Desire? Yes. And Tori hated herself for what she was feeling. The thoughts running through her mind were totally inappropriate. Sam had just been assaulted… raped. She was seeking comfort, protection. Nothing more. She moved, finally capturing Sam’s hand and stopping its slow movements against her skin. She sighed, trying to relax.
“Tori?”
“Hmm?”
“Thank you for staying with me again,” Sam whispered.
“It’s no problem.”
Sam closed her eyes, her grip tightening momentarily around Tori, then relaxing. Again, she thought how nice it felt to be sleeping with Tori, like this. She moved her head, resting it lightly against Tori’s breast. Under her cheek, she felt Tori’s nipple harden and she trembled. So close… oh, God… she could almost feel it, taste it in her mouth. She moaned.
I’m dying here
, Tori thought. She squeezed her legs together, wondering how long she could hold out before she did something really stupid. She tried to ignore her feelings, ignore the fact that Sam was nestled against her breast, ignore the quiet moan she’d heard. She wondered if Sam could hear her thundering heartbeat.
What would Tori’s reaction be if I just raised up and kissed her
, Sam thought.
Would she think I’d lost my mind? Or would she welcome it?
But she would never know. Tori’s hand came out and brushed against her hair lightly.
“Go to sleep,” she murmured.
Sam nodded. It was the only sensible thing to do.
Chapter Thirty-two
The ringing penetrated her brain, and Tori forced her eyes open. They had changed positions. Tori was now the one curled at Sam’s side, face pressed against her neck. Sam stirred, moving in Tori’s arms, rolling toward her. Their arms and legs were tangled and then the ringing stopped.
“Hello,” Sam murmured.
“Samantha, it’s Sikes. I’m sorry to call so early, but we can’t find Hunter. Malone thought she might be with you.”
“Sikes?” Sam opened her eyes. She was on top of Tori and their eyes met. Her own slid to Tori’s lips, only inches away. She became aware of their bare legs entwined, of the thigh that was pressed against her. She felt the phone fall from her fingers as her lower body moved instinctively against that thigh. Sam gasped as, for one brief second, she felt Tori move against her. She was powerless to stop the moan that escaped and she watched as Tori’s eyes slid shut, heard the quiet moan as Tori’s hands gripped her tighter. Then Tori reached between them, searching for the phone, and Sam rolled over, moving away from Tori, embarrassed beyond belief over what had just happened.
Tori held the phone to her chest, clearing her throat before speaking. “Sikes? It’s Hunter.”
“Listen, they found another body. North Dallas this time. The guy’s got balls. It’s at a goddamn mall.”
“Okay. I’ll be right there.”
“What is it?” Sam asked. “Another girl?”
“Yes.” Tori hesitated. “Listen, I’m sorry… about… well, earlier when…
shit
,” she murmured, turning away.
Sam grabbed her arm. “Stop it. It was… me and we both know it. I don’t know… what came over me.”
Tori swallowed with difficulty and sat up. “I should get going.”
Sam did the same. “I’m coming with you.”
“No, you’re not.” Tori reached for Sam and pulled her back down, wrapping the comforter around her again. “It’s four. You stay under the covers, okay? I’ll come back as soon as we’re done.”
“No. It’s okay, Tori. You don’t have to. I’ve got that appointment at ten anyway. I’ll be okay here.”
“Are you sure?”
“Yes. But please be careful,” she said quietly.
“I will. I promise. Will you call after your appointment? If I’m not at the station, call my cell. I should have my new phone this morning.” Tori grabbed her shorts off of the floor and stood staring at Sam. “Are you sure you’ll be okay?”
“I’m sure. I need to be able do this.”
“Okay. I’ll lock the door when I leave.”
Sam lay awake long after Tori had left. She finally grabbed the pillow Tori had used and pulled it to her, trying to make sense out of what she was feeling, but there was really only one answer. She was attracted to Tori on several levels, but the sexual attraction she felt was threatening to overtake her, control her. Last night, as Tori held her, she’d felt desire she’d never experienced before. And earlier, as Tori’s thigh was pressed against her center, as her hips instinctively moved against that thigh, she knew with clarity what a burning desire felt like. She tried to remember the first time she and Robert had made love. Had she wanted him that much? Had she ever really wanted him? Or was it just what was expected?
“Oh God,” she whispered. She was too old to be discovering these feelings. Amy was right. Why hadn’t she ever met a woman before that she was attracted to? She wanted to say that it was because she never considered that she might be gay and the female friendships in her life were just that: friendships. But there was Lori, in college. They had been nearly inseparable. Was it only friendship that she felt? She remembered not being at all shocked when Lori told her she had met someone, a woman. They had remained friends for a while, then had just drifted apart. And then when she was in the Academy, several of the female recruits were lesbians, but none really attracted her. Did they? Jesus, not like this. Not the way Tori did.
She finally drifted off, Tori’s pillow still clutched to her chest… unanswered questions still running through her mind.
“Oh my God,” Tori whispered.
“You know her?” Rita asked.
“Julie Barnes. She’s a resident at Belle’s. Just like the others.”
“Why do you think he only cut the legs off of one?” Rita asked. “The only thing consistent in this case is the way they’re laid out in Dumpsters. Makes no sense.”
“You bagged her hands? She fought back?”
“Yes. We’ll get a skin sample, I’m sure of it. Hands and feet were bound. The bruising around the neck is consistent.”
Tori rubbed her face with both hands and sighed. “Okay, tell Jackson I’ll be calling.”
She walked around the Dumpster to where Sikes was talking to the manager of the cleaning crew. “Anything?”
“She was put here sometime after three. They dumped the first load then. When they came back, they found her.” He looked at his notes. “Three thirty-five.”
“So, lucky break for him or he knew the routine. And why here where it’s so public?”
“He’s getting bold,” Sikes said. “They didn’t find any shoe prints this time, by the way.”
“You know what I think? I want to find that guy you and Ramirez followed the other night from the bar.”
“How do you propose we find him? With Sam out, are you going to go in and play the field, Hunter? You might get sidetracked with all those women in there.”
Tori smiled. “Actually, it’s a mixed bar. I’m thinking you and Ramirez get to be the couple this time.”
“Oh, now you’re just out of your fucking mind!”
Chapter Thirty-three
“You’re looking much better, Detective,” Dr. MacIntyre said.
“It’s amazing what a few days will do,” Sam replied.
“I understand from looking at your file that before Homicide, you worked in Assault. I’m sure you saw your share of this type of abuse.”
“I did. But I don’t consider myself abused, Doctor. I wasn’t picked off the street at random. I wasn’t date-raped. No one broke into my home. I was doing my job, and that job comes with risks.”
“This wasn’t simply doing your job, Samantha. You were raped.”
“Is that any different than if I’d been shot? I wasn’t raped because someone wanted sexual favors. I was raped because they wanted information. If I were a man, I would have been beaten or tortured until I talked. But because I’m a woman, what better way than to rape?”
“I must admit, you’re being very calm about this. Reasonable in your deduction, even. But before you can go back to work, my job is to make sure you are handling this emotionally, Detective. Can you go back on the street and not be afraid that someone is going to attack you again? Will you be overly aggressive now that this has happened?”
Sam leaned forward. “Would you be asking me these questions if I were a man? Or if I had been shot? Would you be concerned that I couldn’t go back on the street because someone might shoot me?”
“Have you accepted what’s happened to you or have you just pushed it away, pretending that it was just part of the job? Detective, being physically and sexually violated is so very different than being shot.”
“When I was tied to that bed, I was scared. I was afraid that I wouldn’t be able to hold out and that I would tell them what they wanted to know. Then they would kill me. So I lay there and took it, knowing that if I could just hold out a little longer, someone would come for me. And they did.” Sam met Dr. MacIntyre’s eyes across the desk. “I know I was raped, Doctor. And when I left the hospital that night, I was afraid to be alone. And the next day, I had a friend stay with me because I was afraid to be alone. Then I realized I wasn’t afraid to be alone because someone might come and hurt me again. I was afraid to be alone because I didn’t want to think about it.”
“And… have you thought about it?”
“I’ve thought about it so much, I can remember every detail. I think I should be angry, and I suppose I am. But they’re not going to hurt me anymore, are they?”
“No, they’re not. Does that make you angry that they’re gone and you can’t confront them?”
“No. I survived this. They didn’t.”
Chapter Thirty-four
Tori stood at the door a long time before knocking. She was nervous and didn’t know why. Well, she knew why, didn’t she? All day long, she couldn’t put her finger on it, but suddenly, it hit her. The innocent touches, Sam wanting to spend time with her, Sam’s wide eyes at the gay bars. Then the night they had posed as a couple, the dances they shared, the way Sam looked at her. And the last few nights, sleeping together. The way Sam wrapped around her. And God, this morning. She closed her eyes and leaned her head back against the wall. Sam was feeling the same desire that she was. Sam, who was straight. Then she sighed. Sam, who thought she was straight. Tori wondered what was going through the other woman’s mind. Was she frightened by what she was feeling? Was she trying to fight it, too?
They were partners, for God’s sake! This couldn’t happen. If Tori let it happen, she would lose the only partner she’d ever felt comfortable with. The only partner she’d ever become friends with. Hell, Sam was the only friend, period. And if she let this happen, Sam would run. She would transfer out, and Tori would be alone again.
No, she couldn’t let it happen.
Tori finally pushed off the wall and knocked, then waited.
“Is that you?”
Tori couldn’t help but grin. “You, who?”
Sam opened the door, matching Tori’s smile. “Hi.”
Tori held up a bag. “Chinese?”
“I’m starved. Thanks,” Sam said, pulling Tori inside.
Tori watched Sam walk away. She stood at the door, wondering how she was going to get through the night sleeping with Sam again.
Sam stopped and looked back. “What’s wrong?”
Tori shook her head. “Nothing.”
“Are you sure?”
Tori nodded and smiled, finally following Sam into the kitchen.
Sam took down two plates and dished out the food on both. “There’s wine in the fridge,” she said.
Tori brought the bottle and two glasses and they settled at the table, both eating immediately.
“You haven’t eaten today, I take it,” Sam finally said.
Tori shook her head. “You?”
“No.”
“So, are you sure you’re ready to come back, Sam? I mean, it’s only been three days.”
“I’m sure. I’ll go crazy if I’m stuck here much longer.” She stabbed a shrimp off of Tori’s plate and grinned at Tori’s raised eyebrows. “Besides, do you really think you can get Sikes into a gay bar?”
“No.”
“How did Belle take the news?”
“Not well. I think she’s ready to close up the hostel. A lot of the girls are actually starting to move out. But I didn’t go over. I only talked to her on the phone. In the morning, we should get the lab reports back. We can go over there, then.”
Sam nodded. “Does Malone know I’m coming back?”
“Yes. He wasn’t happy. He thinks it’s too soon. In fact, I think he called your Dr. MacIntyre.”
“He thinks I’m not ready?”
“He doesn’t want you to rush things,” Tori said.
“What do you think?”
“I don’t want you to rush things, either, Sam. But you know better than anyone how you feel. If you’re ready, then you’re ready.”
“Thank you.”
“For what?”
“Thank you for not insisting that I stay away, and thank you for letting me decide on my own. If I stay here another day or two, what good would that do? I would just have more time to think about it. And I don’t want to sit and relive it over and over again. For me, what I need is to get back out there and put some normalcy back in my life.”
Tori nodded. “I understand. And maybe I’m being selfish,” she said. “Maybe I want you to come back because I missed you being around.”
“And maybe you’re ready for me to come back because you’re tired of babysitting me at night.”
“I would hardly call it babysitting.” Her eyes turned serious as she met Sam’s. “Actually, I can’t remember when I’ve slept so well. I think maybe I’ve needed this, too.”
Sam reached across the table and captured Tori’s hand. Their fingers entwined immediately. “Can I tell you something?”
Tori nodded, her eyes lingering on their clasped hands.
“I’ve never felt safer… or more protected than I have the last couple of nights with you lying next to me. I slept as if there wasn’t a care in the world, just because you were holding me.”
Their eyes were locked across the table, as were their hands. Tori wondered what Sam saw in her eyes. Could she see the desire that Tori was trying to hide? Did she have any idea that Tori was being completely selfish by volunteering to stay with her?
“I’ll stay as long as you need me to, Sam,” Tori said quietly.
Sam smiled. “You may regret that offer.”
The phone interrupted Tori’s response and Sam went into the living room to get it.