I Kissed Dating Goodbye (5 page)

1. Every relationship is an opportunity to model Christ's love. Bethany, an outgoing freshman at a Christian college, has a reputation as a bit of a flirt. Unfortunately, much of her interaction with guys is fake--it focuses on attracting attention to herself and getting a reaction from whoever she currently likes. Bethany invests more energy in getting a guy to like her than she does in spurring him toward godliness.

But when Bethany changes her perspective and realizes her friendships with guys are opportunities to love them as Christ does, she takes a 180 degree turn from flirtatiousness to honest, sincere love that treats guys as brothers, not potential boyfriends. Instead of viewing herself as the center of the universe with other people revolving around her, she can begin to look for ways to bless others.

The world will know we follow Christ by the way we love others. For this reason, we must practice love as God defines it--sincere, servant-hearted, and selfless--not the world's brand of selfish and sensual love based on what feels good.

2. My unmarried years are agisttstrom God.

Michael is twenty-one years old and has an engaging personality that matches his good looks. As the intern for his church's youth ministry, he has more than enough opportunities to meet and get to know Christian girls. Although he realizes his potential for ministry as a single and doesn't feel rushed to get married, he has developed a pattern of dating one girl after another. Although Michael has done nothing immoral, his pattern of

Until you realize God's gift of your singleness, you'll probably miss out on the incredible opportunities it holds. Perhaps even now you can think of an opportunity you could grasp if you let go of the dating mind-set. As a single you have the freedom right now to explore, study, and tackle the world. No other time in your life will offer these chances.

3. Intimacy is the reward of commitment--I don't need to pursue a romantic relationship before I'm ready for marriage. Jenny is seventeen and has dated a boy from her church for over a year. They're both strong Christians, and they want to marry each other someday. The "someday" part is the problem--realistically, they can't get married for quite a few years. Both have specific things to accomplish for God before they can take that step.

The old attitude would say that intimacy feels good, so enjoy it now. But the new attitude recognizes that if two people can't make a commitment to each other, they don't have any business pursuing romance. Even though it isn't easy, Jenny tells her boyfriend that they need to limit the time and energy they invest in each other. Trusting that God can bring them back together if He wills, they halt their progression of intimacy until they can match it with commitment. Though they struggle

joshua harris with the separation, missing the closeness they once enjoyed, they know in the long run--whether they marry each other or someone else--they've made the best choice for both of them.

God has made each of us with a desire for intimacy, and He intends to fulfill it. While we're single He doesn't expect these longings to disappear, but 1 believe He asks us to have the patience to wait and, in the meantime, seek close relationships with family and deep, non-romantic relationships with brothers and sisters in the Lord.

Sarah and Philip are both seniors in high school and have gone out with each other for six months. Their relationship has reached a fairly serious level. In fact, for all intents and purposes,

A new attitude 49 they might as well be married. They rarely do anything apart-- they monopolize each other's weekends, drive each others cars, and know each others families almost as well as their own. As well, their physical relationship is fairly serious. In fact, it's in a precarious position. Even though they haven't had sex, they constantly struggle with going too far.

The old attitude says we can "play marriage" if we really love someone. But the new attitude views a claim on another person's time, affection, and future before marriage as unwarranted.

Sarah and Philip realize they need to end their relationship as it now exists. By staking a claim on each other, they've stifled their individual growth and needlessly consumed energy that they should have directed into service and preparation for the future. They've planned their lives around each other when they don't really know that they'll get married someday And in reality, if they are like most high school couples, each of them will probably marry someone eke.

God to show you whether you need to reevaluate a current relationship.

5. I will avoid situations that could compromise the purity of my body or mind,

Jessica, age sixteen, is a good girl who is unfortunately very naive. Even though she's a virgin and has committed to saving

sex for marriage, she places herself in compromising situations with her older boyfriend--homework at her house when her mom's gone, hiking alone, ending their dates in his parked car. If Jessica were honest, she'd admit that she likes the excitement of these situations. She thinks its very romantic, and it gives her a feeling of control over her boyfriend who, to be quite honest, will go as far in their physical relationship as Jessica will allow.

But when Jessica takes on a new attitude, she sees that purity consists of more than remaining a virgin. When she honestly examines her relationship with her boyfriend, she realizes that she has left the direction of purity To get back on course she has to drastically change her lifestyle. First, she ends the relationship with her boyfriend because they focus on the physical aspect. Then she commits to fleeing those settings that lend themselves to compromise.

Where, when, and with whom you choose to spend your time reveals your true commitment to purity. Do you need to examine your tendencies? If you do, make sure that you avoid placing yourself in settings that encourage temptation.

unnecessary baggage

Right now you might be thinking, "This new attitude is radical!" Maybe you're wondering whether you can adopt such seemingly foreign attitudes.

1 know that this new attitude challenges convention and even habits you may have already adopted. But 1 believed that if we want to live the "God fashioned life" we must embrace a revolutionary

A new attitude 51 consideration, I think you might find it doable, even desirable. Why? Because the Christian with his or her eyes on the goal of sincere and intelligent love will find throwing out the world's approach to relationships as no sacrifice. Rejecting the old attitude is the natural response to not only the evident problems in dating, but more important, to the high calling we've received from God. He commands us to "throw off everything that hinders" and "run with perseverance the race marked out for us" (hebrews 12:1). God wants us to win the race of life. The attitudes and practices of our culture's dating relationships are unnecessary baggage that weighs us down.

"But what's the alternative?" you ask. Loneliness? Lifelong singleness? Friday nights at home watching videos with your cat? No! No! No!

Choosing to quit the dating game doesn't mean rejecting friendship with the opposite sex, companionship, romance, or marriage. We still can pursue these things; we just choose to pursue them on God's terms and in His time. God asks us to put our romantic ambitions in the "all these things" pile that we must leave behind so we can "seek first his kingdom and his righteousness" (matthew 6:33). Leaving dating behind is a side effect of God's primary desire for us to consume ourselves with seeking Him wholeheartedly

making the trade

Many of the attitudes and practices of today's dating relationships conflict with the lifestyle of smart love God wants us to live. Let me ask you some tough, soul-searching questions. Are you willing to break our culture's rules to experience God's best? Are you willing to give Him everything, committing yourself to Him with abandon?

joshua harris

A simple story told by one of my favorite preachers, Ravi Zacharias, clearly

You and I will never experience God's best--in singleness or in marriage--until we give God our all. We've held onto old attitudes, foolishly clutching a lifestyle that the world tells us will bring fulfillment. God asks us to hand them all over to Him.

Where are you right now? Have you given God everything within you, or do you still hold your favorite marbles in your hands, including your attitude about dating?

In the following chapters we'll examine our attitudes toward three heart issues--love, patience, and purity--that shape our approach to relationships. As we seek to gain God's perspective, we'll discover that giving Him everything is well worth the trade.

part Two THE HEART of the MATTER chapter four Looking Up "Love" in God's Dictionary

learning the true definition of love

"You did what?" I asked in disbelief. Jeff laughed loudly and accelerated the car as we went around a turn. My shock apparently energized him. "Gloria told her mom she was staying at her friends house, and we rented a room at a hotel Friday night," he said as if it were no big deal.

Though he hardly seemed old enough to be driving, my sixteen-year-old friend was acting as my chauffeur during the summer weeks I spent at my grandmothers home in Ohio. Our parents had known each other since the couples were newlyweds; we had pictures playing together as preschoolers.

Jeff and his girlfriend, Gloria, had been going out for a while. If you didn't count the numerous times they had broken up then reconciled, they had dated for almost a year. Jeff had always remained vague