Authors: Ellen Hopkins
Up through the indigo, I am lifted.
Wake
up, Kaeleigh. Come back to me right now!
Sharp strikes against my cheeks.
Sudden tears. My eyes want to float open.
But I won’t let them. Won’t see him.
I Fall Again
This time, I land in a soft swirl
of lavender, like the ocean at sunset
just after downpour. Beautiful.
Can I stay here? Forever? Lapping
against the beach, playing with
the sand. Frothing against the shore.
Footsteps again. They slap tile.
Running away from me.
Good-bye feet. Good-bye.
I am sinking. I can end it here.
But if I’m going to drown, I have
to go fast. Before the feet come back.
I Let Out All My Breath
Concentrate on sinking
deeper and deeper and…
oh, but what’s poised below?
What monsters of the deep
might decide to chew on me?
Will it hurt, the final release?
Is there pain when the spirit
pries itself free of the flesh?
Why worry about that now?
I can feel the excavation, and
it’s painless so far. My lungs
fill with water. Silt. Mud. Now
it hurts to breathe. So I won’t.
I’ll settle deep into darkness.
And I won’t say good-bye.
Damn Footsteps
Won’t let me sleep. And voices.
One belongs to Daddy.
Oh my God. Her face is blue.
The other belongs to a woman. Mom?
No, not Mom. Softer. Younger.
Kaeleigh, wake up now.
Melodic. Angelic. Angel?
That means I’m…
A sudden burst of air floods my
lungs. Pressure on my chest. Air.
Pressure. Air. Pressure. Air.
I’m breathing. Not drowning.
Atta girl. She’s coming around.
My stomach roils, like I gulped
lavender seawater. I lean over
the side of my bed, jet a big stream
of opiate-laced Wild Turkey.
Good girl. Get it all out.
And now I’m in Daddy’s arms.
I squirm, but he won’t let me go.
Limp. Fall limp. My eyes wander
past his face, to the face of my angel.
Hannah. Of course. Who else?
Her hand is cool against my face.
What did you take, Kaeleigh?
Tell? Don’t tell? Who cares?
“Percodan.” No need to mention
Daddy’s OxyContin. The Wild
Turkey, they can smell. Hannah sighs.
How many?
Her voice, sugared, irritates
me now. If heaven’s host sounds
like her multiplied, I’ll stay
home. “N-not sure. A dozen?”
Hannah points to the gross
disgustingness next to the bed.
She should be okay, but…
Oops, Too Late
She said the magic word: okay.
Daddy gulps in air like it might
disappear any second. Like I might.
He gushes,
Are you sure?
Hannah has been fussing over
me, as any good nurse would.
Her vitals are good, considering….
Good enough for Daddy.
Thank you so much, Hannah.
But Hannah’s not quite finished.
She needs to go in for monitoring.
I won’t be monitored, won’t answer
questions. I just want to be left alone.
Daddy’s got that covered.
I don’t
think that’s necessary. And I know
you know how important it is to keep
this right here in this room.
If she doesn’t know, she definitely
understands Daddy’s directive.
But she dares question him.
May I speak to you for a minute?
They Move into the Hallway
But I’m not really sure why.
I can hear every word,
despite their lowered voices.
Hannah is worried about me.
A dozen painkillers, washed
down with whiskey. That
wasn’t an accidental overdose,
Ray. Your daughter needs help.
Duh. Serious help. But Daddy
won’t admit it.
I think we
can handle this in-house.
I’ll make some calls.
But Hannah isn’t satisfied.
Look, I know this isn’t something
you want spread in the tabloids.
But I’m just not sure…
Daddy can be very persuasive.
I appreciate your concern.
You wouldn’t be a good nurse
otherwise. But leave this to me.
She has to give it one last shot.
Please think seriously about
getting some help for her.
Your daughter is disturbed.
Yep. Disturbed semiregularly,
by her pervert father, a part
of the story she’ll never know.
And even if she should find out,
Daddy apparently holds a trump
card.
I promise to think about it.
Oh, and your problem with your
ex? Consider it solved.
I have no idea what the problem
could be, but Daddy’s reach
is long. Almost as long as
the silent pause right before
Hannah acquiesces.
Okay,
I’ll back off. But please keep
an eye on her. If she follows
through, I’ll never forgive myself.
Following Through
Isn’t something I can think
about right now. I’ll put it
on my back burner checklist
of things to think about
later.
My head hurts, far beyond
the dizzy left inside it. It hurts,
like my heart does. When I do
let myself think about tonight,
I’ll remember
a whiteout of emotions.
A rush of anger, at my mom,
my dad, my screwed-up life.
A blush of love for Ian. Oh,
how
I wish that I could give him
what Daddy takes so easily from
me. But it would be a tainted gift.
Sadness now, and I wonder how
it feels
to live without a constant fog
of sorrow, a breeze of loneliness.
Complacent, I wait for my daddy
to come and punish me for trying
to die.
I Can’t Believe
Kaeleigh had enough ambition
to down those pills, take dead
aim at whatever might come after.
If Daddy had found her much
later,
he’d have discovered an empty
shell. Seeing her slip down
that long, dark tunnel toward
permanent peace is something
I’ll remember
the rest of my life. It didn’t look
so difficult. Still, I’m not quite
ready to let her go. Needy,
shaky, I lie in bed with her.
How
long it’s been since I’ve felt
this close to her. Her breaths
are shallow, raspy with exhaustion.
“Stupid shit,” I whisper, and
it feels
like not enough. “If you’re strong
enough to look death in the eye,
you’re strong enough to fight
him. Please. I don’t want you
to die.”
Don’t Know
If she heard any of that.
She’s so weighted into oblivion,
she looks as if she did die.
The weirdest thing is,
Daddy has not come to
check on her. You’d think
he’d want to know if she
is still breathing. I’m guessing
he went straight for the Wild
Turkey. Hopefully Kaeleigh
left enough for him to drown
his guilt. Does he feel guilt?
Does he feel
anything
at all?
I Think
Maybe that’s what he’s looking for.
A way to feel.
Something.
Anything.
Even if that something is pain.
Remorse.
Humiliation.
Self-loathing.
What has brought him to this place?
Loneliness?
Greed?
Genetics?
What redemption can there be for him?
Penance?
Prison?
Demise?
It’s Morning Before He Comes
To check on her. Kaeleigh feigns
sleep, but Daddy’s determined.
He shakes her until she opens
her eyes, stares silently past him.
Good to see you’re still with us.
His voice is about as warm as
day-old oatmeal.
Don’t you ever,
ever do anything like that again.
Anger fills her eyes. Anger,
and knife-edged hatred. So
much to say, no way to say
it. “I…I…I won’t, Daddy.”
I think it’s best no one outside
this room hears about this incident.
Your mother would be very hurt.
He straightens, waits for an answer.
The tears in Kaeleigh’s eyes
reflect denial, but she doesn’t
dare let it spill. “Whatever you
say.” She turns her head away.