I Do (10 page)

“Want to go out to celebrate?” she asks.

I look at the clock. “It's kind of late.”

“Bryce and some of the kids from the fellowship group were meeting at Starbucks for a late night coffee.”

“You go ahead and go if you want,” I tell her. “I'm still feeling kind of crummy from this cold.”

“You sure?”

“Yeah.”

“Want me to bring you back something?”

“Nah. I'm okay.” And so she leaves, but I am not okay. I'm pacing around this room like a caged animal that wants to tear into someone. And I nearly jump out of my skin when the phone rings. I grab it expecting it to be Josh but then remember he has high school fellowship group on Saturdays. To my huge relief, it's my best friend.

“Beanie!” I practically shriek into the receiver. “I can't believe it's you. Did you get all my messages?”

“Yeah, I'm so sorry I couldn't call sooner. Oh, Caitlin, this has been quite a week.”

I can tell by her voice that something big has happened. For all I know she's met Mr. Wonderful and is getting married next month. “What?” I demand. “What's going on?”

“Don't you want to tell me your news first?” she says. “It sounded urgent.”

“No, no, that's okay. It's not really news. I just wanted to talk. Now quit keeping me in suspense, Beanie. What's up?”

So then she launches into this story of how she's been trying to get into one of the big New York design schools and how suddenly not only one, but two of the best schools are interested in her. “My mom is paying for me to fly out after finals to interview with them. And there could be a scholarship involved. Oh, it's so amazing. I feel like Cinderella.”

I am so happy for her that I temporarily forget about my troubles. “Oh, Beanie, if anyone deserves this kind of
break, it's you. I've been praying for something like this.”

“I'm so excited. I have my last final on Wednesday, and I fly out the next morning. Oh, I wish you could come.”

“Me too.” And I do; I really do. I would love to escape the torturing memories trying to ruin my life right now. Even if it was only briefly.

“I've got so much to do by then,” she continues. “Besides finals, I have to polish up my portfolio, and then I need to put some fantastic-looking outfits together. I really need to wow these people. I mean, this is like the big times. Oh, I hope I don't end up looking like yesterday's news.”

“You won't,” I assure her. “You always end up looking like the hottest trendsetter around.”

“But this is New York. Manhattan even.”

“Just remember to breathe, Beanie.”

“Yeah, good advice.” And I hear her taking in a deep breath.

“And then remember that the God of the universe is your Daddy.”

“Even better. So what's up with you? I barely got to talk to you at the engagement party. Man, what a spread that Chloe put together. She rocks.”

“Chloe's amazing. You know that they're leaving tomorrow.”

“Speaking of Chloe, do you know that designing for them is one of the things that really drew the attention of these schools? They both mentioned how that was
quite an accomplishment for someone my age.”

“I'm proud of you, Beanie.”

“So really, Caitlin, tell me what's going on with you. What was so urgent that you left me three voice messages?”

I calmly tell her what's bugging me. I can't believe how even I keep my voice. I think I almost convince myself that it's really no big deal. “It's kind of silly, isn't it?” I finally say. “But for some reason it just really-”

“No, I don't think it's silly. To be honest, I wondered when you'd have to deal with this.”

I couldn't respond to that.

“I mean, here you are rooming with Jenny, and I totally love her, you know that. But after you've made such a big deal of waiting, and now you're going to get married, but you know that Josh and Jenny have been together like that. Well, I know you, Caitlin, and that's a lot for a girl like you to handle.”

“But I thought I'd forgiven both of them.”

“I'm sure you did forgive them. But it's different now that you and Josh are going to get married. I heard a certain friend of mine explain that when we get married, we take every person we've ever slept with into the marriage bed with us.”

“Eeeuuw.”

“I don't mean literally. But it's like they're in our heads, and consequently they wind up in our beds.”

Suddenly I remember something. “Hey, I'm the one who said that.”

“Yeah, you were talking to Chloe, Allie, and Laura.”

“And I wasn't thinking about the fact that my someday husband might drag an old girlfriend into our bed.” This thought makes me feel sick.

“It works both ways.”

“I wonder how we get rid of them.”

“I don't know. I know you were trying to get the girls to understand why abstinence is important. But I remember feeling worried that if I ever met that perfect guy and got married, well, I'd probably still have the old thing with Zach to deal with.”

“But God forgave you. You moved on. Shouldn't that be the end of it?”

“Shouldn't it?” she echoes. “But that's not the case with you, is it? And crud, you didn't even sleep with anyone. It's like you're just an innocent bystander. That must feel like a stinking load of crud.”

This almost makes me laugh. “You said it.”

“Knowing you, I'm sure God will show you a way out, and then you can share this happy news with the rest of us.”

“What if there is
no
way out? What if I have to just accept what's happened and move on?”

“Then you do it and move on.”

“But what if I can't?”

Now there's a long pause, and I'm afraid I've stumped her. “I guess it's better that you ask this question now than on your wedding night.”

Gulp. “Yeah, I guess so.”

“Hey, I'm sorry I'm not more help.”

“No, you were.”

“And I feel kind of bad being so up in the clouds while you're feeling so bad right now.”

“Isn't that the way it goes? One of us is up; the other is down. It's like we take turns.”

“Sometimes we're both up,” she says, taking the positive route.

“Thank God, we're hardly ever down at the same time.”

“That would be bad.”

“If I don't talk to you before New York, knock 'em dead, okay?”

“I'll do my best, Caitlin.”

“I'm praying for you.”

“Back at you.”

And then we hang up, and I don't think I'm any further along than I was before. But at least I don't feel like screaming now. I consider what Beanie said about God showing me the way out of this mess. And so, once again, I ask Him for help. And then just as simple as can be, I remember the Bible verse about going to a brother or sister if you have a problem and just telling them. Well, I guess I should've known that. But for some reason I resist. Maybe I just hope it will all go away on its own, like a bad rash or a fever.

In Philippians 4:7 we're promised that God's peace (which our minds can't fully understand) will keep our hearts and minds safe in Jesus. And that's just how my week has gone. And if I do say so myself, it's been nothing short of miraculous. Of course, the verse before this one tells us to pray and give thanks for everything. (And I've been doing that too.)

So it feels as if I've skated through this week on wheels of grace. Then finals week ended and I knew it was time to lay my cards on the table with Jenny and Josh. And since Josh is the man I love and am engaged to marry, I decided it best to speak to him first.

Jenny had a test on Friday, so I was relieved that Josh planned to pick me up yesterday after my last final.
There was no worry that she'd try to hitch a ride home with us. As selfish as that sounds, I couldn't have handled it.

Well, Josh picks me up around four and we haven't even left the campus before I tell him we need to talk. Those are my exact words. “We need to talk.”

“Oh, man,” he says. “I don't like the sound of that. Should I pull over and brace myself for something terrible?”

“Oh, I don't think-”

“Seriously, Caitlin, if you're going to tell me that God told you to break things off with me, or that you've fallen for another guy, I should pull over. I don't want to get us into a wreck.”

I reach over and put my hand on his shoulder. “No, it's not like that. I still love you, Josh. I still want to marry you.” But even as I say the latter, I'm not 100 percent sure. “It's just that I've had some things come up.”

“Really, I can pull over before we get on the freeway.”

“No, don't pull over, Josh. I think this might be easier for me to say if you're driving. I mean, I feel kind of silly about this, but I can't deny that I feel what I do. So just keep your eyes on the road and listen. And don't laugh.”

“Hey, when my girl is this serious about something, I don't laugh.”

“Good.” So I remind him of the conversation that he and Jenny and I had on our last trip to campus.

“Yeah, I remember. It did feel a little awkward for a
minute or two. I was glad someone changed the subject. Seems like it was you.”

“It was.” I try to remember just how I wanted to say this. I thought I had a plan, but it seems to have evaporated. “And in light of all the troubles in this world, like wars and starvation and AIDS, well, I feel kind of silly for being so disturbed by what probably seems like a very minor thing to most people.”

“Come on, Caitlin, spit it out.”

I take in a deep breath. “Okay, here goes. Josh, it's really been bugging me that you and Jenny had sex. I know it was a long time ago, and I honestly thought I'd forgotten all about it, or maybe just buried it, but suddenly it's all I can think about. It's like I wake up every morning and get slapped in the face by the cold, hard fact that my roommate has slept with my fiancé. It's like I'm living out some stupid soap opera, and I don't even watch soap operas.”

Now I am starting to cry. “It's not that I don't love you. I do, Josh. And I know that I forgave you a long time ago. But it just feels like I'm being haunted by these memories. And then Beanie reminded me about how we'll take anyone we've ever slept with into the marriage bed with us-” But it's too late. I'm blubbering now and fishing through my purse in search of a tissue.

Josh pulls over and he's just sitting there behind the wheel like I just slugged him in the stomach. I can tell he's totally stunned.

“I told you it was stupid, Josh. I told you I-”

“No,” he says in a strong voice. “It's not stupid.”

Then he turns and looks at me, and his face looks pale and serious, like he's hurting nearly as much as I am. And this makes me feel absolutely horrible. I mean, what kind of girl would do this to someone like Josh Miller? Josh, who has spent the last four years devoting his life to following God, who took heavy class loads to finish Bible college with honors, and who is now employed as an underpaid and overworked youth pastor whose concern for starving children in Mexico keeps him awake at night trying to think of new ways to raise money. What kind of horrible monster am I? Maybe God should just reach down and smack me right now.

“Oh, Josh,” I say, reaching for him. “I'm so sorry.”

But he shakes his head and gently pushes me back.

“I never should've mentioned-”

“No, Caitlin, listen to me, okay?”

I nod and sit back in my seat. I'm sure that he must hate me now. He's probably about to tell me that this is all just an unfortunate mistake, that we should simply part and quietly go our separate ways, and that he's been through this kind of thing with me one time too many. I mean, seriously. Why am I always hurting this guy? What is wrong with me? But at least I manage to keep my mouth closed. I just wish he would say something. Anything.

“You are absolutely right to feel this way,” he begins. “I don't even know why I never considered this before.” He pushes a stray piece of blond hair off of his forehead
and sighs. “I guess it was so far back, so long ago… I think I sort of forgot about it too.”

“Until I brought it all back.”

“But that's not your fault, Caitlin.” He reaches for my hand now. “You can't pretend not to feel what you really feel. And I should've known that this was something we'd need to talk about. I guess because I made my peace with God, well, I probably hoped that just finished it.”

“And shouldn't it?” I look into his eyes. “I mean, God doesn't throw old sins back in our faces. Once He forgives us, that's it.” I look away now. “It's my fault for dredging this stuff up. I shouldn't-”

“I don't think you dredged anything up. I think that God is just giving us an opportunity to clear this up between us. And as hard as it is to hear this and to be reminded of what a selfish jerk I was back then, I think it's good.”

He takes both my hands. “And I swear to you, Caitlin, I am so sorry that I had sex with Jenny. I wish more than anything in this world that I could give myself to you as a virgin. And-and it means so much to me that you've saved yourself for-” Now he starts to cry. And suddenly we're both sobbing and clinging to each other and I'm thinking how could I possibly have had bad thoughts about this man? How could I possibly love him any more than I do right now?

“Oh, Josh,” I say through my tears. “I love you more than anyone on earth. And I know that I need to totally forgive you for what happened with Jenny. And with
God's help that's exactly what I'm going to do.”

“Do you really mean that?”

I nod. Then we hug for a while longer. Finally we pull apart, and I take in a deep breath. “Guess it's a good thing you pulled over,” I say. And we both laugh.

Later on that night, we go for coffee and discuss this whole thing some more. Not that I want to so much. I actually feel like my issues with Josh were beginning to get resolved right there on the highway. And I have no doubt that God had a hand in that. But I think Josh needs to say a few more things. And I'll admit that I was glad to hear them.