I Hope They Serve Beer in Hell (37 page)

Mike "Weill was in the fucking Navy, asshole.
"

After they got Doug's truck fixed, we headed to Cliff's house to drin
k
more beer and blow things up. Cliff's place was hilariously redneck. A
s
we drive up, three dogs that look more like coyotes come running u
p
barking and jumping around. Sitting on a nice two-acre piece of land i
s
a big double-wide trailer, very nice by trailer standards. It is flanked b
y
two huge storage sheds with ATV's, boat hulls, a beer fridge, anima
l
skins mounted on the wall and all order of tools and sheet metal an
d
what not. In the huge back yard is a rock pond that is really nice an
d
well put together, with a working fountain in the middle. Next to th
e
pond is an old three wheeler ... up on blocks. No, really it was up o
n
concrete blocks. Awesome
.

All the way in the back is an animal pen that has donkeys and goats
.
We go to the pen because Cliff wants to show everyone somethin
g
behind it
.
Mike "Hey Cliff, what the fuck is wrong with that billy?
"
The male goat, called a billy goat, had a torn and bleeding ear. W
e
walk into the animal pen, and laying on the ground is a dead goat wit
h
half its face missing. Across the pen are two dead baby goats, bot
h
dirty and mangled. Everyone just kinda stands there for a second
,
when one of the dogs-the big male one-sticks its head through th
e
gate, sees Cliff standing there, and takes off running with his tail betwee
n
his legs. Cliff explodes
.

Cliff "CHEVY GET BACK OVER HERE! YOU GODDAM
N
MOTHERFUCKER GET OVER HERE!
"

Cliff stomps across the yard after the dog. He is PISSED
.
Mike "Oh shit. Here he goes.
"
Tucker "Why is he so mad?
"
Mike "You see the goats, Helen Keller?
"
Tucker "That goat's been dead a long time. It's face is half decomposed.
"
Mike "No no. That goat was alive this morning.
"
Tucker "Then how did its face get like that? It's decomposed.
"
Mike "You dumbass. The dogs ate it.
"
Tucker "NO WAY! Are those dogs wild?
"
Mike "Hell no; they just normal house dogs.
"
Tucker "Normal dogs wouldn't do that.
"
Mike "Sheet. You got dogs?
"
Tucker "Yeah. I grew up with them and have one now.
"
Mike "Well, your dogs'd do the same thang. They are all sweet an
d

nice around humans, but you get them in a pack and they go fucki
n
nuts. Domesticated or not, them's wild animals at heart. Chevy is th
e
ringleader, and he's done this before, that's why Cliff is so pissed. H
e
should know better.
"

A gunshot rang out, and I kinda jumped. We turned towards the yard
,
and saw Cliff, red as a beat, screaming and chasing his dog around,
a
shovel in one hand and a .22 in the other. The dog was scurrying thi
s
way and that, dodging gun shots and shovel swings. It looked like
a
Hee-Haw skit
:
Cliff "YOU STOO-PID STOO-PID DOG!" [swings the shovel an
d
misses] "WHY THE FUCK DA YEW KEEP DOIN' THAT!" [anothe
r
gunshot rings out and misses] "GET OVER HERE AND GET'CHE
R
WHOOPIN!" [swings the shovel and misses] "HOW MANY TIMES A
M
I GONNA HAVE TA BEAT YEW?!?" [another missed gunshot
]
Tucker "Is he really shooting at his dog?
"
Mike "Oh hell yeah. Cliff is a pretty level guy, but when he gets mad
,
you better watch out. He'll calm down after he tones the dog for a littl
e
while.
"
Tucker "Tones the dog? What does that mean?
"
Mike "Wait'li he catches him, you'll see.
"

A few seconds later I see Cliff swing his shovel and hear the distinctiv
e
"TONG" of metal against skull as he clocks the dog flush in the head
.
Much to my surprise, the dog took the hit and ran off with no noticeabl
e
damage. I didn't know whether to laugh because of the absur
d
comedy inherent in watching a fuming redneck chase his dog aroun
d
his yard with a shovel and a gun, or be sad because some guy just hi
t
a dog in the head with a shovel
.
Mike "You hear that sound the shovel made on his skull? That's wh
y
we call it 'toning'.
"
Tucker "Wow. I mean ... I've never seen anyone work a dog over lik
e
that. I've never even seen anyone work over a person like that. Pimp
s
don't even beat hookers like that.
"
Mike "Chevy'li be fine. He's tough, but he's obstinate. Dogs is lik
e
women; sometimes talkin' don't work.
"

After Cliff was too exhausted to chase the dog any longer, he storme
d
back to the animal pen, shovel in hand but no rifle, sweat pouring of
f
his brow, still muttering to himself
.
Tucker "Why is he so mad? It's just a goat. He can buy another one.
"
Mike "Well, he ain't got much money, and them goats is worth bou
t
$150.
"

Mike goes behind the animal pen to what can only be described as a small pet cemetery. There is a pine cross up with a goat's name, and rocks over the grave. Cliff starts digging a new grave next to the old one. The digging eventually calms Cliff down and all of us start trading drinking stories. I tell them a few of my classics and they laugh. Doug "Cliff, tell Tucker some of your stories."

Cliff "Well, there was that weekend I tore my intestine from beer. I went into the doctor and he asked me how many beers I drank. I said I had about an average Saturday, bout 50. A pretty hairy Sunday, had bout

70.
They called in two more doctors and a whole mess'a nurses. The
m
fuckers didn't believe me. I asked'em: How the hell else am I gonn
a
tear my intestine from beer unless I drank me a shit load of it?
"
Tucker "You drank 120 beers in two days? No fucking way.
"
Cliff "You sound like the fucking doctors.
"
Tucker "That is over 1400 ounces of beer! That's like ... 10 or 1
1
GALLONS! IN TWO DAYS!?!?
"
Mike "Well thank you Mr. Wizard, we know how much fucking beer i
t
is.
"
Tucker "I am in awe of that.
"
Cliff "Shit. That ain't nothing. Around here, 120 beers is what we cal
l
'tha weekend.''
'

After awhile Chevy came over and sort of crawled near us but staye
d
out of reach, obviously not wanting to get another whipping. He lai
d
about 10 yards away, licking his crotch
.
Tucker "I wish I could do that.
"
Mike "I don't think he'd let'cha.
"

Doug and Cliff digging a hole for the dead goats. Notice that Doug is "supervising." He's such a lazy shit.

Cliff finished digging and paused to stare at the dead goat for a minute. Cliff "I kinda want to keep that goat head and mount it above my fireplace

... but I cain't.
"
Doug "Why not?
"
Cliff "Cause evertime I look at it I'd hit my dog.
"

We threw the goats into the grave, and Mike jokingly took a ful
l
Keystone Light and threw it in the grave before he filled it in
.
Mike "That's for the trip, you stupid goats.
"
Cliff "The sad part is, when I'm broke jones'in for a beer, I'm gonna di
g
that motherfucker up and drank it.
"
Mike "Boy, that'd really git your goat.
"
Cliff "Fuck yew.
"
Mike "Cliff, you feelin alright? You look like you just buried a goat.
"
Cliff "Im'ma tone you in a minute if you don't shut da fuck up.
"

[WARNING: If you enjoy carefree, guiltless sex with multiple partner
s
and want to continue having lots of it, stop reading right now. Don't sa
y
I didn't warn you.
]

I know I say things like, "Is this my life?" all the time, but honest t
o
fucking god, every time I think my life is as weird and perverse an
d
fucked up as it can possibly get, I trump myself. It never fails. This jus
t
happened on April 3rd, 2005 as I was finishing up the material for thi
s
book
:
"Sarah," one of my regular fuck buddies, calls me and asks if she ca
n
come over and spend the night. It was a Sunday and I was going t
o
stay in to do some work anyway, plus she is real cool and laid bac
k
and doesn't require any attention from me except for sex, so I agree
.
Sarah said she'd be over around 9pm. Right after I got off the phon
e
with Sarah, I got a call from an irregular booty call of mine, "Mimi.
"
Mimi was very drunk and making all sorts of promises about comin
g
over. She gets hammered and calls me all the time promising to com
e
over and never shows, so not taking her inebriated call seriously, I tel
l
her she can come over
.

Sarah gets there and instead of fucking, she wants to talk
:
Sarah "Tucker, I went to the hospital yesterday. I'm 5 weeks pregnant
"
(we had been fucking for at least two months)
.

Tucker "Aren't you on birth control? You told me we didn't have to us
e
condoms because you were on birth control
"
Sarah "I was. I still am, but remember when I got pneumonia from you
?

The doctor said that the antibiotics messed with my birth control, and
I
guess I got knocked up.
"

We talked about our options for awhile. I am always hesitant to sa
y
anything in these situations, for many reasons, but Sarah made it eas
y
on me
:
Sarah "Well, no matter what, I have to get an abortion. I don't reall
y
have a choice.
"
Tucker "I mean, OK, but what do you mean you don't have a choice?
"

Sarah "Well, I start chemotherapy next month.
"
Tucker "Chemotherapy?
"
Sarah "I wasn't going to tell you this, but ... well ... 1 have ovaria
n
cancer. I found out two weeks ago.
"
Tucker "Fuck. You are having a great month ... are you going to live?
"
Sarah "Yeah, I should be fine. But 1obviously can't be pregnant durin
g
cancer treatment.
"

The great irony in this: The entire reason she found out she had ovaria
n
cancer early enough to treat it was because she was fucking me. It i
s
pretty rare to get ovarian cancer that young (she's 20), but it's eve
n
rarer to catch it early enough to treat it effectively. We had unprotecte
d
sex because she was on birth control, but after considering the fac
t
that she was fucking me without a condom, she kinda freaked out an
d
went to her Ob/Gyn for a complete STD test and pap smear. Turns ou
t
she has no STD's, but came up positive for cancerous cells. I gues
s
sometimes fucking me can actually be healthy
.

But this wasn't all
:
Sarah "You don't know any private abortion clinics do you? I need t
o
go soon.
"
Tucker "You don't have insurance?
"
Sarah "Yeah, but I am on my parents' policy. If I use my insurance
,
they will find out and flip on me. I'm not sure I even have enough t
o
pay for it.
"

Before I can even recover from the cluster bombs that Sarah droppe
d
on me, an enfilade is fired at me from my flank: Mimi picks tonight t
o
actually make good on a booty call promise. Oh boy ... this night jus
t
got as awkward as a mule on rollerskates
.

Still very drunk, Mimi crashes into my place and falls on the floor
.
Maxie (my dog) licks her face until she gets up onto the couch, wher
e
she proceeds to lay a litany of her own problems on Sarah and I. Well
,
she doesn't actually tell us per se; she calls some other guy she i
s
fucking and we learn these facts from her loud and drunken conversatio
n
with him
:

• She was five months pregnant, but just had a miscarriage four days earlier [note: in this, she is telling the truth. We have many friends in common, and I saw her a few weeks before and she was clearly pregnant. Now she clearly wasn't, and our friends had told me about her miscarriage yesterday].
  
• Her husband blames the miscarriage on her.
  
• She is pissed at her husband for blaming the miscarriage on her.
  
• She is very unhappy with almost everything about her three-month
  
• ld marriage, and thinks she wants a divorce. [Yes, she was already two months pregnant when she married him.]
  
• She admits that the baby might not even be her husband's.
  
• She says that the only reason she married her husband was because she was pregnant, not sure who the father was, and he had the most money of anyone she was fucking at the time.
  
• She is at my place to fuck me mainly because her husband hates
  

me [note: He hates me because I once embarrassed him at a
party].

Wow; this night just went from awkward to full-on Tucker Max surreal
.
There isn't this much concentrated misery in a pediatric burn unit
.
But even beyond the wretched circumstances surrounding these girls
,
I really don't know what to do. Both girls are totally fucked up and bot
h
want to fuck me. How do I resolve this situation? I was totally baffled.
I
don't even know what my options are. Could I just leave? Could I cal
l
the cops and pretend one of them hit me, and have her taken away
?
Could I somehow turn this into a perverted, prego threesome
?

Remembering that the only way to defeat an ambush is to charge int
o
it attacking, I decide that fucking at least one of them is the solution
.
But should I screw the slut who is cheating on her husband and jus
t
miscarried a 5-month old fetus, or the one who has cancer and is currently carryin
g
my child? I do a cost-benefit analysis of sex with each
: