How to Seduce a Scoundrel (38 page)

All these years, he’d believed himself incapable of being
faithful, but he would. He’d experienced the emptiness of lust-filled couplings with women he’d barely known. He was done with that life forever. Today, he would walk away from that cold life and begin anew with his sweet Julianne.

He straightened his neck cloth one last time. He remembered what his aunt had told him.
No regrets. No guilt.

Think of her.
He would keep his remorse between his teeth and spend the rest of his days making her happy.

He inhaled. After sleeping fitfully last night, he’d decided to set the tone of their marriage based on the life they had already shared and would continue to share. He wouldn’t make solemn promises, because words were only words. Instead, he would spend each day of their lives together demonstrating through his actions that he was a better man because of her. But he felt certain she’d find it charming if he began with silly promises. He’d make her laugh and then he would kneel as he’d promised his aunt.

There was one issue that troubled him. He’d insisted on honesty between them, but he would enter into this engagement withholding a major fact about his past. She knew what his father had said about him, and she knew that he’d barely escaped pistols at dawn. But she’d not asked for specifics. She’d told him to let go of his past and forgive himself. And she’d said she would not press him to reveal more. The truth was she would never find out. Besides himself, only Westcott knew, and the man had been a key player in the cover-up. With good reason.

Hawk had kept silent all these years to protect those he’d injured. But today, keeping that ugly secret bothered him.

Last night, his aunt had told him never to reveal to Tristan that he’d compromised Julianne. She’d said he didn’t need to know. The question of the need to know decided him. Telling Julianne would accomplish nothing. He’d told her he couldn’t undo the damage, and it was true.

He blew out his breath, determined to put her needs first today and every day after. He swallowed hard, knowing he didn’t deserve her, but he swore he would never hurt her again.

With one last tug on his sleeves, he strode from his rooms, prepared to do something he’d never expected to do. As he walked out into the bright sunshine, the hollow place inside his chest filled.

His heart beat harder, and all he knew was that he no longer felt empty. But he also felt a bit anxious, too. After the terrible things he’d said and done last night, he worried she would be afraid. But he couldn’t let the doubts in. Not now. Starting today, he would demonstrate what she meant to him in a thousand little ways.

Julianne’s stomach clenched as Betty dressed her hair. Today, Hawk would propose to her. No one had voiced the actual reason for his intended call, but she knew he felt obligated to offer for her. And it was that sense of obligation that deeply troubled her.

How could a marriage based on necessity thrive? And was it really necessary? She knew enough to realize he’d withdrawn before spilling his seed. There was no possibility of conception, but there was also the incontrovertible fact that she’d given her virginity to Hawk.

And he’d not once mentioned love.

Last night, he’d been consumed by guilt, but she had
encouraged him to make love to her. In the bed where he’d lain with more mistresses than he could count.

All these years she’d dreamed of this day, but those dreams had involved a declaration of love. He’d bedded her last night, but he’d never said he loved her.

Foolishly, she’d thought he would never have made love to her if he didn’t love her. She loved him with all her heart, but she’d sworn never to marry a man who did not love her. Unrequited love was a miserable lot for a wife. She’d seen what it had done to her mother.

But would Hawk have made the declaration under such circumstances? He’d felt awful about taking her to bed in that love nest. He wouldn’t want to propose to her in that sordid place.

Last night, he’d promised her that everything would be different today. Hope leaped in her heart. He’d wanted to wait until today to declare his feelings.

But what would she do if he didn’t?

Betty finished and gave her the hand mirror. Julianne looked at her reflection. “Thank you, Betty. It’s perfect.”

A tap at the door startled her. Hester walked inside and smiled. “He is here.”

Julianne rose. “I’m so nervous.”

Hester enfolded her in her arms. “So is he.”

She looked up. “He is?”

Hester nodded. “He’s pacing about and very anxious to see you. Let’s not keep him. I’ll walk with you to the drawing room and close the door afterward.”

“Thank you.”

Her legs felt like jelly as she descended the stairs with Hester. With every step, she prayed this momentous day would end happily.

When they reached the open drawing room, she saw him stop and gaze at her. He’d worn a hunter green coat and for once his cravat was straight.

Hester leaned down and whispered, “Meet him halfway.”

She took a deep breath and stepped inside. The door closed behind her. She kept walking, and when he reached her, he took her hands.

“I have something for you,” he said.

She released his hands as he reached inside his coat and withdrew a jewelry box. Then he opened it. She caught her breath at the silver locket. She’d shown him the one her father had given her long ago before they’d left for the Beresford’s ball.

She looked into his shining eyes and knew he meant to replace the other one as a sign of his love. He clasped the chain around her neck. “We’ll see about miniature portraits later.”

She touched it. “Thank you,” she whispered.

He took her hands again. “I thought about making solemn promises, but it occurred to me that every day is a promise. It’s not the promise that matters, but the doing does.”

She nodded.

He grinned. “However, in honor of our many mischievous adventures, I will promise to steal your bonnets and your kisses.”

She laughed.

“I swear to ply you with wine and bargain for your favors. But I will never let you drive my curricle. And I promise to interrupt your reading frequently because I’ll want all your attention.”

She knew she would always remember his silly promises.

“My adorable, sweet Julie-girl, be my sunshine and the brightest star in the night.”

Her skin tingled at his romantic words. He kneeled before her. She held her breath, waiting for the three words that would complete her joy this day.

“Will you marry me?”

Her smile faded.

His lips parted. “Julianne?”

She knew then what she had to ask. “If last night had not happened, would you have proposed?”

His hesitation spoke louder than any words. She released his hands.

He stood and stared at her. “Julianne, it did happen, but I want us to go forward. I want to marry you.”

She clutched her shaking hands.

“I know I hurt you last night, but today can be our first step toward a life together,” he said. “I don’t blame you for being scared, but I swear I’ll make it up to you.”

“It’s not enough,” she said.

“I made you mine last night. I cannot walk away from that, and neither can you.”

“I won’t enter into a marriage based on one night’s folly.”

“You would consign me to hell? You would send me away, knowing for the rest of my life that I dishonored you?”

“I won’t consign myself to a marriage based solely on an honor-bound obligation. Because that would be a living hell for both of us.”

He shook his head. “You won’t even give me a chance to prove to you I can be a good husband.”

Her eyes filled with tears. She wanted to say yes so badly, but he didn’t love her. And if she married him, she would always know that he’d only married her out of obligation. “I’m sorry.”

“You would marry another man after giving me your virginity?”

She winced. “I cannot answer for the future. But I can answer for now. I won’t marry you just to assuage your guilty conscience.”

“I won’t accept defeat,” he said. “When we arrive at Gatewick Park, I will go to your brother and ask his permission. And we will announce the engagement.”

Tears streamed down her face. “Please don’t do this.”

He fisted his hands. “I asked for honesty between us, and you’re making me pay because I won’t pretend that last night never happened. If this is about your doubts, then tell me what I can do.”

She’d spent the first eight years of her life trying to win her father’s love. And the last four hoping Hawk would fall in love with her. She couldn’t spend a lifetime hoping that one day he would grow to love her.

“I won’t let you do this,” he said. “When I take you home, I will announce our engagement.”

When he strode out the door, she covered her mouth to stifle the sobs wracking her body.

He halted his curricle, barely remembering driving home. Every inch of his body was as cold as ice. He’d been honest with her about his reason for proposing, but if he’d lied through his teeth, she would have accepted.

He knew what it was. She was afraid he would betray her. She’d told him she didn’t want to end up like her
mother, but she wouldn’t trust him. She wouldn’t give him the benefit of the doubt.

There was no way in hell he’d let her do this to him. He’d suffered one bad mistake, one he could never redeem, but this one he could.

He walked past a hackney and strode up the stairs. She was probably paying him back for taking her to his damnable love nest. His aunt had advised him not to apologize, and he’d trusted that it was the right thing to do. But he would not let Julianne do this to him—or to her. She couldn’t marry another man, knowing she was dishonored.

Damn it all to hell. She would make this as difficult as possible. After he put a wedding ring on her finger, he’d make sure she stayed out of trouble.

When he reached his door, he pushed inside and slapped his hat onto the hall table. His manservant, Smith, met him. “My lord, there is a young man waiting in the parlor. He’s been here for over an hour.”

Bloody hell. It was probably Osgood wanting advice. “Get rid of him.”

“My lord, he came all the way from Eton in a mail coach and took a hackney here.”

“Eton?” His nephews were too young for school. “It’s some sort of hoax. Send him on his way.”

“Begging your pardon, my lord, but you might want to speak to him first.”

“Why?” he said irritably.

Smith hesitated.

Hawk frowned. “Out with it, man.”

Smith took a deep breath. “My lord, he’s the spitting image of you.”

Chill bumps erupted all over his body. It wasn’t possible. “What is his name?”

“Called himself Brandon, Lord Rothwell.”

Hawk grasped the table with one hand. God Almighty. His son had found him.

“My lord?” Smith said.

“That will be all, Smith.”

His heartbeat drummed in his ears as he walked toward the parlor. He paused at the open door. The boy sat on the sofa with a leather-bound book on his lap. He wore the Eton uniform—a blue coat and fawn breeches. When Hawk walked inside, Brandon jumped to his feet and looked at him. A shock of recognition gripped Hawk at the sight of his own golden brown eyes, high cheekbones, and full mouth. The devil. The boy even had the same unruly dark brown hair.

The room seemed to tilt for a moment. His son, the boy he’d never thought to see, stood before him. He inhaled, knowing he had to keep his wits for the boy’s sake. “Brandon?”

The boy arched his brows, and Hawk nearly staggered. How could it be possible that the lad had the same mannerisms when they’d never met?

“She said I looked like you.”

His heart hammered in his chest. “Your mother?”

“She died a year ago. Did you know?” His youthful voice held a challenge.

“I heard. I’m sorry for your loss.”

“No, you’re not.”

The boy was angry, justifiably so. God, he felt as if the floor had dropped beneath him. “How did you find me?”

He held up the book. “I found her journal.”

Goddamn Cynthia for leaving behind evidence. Goddamn Westcott for not searching and destroying it. “My manservant said you traveled in the mail coach from Eton.”

“Yes. I wanted to see you for myself.”

He decided to deal with practical matters first, before tackling the difficult issues. “You must be hungry and thirsty.”

“I can fend for myself.”

He couldn’t let him go. “You came a long way. I suspect you’ve got questions. I’ll answer them. But there’s no need to do it on an empty stomach.”

Brandon’s eyes flickered. “All right.”

Hawk rang the bell. When Smith appeared, Hawk instructed him to set out an impromptu meal in the small dining parlor.

“This way,” he said to the boy.

As he walked to the dining parlor, an unreal sensation enveloped him. But he had to stay calm for the boy’s sake.