I Do (11 page)

“I want you to know that Jenny was the only girl I've ever had sex with,” he admits. “I know that there were rumors going around school that I'd done it with other girls, but those rumors weren't true. I'm embarrassed to say that I did nothing to stop the rumors either. I thought it was cool that kids just assumed I was doing that.”

“Yeah, I understand how that worked.”

“And tell me if you don't want to hear this, but I hope that you will. What happened between me and Jenny…” He pauses, as if to gauge my interest, and I simply nod and attempt to act like I'm not glomming on to his every word. “Well, it was pretty awful and awkward for both of us. Believe me, it was nothing like you see in the movies. And I was actually so embarrassed that after that I never wanted to talk to her again. I think that's one of the reasons I started hanging around you so much then.”
He kind of laughs. “And I knew that you didn't even want me around. But it's like you were such a comfort to me.” Then he reaches over and takes my hand. “And of course, I was falling in love.”

“You were falling in love way back then?”

“Oh, you knew I was. You knew that you were running the show too. I would've done anything for you.”

I smile. “Guess it's a good thing I made that commitment to God. Who knows what might've happened otherwise?”

“Yeah, we'd probably be living in a trailer with five or six kids by now.”

And even though we laughed pretty hard over that image, I knew that it probably wasn't that far from the truth. Because I'd had it bad for Josh way back then too. Thank God for calling me to something far better.

God must've known how badly
college students needed Christmas break. Okay, so the university calls it winter break. Whatever. But I am so glad to be back in my hometown, so glad that my grandma let me house-sit, and so glad that I get to sleep in. Life is exceedingly good.

I decided to give Jenny a chance to relax after finals week, before I call and invite her to come visit me at my grandma's house. “Do you remember where it is?”

“Do I remember?” she says with excitement. “We had some great times there the last time we house-sat for her. Is Beanie coming too?”

So I fill her in on Beanie's New York trip. “She just called me this morning. She still doesn't know if she's been accepted for sure, but she said it's looking good. She should be home by Saturday.”

Then Jenny comes over, and I ask her how her weight gain plan is coming. “I feel sort of bad that we're not doing our nightly weigh-ins.”

“Yeah, me too. And I'll admit that my mom made a comment that almost got me going. But you know what I did?”

“I have no idea.”

“I told myself that if I gave in, it would be like she was controlling me again. You know what I mean? Like just because she makes some lame comment about food or weight, doesn't mean that I have to go all anorexic again.”

“Wow, that's real progress, Jenny.”

She nods. “My counselor says that it's all about control and empowerment. I need to know that I have control in my life, but not through things like losing another pound.”

We talk some more, and I'm surprised at how naturally our conversation just evolves into what's been bothering me. And it's a relief because I wasn't really sure that I would bring it up.

“That's kind of like something I've been going through,” I tell her. “It started a couple of weeks ago, and I got so bummed that I kind of quit talking to you.”

“So it wasn't just finals.”

“No, it wasn't.”

“Well, that's good because I was starting to think you were kind of freaky, you know? Totally obsessed with finals.”

“No, I was totally obsessed with something else.”

“What?” She leans forward with concern.

“I hadn't thought about it in years. In fact, I'd actually forgotten about it. But then on that night when Josh brought us back to school, you know when we were reminiscing about the good old days?”

She nodded with a troubled brow. “Yeah?”

“Well, it suddenly occurred to me that my roommate had slept with my fiancé.” I kind of make a face. “I know it sounds like something straight out of ‘All My Children.’ But seriously, it kind of freaked me out.”

Jenny almost looked like she was about to cry.

“I'm not saying this to make you feel bad,” I say quickly. “I guess it's more of a confession. It's like the more I thought about it, the madder I got at you. And I know that's totally unfair. It was just making me miserable.”

“I can understand that, Cate.”

“But I prayed for God to get me through finals, and then I talked to Josh about it and–”

“What did he say?” She was sitting up straight now, kind of like she felt indignant.

“Only that he was really sorry about it. He feels bad that it happened, and he's even mentioned that after I clear the air with you, he plans to make an official apology to you.”

“To me?”

“Yeah. He knows that God has forgiven him. And that
I have too. But he still feels badly for you. He knows that you got hurt as well.”

Now Jenny is crying, and I can't help but cry too. I move over to the couch where she's sitting and put my arm around her. “Jenny, I'm sorry to make you feel bad. It really wasn't my motive. I just wanted things to get better between us. You're a good friend, and I really love you. But it's like there was this wall growing between us. I couldn't stand it.”

She sniffs and nods. “I know. I could feel it too. And to be honest, I've wondered about that in the past. I mean, it is kind of weird that we became friends. And for a long time Josh was so out of the picture that I almost forgot the history we had. Then suddenly we're rooming together, and then Josh is proposing to you and–”

Now she just bursts into full-blown tears. She is sobbing so hard that I think she must be in pain. And I don't know what to do. I'm actually considering calling someone. Like maybe Aunt Steph could help out. So I pray that God will show me what to do and that somehow He will comfort her. I reach for the box of tissues that Grandma always keeps nearby, and I place them in front of her. And finally she stops.

“Wow,” she says as she blows her nose on a tissue. “I don't know where that came from.”

I just shake my head. “Me neither. But I'm sorry if it came from me.”

She sighs and looks down at the crumpled tissues in her lap. “No, it's not from you. Not exactly. But maybe
this thing with you and Josh helped to flip my memory switch.”

“How's that?”

And then she starts telling me about this guy she met at the start of her junior year at college. She had still been going to the Christian college where she and Beanie and Anna had gone right out of high school. Ironically, she was the only one of the three who stuck with it that long. “And I would be there now,” she tells me, “if it weren't for Peter.”

“I never heard about this guy.”

“No one has. And there's a reason. Peter and I hit it off from the start. The problem was Peter had a girlfriend.”

“Oh.”

She nods. “But Peter and this girl had been going together since high school, and I think he was getting a little bored with their relationship. Anyway, he and I would just meet for coffee or walk to class together. No big deal. We mostly liked to talk. And I suppose in all honesty we were flirting a little too. But it's not like he was married. And I guess I felt myself getting more and more attracted to him. I think he saw me as something a little more risky and exciting than Meredith. No offense, but Meredith kind of reminded me of you when it came to things like abstinence and being so devout. I really didn't like her much.”

“Thanks a lot.”

“Okay, that's where the comparison stops. Meredith
was like a stick in the mud about everything. She even thought that playing cards was sinful. But you're not like that. You're fun and smart and you're not judgmental.”

“Okay, I feel a little better.”

“Come on, Cate, this is my story.”

“Sorry.”

“So by spring term, Peter and I were seeing quite a lot of each other. And it was actually starting to get fairly romantic. Before long we were sneaking around to be together. He kept saying that he would break up with Meredith, but it was like she had some kind of hold on him. Even so, I really thought that eventually he was going to get sick of her. I mean, everyone else was.”

Now Jenny looks almost as if she's going to cry again. “And then I did something really stupid. It's like I was back in high school again, like I'd never learned my lesson the first time. I mean, I knew Peter wanted it too. In fact, he wanted it way more than I did. And he kept hinting. He'd even call me up and read verses out of Song of Solomon. And you know how passionate that book can get.”

I nod. I am thinking this guy is a total jerk, but I don't say this.

“And so I finally gave in. I actually thought that if I slept with him, it would cinch the deal. He'd leave Meredith, and we'd get married and live happily ever after.”

I'm feeling kind of sick now. Bad for Jenny as well as these other two. And I'm wondering why we humans make
such stupid decisions sometimes. But I'm trying to keep my expression even. I don't want Jenny to know how much it hurts to hear this.

“We did it a few times, and believe me, Cate, it was NOT that great. Maybe it was because it was his first time and only my second. But I'll tell you this now–it was not worth it. Still, it's like I was driven at the time. Like I was going to win this man or die trying. And then suddenly it was over. Peter cut me off like a bad habit.” She kind of smiles. “I guess I was.”

“What happened then?”

“Well, I was devastated, of course. I tried to call him or accidentally run into him, but he was either gone or surrounded by his buddies. I learned later that he'd gone to their church back home, where Meredith's dad was the pastor, and he'd confessed his sin with me, repented, and asked for help.”

“Oh.”

“And by the end of the school year, I learned that Peter and Meredith had gotten engaged, and that the wedding was set for August.”

“August.”

“Yeah, about the same time I started going anorexic again. Pathetic, isn't it?”

“No, it's just sad.”

“Actually, my counselor tells me it's textbook.”

“Oh.”

“That's how it is with some of us, Cate. We gotta learn everything the hard way.”

“Well, don't take this wrong, but I think Peter sounds like a complete jerk and you are so much better off without him.”

“I know that now. But it hurt back then. In fact, it still hurts now. Oh, not about Peter so much, more about the way I let myself, and subsequently God, down.”

“And that's why you transferred to the university?”

“That and to be with you. Somehow I knew my old friend Cate could help me through this. And see, you have. I'm just sorry that I had to be the source of so much pain for you these past couple of weeks. I wish you would've said something.”

“I didn't know what to say.”

“Yeah, it's kind of awkward. But if it's any consolation, I can barely remember what happened with Josh that one time. We'd both been drinking, and I was hoping I could get him to dump you and take me to the prom.” She rolls her eyes. “How's that for a true confession. I can't believe you can even stand me.”

“That was a long time ago, Jenny.”

“But I'm still pretty flaky. I mean, look at the thing with Peter.”

“But he had a lot to do with that too. He strung you along. And trust me, he's probably paying for it now.” I consider the marriage bed metaphor and just shake my head. “And Meredith too. It can't be too great being married to someone like that.”

We talk for so long that Jenny ends up spending the night. “Like old times,” she says as we make microwave
popcorn and tune in to the classic movie station.

And once again, I can see how it is important to bring these old issues to the surface. It not only allowed Jenny and me to clear some things up, but it gave her a chance to tell me a story that had been festering inside of her. And maybe these wounds will begin to heal for her now. I just hope she learned a lesson through all this. And I'm sure she has.

And suddenly I'm thinking that Liz and Jenny need to get better acquainted. I mean, Liz has just assumed that Jenny is some Miss Perfect, church-going, Goody Two-shoes…and the truth is, Jenny's made some of the exact same mistakes as Liz. Maybe I'll tell Jenny a little more about Liz and see if she wants to join us for coffee next time.

I've never seen Beanie
so ecstatically happy. It's like she's literally glowing. If I didn't know better, I'd assume she was in love. And in a way I guess she is. But she's in love with Pratt, her new design school that's just offered her a full scholarship. She told Jenny and me the details today. We'd met at the mall to do a little last-minute Christmas shopping.

“I can't believe this is happening to me,” she said after we met at the food court. “It's like a dream.” We ordered our food from separate places, then I found the last available table, clear on the other side and still sticky from the last occupants. I wiped it down with a napkin and waited for my friends to join me.

“Okay, spill the beans, Beanie,” I said once we were all seated.

She laughed. “Haven't heard that one in a while.”
Then she sat up straighter and, in an I-have-arrived voice, said, “I go by Sabrina Jacobs now.”

“Such a sophisticated name.” I nodded my approval.