How To Save The World: An Alien Comedy (53 page)

I know some people will disagree with this statement and see similarities between Eric and myself because admittedly we do have
some
things in common, but overall we’re canny different.  Eric likes carrots for example, whereas I’m not a great fan of vegetables.  Eric has a top five list of fantasies whereas I actually have eight fantasies on my list, so Eric clearly isn’t as ambitious or as creative as me.

Another significant difference is that Eric likes spanking whereas that’s not really my thing.  I mean, obviously if a lass started thrusting her bum at uz then I wouldn’t leave her hanging.  I’m not
that
sly.  It’d be totally inconsiderate on her feelings to leave her hanging.  But in all seriousness spanking is way down my list of stuff I like.

Also, I’m totally much more cleverer than Eric, like.  For the story to work the main character had to be a bit foolish, so I had to make him more stupid than me.  Some people that know me are probably thinking, ‘Flip!  That’s very stupid indeed!’ but they’ll just be thinking that as a joke and secretly they’ll know that I’m canny clever really.  Admittedly I can occasionally have the wool pulled over my eyes as well but I cotton on eventually.  I suppose Eric cottoned on eventually though, didn’t he, so maybe we’re more alike than I realise.

Some of the ways in which we’re alike are probably very obvious to people that know me.  For example, there are many parallels between the dialogue Eric and I employ when communicating.  Or to put it another way, we both talk canny similar, like.

Another similarity is that we both share a love of the game ‘Would You Rather?’  And I also share Eric’s high appreciation of Swedish lasses.  Although having said that, my philosophy is that only a fool would limit his options.  It’s a bad move to voluntarily limit your choices when we live in a world filled with so many amazing flavours.  Which is basically just a fancy way of saying that I’m not really that fussy.

But the most important opinion I share with Eric is that I also reckon the way to save the world is by being a class parent.
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  I remember when I saw that film with Angelina Jolie in it called Beyond Borders, the main character was obviously meant to be some excellent hero doing her bit to save the world and stuff, but all I could think when I was watching it was, ‘Eh!  You’re leaving your kid to go off having adventures around the world!  Like … what are you doing!?  Your kid should totally come first, you fool!’

Like, fair enough if single childless people want to go off having adventures around the world, righting wrongs and fighting injustice and stuff, then good on them.  High five for people like that, like.  They’re class people who I totally respect.  But personally, in my opinion the best thing you can possibly do in the world
– like, better than anything else – is be an excellent parent.  If you’ve got a kid then they obviously have to come first before anything else.  Surely that’s just common sense.

Like, just to stress my point, I know a canny few people who totally put their kid(s) first all the time, so in my eyes they’re blatantly much more better excellent people than Angelina Jolie’s character out of Beyond Borders.  My mam and dad obviously are a good example for starters, but I know quite a few other people as well who I totally respect for the way they’re prepared to give up their free time for their kids and make decisions which benefit their kids more than they benefit themselves and just the way they’re just generally excellent parents.  Obviously I would never tell anyone to their face cos I’d feel like a proper idiot but anyway, that’s the way I secretly think about some people.

Having said all this, even though I reckon the way to save the world is by being a class parent, I personally would rather lie on the beach all day and go out partying every night.  That’s just cos I’m a selfish snide though, so my chosen lifestyle should in no way detract from the truth of my argument.  I’m not arrogant enough to think that my chosen lifestyle is also the most noble and commendable.  It’s very enjoyable, but I can recognise that other lifestyles are blatantly more commendable and rewarding than mine.

Anyway, that’s all I wanted to say.  Sorry for getting all serious and stuff and I’ll try to stick to just writing daft stupid stuff in future.

Ar, actually … there’s just one more thing that I want to say.  For all this is a daft stupid story, I still think it’s a story that a lot of people would probably benefit from reading.

And quite possibly, the person who would probably benefit more than anyone else … is me.

Charles Fudgemuffin

Normally in most books authors usually have a thanks section where they thank loads of people like their agent and their family and friends and stuff.  Obviously though, this isn’t a proper
best-selling book or anything (less than fifty people have read it so far
[99]
) so if I had a thanks section I’d just look like a bit of an idiot.

Not that I mind looking like an idiot if it’s for comedy purposes and people get a laugh out of it.  But this wouldn’t really be looking like an idiot in a comedy way.  It would just be loo
king like an idiot in a non-comedy serious gormless sort of a way.

And I do
n’t want to look like a non-comedy serious gormless idiot, but at the same time I quite like the idea of coming across as a grateful person so as a sort of a compromise I’m just going to say thanks for reading.

Like I say,
less than fifty people have read this book so far, but when people
have
read it, it’s a lush buzz to know other people know Eric’s story as well now (or at least the first part of it).  So massive thanks for taking the time to read ‘How To Save The World: An Alien Comedy’ by Charles Fudgemuffin.  If you enjoyed reading it then I reckon you’ll probably like the rest of the trilogy cos it’s canny similar, like.

It was actually almost f
ive years ago now when I originally finished writing ‘How To Save The World: An Alien Comedy’
[100]
so since then I’ve actually finished writing the rest of the trilogy … all six books of it!  As it turned out part two of the story ended up being two books long (2A and 2B) and part three ended up being three books long (3A, 3B and 3C), so there are quite a few twists and turns still in store for Eric before he gets to the end of his adventures.

Anyway, if you enjoyed this first part in the trilogy then there’s a Charles Fudgemuffin facebook page which is worth joining if you want to be kept up-to-date with the latest Charl
es Fudgemuffin news and future developments in the ‘How To Save The World’ trilogy.  Or if you’re not really that interested then it's still worth joining anyway to make me look more popular:

www.facebook.com/charlesfudgemuffin

I’m also on twitter as @CFudgemuffin:

@CFudgemuffin

And the final way you can stay up to date with all the latest Charles Fudgemuffin news is at the Charles Fudgemuffin blog:

charlesfudgemuffin.blogspot.com

And if you did enjoy this book then please let all your mates know that it’s available from amazon.com and amazon.co.uk.  There’s even a free sample available to download for people that like to try stuff out first before spending their money.

F
inally, if you did enjoy this book then if you could spare a few minutes to leave a review on the amazon website
[101]
telling everyone how funny it was then it’d be massively appreciated.  If, however, you didn’t really think it was that funny then ideally I’d prefer it if you just kept your opinion to yourself.  Or better still … just lie!

Nar, man.  Just joking.  I w
ould never condone dishonest literary appraisal.  So don’t lie.  But hopefully you won’t have to lie cos hopefully you’ll have at least found the occasional bit at least slightly amusing in a moderately okay sort of a way.

Anyway, I’m waffling now so thanks again for reading and finally, to quote the wise words of Confucius, “He who reads t
he words which inspire laughter, then encourages others to read those words, that is he who brings delight to the world, and the delight in his own life shall therefore also multiply ... or something.”

Or perhaps I just made that up.

Anyway, cheers for reading and if you enjoyed the book then please help spread the word.

Charles Fudgemuffin

Technically speaking, you don’t really need a legal bit in a book nowadays cos you get copyright automatically anyway as soon as you write something, but I’m still gonna have a legal bit anyway just to make it look like a real book and stuff.  So here goes.

All rights reserved.  This book may not be reproduced
in any way, shape or form without the author’s express permission.  Also, you can’t use sneaky tricks to get around this condition like the tricks that Microsoft have used in the past.  For example, the time when they charged a massive rip-off fee for a service pack to correct all the mug-ups in one of their versions of Windows which was a bit ropey, and then when people started complaining about the fee they said, ‘Ar, actually we’ve made the service pack free now … but there’s just a small massive rip-off fee to cover our postage and packing.’  No sneaky rip-off tricks like that are allowed.

To make things
absolutely clear, any reproduction of this book (or any part of it) is totally utterly not allowed.  Not even a little bit.

Just to clarify
things though, you can obviously download the free sample from the amazon website or the Charles Fudgemuffin blog for personal non-profit related use, i.e. to read it.  That’s okay.  The copyright bit doesn’t mean you can’t download the free sample obviously.  So if you know anyone that might enjoy ‘How To Save The World’ then please encourage them to download the free sample and try it out.  Telling your friends about the book is actively encouraged and massively appreciated.  So please help spread the word.

Anyway, that concludes the legal bit.  Thanks for your attention.

How To Save The World by Charles Fudgemuffin

Aliens from the planet Fem have decided that as compassionate citizens of the galaxy they have a duty to alleviate suffering and affliction from the rest of the galaxy.

In the majority of cases this will involve sharing their unprecedented prosperity and quality of life with those planets less fortunate than themselves. Of course, in a minority of extreme cases this will also involve eliminating life from those planets in the galaxy where the level of suffering is simply too great to alleviate.

Unfortunately for Earth, the Femlings have deemed us one such planet...

Here’s what people have said about
‘How To Save The World’ by Charles Fudgemuffin:

“One of the most amusing books I have ever read…”

“Don’t usually go for alien or space stuff but highly recommend it.”

…Pixie Mae

“I found myself laughing out loud while reading this book.”

“Each chapter I read I was wanting to read the next to see what happens.”

“I could even see this book being made into a film and having a cult following akin to the Hitchhikers Guide To The Galaxy.”

“Very funny book.”

…happyvibe

“Class, class, class.  Totally mental class.”

…Matty Hogg

“…the Geordie h
umour comes across perfectly…”

“…a great read.”

…FWG

“I read the first 30 or so pages at work and at some points I was laughing out loud…”

“…anyone who has the slightest sense
of humour will enjoy this book!”

…Alan Bell

“…yes and my god is the book funny.  I’m going to buy Nigel a copy when it eventually gets published.  He would love it. ;)”

“Chapter two was so funny I was trying not to laugh out loud cos Jax was on the phone but I snorted some wine.”

“My friend Nigel would loooooooooooooove this book.  He is the most perverted guy out and totally has a thing about bums…”

“Chapter four is verrrrrrrrrry funny.”

“Funny funny…”

…Johanna Gethin

“Obviously I cherry picked all the best quotes and left out a couple of comments from boring miserable people.  Still though, it’s nice when you spend so long working on a book and then people say nice stuff about it, so thanks everyone who’s said nice stuff.”

...Charles Fudgemuffin

Part 2A of the ‘How To Save The World’ trilogy…