If You Really Love Me (14 page)

“Well, I don’t care what he told you. I don’t need to talk to any shrink, and I don’t need any medicine for my head. He needs to stay the hell out of my life.”

Saul looks very angry suddenly. For a moment, I can’t tell whether he’s angry at his dad or me. He doesn’t pull away from me or anything, so I figure it’s not me he’s pissed with. “Your dad seems like a nice man. He’s really worried about you.”

“I wish he’d just leave me alone. He always wants to talk. He’s always asking questions, about what I do in school, what I do after school. Then he gives me all kinds of hurt looks when I don’t want to talk.” Tensing up again, he makes a fist, as if he wants to punch something. After a moment, he relaxes once more, heaving a sigh thick with frustration. “Why can’t he just… stay the hell out of my way?”

“I think you’re lucky.”

He frowns at me. “What do you mean? Lucky how?”

“To have a dad.”

The frown on his face gives way to sympathy. “You miss your old man, don’t you?” he says.

“You can’t miss someone who was never there,” I reply. “But I guess I’ve always been a little jealous of kids who have their dads in their lives. Back in elementary school, we used to have a Bring Your Dad to School lunch every spring, and I was always the only kid whose mom showed up instead.” The feelings of abandonment and envy come back for a moment, as fresh and strong as they were when I was that little fatherless elementary school boy, sitting at a table in a cafeteria surrounded by men with their kids. “It’s not that I missed out on anything. I always had Mom and Auntie Jeanne and Cary, so it’s not like I didn’t have anybody in my life. I knew I belonged somewhere. It’s just… my dad knew I was on the way, and he still walked off. He didn’t care enough to stick around for me, even if things weren’t working out between him and Mom. He didn’t care enough to come back even once just to see what I’m like, to see if I look like him or anything.”

I can see pain now in Saul’s face. I can see him hurting for me. “Ellis… I’m sorry, man.” And suddenly he is patting his thigh with his hand, patting in sets of three, with pauses in between. Everything, every part of his life, seems to be affected by his disorder.

I want to ask Saul how he got this way, with all the workouts and tapping and stealing stuff and running stop signs. But every way I frame the question in my head would make it sound like there’s something crazy about him.

While I’m struggling to come up with a nice way to put the question, Saul is quick to change the subject. “I’ve got a present for you,” he says.

“I’ve got one for you too. Is it okay if we wait until tonight to exchange our gifts? I kind of want everything to be over and done, and it’s just you and me. You know what I mean?”

“Yeah, El,” Saul replies, and the affection in his smile makes me blush. “I’d like that. Just us.”

S
AUL
KEEPS
a set of dumbbells hidden in the trunk of his car. He says he likes to be prepared in case his parents cut off his access to the Y again. He brings the dumbbells up to the apartment, and while Mom showers and I clean up the kitchen, he has a miniworkout in my room.

Mom shuts herself away in her room after her shower. I let Saul take the bathroom next. He doesn’t have a change of clothes, and he has some kind of paranoia about wearing the stuff he had on yesterday without everything being washed. So while he’s in the shower, I put his jeans, sweater, underwear, and socks through the washer and dryer. It gives me a cozy, intimate feeling to do this for him. I’m walking down the hall with the freshly cleaned clothes folded over my arm, and when I pass Mom’s room, I hear the muffled sound of her voice through the door.

“Breeze, I’m sorry too. I missed you last night….”

I speed up my steps, because I sure don’t want to hear any of this.

D
INNER
IS
fun. Everyone is having a good time, with lots of talk and laughter. Breeze is here, so it seems she and Mom have officially made up.

For me, sadness drifts on the air with the aroma of roast goose and apple spice cake. Cary’s stuff is all packed and ready to go in his room. He and JT will be taking a flight to Phoenix at 4:00 a.m. tomorrow.

I have two awesomely hard conversations. The first comes right in the middle of dinner, while Saul, Mom, and JT are debating the odds on the upcoming Christmas bout between the Saints and the Seahawks, and Cary, Breeze, and Auntie Jeanne are talking dream trips to Hawaii. I get up and step out on the fire escape because I’m feeling so weird. Happy yet down. Maybe the cold air will clear my head.

The thick mat of snow crunches under my sneakers. Christmas music drifts from the apartment next door. The sun is peeking through the clouds in streaks here and there. When I hear the door open behind me, I smile, thinking it’s either Saul or Cary.

It’s Breeze. My smile retreats.

“Catching some air?” she says, and almost immediately she wraps her arms around herself and shudders violently. “Whoo! This air will freeze the lungs right in your chest.”

I try to think of something positive to say here. Nothing comes to mind. We’re outside, but somehow the space around us feels too close and the air too stuffy.

“You and I have never had a chance to talk,” says Breeze.

“I know. And I’m sorry about that.” I feel so bad for her. It isn’t that I don’t like her, although that’s obviously how the way I’ve been acting must have seemed. But how can I tell her what really bothers me about what’s going on between her and Mom without making them mad at each other again? Won’t it piss her off to know that Mom may not really be into her?

She walks up and stands beside me. She is as tall as me. That makes her a bit taller than Mom. In her jeans and brown leather vest, there is something sturdy and bold about her. Those are traits that every guy Mom dated had. Maybe that explains what first attracted her to Breeze.

“You’re an important part of your mom’s life,” Breeze says, looking at me. “I was hoping you and I could be friends, because your mom means a lot to me. I can see how your mom has been cutting herself off from you since I came along. She told me you don’t approve of our relationship.”

She pauses, waiting for me to jump back into the conversation. It pissed Mom off and broke things between us when I admitted how I felt about her and Breeze. I don’t want her to get mad at me all over again, so I keep my thoughts to myself.

“Ellis, I promise you, I am not out to hurt your mom. It’s important for you to know that.”

And now, finally, I have something to say that is both positive and truthful. “I don’t want either of you to get hurt.”

T
HE
SECOND
hard conversation comes after dinner, after all the dishes have been washed and put away. After Cary, JT, and Auntie Jeanne have opened their presents. After everyone has laughed and joked and played cards and watched the football game. Night comes on, grows deep, and at nine o’clock, JT announces his regrets and says he has to get to bed so he can make that early morning flight. He exchanges good-bye hugs with Mom and me, handshakes with Breeze and Saul, and he goes off to Cary’s room, where he has been sleeping.

Mom and Breeze say their good-nights and take off for Breeze’s place. Auntie Jeanne says good night and tells Cary he should get to sleep soon himself. She retreats into her room. Since Cary is sleeping on the sofa, I take that as the cue for Saul and me to say good night.

Cary hugs Saul. “Be good to my man here.”

“Don’t worry,” Saul replies. “I will. Have a safe trip.”

I hand Saul my key to the apartment. “I’ll be up in a minute.”

After Saul is gone, Cary reaches under the little Christmas tree and pulls out a small gift box. “This is for you.”

I unwrap the box. Inside is a cool silver choker necklace with a little plaque on the front that says, “Dare.”

“Don’t hold back, man,” Cary says. “Whatever you want, go for it.”

My throat has been closing up ever since Saul left. I nod and mumble, “Thanks.” I pull Cary’s gift from my pocket.

He opens it and sees the pair of gold earrings, each one a dangling Chinese symbol. “Thanks a lot, El. This is so cool,” Cary says. “What do the symbols mean?”

“Friendship.”

He takes out the gold loops in his right ear lobe and puts in the new ones.

We look at each other. I can see in his eyes that he’s feeling what I’m feeling. There’s no reason for either of us to say it.

I say instead, “Don’t be a dick, okay.”

He grins. “Only if you stop being such a pussy.”

I
WALK
into my apartment, and Saul is there waiting for me. He stands up from the sofa where he has been watching TV, and he waits while I lock the door behind me. The tears have been building up all day, and now that I’ve said my good-bye to Cary, I can’t hold them back any longer. I lean my forehead against the door and start crying.

Saul puts a hand gently on my shoulder, turns me, and takes me into his arms. He doesn’t say anything. He just holds me, which is exactly what I need.

L
ATER
,
WE
sit next to each other on the sofa and exchange gifts.

I am stunned when I get the box open and see Saul’s gift to me. “An iPad?”

Saul smiles. “Welcome to the twenty-first century,” he says. “Mom tried to tell me it was too much for a first Christmas gift. But I know you need this. In the morning, I’ll help you get it set up, and I’ll show you how to program that phone your mom gave you.”

“Saul… thank you. This is a great gift. Thank you.” I lean over and kiss him.

“Now it’s my turn, I guess.” He begins unwrapping my gift to him.

I bite my lip, worried. He gave me an iPad. My gift to him is going to be a big letdown by comparison.

He gets the box open and hauls out the pair of dog tags on a silver chain. I hold my breath, studying his face for a reaction. He shows nothing as he grabs the tags and reads the inscription.
From El to Saul: I’m with you.

He sits there, holding the tags, reading the inscription again and again. He begins to blink rapidly. “This means a lot,” he manages in a low voice. “You don’t know how much….”

I pull him over so that his head is resting on my shoulder. I’m glad the gift was as special to him as I’d hoped. Within minutes, we are in my room, out of our clothes, and under the blankets. We make love, and everything is perfect.

A
FTERWARD
, I
fall asleep.

The sound of motion and heavy breathing wakes me. I discover it’s just me in the bed now. The clock on the table reads 11:47 p.m.

I get up and cross the room quietly. At the door, I peer into the hall and see Saul, naked in the dimness, working out with the dumbbells. I believed, after this wonderful day, he wouldn’t think about the other two workouts he skipped.

Everything is not perfect.

W
E
’
RE
CLOSING
in on the end of January. School has been back in session for almost three weeks now. Nothing changed over the winter break. The other kids pay about as much attention to Saul and me as they do to the hall lockers. Saul has introduced me to some of his friends from his old school. One of them, Giles Beckford, I like a lot, even though I haven’t known him that long. He’s sort of a big guy. Every other word out of his mouth is dirty, but he makes me laugh, and he’s fun. He reminds me a little of Cary.

It’s so weird, because I communicate more with Cary now than I did when he lived downstairs. We talk or text each other every day, usually several times a day. He misses his mom and me and all of his friends here, but he likes his job in Phoenix and says the girls there are a lot smarter because they seem to realize what a catch he is. He’s actually dating out there.

It’s great that Saul and I hang out with his friends, but I wish he’d let us spend more time at his house. He’s hung out with my mom and Auntie Jeanne and even Breeze, but I haven’t spent any time with his folks, except for that one creepy talk I had with his dad. I want to feel like I’m in Saul’s whole life, not just a part of it. I think he’s afraid his parents will convince me that he’s crazy and recruit me to help convince him to get treatment for his compulsive disorder. I’m trying anyway, but he gets nervous every time I mention the disorder, and I always back off. I don’t know how to talk about it without upsetting him. And I’m still worried about what will happen if Saul ever finds out about that thing I did at school. Will he still like me if he finds out how crazy the other kids think
I
am?

Mom and I seem to be moving in two totally different worlds. She is working a lot of overtime to save money to help with my college expenses. That’s assuming I ever figure out what I want to study and where I want to study it. (I don’t actually plan on taking the money from her. I’m hoping I’ll have a job by then, and she can keep that money for herself.) When Mom’s not at work, she’s mostly with Breeze. Nothing’s official yet, but they’re just about living together. Mom and I exchange pictures of ourselves over the phone, which is pretty much the only way we see each other some days. Her relationship with Breeze is growing so fast, and it worries me.

Things are mostly good with Saul and me. We are definitely a couple. He is my boyfriend, and I am his. There is comfort in that thought. Excitement too. I care about him more than ever. But there is also doubt. I hear it in his voice every time he asks me if I’m really happy. I see it in his face every time he brings me a little present. I feel it every time I get worried about him.

Like Mom’s relationship with Breeze, there are so many things about Saul that worry me. There’s all the showing up between classes. He can text me just about any time he wants, and he does, but he still keeps meeting me in the halls between periods. I know this makes him late for some of his classes. I don’t want him getting in trouble with his teachers.