I am Wolf (The Wolfboy Chronicles) (14 page)

The walk was steep and the snow heavy. After a few
hours I had to take a break. It was my plan to walk as far as I could until
sunset, then try and run to the top as the wolf later on. The wolf would of
course also need to hunt and eat. I found a spot behind some rocks where I
could shelter from the icy wind and I sat for a little while, catching my
breath. As I closed my eyes I saw Catalina. I kept hearing her scream in my
thoughts and I felt her anguish even stronger now. The thought of her in pain
and distress made me determined and I was soon on my legs again walking through
the heavy snow. I fought my way towards the top covering my face with my hands
while walking in the strong wind. When it was almost time for sunset I found a
small cave on the mountainside and hid there. I undressed myself and freezing
to the bone I stared at the sun while it set in the horizon. It was almost
covered in heavy grey clouds, but just before it went down I could spot its
orange light between the clouds. Then it was gone. I was shivering, my body
trembling as I waited for the change and studied my hands as the hairs grew
out, then the claws, the snout, the fangs and the ears and soon I felt warm and
comfortable on my four athletic legs. I sniffed in the air and found Catalina’s
scent again, then grabbed my things in my mouth and sprang for the top. It was
so much easier to run through the snow as the wolf. I hardly felt the wind
anymore and the wet snowflakes landed in my fur, but never made me cold. Plus I
could run so much faster and longer on my wolf-legs than as a human.

When I reached the top it was snowing so forcefully I
could hardly see ahead of me. My blue eyes shone in the darkness and lightened
up the way in the snow, but the visibility was terrible. I struggled to walk
even a few feet and that was when the wolf began to growl. It was hungry and
the instincts were beginning to take over. I felt an urgency, almost
desperateness in me and I sensed it was about to take over, take control of me
if I didn’t feed the beast. I howled in the night and walked growling and
snarling while I sensed how I was losing control over myself. I could no longer
deny the wolf its nature. It needed to hunt, it needed to feast, but there was
absolutely nothing up there to chase. I stuck my snout in the snow and sniffed
to see if I could find mice or rabbits or maybe a goat, but found nothing.
There wasn’t even a tree nearby to climb and get a better view. I stared into
the vast emptiness of the night from the mountaintop and saw nothing but
darkness surrounding me. There was wind, snow and rocks but no food, not an
animal in sight. Then I howled. The sound was reflected on the mountain walls
nearby and came back to me like a slap in my face, reminding me of the complete
solitude of this place.

I was alone and I was hungry.

All night I searched for something to eat as I slowly started
descending on the other side of the mountainside, but I found nothing. I felt
adrenalin in my body, a desperate form of instinct that drove me to run faster,
searching, scanning the area for anything living I could devour. But still
nothing. As the sun rose over the next mountaintop in the distance I felt how
the wolf in me scream and demand food, but I had nothing to give it.

I woke up on the ground, naked, freezing almost
halfway down the mountainside. I found my clothes next to me and got dressed. I
felt dizzy as I stood on my legs, starved and exhausted. I had blacked out in
the last couple of hours and realized that I had lost control over the wolf. It
had stopped snowing and there were no sounds in the valley ahead of me. I was
hoping to cross it during the daytime and then climb the mountain at night. The
wolf did better with the steep mountainsides than I did as human.

But without food it was no good. I was no good. I
would end up losing control again, I thought while I the wolf inside of me
growled demandingly. Soon I became obsessed with finding food, my brain could
only think of that and nothing else. I tried to shake it, since there was
nothing I could give it, but had no luck. I tried to think about Catalina and
let her be my source of power and that helped.
 
The wolf went quiet for a few hours
while I walked.

Still I couldn’t help escape the feeling that someone
or something was following me, watching me from afar.

I
almost crossed the
entire valley
that day and luckily the snow took a break so I walked under clear skies and
for once I saw the sun peek out. It felt good and uplifting, but didn’t last
long. After a few hours more clouds appeared, but this time it didn’t snow. It
made my journey easier and even if I was weary from the growing hunger I was
filled with some sort of hope.

Yet it didn’t last long. As soon as the sun set and
the wolf came out I still couldn’t find anything to eat. I searched the entire
valley using my senses and instincts. I found rabbit-holes and tried to dig
them out, but had no luck. I scanned the area desperately for anything moving
but no deer, no goats, no wild boars, nothing. I grew anxious, panicked at the
prospect of having to go through another night and day without food. I was
afraid of what it would do to me, what it would mean to the wolf. Would I be
able to control it? Or would the basic survival instincts of the animal simply
take over the both of us?

I never finished the thought before I blacked out.

I woke up far away from where I last remembered. It
was in a valley, but not the same valley I had been in the day before. I looked
up at the mountain behind me. Had I crossed it? Quickly, I scanned the area
surrounding me fearing I would find a human body, but to my relief there was
none in sight. I searched for my clothes and my sack but they were nowhere near
me. I got up feeling dizzy and weak and started walking back following my own
paw-prints in the snow. I had to walk for at least half an hour in the wrong
direction before I found my things. They were scattered all over the place. I
picked it all up and got dressed. Then I looked around me, trying to figure out
what had made me stop here? What had made me let go of my things? Had I found
an animal? Had I eaten after all? It certainly didn’t feel like I had eaten. I
felt so weak and so hungry. That couldn’t be it. But why had I thrown
everything here? I turned and stared into the snow. Something caught my eye.
Something in the snow. I approached it. It looked like paw prints, but they
weren’t mine. They were much bigger. They seemed to have been walking then they
turned around and went in the other direction. I followed the new prints. Soon
they became further apart. Was the animal all of a sudden running? There were
prints next to it. They were smaller and not as deep. Were they mine? They
looked like they were.

I shook my head wondering what had taken place, then
decided I didn’t have the time to waste any longer. I needed to walk south to
find Catalina. I raised my head and stared into the sky. I found the sun then
found my direction from its position. I was so grateful that my father had
taught me and my brothers navigation as children when we went hunting in the
forests. That way we could always find home, he stated.

I thought about my family and the castle while I
walked back through the valley. I wondered if they were worried about me, if
they knew why I had left and if they understood. I hoped they did, I sincerely
hoped it. I also hoped I would get to see them again, but realized with sadness
that it might never come to pass.

My walk was slow that day. I was so weak, so famished.
Being the wolf at night took all of my strength. I felt constantly dizzy and
sometimes I had to stop to catch my breath. At times it even felt like I was
sleepwalking, like it was all just part of some dream. I zigzagged, then tried
to get back on track, then almost passed out.

All day I fought my way through the snowy valley with
my last strength and when sunset finally came I sat down and awaited the
change. I needed it more than ever, I thought. As a wolf I had more strength -
even starved.

The wolf growled and howled, then sprang off. Not long
after I spotted a light coming from a small bundle of houses in the distance.
The wolf howled again then took off towards the village.

I watched it all happen in glimpses. I wasn’t fully
awake or conscious all through it. It was like I was sleeping, or blacking out
in between events. Like when you open your eyes and see one thing, then close
them and when you open them again a lot of different things are happening. I
definitely wasn’t being me, I had lost control, but I was somehow still aware
and watched fractions of the events. It was a horrible feeling.

I remember running towards the light coming from a
house in the small village of about ten small houses on a mountainside. I
remember hearing my breath, my panting, I remember hearing the wolf growl and
groan and watching the paws land in the snow. I remember the unbearable feeling
of hunger turning into an almost maddening desperation. All I could think about
was to eat, it was all instincts, but I didn’t black out completely.

I was able to watch as the animal searched around the
house in the snow. It sniffed the ground surrounding it and the entrance to the
house. I remember vividly the smell of food coming from inside of the house.
Then after not finding anything to satisfy its hunger the wolf jumped the
wooden door to the house and broke it down by its heavy weight.

It’s still very unclear to me but I do recall hearing
screaming, humans screaming violently in fear. I remember growling, snapping my
teeth at them while they hid the children and tried to cover themselves from
the coming attack. Their faces were torn in restraint and fear. I remember
thinking that I needed to stop, that I needed to get away but just like in a
dream I couldn’t. I couldn’t make the wolf turn and run away, I couldn’t no
matter how hard I tried, how much the human inside of the wolf screamed and
yelled.

I was powerless.

All the wolf thought about was the meat, satisfying
its need for food, to stop that endless hunger. It was its nature, it was pure
instinct.

Next thing I witnessed was the wolf leaping towards a
human, then it all went black for a few minutes. When I became conscious again
I was staring directly into the face of the man. He was screaming, yelling,
trying to fight the wolf off, but I was too big, too heavy. He was bleeding
from his face where I had scratched him while jumping his body. I remember the
intoxicating smell of blood, human blood. It was maddening, almost drove me
insane. I wanted this flesh, I wanted to bite this man, to eat his meat. I
wanted it so badly. Worst of all I wanted to drink his blood, the wolf craved
it, demanded it. The desire was too strong to resist. I watched the blood as it
ran slowly down his cheek. I could almost taste it, feel it on my tongue. As
hard as I tried I couldn’t fight the yearning, it was too powerful. I leaned
over ready to sink my teeth into the screaming man and could almost taste the
meat. I remember how wonderful it felt when my fangs touched the human skin. I
pressed them against the skin ready to pierce it when suddenly something jumped
me and I was thrown to the ground in a painful fall. Whatever it was, it was
big, bigger than me. I hurt my leg as I fell. There was more screaming and
turmoil behind me. I got back up on my legs, then turned and looked directly
into the white eyes of another wolf. Bigger than me, much bigger. It stood in
front of me, growling, showing all its teeth while protecting the humans. It
was grey, but not brownish-grey like me, more white and grey. Its white eyes
stared at me feistily. There was no doubt. This wolf was stronger and much more
powerful than me. Not just because it was bigger. No it was all in its eyes.
 

I backed up immediately, knowing I was defeated. The
human in me was relieved, but my wolf was angry. It growled and snarled at the
big almost white wolf, then turned and began to run.

I
jumped out the
stairs and fell
into the snow, then got back on my legs and started running. Soon I heard the
white wolf behind me. I sped up, but it was no use. He was bigger and stronger
and could run much faster than me. Fear grabbed me as he came closer and I
tried hard to escape him, but I was too weak.

I heard his teeth close to my body, they snapped at
me, and then I felt a pain as he bit my neck and forced me to the ground. My
wolf whined and I was struck by fear for my life. Was this it? Would it kill
me? I asked myself as I accepted defeat and lay still in the snow, growling
while the big wolf was on my back holding me down.

To my surprise it didn’t kill me. Instead we lay on
the ground outside the village for hours. The white wolf held me down and
forced me to lie still until the sun came over the mountains and my change
began.

My heart was beating even faster now that I turned
back into my weaker human form. I had no idea what this wolf wanted from me or
if it only waited till I was weak enough to kill me and then eat me. How had it
even known I was in that house?