I Kissed Dating Goodbye (7 page)

The second common fallacy about love deals with personal responsibility. The world tells us that love is beyond our control

This thinking has found its way into our language. We describe the beginning of a passionate relationship as "falling in love." Or people say, "We're madly in love with each other." You've more than likely heard people say these things--perhaps you've even said them yourself.

Why do we feel compelled to compare love to a pit or a mental disorder? What do these statements reveal about our attitudes toward love? I think we make these somewhat overstated analogies because they remove personal responsibility. If a person falls into a pit, what can she do about it? If an animal contracts rabies and runs around foaming at the mouth and biting

joshua harris people, it can't really help its nasty behavior because it has gone mad.

Does it sound a little absurd to discuss love in such terms? I think so. Yet we tend to express our experience of love in these ways. We think of love as something beyond our control and thus excuse ourselves from having to behave responsibly. In extreme cases, people have blamed love for immorality, murder, rape, and many other sins. Okay, so maybe you and I haven't done those things. But perhaps you've lied to parents or friends because of a relationship. Maybe you pushed your partner too far physically. But if love is out of our control, we can't possibly be held responsible. Yes, we know we behaved rashly. Yes, we know we might have hurt others in the process, but we couldn't help it. We were in love.

A slap in the face

The world may define and defend love in these terms, but the Bible offers a very different perspective. For the person practicing the self-centered, feeling-governed, beyond-my-control love of the world, God's definition can be as startling as an unexpected slap in the face.

The world takes us to a silver screen on which flickering images of passion and romance play, and as

looking up "love" in god's dictionary 65 Christ taught that love is not for the fulfillment of self but for the good of others and the glory of God. True love is selfless. It gives; it sacrifices; it dies to its own needs.

"Greater love has no one than this," Jesus said, "that he lay down his life for his friends" (john 15:13). He backed up His words with His actions--He laid down His life first for all of us.

Christ also showed that true love is not measured or governed by feeling. He went to the cross when every emotion and instinct in his body told him to turn back. Have you ever read the account of Jesus' praying in the Garden of Gethsemane? He clearly didn't feel like enduring the beatings, hanging on the cross, and giving up His life. But He laid His feelings before the Father, giving Himself over to the Father's will. Jesus' feelings were not the test of His love, nor were they His master.

Christ wants us to have this same attitude. He did not say, "If you love me, you will feel warm, cascading sensations of religious emotion." Instead he told us, "If you love me, you will obey what I command" (john 14:15). True love always expresses itself in obedience to God and service to others. Good feelings are nice but not necessary.

Jesus' example also shows us that love is under our control. He chose to love us. He chose to lay down his life for us. The danger of believing that you "fall in love" is that it also means you can "fall out of love" just as unexpectedly. Aren't you glad that God's love for us isn't as unpredictable? Aren't you thankful that God's love is under His control and not based on whim? We need to throw out the misconception that love is some strange "force" that tosses us around like leaves in the wind against our will. We cannot justify doing what we know is wrong by saying that "love" grabbed hold of us

true love nullifies dating

With these truths about love in place, let's make a practical application. If dating hinges on our attitude toward love, what happens to dating when we take on Christ's attitudes?

Sparks fly.

God's true love pretty much nullifies dating as we know it. Think about it--when you date guided by the worlds attitude that love is for the benefit of self, you base your dating decisions on what's best for you. I opened this chapter with a story about my friends Jeff and Gloria. Unfortunately, they often subscribed to the world's definition of love. First, their motivation was self-centered. Jeff went out with Gloria because she was pretty, other guys liked her, and she satisfied him sexually. His criteria for pursuing a relationship with her compares to his criteria for choosing a pair of jeans--makes me feel good, makes me look good. Gloria wasn't much better. She liked Jeff because he was a "prize"--he was good-looking and athletic, and he owned a nice car. They met each other's emotional and physical needs and helped each other's image.

But had they turned away from the world's self-centered attitude, many of the "good reasons" for pursuing romance in dating would have begun to disappear. What if Jeff and Gloria had asked, "What is my real reason for seeing this person romantically? What am I seeking that couldn't be found in a friendship? Am I selfishly seeking only my own fulfillment? What am I communicating to him (or her)? Am I arousing emotions I'm not ready to meet? Will he (or she) be hurt if I allow this relationship to proceed now? Is this relationship

looking up "love" in god's dictionary 67 going to help or hinder his (or her) walk with God?" We need to start asking ourselves these kinds of questions. Is this other focused attitude more complicated? Maybe. More godly? Definitely.

But what if Jeff and Gloria had realized that they would answer to God for their actions--regardless of whether or not they were "in love"? They would have told their feelings to take a hike.

The same is true for you and me. We need to forget our sinful instincts! By nature, our instincts want to set us on a course of destruction. We shouldn't allow our feelings to set the tone or the pace for our relationships. Instead, we need to allow wisdom and patience and selflessness to guide us.

"love must be sincere"

As we seek to love according to God's design, we must pursue sincerity. "Love must be sincere"--this bnef command given in Romans 12:9 leaves no room for misunderstanding. The love God wants His children to live by has no room for deceit and

68 joshua harris hypocrisy--it has to be genuine and earnest.

Unfortunately, much of what takes place between guys and girls today is insincere. There is nearly always an angle, a hidden agenda. What can you do for me? What can I get from you?

I'll never forget a conversation I sat through with a group of guys. Girls, you would have been appalled if you had overheard it. These guys were discussing things a guy could do on a date to get a girl to fall for him. They recited lines for stirring the heart and lines for getting a kiss. One guy explained his technique of alternating warmth with disinterest and coolness --he claimed that this approach kept a girl guessing and trying her best to please him. Another guy shared ways to put a girl in a romantic mood. He'd take a date to a

I'm sure many girls would admit to having their own set of tricks. But no matter how commonplace or ingrained in our culture these practices may be, we all face judgment by the four simple words given by God: "Love must be sincere."

We need to embrace the incredible responsibility we bear as representatives of Christ's love here on earth. "By this all men will know that you are my disciples," Jesus said, "if you love one another" (john 13:35). The world will know we are differ looking up "love" in god's dictionary 69

ent, the world will see a glimpse of the divine, saving love of God by the way we love. Will others see the sincerity of Christ's love in our relationships? Or will they see the same brand of self-centered love practiced by the world and turn away in disappointment?

practice makes perfect--or perfectly imperfect

The love we practice in dating not only shows the world Christ's love, it also prepares us for our future relationships. As we relate to others today, we form patterns that we'll take with us into our marriages. For this reason, we must not only practice sincere love but also practice commitment-based love.

We see so much divorce and betrayal in our society today Take a quick count--how many of your friends come from broken homes? I believe that this trend will only increase as each generation begins to practice short-term love in dating relationships earlier and earlier. It seems that dating as we have come to know it doesn't really prepare us for marriage; instead it can be a training ground for divorce. We cannot practice lifelong commitment in a series of short-term relationships.

We need to realize that the lifelong commitment so many of us desire in our future marriages cannot be practiced or prepared for in a lifestyle of short-term relationships. Until we can commit to making a relationship work for the rest of our lives--and yes, it is a huge commitment--we do ourselves and others a disservice by pursuing short-term love in the meantime. True love waits, but not just for sex. It waits for the right time to commit to God's brand of love--unwavering, unflagging, and totally committed.

pushing our pettiness

Committed, sincere, selfless, responsible--all these words describe God's love. And each stands in stark contrast to the love practiced by the world.

Our brief examination leads us to one simple conclusion: We cannot love as God loves and date as the world dates. God's grand view of love pushes out the pettiness and selfishness which defines so much of what takes place in dating.

Maybe some ideas in this chapter have sparked your interest, and you're wondering, "How should I respond?" I have some ideas. You may find them challenging; perhaps you'll disagree. But I must clearly state my convictions here. In my view, if dating encourages us to wear the world's style of love, then dating needs to go. If dating causes us to practice selfish, feeling governed love that's contrary to God's love, we must kiss dating goodbye. We must stop trying to fit God's ideas