Hurting To Feel (Carpool Dolls) (31 page)

Addison
leaned her head back onto Nathan who stood at the end of the couch, holding her
hand. She hung on Professor's every word. The scene he recreated similar to
hers, except she'd never met anyone like him or Nathan. It was all about keg
parties and juvenile behavior.

Professor
chuckled and his eyes softened. "Carly was full of attitude, much like you
are today. The others worried about her being with us at the house. She kept
herself at arm's length, and shot down anyone's offer to explore her…sexual
side. Quite simply, her refusal to loosen up along with her attempt at pushing
me away fascinated me. I gave her time, and told myself if she came back to the
house, I'd approach her. And, she did come back. Not once, but three times. She
never hooked up with anyone, but would stand there, sipping her drink, and
pretending she wanted to be somewhere else. But, I watched her. I could see
through her defenses."

"That's
enough," Addison muttered.

Professor
ignored her wishes, and continued, "Your mother was the first woman I
dated. Before her, I only saw women for sex. It took me two months to get her
into my bed and when I did, I unleashed a woman who wanted to submit. Needed to
submit even more than I wanted to dominate her."

She
turned on the couch and faced Nathan. "I want to go home."

"Soon,
doll. Listen," Nathan said.

"From
that point on, it was only her and I. I stopped hanging out with the others. I
had no desire, because your mother was everything to me. She more than filled
my need for contentment, and I believed she returned the feelings."
Professor tightened his lips over his teeth and paused. "We were together
three years. She was my life, and I was hers."

She
shook her head. If that were true, they would've stayed together. She saw no
purpose of hearing more.

"Considering
I already guessed about my mother's past and what you had with her was before
my time. There's really nothing more for you to tell me." She stood.
"I appreciate you trying to explain my mother to me, but if you really
knew her the way I did, you'd know that her behavior in no way excused her
treatment of me. I'd prefer to bury my childhood with her."

"We
were together for three years," Professor repeated.

She
glanced over her shoulder at him. "Yes, you've said that."

Nathan
hardened and he held her shoulders, keeping her from walking away. "Addy,
listen."

She
shook her head wildly. What couldn't they understand? She had no desire to hear
anymore.

Nathan
framed her face with his hands. "Three years, baby. You're twenty seven,
and Professor met your mother—"

"No."
She slapped at Nathan's arms. "I want to go home."

"Carly
couldn't handle our relationship and carry our baby too. She left, and I gave
her time to figure out how we'd go about forming a lifetime together. You have
to understand, twenty-seven years ago, who we are and what drove us together,
was never talked about…ever. There were no books or internet forums for someone
to work through and learn about what drives their psychological need to submit
or dominate," Professor said.

The
room compacted on her. She clung to Nathan, shaking him by the shirt.
"Make him stop," she begged.

"I
should never have given her time alone to figure out what she wanted to do.
That remains my biggest mistake and my nightmare." Professor's voice
dimmed. "If I would've demanded that she stay with me, she would've. She
had no control over disobeying me."

She
whirled. "You beat her. Don't tell me she was anything more to you than a
fuck."

"Addison,"
Nathan said sharply.

"No."
she pushed away from them.

She
wanted nothing to do with either one of them. They were both the same. Self-indulgent
over their own needs, they never thought of what she went through. What her
mother went through.

She
gasped, searching both their faces.
Her mother.

Bile
burned her throat. She covered her mouth. Her legs collapsed, and Nathan caught
her before she hit the floor.
Oh, God.

She
stared up into Professor Frank's face until the lines around his eyes and
forehead blurred. He refused to look away. She was looking at the truth.

From
the square shoulders, the firm chin, and the green eyes. Eyes the same color as
hers that she thought came from her mother.

"No,"
she sobbed. "No, no, no."

Nathan
swept her into his arms. She buried her face in his neck, wanting to escape the
room. She'd ignore what she heard and forget about ever coming to visit. Curt
Stewart was her father. That's what her mother drilled into her. Not this man,
who—who…

"Your
mother contacted me right before you were born. She was big with child…with
you. She came to tell me she reported me to the police for my transgressions
while teaching. She informed them of the names of everyone who met on campus."
Professor paused. "Then she told me she could get the charges dropped if I
agree to never see my baby or her."

Her
face hot from her own breath, Addison squeezed her eyes closed. Not only was
she not wanted, but he'd chosen his career over her.

"I
know what you're thinking, and it's untrue. I told Carly to go ahead and report
me to the authorities. Having a child with the woman I loved meant more to me
than teaching, and I'd gladly walk away from everything I loved. She wasn't
expecting my answer," Professor said.

Addison
stilled and held her breath. He wanted her?

"Carly
stormed away from me, and followed through with her threat. The police
contacted me, and later dropped the case, because everyone involved were over
the age of eighteen years old. The school, on the other hand, had a big problem
with me associating privately with students. I broke away from everyone,
because the last thing I needed was a child coming into the world and not being
able to see him or her because I was barred from teaching. No court system
around would allow someone like me, however misinformed, to have joint custody
of a child if details about my private life and allegations got out. Plus, I
needed to have a way to support you. You were my main concern, even if I
couldn't have Carly in my life."

She
squeezed her eyes closed. He was lying. He didn't want her. He wasn't there.

A
hand landed on her back. "But, the trust between your mother and I was
broken when she kept me from you. She led me to believe she'd give you away or
run to keep me away from you. So, I did the only thing I knew. I stayed away,
so you could have a home, a mother. Instead, I sent her money to help raise
you, and prayed you'd someday forgive me."

A
heavy sigh escaped him. "My heart breaks right now, because from your
reaction, I'm guessing your childhood wasn't as wonderful as I had hoped. That
Carly never came to accept who she was when she was with me."

Several
minutes passed. Addison braved removing her face from Nathan's neck and looked
up into his eyes. The hurt reflected back at her confused her even more. She
wanted to look away, but she wanted escape more. She needed time to think.

"Please,
take me home," she whispered.

Nathan
nodded. "I promised you that I would, doll."

She
hid again, ignoring the cry inside her soul escaping when Professor's hand left
her back. His touch.  So different than Nathan's, numbed her to feeling.

Nothing
was real. Words meant nothing. Her mother's secrets could no longer touch her.
She was finally free.

Or,
she would be. Right now, she couldn't feel anything.

Chapter
Thirty Five

Addison
opened her eyes when Nathan called her name from another part of the house. She
dared not move a muscle. Two days of constant attention from Nathan had worn
her out.

She
couldn't take any more.

Every
cell in her body pulsed.

Every
muscle ached.

Even
breathing reminded her of what had transpired between them. Most of all, the previously
empty spot inside of her was too preoccupied by the awareness of being fully
loved, allowing her to lay in pure contentment for the first time in days,
weeks, hell…years.

After
arriving home from Professor Frank's house a few days ago, she'd panicked. She
tried to run, and Nathan brought her home. She tried to fight, and he fought
back even tougher. When nothing else worked to escape all the new fears putting
doubts in her head, she talked. She talked until her voice grew hoarse and it
became painful to swallow.

Somewhere
along the way, she'd stopped thinking. She took everything Nathan gave her and basked
in the gift of having him supporting her. She accepted that Curt Stewart was
only a pawn in her mother's cruel game. A decoy to keep her from searching for
answers.

Whether
her mother plotted how to devastate an innocent man's life for her own good or
she lived with insurmountable guilt that she was desperate to hide so she could
feel normal, Addison would never know. She didn't need to know.

She'd
let her mother go, because her mother could no longer wound her and she refused
to follow her example by hurting those she cared about. It would be easier to
push Nathan away and run from the conflicting thoughts in her head. But, she
fought her way through life being tough and stubborn, and didn't plan to stop
now.

"Addy,"
Nathan called.

She
lifted her head off the mattress, groaned in discomfort, and quickly laid back
down. There was no freaking way she'd be moving around anytime soon.

Nathan's
feet walked across the bedroom floor. Even having him in the same room wasn't
enough incentive to get her to lift her gaze any higher than the floor.

"Hey…"
He leaned down and brushed her hair off her face. "Didn't you hear the
doorbell?"

"No,"
she mumbled.

He
chuckled and sat down on the bed beside her. His hand rubbed her bare bottom,
and she sighed in pleasure.

"Nice,"
she whispered, letting her body relax under the pleasure.

Nathan's
caress stopped and a sharp slap came down on her ass. She yelped and jumped.
Her muscles screamed in protest.

She
kneeled on the mattress and glared. "Shit. Why did you do that?"

His
jaw twitched. "Time to get dressed. Your father is here?"

"I
don't—" She clamped her mouth shut.

Her
father? God, would she ever get used to thinking of Professor Frank as her dad?

She
hadn't talked to him since Nathan carried her out of his house after learning
the truth. In fact, she refused to talk with Professor Frank when he called Nathan's
cell to check up on her. Then Nathan punished her for not obeying his request
to discuss how she was feeling about the new turn of events over finding her
real father.

Nathan
slid his hands under her armpits, in one move picked her up, and set her on her
feet. She cringed. Knowing Professor was as stubborn, strong, and domineering
as Nathan, she knew she couldn't refuse to go downstairs. With her luck, her
father—God, would she ever get used to saying that?—would walk right into the
bedroom.

"Go
take a warm shower, and then come downstairs." He kissed her gently.
"I'll give you a massage when Professor Frank leaves."

She
wrinkled her nose, despite how wonderful having his hands on her again sounded.
"Whatever," she muttered.

Nathan
growled. "Watch your mouth."

She
gingerly walked toward the bathroom, taking each step carefully and slowly. Her
life had changed, but she was still full of misgivings.

The
lifestyle she and Nathan were living still confused her and she second-guessed
herself constantly, but she was willing to learn. If she was honest with
herself, she wanted to get to know the man downstairs who claimed he always
wanted her. Who gave up everything to make sure she lived a happy life.

So,
living happily is what she planned to do.

#
# #

Nathan
walked into the living room alone. He sat down in the chair beside the opened
window. Deep down, he knew he'd done the right thing letting Professor inside
the house to see Addison.

"Son…"
Professor Frank turned from the window. "Is Addison okay?"

He
nodded. "She will be."

"Good."
Professor exhaled heavily and returned to looking out the window. "What
about us?"

Addison
wasn't the only one who struggled with the truth. He'd gone through hating
Professor for hurting Addy more once the whole story came out. There were times
over the last several days, jealousy reared inside of him. He'd always had two
people in his life. Donny and Professor Frank were his family. Donny had chosen
to put his own needs first years ago. Nathan's role of being the oldest
separated them once they hit adulthood.

"Nathan?"
Professor said.

He
looked up and nodded. "Addison comes first in my life now."