I Hope They Serve Beer in Hell (36 page)

• The Sheriff of Midland lives in Doug's apartment complex. When he gets drunk, which is pretty much every day, he sits in his car and tries to pull people over for DUI. In the parking lot of the same complex he lives in. He doesn't even bother going out into actual streets.
  
• When they are bored, Emma's friends will do what is called "spotlighting."
  

West Texas is basically all brushland that is overrun with jackrabbits, so hunting them is legal year round. To hunt them, you go out at night in the fields with your truck and shine your spotlight around until you catch one. When the light hits them they look right into it and freeze, thus making easy targets.

But because it is so easy, just shooting them isn't enough for some
of these people. One guy told me a story about how he got bored with shooting them with a rifle, so he started using a bow and arrow. That got boring, so he would run them over with his truck. That was simple, so he started getting out of his truck and beating them to death with a tire iron. When that got too easy, he chased them and stomped their heads. When that lost its luster, he threw his tool box at them. Then he took the 50 or so rabbits he'd killed and laid them out in his ex-girlfriend's yard, spelling the word "Ho."

•
One of Doug's friends got kicked out of his house at 18 because he was a total fuck-up and his parents couldn't deal with him anymore. This kid is either too poor or too stupid to get a normal apartment, so he instead moved into a storage unit. He sleeps in an empty, gutted Bronco, and uses hundreds of boxes of Keystone Light as insulation. You don't believe me? Look at the picture:

These people are funny, but they've got nothing on Doug's co-worker
,
Wayne. Wayne works with Doug in the West Texas oil fields, and w
e
spent a few days with him on the rigs. The first time I met Wayne, h
e
drove up in his truck when we were doing something manual
:
Wayne "You two look like monkeys fuckin' a football.
"

Doug "Fuck you redneck.
"
Wayne "Proud of it, you knob-slobber. Want some beer?
"
Doug "Yeah, gimme one.
"
Tucker "Should we drink when we work?
"
Wayne "Sheeet. Son, this tha country, this ain't no got-damn Ne
w
Yourk City or no fuckin' She-Ka-Go. In the country, it ain't calle
d
'drankin a beer,' it's called 'improvin' yer work.''
'
Tucker "Well .. .
"
Wayne "Come on. It's rodeo cool.
"

Tucker "Well, OK, if it's cold I guess .. .
"
I take a sip and immediately spit it out
.
Tucker "DUDE-THIS BEER IS HOT!
"
Wayne "Whudda fuck duhya thank 'rodeo cool' meens
?

We went to lunch with Wayne. He took out his tooth to eat-one single tooth-and regaled us for hours with some of the funniest stories I'd ever heard.

Wayne on occupational hazards: "Yeah, them oil rigs ain't to be trifled wit. One time we was changing the heads on a pump and the fucker blew .. Throwed me bouta hundred yards and killed two other guys workin' with me. That was some shit. I had to take a whole week off work."

Wayne on drinking: "I knew I should slow down my drankin when I was going through half a fifth a day, just on the drive home. Now I just drank a few beers on the ride and save the hard stuff for when I git home."

Wayne on West Texas flora: "This one time I got throwed off a Bronc and landed in a mesquite bush. You know them mesquite thorns is long and thin as hell. Well, I stood up and brushed miself off, but I felt blood dripping down ma face. I wiped it off but I couldn't find no cut, then ma son told me it was coming from ma eye, so I reached up and felt a lump under my eyelid. 1pulled a three inch thorn out of my face. That fucker had gone in vertically and missed tha eyeball, but had gotten sunk deep behind the eye. I got lucky on that one. You can still see the scar-just look right her. What's wrong wit you boy? Why you squirm'in' like a ki-ote caught inna snare?"

Wayne on whiskey: "I don't drink JD; it gives me gout." [we crack up laughing] "Fuck yall, you'll be old soon."

Wayne on West Texas fauna: "Don't let no one tell you cows ain't mean. Thems some fuckers. Another time I got throwed trying to

Watching Doug work from the cool shade of the truck is even funnier.

break'a horse, and a cow done shit all over my head when I was laying on the ground. I got up and whupped his ass. Punched that fucker right'n his face. He didn't shit on me no more after'at."

Wayne on cunnilingus: "Just because it smells bad don't mean it tastes bad. I ate out all kinds of pussies, and I liked ever one. Cept them Mexican hookers. You don't go down on them, you'll come up seeing stars and have a green tongue and shit. Other'n that though, I'd eat the hymen outta dead donkey. I love it!"

The second day in the fields I had to get suntan lotion, because I wasn't used to spending 10 hours a day in the sun. While we were at the store Wayne called Doug looking for him: Wayne "Where the hell you faggots at?" Doug "We had to get Tucker some suntan lotion." Wayne "SUNTAN LOTION? Well god damn! I been'ta two world's fairs and a goat ropin' contest and I ain't never seen no shit like this." After that, he called me the "World Champion Goat Roper" all week. I didn't figure out what it meant for a few months. Think about what kind of person spends time holding goats down, and you'll get it. One night we were out drunk and called Wayne. Doug dialed his number, the phone answered, but it was a good minute before any voice came on. Even though I was standing next to Doug and not on the phone, I could hear the Hank Williams Jr. blaring on the stereo in the background.

Wayne "Whut'dda fuck dyew want?
"
Doug "Hey Wayne, you want to come get some beers with us?
"
Wayne "Who's dis?
"
Doug "It's Doug and Tucker.
"
Wayne "FUCK NO! I ain't watchin you two faggots suck dick all night.
I
can turn on the cooking channel and see plenty of homos.
"

Here I am, in the West Texas Oil fields, on the phone with my agent. Only Tucker Max.

Doug "Come on Wayne, we-
"
Wayne [He yells away from the phone to his 12 year old son] "HEYYO
U
FUCKING DITCH MONKEY, GET ME ANOTHER BEER 'FOR
E
I HIT'CHA WIT MY BOOT.
"
Doug "Wayne?
"
Wayne "Ain't you got some goats to poke? Ah hell, where is my beer
?

YOU BETTER HURRY UP YOU LITTLE SHIT OR YOU'LL B
E
SLEEPIN ON THE PORCH WIT'DA DOGS.
"

Wayne is awesome, but Doug has other country friends that may b
e
even funnier. Doug is big into off-roading and rock crawling and simila
r
redneck activities involving big tires and loud engines, so one day h
e
took me to hang out with some other off-roading friends of his, Mik
e
and Cliff. He said I would like them because "they call themselves
a
'drinking team with an off-roading problem.'
"

We met Mike and Cliff at a maintenance shop that one of their friend
s
owned. It looked just like the American Chopper shop, except th
e
place was a mess. I kept expecting Paul Sr. to storm out of the offic
e
and start screaming at Paulie and Vinnie about the shop being dirty
.
Mike was about 40, had an orange "Daytona Bike Week" hand band,
a
white goatee and was covered in axle grease or some other dirt
y
mechanical fluid. Cliff was about 35, in a plaid lumberjack jacket, a gol
d
rope chain and I think had at least two dips in, if not more. They bot
h

looked like tow truck drivers (and I don't mean that as an insult, it's jus
t
the impression they gave off)
.

At first, we just sat around and drank beer and bullshitted. It too
k
awhile but once they realized that I wasn't some city-boy prima-donn
a
who thought he was better'n them, they warmed up to me
.
Tucker "So Mike, on the ride over here Doug said that his truck was
a
lot better than yours.
"

Mike "Sheet. His little girl truck couldn't pull a tampon out of a sic
k
whore's pussy." Tucker "Doug said that your truck is just like bad pussy-i
t
stinks.
"
Mike "There ain't no such thing as bad pussy.
"
Tucker "You haven't had enough pussy to say some shit like that.
"
Mike "Well you must fuck a lot, 'cause you ain't had a long enough dr
y
spell to thank pussy can be bad.
"
Tucker "Touche.
"
Mike "Don't use no goddamn French round me, boy.
"
Tucker "Holla.
"
Mike "I guess nigger's better'n French.
"
Tucker "You shouldn't say nigger. If you must, at least say 'urban.'
"
Mike "You got too much education, boy.
"
Doug had something broken on his truck and his buddies helped hi
m
work on it for a few hours. I just stood around drinking Keystone Ligh
t
and watching because I don't know shit about anything mechanical
:
Mike "Tucker, hand me that crescent wrench.
"
Tucker "What is a crescent wrench?
"
Mike "Goddamn. You bout as useful as tits on a bull. All that educatio
n
and you don't know nothin'.
"
Cliff "He sure know how to drink my beer without paying for it.
"
But the highlight had to be listening to them talk shit to Doug
:
Doug "I only have 40,000 miles on that thing; I don't know how th
e
U-joint broke.
"
Mike "Right, 'cause having a dumbass driver who's always hoppin
g
curbs and smokin' his tires don't got nuttin' to do wit it.
"
Doug "Fuck you, bitch.
"
Mike "I hope you brought some tequila Doug. We ain't doin' this fo
r
free.
"
Tucker "All it takes is a bottle of tequila to pay you off? This is som
e
serious mechanical work you are doing.
"
Mike "Hell no. But tequilas the only thang that's gonna wash the tast
e
of dick outta Doug's mouth.
"
Cliff "You'd know bout that wouldn't you?
"