I Do (9 page)

“It's still hard. Joel has another year before he graduates, and that's if everything goes well and I can keep on working.”

“Is there any reason you can't?” I asked.

She shook her head. “I haven't told anyone, but I'm afraid that I'm pregnant again.” And then she burst into tears, and we had to go into the guest bedroom to avoid being overheard.

“But you guys made it through the first baby,” I told her. “Maybe this won't be so hard this time. And Joel only has a year until he graduates.” I was trying to be positive as I hugged her and listened to her cry.

“I know. But Joel's going to be so discouraged. It's expensive having one child in day care, and my job pays so little.” She stepped back and shook her head. “Really, Caitlin, you've done this thing right. I wish I'd waited too.”

“All you can do is take it from here,” I told her. “Joel's a great guy, and you are an intelligent and capable woman. You guys will get through this, Anna. I just know it. And if nothing else, maybe you can use your story to help others make better choices. Is Joel still heading into the ministry?”

“He wants to.”

“He's always been such a gifted speaker.”

“It just seems to take so long. I mean, he's taken heavy class loads and works like a dog, but it's so hard to get ahead like this.”

“But there's an end in sight,” I remind her. “And more than that, God can get you through this. You know that.”

She nodded. “I do know that. It just doesn't feel like it at the moment.”

“When are you due? I mean, if it's the real thing and you're really pregnant.”

“The middle of June.”

I frowned. “So you probably don't want to be in my wedding then.”

She shook her head. “You know I'd love to. And in a different life I would leap at the opportunity. But I just can't commit to that.”

“But you will come?”

“If I'm not in labor.”

“You're going to be okay, Anna. Better than okay. I really believe that God is going to do something amazing with you and Joel. I mean, look at my Aunt Steph. You should've seen her life about six years ago. Unwed
mother, wild woman. Seriously, we all thought she was a total mess.”

“Really?” Anna looked shocked. “Now she's a pastor's wife and more together than most people.”

“See? If you let Him, God can do anything.”

“Thanks, Caitlin.”

But I still feel badly for Anna and Joel. Oh, I definitely believe what I told her in the guest bedroom. But I know they still have some bumps in the road ahead. Not that we all don't have bumps ahead. But I noticed the way Joel was talking to his old friends, getting excited about seeing them. It's like he was totally ignoring Anna. Almost as if he was ashamed of her. And well, that just got to me.

Still, it's not my place to judge. And who knows what those two have been through already. I agree with the old “unless you've walked a mile in their shoes” adage. Even so, I'm really glad that Josh and I have built a different kind of foundation for our relationship. And I hope that with God's help, we can keep it this sturdy and strong for the rest of our years together.

Last weekend I felt
like I was on top of the world. This week I feel like I'm drowning in the pits. Go figure. But then life is like that. I think it's just God's way of reminding us that we're not so hot. Still, I could've got ten along fine without this.

Okay, never mind that this is dead week (next week is finals), and that's bad enough. But as I'm cramming for finals and trying to fight off a cold, I have a problem that's eating me alive. I guess I should've been prepared for this. But I was so caught up in the la-la land of engagement and being in love that I just missed it. Or maybe I was in big fat denial. Maybe I am the Queen of Denial. Even now, I wonder why I am bothering to write about this in my diary. I mean, I still should be studying. But then it feels like I'm going to burst if I don't get this out. So here goes nothing.

After a blissful weekend at home and the wonderful
party Chloe hosted, I really thought life was good. But maybe that's as good as it gets. Maybe it's going to be downhill from here. Oh, I hope not!

It all started on Sunday afternoon. At the engagement party the night before, Jenny had asked to bum a ride back to school with Josh and me. Her parents had just left town for a couple of days in Las Vegas, and Jenny was stuck without a ride. Of course, we said that was fine.

Then as we were riding, we were talking about seeing our old friends again and how it was almost like a reunion, and then we started reminiscing about old high school days. It was actually pretty fun.

“Yeah, I remember when we first started getting to know each other, Cate,” Jenny said from the backseat. “You'd been kind of this wallflower chick.”

“I wasn't exactly a wallflower,” I protested. “Okay, maybe a little shy. But Beanie and I didn't really fit in with all you popular kids. You guys were too intimidating for us.”

She laughed. “Little did you know.”

“Yeah,” said Josh. “We
popular
kids were probably the on who were most intimidated.”

“How's that?” I asked.

“Well, we had to keep up, you know? Never let your guard down. Always stay on top and in control. It was hard.”

“That's right,” agreed Jenny. “A real dog-eat-dog world.”

“Yeah,” said Josh. “Lonely at the top.”

“Oh, puleeze.” I laughed. But then I knew they were sort of right. I'd been in the popular crowd briefly, and it was one of the worst times of my life.

“Luckily, we all survived.” Josh turned and grinned at me.

“And look at you two now,” said Jenny. “I mean, who would've thought, way back then, that you guys would get married someday?”

“Oh, I don't know,” I said. “I'd had my eye on Josh for a long time.”

“Really?” asked Josh. “When did you first start liking me?”

I laughed. “Seriously?”

“Yeah, tell me. When did you first notice me?”

“Back in my freshman year. We had biology together. You sat in front of me, and I would sit there and day-dream about you.”

“Really? Way back then?”

“Pathetic, huh?”

“No, not at all. I think it's sweet.”

“Okay then, when did you first notice me?” I asked.

“To be honest?”

“Yes,” I said in a firm voice. “Honesty would be nice.”

“Well, it was probably that drinking party when I walked into the den and saw you sitting all by yourself in that big leather chair.” He laughed. “You were so cute.”

“I remember that,” said Jenny. “And if memory serves
me right, you and I were still going together then.”

“I think we'd broken up by then.”

“That's right,” I said suddenly. “When we were working on decorations for the Valentine's dance, I remember you telling me what a jerk he was.”

“You actually remember that?” Jenny sounded surprised.

“Yeah, that was kind of a turning point in my life,” I admitted. “I was just breaking into the cool crowd then.”

“Oh, yeah.” Jenny laughed. “And that's when you moved in on my boyfriend.”

I turned around and looked at her. “Are you serious? Did you really think I moved in on Josh?”

She laughed even harder. “No, I'm just messing with you, Cate. Actually, as I recall, it was kind of a comedy of errors. We were both chasing after the same guy, and he really knew how to play us.”

Josh looked sad. “I was such a jerk.”

“That's right,” said Jenny.

“That's right,” I agreed.

And then we started talking about something else. But that little conversation got me to thinking. And suddenly, as if someone flicked some kind of old rerun movie on, I began to remember some of the things that happened that year. Things I think I've worked very hard to forget.

In all fairness, I think I'd worked hard to forget them because they involved forgiveness issues. I mean, Jenny and I eventually became very good friends, and I
couldn't very well go around holding a grudge against her or recalling every single thing she'd done to hurt me. Mostly with Josh. And then Josh and I started going out and getting serious, and it wasn't fair for me to hold things against him that had happened with Jenny. Forgive and forget, right? Move on. And so I did.

In time those memories just faded, and it was like those things never even happened. Until Sunday afternoon.

After we arrived at the dorm, Jenny went inside. (I'm sure to give us privacy to say good night, which we did with several very nice kisses.) And then I went inside and started doing some last-minute tweaking on a paper that was due the next day. Jenny was working too.

And then we did our little weigh-in routine. (And despite eating like a pig over the weekend, I had actually lost a pound and Jenny had gained one, so we were happy.) And then we went to bed. But instead of going to sleep, I started being haunted by high school memories. Most of all by the fact that my roommate and good friend Jenny Lambert had slept with my fiancé and true love Josh Miller. They had had sex.

Oh, I don't know why this had to be so disturbing just then. And in my defense I was having PMS. But it's as if someone just dumped a load of stinking crud on me, and all I could think of was that Josh had done IT with Jenny, that Jenny had done IT with Josh. And sheesh, what kind of fool am I to think they can't remember that? Why hadn't I remembered it myself? See what I mean? The Queen of Denial.

Well, since I'm the queen, I did a great job of commanding my royal feelings under the rug the next day. And the next. And the next. Oh, Jenny asked me a couple of times why I was so quiet, but I told her that I always get like this before finals. And since she's never roomed with me before, she bought it.

“You really take school seriously, don't you?”

I nodded as I looked up from my book. “Don't you?”

She shrugged. “Yeah, I guess.”

Okay, here's the dilemma-do I bring this up with her? Do I tell her what's bugging me and try to talk it through, work it all out? In some ways I think that'd just be fruitlessly painful for both of us. Because despite my having suffered this convenient “amnesia” all these years, my memory has returned with crystal clarity now, and I specifically recall Jenny telling me that she lost her virginity to Josh during the spring of his senior year. It was her attempt to win him back (from me).

Little did she know that at the time, I'd already decided to break things off with him. And even though she gave him her virginity, he still broke up with her, still broke her heart, and I know he lost respect for her. If anything, her effort to keep Josh made him even more attracted to me. But I was done with him by then. And I was done with dating as well.

So what do I do now? I've considered calling Josh and telling him how I feel, but what good would it do? I mean, what happened nearly five years ago was between him and Jenny-and between him and God. I know God has
forgiven Josh, and I'm pretty sure Jenny has too. I even thought I'd forgiven him-not to mention wiped my memory clean of it-but now it's like it's here again. Right in my face.

And it's not that I'm holding it against Jenny; I'm not. But it does feel awkward rooming with her and going through all this crud. I think it's about to make my head explode.

Finally, it occurred to me that I should call Beanie. I mean, what are best friends for? Besides that, she knows about Josh and Jenny's history; I won't even have to explain the whole thing to her. But unfortunately, Beanie hasn't been answering her phone today. I left a couple of desperate messages and e-mailed her as well.

And now I'm going to bed, feeling hopeless and confused all over again. Will this ever end? Have I made a mistake to agree to marry a guy with a past? Okay, I realize that by today's standards, it's not much of a past. And I know that Josh during his college years was committed to abstinence just like me. At least I think he was. But then I haven't exactly asked him. It's not as though it comes up in everyday conversation, like “Hey, Josh, did you ever have sex with anyone besides Jenny Lambert?” And now I'm thinking, what if he has? How would I feel? I already feel pretty rotten about this, and it's not even news to me.

So here's the thing: I know I'm not perfect. Believe me, I know I have LOTS of faults, have made LOTS of mistakes, and have LOTS of room to grow. But I've tried to
obey God. I've kept my abstinence pledge to Him. I am still a virgin. So why am I the one suffering here? Trust me, Jenny is sleeping soundly right now. I'll bet that Josh is too. Tell me, why am I the one who's in pain?

And does this mean I've made a mistake? Does this mean that Josh really isn't the ONE for me? I feel so confused and upset. And if I don't get a handle on this thing, I may just end up blowing off my finals week. And then where will I be?

In our weigh-in tonight
, I discover I have lost a total of five pounds.

“Wow,” says Jenny. “You're really doing great. But I hope you're not turning anorexic on me.”

I shake my head. “No, it's just prefinals jitters and this stupid cold.” Okay, it's a lie, but what am I going to say? “No, Jenny, it's just that I'm freaking out over the fact that you slept with my fiancé five years ago.” Yeah, sure.