time, his only movement the occasional blinking of his eyes.

And then, after about an hour or so he managed to curl up into the foetal position.  But still his face bore an empty expressionless look.  Then there was a point, although Eric couldn’t be sure exactly how much time had passed when he noticed this, when he noticed that his arm was shaking.  In fact both arms were shaking.  And his head felt like it was going to explode.

‘AAAAAAAAAARRRRRRRRRRGGGGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!’ he thought to himself.  ‘What a chump I am!
!!’  He squeezed his head in a futile attempt to make the overwhelming sensation of chumpishness go away, but without success.

And that was more or less the point when the numbness began to disappear.  And in its place came an overwhelming feeling of stupidity and embarrassment at being well and truly suckered.  ‘What a muppet!  What a complete muppet!  Why do I always totally fall for tricks?’  He thought back to Monty’s trick with the gay advice helpline.  He had completely fallen for that as well.  Although that wasn’t completely the same, seeing as how that was a lush snaky trick that was a canny funny laugh for everyone and had no negative consequences, whereas this was a complete and utter snidey trick with planet-shattering consequences.

‘I’m such a complete fool!  Given that I quite enjoy playing the occasional lush snaky trick myself, you’d think I’d have gotten a bit better at spotting them when they’re played on me by now.  But no … I’m still the total gormless chump that I’ve always been.  Nothing’s changed.  I’m still the prime candidate target for tomfoolery and japery.  Not to mention a planetocidal deception.’  Then, as the master of understatement he added, ‘Ar, hey.  This is canny rubbish, like.’

And then, as he lay there on his bed contemplating the terrible schoolboy error he had made, he gradually came to a harsh realisation.

‘I should have realised that you don’t save the world by snogging loads of lasses, like.’  He shook his head in disbelief at his own stupidity.  ‘Saving the world tends to follow the old ‘shoot a laser missile into a two metre exhaust shaft’ scenario.  That’s what I would have had to do if Jixyl and Azleev had been telling the truth.  Or mebbees defeat a big monster with four heads and properly lethal sharp teeth or something.  But not snog loads of lasses.  Who ever heard of the Earth being saved by snogging loads of lasses?

For starters, if you were gonna save the world and it involved lasses, then it would be by getting married and being a devoted husband and dedicated father and all that.  Cos if everyone did that then the next generation would all be totally class people.  Obviously you’d get the odd rubbish kid that would turn out to be a snide, but in general the next generation would be a great improvement on the current generation.  Not to knock the current generation cos there’s lots of sound people in the world at the minute as well.  But there’s also a canny few dodgy ones as well.