I Do (19 page)

“I just wanted to spend a little time with you,” he said. “If it wasn't for this youth group thing tonight–”

“It's okay. My mom wants me to come over tonight to help with some of their wedding goodies anyway.” I laughed. “I can't believe they're actually going to let me see something. It's like everything's been all top secret over there.”

Then Josh dropped me off at my parents' at a little after seven, but I thought it was odd to see so many cars parked in our neighborhood. Still, he acted like it wasn't so unusual, although he did have this little twinkle in his eye.

You guessed it, I went inside to discover about forty of my female friends and family waiting for me, the
guest of honor, to come to my wedding shower. But here's the best part–Beanie was there! I just broke down and cried when I saw her sitting on the sofa next to Jenny. I'd been feeling so bad that she's been so far away–and I suppose I've been wondering about my dress too.

I was blown away by the shower and all the lovely gifts. Of course, lots of jokes were made about how Josh and I would really need some of these items down at the mission in Mexico.

“But we have the rest of our lives,” I reminded them. “I'm sure we'll figure it out and get settled down eventually.”

“I hope so,” said Joy. “I don't really like the idea of my grandchildren being raised down in Mexico.”

“Speaking of grandchildren,” Jenny said as I broke a ribbon to open a box. “There's another one.” Someone made up this silly rule that for every ribbon you break at your bridal shower, it means you're going to have that many babies.

“That's seven kids so far,” Beanie said as she collected another bow to put onto my rehearsal dinner “bouquet,” which consists of all the wedding shower bows made into one colorful bunch.

All in all, it was a wonderful night, although I'm not sure if I actually visited with everyone there, but I tried. I know I'm still pretty worn out from the past couple of weeks. I'm looking forward to having some downtime between graduation and the wedding. Okay, at least a day or two.

I hadn't wanted to ask Beanie about the wedding dress last night. I mean, what if she hadn't been able to finish it, or something had gone wrong? I didn't want to be a blubbering bride-to-be at my own shower. Talk about putting a damper on things. But I did ask her this morning at church.

“So how's the dress coming?” I say in this slightly hesitant voice, like I'm not sure if I want to hear the answer.

Her face is blank, but she says it is fine.

“By the way, how did you get to come home this early? I thought you had finals next week too.”

“Two of my classes were graded by my term projects, and I was allowed to take the one final early when I explained my circumstances.”

“Circumstances?”

“You know, that I was your maid of honor and everything.”

“They let you leave for that?”

“Well, that and they understood about the wedding gown.”

“Understood?” Now something about this is making me nervous, but it's too late to attempt to extract any more information from her, because Pastor Tony is already at the pulpit.

But as soon as church is over, I corner Beanie. “Look, I've really been trusting you on this, but do you realize it's less than two weeks until the wedding, and I have no
idea what my wedding gown looks like, or for that matter, if I even have one?”

She grins and with raised brows says, “So, maybe you'd like to see it?”

We arrange to meet at high noon at my parents' house, since my mom is eager to see it too. As I wait for Beanie to get there, I am so nervous I actually put on a fresh layer of antiperspirant. She'd already told me, through e-mail, that I would need a strapless bra for this dress, and I had it on along with the proper hose (a beautiful pair of nude-colored, lace-trimmed thigh highs that Beanie had also recommended). And as I sit in my mom's bedroom, wearing her chenille bathrobe over this, I actually pray:

And then I take several deep breaths. The next thing I know Beanie is coming into my parents' bedroom with a large garment bag. “You ready for this?” she asks.

I nod without speaking. I'm not even sure if I can speak.

“Okay. But do you mind if I have you close your eyes until you have it on?”

I nod again. Still speechless. I suppose I feel a little like the lamb on her way to the slaughter. But at least this isn't my wedding day. At least I will have time to sort this all out. With my eyes closed I feel the gown being lowered over my head and I must admit that the weight and the layers of fabric feel good. And I can tell as she zips up the side zipper and fastens some hooks that the fit is perfect, and so far the dress is quite comfortable. Although I don't know that comfort is necessarily a good sign, since the dresses I liked most weren't usually the most comfortable.

“Don't open yet,” she warns. “I want to get the shoes and the veil.”

So I stand there waiting and praying. Finally, she has me all set and turns me around, I feel sure, so that I am facing the mirrored doors on my parents' closet. “All right,” she says in a nervous voice. “Open.”

Well, I am just stunned. I cannot believe my eyes. And before I can say anything, I am crying, sobbing actually.

“Are you okay?” asks Beanie, and I can tell she is scared. “Is it all–?”

“It's awesome!” I tell her between sobs. “It's amazing. It's a miracle.” And then we hug, and I can see that she is crying too.

“I got an A-plus on it, and everyone at school thought it was fantastic.”

Then my mom comes in, and she starts crying too. “Oh,
Caitlin, it's perfect!” She turns to Beanie with wide eyes. “You are a wonder, Beanie.”

“She got an A-plus,” I tell her as I wipe my eyes and take time to more carefully examine the most beautiful dress I've ever seen.

The bodice fits me like a glove and is cut similar to a strapless gown, but it has these sheer gossamer-like pieces that gracefully go over my shoulders, kind of off the shoulder like the bridesmaids' dresses. But the incredible part is how the bodice is beaded with all these tiny pearly-looking beads. The pattern is delicate and yet classic, and really, if someone told me that angels in heaven had designed this dress, I would believe it. That's what I tell Beanie and she cries even harder. “I was praying the whole time,” she tells me.

And the skirt is perfect too. It's made of the same heavy weight satin that I like, but it doesn't feel heavy or bulky as it gracefully flows to the floor. And instead of a train, which I frankly don't get, it is just a little longer in the back–very elegant looking. Even the veil is perfect. And of course, I knew that I already loved the shoes.

“I feel like Cinderella,” I tell Beanie and Mom.

“You're going to be a beautiful bride.” Mom hugs me again. “I'm so proud of you.”

To say I am feeling hugely relieved is a total understatement. I am feeling ecstatic and blissful and like I am really living out my wedding dream.

Josh was too busy to drive
me back to school today, and I totally understood. Fortunately for me, Jenny's mom was driving her back, so I caught a ride with them. And I tried not to feel bad when Jenny's mom helped her pack up all her stuff and load it into their car and leave.

“I don't see why you want to stick around here,” Mrs. Lambert said as they got the last load. And the truth is, I don't either, but then I know there's not room in the Lambert SW for both Jenny's and my stuff. And since my mom's busier than ever with the last of the school-year activities with her second graders and my dad was swamped at work, I will simply bide my time as I carefully pack up my things. My plan is to just hang out here on campus until Saturday and the graduation ceremony, before I totally check out of this place for good.

“It's okay,” I told her. “It might be nice to have a couple of days without anything much to do.”

“I'd think you'd have plenty to do with your wedding in just over a week.”

I smiled at her and noticed that Jenny was giving me the “Sorry, but this is my mom,” look. Then I said, “It's really amazing at how little there is to do right now. Everything seems to be falling right into place.”

And it really is. I looked over my list of things to do and somehow they all seemed to be under control. Even the music for the reception was covered. Chloe asked me a few weeks ago if we planned to have a live band.

“No,” I told her. “Don't tell me you're offering. And if you are, forget it. I want you girls to just relax and have fun during our reception.” I knew they would be leaving for their big summer tour on the Monday afterward, and there was no way I'd let them play.

“I wasn't thinking of Redemption,” she told me.

“Although we might have a little surprise for you. But there's this Christian band over in Mercer, and they've been trying to get us to listen to them. I've heard their demo, and they're really good. I told the leader that if you were willing, we could listen to them at your reception. Of course, they'd have to play for free.”

I had to laugh. “No way! Are you kidding?”

“No. And Josh heard the demo and thinks they'd be great.”

And so I listened to the demo and I agree. As a result, we're getting live music for free. “Don't worry,”
Chloe assured me. “These guys are totally jazzed to do this. For them to be heard by two of the hottest Christian rock groups–”

“Two?”

“Oh, yeah. I invited Jeremy to be my, well, not date exactly, but you know…”

So not only will Redemption be at our wedding, but the leader of Iron Cross too. That's quite a break for this new band, and I don't even feel bad that they're doing it for free. Also, I'm sure it'll be quite a show. Yeah!

It really seems like everything is pretty much under control. And I know I should use these next couple of days to just kick back. And I plan to, but I can tell it's not going to be easy.

I was right. It wasn't easy. The first night that I was alone in my dorm room, I had a nightmare–about Josh. I dreamed that he was cheating on me with someone (thankfully not Jenny), and I guess I never actually saw her face. But oh, it hurt so bad–just like it was really happening. I woke up sobbing and almost called Josh, but it was only five in the morning.

Of course, I told myself it was ridiculous and that Josh would never do that to me, but I was haunted by it all day on Thursday. I kept praying and trying to think about other things, but it wouldn't go away. As a result, I have been plagued with these awful doubts. What if I
am doing the wrong thing? What if Josh really doesn't love me? What if our marriage is destined for failure? Arggh!

In desperation, I called Liz. We'd missed our Tuesday coffee time, since I hadn't come back to school yet. And okay, I realize it was probably a little crazy to call someone like Liz when I'm freaking out over Josh's fidelity or lack thereof. I mean, Liz is totally off guys right now, since she did discover that Leon (who seemed so nice) had actually cheated on her after all! But I called her without really thinking this through. I mostly just wanted someone to talk to.

She laughed when I told her about my dream. But not in a mean way. She laughed like she thought I was being ridiculous. “You're just having a prenuptial attack of nerves,” she said as if she were the expert. “People do this all the time. It's your subconscious way of preparing yourself for what lies ahead. Like pregnant mothers dream that they have a baby that they're neglecting or abusing. It doesn't mean that's going to happen.”

“Seriously?”

“That's my take.” She grinned. “And I am a philosophy major.”

“Now there's a degree that's going to take you places,” I teased.

“Yeah, yeah, O'Conner…you should talk.”

So we talked some more and laughed, and I realized that Liz was, after all, the perfect person to call. More than that, I realized that even though she's not a believer (yet!) she has a good heart and is a true
friend. And I almost wish that I'd asked her to be a bridesmaid, but at least she's going to be on hand helping with the guest book and gifts. She didn't even make fun of this “job” when I asked her. She told me she'd be honored. Now really, who would've thought, back when I was a freshman, that Liz Banks would be managing the guest book at my wedding? Life's funny.

And so I told myself that my silly dream was just a case of the prenuptial jitters and best to be ignored. However, I did call Josh and tell him a little about my dream. He assured me that cheating on me was the furthest thing from his mind. And I believe him.

But this morning, Liz called and asked me how I was doing. I think she was really concerned.

“I'm feeling better,” I told her. “Your advice really helped.”

“So what are you doing today?”

“Just sitting around, looking at my packed boxes and wishing I had a good book to read.”

“Have you done any shopping for the honeymoon yet?” asked Liz.

“Shopping for the honeymoon?”

“Yeah, silly. Don't you want to look not for your hubby?”

“That's not such a bad idea.”

“Well, I just happen to have my friend's car today. Do you have any money?”

I laughed. “Sure. With all that I've saved on this wedding, I'm loaded.”

“What better way to spend some dough than for your honeymoon!”

And although Liz and I don't agree on everything, I have to think that this girl's got a lot of good sense. She picked me up, and we shopped until we literally dropped. But am I ever ready for the honeymoon now. I just wish I had a little bit of a tan started.