If You Really Love Me (16 page)

I press the button that speed-dials the number.

S
AUL
HAS
been giving me little driving lessons here and there, enough that I can drive the car away from the pump and into a parking space next to the store. I notice the gauge on the dashboard says the gas tank is about three-quarters full. Something like an hour passes with me sitting in the car, worried and waiting. Cary calls but I’m too worked up to talk.

Finally, a black sedan pulls in to the next space. I recognize the sedan from the parking garage at Saul’s place. There is a woman behind the wheel. She’s pretty, maybe ten years or so older than my mom, slender with short, dark hair. She looks over at me with troubled eyes and gives me a small wave. I wave back.

The front passenger door of the sedan opens, and Mr. Brooks climbs out. He hurries around to the driver’s side of Saul’s car and slides behind the wheel. Before he can say anything, I start babbling.

“I’m so glad you’re here. A police car came up about thirty minutes ago. A cop went into the store and came out with Saul in handcuffs and took him away. Saul’s been arrested.”

“I know, Ellis,” Mr. Brooks replies. “I made some calls. He’s been taken to the downtown police precinct. My wife is going to post his bail. I’ll take you home before I go down there.”

“Can I come with you? Please.”

He thinks about it for a second. “I believe Saul would like to have you there.”

He starts the engine. When I look around, the sedan is gone. Mrs. Brooks—I assume she is the woman behind the wheel—must already be on her way to the police station.

“Mr. Brooks, do you know why Saul was arrested?”

“He’s being charged with theft of property under five hundred dollars and assault.” Mr. Brooks drives out of the gas station’s lot and turns right, heading downtown.

“Who’d he assault?”

“A security guard.”

“That wasn’t assault,” I protest. “He just pushed the guy down.”

“Tell me what you saw.”

“The guy followed Saul out of the store and grabbed him by the shoulder. Saul didn’t hit him or anything. He just pulled the guy’s hand off his shoulder and pushed the guy over. That’s all he did. Then another guy came out, and they grabbed Saul, and he went back into the store with them.”

“Pushing that guard is probably enough for the prosecutor to make an argument for assault. Our lawyer will probably want to talk with you. Do you think you can do that?”

“Yes, sir.” I hate the idea of court and lawyers, but I’ll do anything to help Saul. “Is Saul gonna get sent to jail?”

“I’m not going to speculate about what may come down the line. For now, my focus is on bailing him out and getting him home.” He gives me a quick look before turning his eyes back to the road ahead. “Saul talks to me more since the two of you started dating. He seems to like talking about you. He told me you’ve been trying to help him stop his compulsive behavior. Thank you for that.”

“Why does he do it? What made him this way?”

“I’m not sure of the answer to that one. I do know the compulsions accelerated after that whole debacle with his first boyfriend.”

First?
“Saul had a boyfriend before me?”

Mr. Brooks shoots another glance my way. “I thought he would have told you about that. Wayne Haywood. That was the guy’s name. Saul was only fourteen when they met. Wayne was sixteen. They were both attending Beckings Academy then. My wife and I tried to discourage the relationship because Saul was so young. We imposed curfews and refused to let him go anywhere with Wayne. They still found ways to be together. It lasted for three months. Then Wayne got involved with another guy and broke things off with Saul. I’ve never seen Saul so devastated.”

“Was he really that much in love with the guy?”

“He certainly believed he was. That’s when he started the bodybuilding. Within a year, it escalated into an obsession. He felt so inadequate.”

“Inadequate?”

“Yes. Saul was a wiry little guy when he met Wayne. The guy Wayne left Saul for was taller and muscular.”

“So he figured Wayne left him because he wasn’t good enough.”

Mr. Brooks shrugged. “That was part of it, yes, but there were other things as well. Saul’s older brother, Levi, was something of a star athlete at Beckings. He picked up several trophies in swimming and basketball. He’d graduated by the time Saul became a freshman, but the coaches and many of the older students were still singing Levi’s praises. Saul loves sports, especially baseball, but he’s never developed the skill that his brother had. He always felt overshadowed.”

“But he’s not small anymore. He’s bigger than just about any guy at school.”

“Not in his mind, I suppose. He blamed his mother and me for the breakup with Wayne because of the restrictions we placed on him. He’s been fighting us on everything since then. He let his grades fall, got himself kicked out of Beckings for insubordination. Frankly, this arrest comes as no surprise. He’s been building toward this for months now. Maybe it will be the kick he needs to acknowledge he has a problem and start getting treatment.”

B
Y
THE
time Mr. Brooks and I reach the downtown police precinct, Mrs. Brooks has finished making arrangements to pay Saul’s bail. She shakes my hand when Mr. Brooks introduces us and forces a smile, but I can see how upset she is in the way her lips tremble.

It takes nearly two hours for the cops to finish all their processing and to finally bring Saul to the lobby where we’re waiting. He doesn’t look at any of us. He stops and lets each of his parents hug him in turn. Then he hugs me.

“I’m sorry,” he says to all three of us. Regret seems to weigh down his eyes, dragging his gaze to the floor and keeping it there.

“Let’s get out of here,” Mrs. Brooks says, looking jumpy now as if she expects the walls of the building to wrap around us at any second and seal us all in.

“I’m gonna drive Ellis home,” Saul says.

“No, you let your father do that,” Mrs. Brooks replies quickly. “You’re coming home with me.”

Surprisingly, Saul doesn’t argue. He just squeezes my hand and follows his mom out of the police station.

M
R
. B
ROOKS
follows the directions I give him and, in no time at all, we’re parked in front of my apartment building.

“Thanks for the ride, Mr. Brooks.”

He nods at me. It’s strange, seeing him at the wheel of Saul’s car, like looking at a wall that was always painted white and suddenly seeing it painted purple.

“Is it okay if I call Saul?”

“Not right away. His mother and I have to talk to him first.” He blows out a tired-sounding breath, which shows just how much he’s looking forward to that conversation. I notice now that Saul doesn’t just look like his dad. They have the same voice and the same heavy way of sighing when they’re worried. “Maybe you should just wait and let him call you later.”

“Okay.” I open the door and start to climb out.

“Oh, and Ellis….”

I stop. “Yes, sir?”

“Thanks. For not hurting Saul.”

I smile at him.
Never.

I’
M
LYING
on the sofa in the living room. The television is on, but I’m not watching. I’m amazed that I’m not afraid anymore.

It’s almost nine o’clock at night, and Mom isn’t here. Being alone in the apartment at night always freaked me out a little. Part of it was crazy little fears that someone would break into the apartment, not knowing that I’m here, and kill me or something when they see me. Part of it was that I was just so used to Mom being here, keeping everything together for us. But now she’s got this whole other life without me, and I’ve got this whole other life without her, yet we still love each other. That’s how it’s going to be when I finally move out and go off on my own. Cary’s living hundreds of miles away, but we’re still like brothers. All of that’s okay because it works. I see that now.

One of my worst fears came true today—Saul getting arrested. Outside of Mom, I always leaned on Cary for strength in times like this. I haven’t talked to Cary at all about Saul’s arrest. I don’t have to. I got through it. I survived it without having to hear Cary tell me I could. I’m still worried about Saul. There’s still a court date and whatever comes from what the judge or jury decides. There’s still the whole thing with his obsessions and compulsions and getting treatment for that. But I will survive that too. I have to be strong for Saul.

The lock suddenly clicks, the door opens, and there’s Mom. “Hi, El.” She closes the door, tosses her purse on the table, and starts getting out of her jacket, gloves, and cap.

“Hi, Mom.” I sit up on the sofa. “You look tired.”

“I just finished a double shift. I am worn out. Did you have your dinner?”

“Yeah. You want me to fix you a sandwich or something?”

“No, I’ve already eaten. If you’d get me a glass of wine, that would be great.”

I go to the kitchen and pour the wine. By the time I get back to the living room, she is sitting in the chair with her shoes off and her sock-covered feet propped on the coffee table.

“Thank you, son.” She takes the glass, takes a sip, then puts her head back and closes her eyes.

“You’re not going over to Breeze’s tonight?”

She shakes her head. “Our schedules clashed. She’s working third shift at her job tonight and tomorrow night.”

She looks so worn out. I sit on the sofa again. “Mom, I’m sorry.”

“What did you do?” she asks without opening her eyes.

“I’m sorry for all the trouble I caused you. All of it. Breeze. That thing I did at school back in ninth grade. I’m sorry for all of it.”

She sits straight up in her chair, puts the wine glass on the table, and looks at me.

“I was wrong about you and Breeze. I thought you were, like, using her or something until a guy came along again, and then you’d take up with him and Breeze would get hurt. I didn’t think you were really into women. But now I know that you are. I know you’re not using Breeze, and I’m sorry I made things tough for the two of you.”

Mom is staring at me, waiting, as if she knows I have more to say. I
do
have a lot to say, and I want to get it all out now while I’m not scared. “I feel okay about you and Breeze because now I know about you and Auntie Jeanne. And I think it’s great about you and Auntie Jeanne, only I can’t figure out why you didn’t tell me you two were in a relationship way back when.”

Mom finally seems to find her voice. “Frankly, after you got older, I thought you’d figure it out for yourself. Cary did. For Christ’s sake, why did you think you were calling a woman ‘Auntie’ when she is absolutely no blood relation to you? It’s not easy for me to discuss my sex life with you. It freaks me out, as you’d put it. I feel the same when it comes to your sex life. I want to be sure that you’re being safe, but beyond that, I don’t want to think about it.”

“You don’t have to worry. Saul and I are always safe. But I want you to know that I’m really glad you found someone who makes you happy.” I take a deep breath and plunge on. “There’s something else I have to say to you. I’m sorry about that thing I did at school. It cost you a lot of money, and I hate so much that it happened.”

“Ellis—”

“No, Mom, just let me say this. What I did was wrong, and I don’t blame you for getting mad at me. I don’t blame you for hitting me. I deserve it—”

“Stop,” Mom says flatly. “Ellis, you don’t deserve any such thing. I lost my temper with you that day. I’ve lost my temper with you many times since then. But
I
was wrong to ever hit you. I’ve been taking out my frustrations on you since that happened, and I know how wrong that is. I’ve gotten mad at other people—Jeanne, Breeze, Cary, my coworkers, even some of my customers—but I never hit any of them. So why should it be okay for me to hit you? Yes, you do stupid things from time to time, but so do I. Everyone does. I’ve been working on keeping control of myself when I get angry with you. I promise to keep working on that. And I’m so very sorry for all the times I hit you.”

I’m so shocked right now that I can’t even move. Mom reaches out her hand to me. After a moment, I take it. And in a single squeeze of our hands, there is a world of forgiveness.

I’
M
IN
bed, unable to sleep, when the call from Saul finally comes through.

“Hey.” His voice sounds worn down. “Did I wake you up?”

“No. Are you okay?”

There’s a pause. I can just about feel him shrugging over the phone. “Yeah,” he says. “Thanks for being there today. A lot of people would’ve just walked away.”

“No way I’d do that to you.”

“So… you’re not gonna dump me?”

“No, Saul. But I want you to get help.”

“I know.”

“I’m serious. I’m really worried about you. You have to do it. You have to get better.”

“I know, El. I’ll work on it.”

“You promise?”

“Yeah.”

Silence stretches between us, but that’s okay because it feels like the cozy silences that sometimes fall over us when we’re cuddling each other.

“I’m so tired,” Saul says.

“You should get some sleep.”

“I wish I was there with you.”

“I wish you were here too.”

“I can’t stay on very long. Mom’s giving me fifteen minutes, then she’s coming in and taking my phone.” He sighs. “Man. The whole thing was so dumb. I went in that store and the clerks had left this display case open. The security guard was in there to keep an eye out while the clerks transferred the store’s receipts to the safe. I grabbed a pocket watch out of the case, and the guard saw me. The store wants to press charges because the watch cost fifty bucks.”

“There’s no way a watch for sale at a gas station convenience store would cost that much.”

“Well, this one did. God, I’m so fucked up. I figured once people knew that, nobody would want me.”