I'll Be Down for You: A Bay Area Saga (4 page)

When Monty finally got in the car about twenty minutes later, he didn’t say anything. He leaned over me, put a bag underneath my seat, then turned on the car and headed toward the freeway. Right as we got ready to take the Seventh Street exit to go through the tunnel back to Alameda, Monty lowered the music and slowed down. “Fuck!” he whispered in a panicked voice. “Fuck!”

“What?!” I asked, looking over at him, slightly alarmed.

“Five-O is ridin’ me.
Fuck
. . .
and
them niggas just hit the lights.”

2005

My uncle started roaring as soon as his car doors closed. “What the fuck is wrong with you, Jazzmina?!” I knew he was mad at me when he called me by my name instead of ‘Honey’. He had just picked me up from juvenile hall, where I had to stay for a week due to Monty having dope underneath the front seat. It didn’t help matters that his ass also had a gat in the car too. He was gonna be gone for a minute, but since I was a minor with no priors, they kinda just put me on probation. “The fuck was you doin’ with that grown ass nigga in the middle of the damn day? Answer me!”

The tears were flowing down my cheeks like a rushing river. I never cried. I mean, never. But I never wanted for my uncle to be disappointed in me and that was what had happened. And all behind a nigga. I hated that shit with a passion and my whole heart hurt because I didn’t know if he would forgive me. I sobbed so hard it was difficult for me to respond. We left San Leandro and made it back to his apartment near Lake Merritt in about ten minutes flat because he was driving so fast. When we pulled up, he got out, and slammed his door.

“Hurry up and get in the house,” he instructed.

When we got inside, he grabbed a roll of paper towels from his kitchen counter and tossed it onto the coffee table. He sat on the bigger couch and I sat on the loveseat with my head down. I looked over and through blurry eyes, saw white garbage bags near the kitchen entrance. They were the same kind of white bags with the blue drawstrings that Myra used at her house. Then as I focused a little more, I realized that DJ had gotten my stuff from her. It only took a second to realize that she had put me out and probably told the County. I just hoped that they wouldn’t send me to live with nobody else.

“I’m still waiting,” my uncle said, this time calmer than all the other times. “I don’t get why you out in these streets trying to pick up where your mama left off! Fuckin’ with grown ass men. You
fifteen
, Jazzmina! That nigga need to be brought up on statutory rape charges! Does he have you sellin’ dope…?
Ass
…? What the fuck?!”

“No!” I sobbed. “I’m not sellin’ drugs! And I ain’t no hoe either! Why would you think that about me, Uncle Derrick?!”

“I don’t want to, Jazzmina. But you out here living reckless. And livin’ reckless with the wrong niggas at that! You gonna have me in jail behind these nothin’ ass niggas and I’m tryin’ to do shit to get us right!”

“I know. I wasn’t gonna see him anymore after that day, Uncle. I promise you that. I swear! When he got pulled over he was on the way to take me back to Myra’s and I was done.”

“I don’t even wanna know…” he paused briefly. “Nah…I
do
wanna know because if I need to prepare myself, then I need to know that now. Did you have sex with him and was it protected?”

I dragged my eyes away from my uncle’s glare when he asked that question, and looked toward the hallway behind him. The one thing I could never do, and
would never do
was lie to him. “I-I-I did have sex with him,” I admitted, before lowering my head to look at my lap. “It was my first time having sex.”

“Was it protected?”

Seconds turned to minutes as I prepared my answer. “Uhh . . .
no
it wasn’t protected sex. He . . . umm . . . pulled out,” I admitted through my embarrassment.

He’s gonna think I’m a dumb slut! He’s gonna hate me! I just know it!

Right in the middle of my thoughts, my uncle got up and started to pace the floor. I avoided looking directly at him for fear of seeing the disappointment in his eyes.

“Alright,” he sighed. “Let me call this chick, Eva . . . a
friend
of mine . . .” he stated. “I’m gonna have her get you to one of these clinics.” He got up from the couch, called the person Eva and set it up so she could come and take me to get checked out. I wasn’t about to tell him that they’d given me a morning after pill in juvenile hall when I ended up telling the intake counselor that I’d just lost my virginity.

“Uncle, I just wanna tell you that I’m sorry. For real, I’m sorry. I never wanted to have you look at me like I was less than, or have you look at me in a way that made you question everything you taught me. I’m better than that. I won’t be messing up again. I’m gonna make you proud.”

My uncle walked over to me and pulled me by my hands from the couch and into his arms to hug me tight. “You ain’t never gotta worry about me looking at you as less than, Honey.
Ever
. You ain’t less than shit. You a damn queen and don’t you ever forget that. Don’t you settle for less, and don’t you fuck with no nigga that make you feel like you’re less. You hear me?”

“Yes, I hear you.

“Good. I love you.”

“I love you too, Uncle.”

“And don’t worry about nothing from this point but being a young lady and finishing school. Those are the
only
two responsibilities you have.”

“Okay. That’s my stuff over there. She put me out, didn’t she? Where’s the County sending me next?”

“They ain’t sending you anywhere. You stayin’ with me. Fuck the foster care. You home now.”

Present Day

“
You home now
. . .”

I remember my uncle saying those words like it was yesterday. He saved my life. He made life better for me. He told me that I was a queen and to never settle for less. He taught me everything a real father would teach their daughter—from fighting to self-esteem, and everything in between. “
I love you forever, Uncle Derrick
,” I uttered quietly.

I looked around taking in the entire scene, but I was so disconnected. It was a repast that shouldn’t have been. Even though I was right there, I felt like an observer on the outside looking in. I had far too many people coming up to me, giving me hugs. I didn’t want to be touched and I didn’t want to be talked to either. But it was everywhere. They wanted to hug and kiss and let me know that if there was anything I ever needed that they were only a phone call away. But I wasn’t interested in anybody being there for me because the person who had been there for me my entire life, would never be there again. I wouldn’t ever see him smile. I wouldn’t ever hear him call my name. I wouldn’t have him surprise me by showing up on campus to take me to a niece/uncle getaway. My uncle, the only father I had ever known, was no longer there. Those dirty muthafuckas, whoever they were—when they took him, they took a part of me too. I already knew that my life would forever be changed.

“Hey sweetie,” I heard my aunt say from the side of me. Actually, Eva isn’t my aunt; she was my uncle’s live-in girlfriend and had been for the past nine years. So, I guess you could say that she’s my aunt, only I didn’t address her as that. She knew my position. I would only call a woman ‘Auntie’ out loud when she became my uncle’s wife, and since that hadn’t happened, she had been ‘Eva’—no title.

“Hey…” I responded without making eye contact. I already knew that she would have tears in her eyes and I wasn’t ready to see that. I still needed time to process and crying wouldn’t allow me to do that. I looked over her shoulder for Khalil, but didn’t see him. I was hoping he would come to my rescue and usher her out of my space. “How much longer is everyone gonna be here?” I asked her. “I kinda wanna lay down for a bit, but don’t want to be rude.”

“Aww, baby, there’s not a person here who wouldn’t understand if you went to lie down.” She rubbed my shoulder and went to pull me into a hug, but I tensed up on her. She recognized what I was doing and released me, and just stroked the side of my face. “You know I’m here whenever you’re ready to talk. It’s just you and me now and we’re all each other has, so whenever…and I mean
whenever
you want to talk, I’m here.”

I looked over at her with an unplanned lingering stare. I took in all her features. Eva was a beautiful woman, and I could see why my uncle made her the main chick. With her deep chocolate skin, equally dark eyes, long straight hair and a svelte frame, she was vastly different than the women I had seen him with over the years. And she was educated, which made all the difference with him. A boss always wants a woman with some smarts so that if he ever needed her to lend knowledge on the business aspect of his conglomerate, she could. My uncle had that in Eva.

“You hear me, Jazz?” she queried.

“I heard you. I’m good.”

“You’re
not
good, baby.”

“Of course I’m not good, Eva,” I snapped. “Of course I’m not good. I just said that because right now, I’m good on conversation. I’m good on all these people. I’m good on you trying to get me to share feelings when I’m still trying to get used to the fact that DJ won’t be anywhere in the flesh. Okay? So, like I said, I’m good.”

She nodded her head in agreement, and slowly withdrew from my personal space. “I understand. I’m going to give you your space.”

When she turned to walk back toward some of the people gathered, I took off in the opposite direction. I turned around once more to look back at all the fake gatherers made up of family that neither I nor DJ had seen in years. The three great aunts and two great uncles that were too busy to take me in when I needed somewhere to go. Three older cousins who said out of their own mouths that they were too afraid that the apple wouldn’t fall far from the tree and that they just weren’t prepared to take me in, in case that happened to be what happened. They could all go to hell for all I cared. The only reason they’d shown up now was because DJ had ‘made it’ and they had hoped that somehow they could take advantage of his demise. But that shit would
not
happen. Not on my watch.

I didn’t know where it was that I wanted to retreat to, but I knew that I wanted to be somewhere that was comfortable and that was all him, and his office was just that place. The moment I walked inside, a comforting shielded me. I closed the door behind me and almost instantly, I relaxed because it was like I got to close everybody out. I leaned against the door and allowed my lids to close, and as soon as I did, the room came alive with DJ’s scent. I imagined him sitting at his desk, leaned back in his chair laughing on the phone, or tapping some keys on the computer to check in on financials from any one of his businesses. I smiled at the memory. His presence was so strong because of the lingering fragrance of the large space. No matter how long he had the office, it still smelled of new leather, Creed cologne, and Gurkha His Majesty.

I walked across the large room over to the big leather chair that was pushed against his desk, pulled it out, sat down and leaned my head into the backing. “Can’t believe you’re gone, Uncle Derrick…” I said, aloud. I leaned forward and picked up the glass-framed picture staring back at me. It was a picture with me and him in Vegas last month. It was another
just because
trip that he took me on to get some of the stress of my classes off of me. I set the picture back down and looked at all the others. We really were tight-knit. The picture scene told that story. On the mantel, there were pictures with family members that I hadn’t seen since I was a little girl, and even one with my uncle and his two sisters, one of which was my egg donor. I hadn’t seen her since I was around eight, when she left me with her friend, who later turned me over to foster care. But I won’t go there. And my auntie, the oldest of all of them lived in Canada in some high profile lifestyle, and was too good to come to the West Coast for anything—apparently, even her own brother’s funeral. But whatever, because at the end of the day, all I ever needed was DJ. He gave me all the love and support to make me into the person that I had become.

Now, there I sat in silence unable to surrender to crying, or weakening at the knees for a love lost, because all I could think of was about how the fuck I was gonna find out who did this shit and make them pay. The way my mind was set up was that if you came for my uncle, then you came for me. They took a part of my life, and I wanted to take all of theirs. I didn’t know how it would happen or even where I would start, I just knew that I wouldn’t be able to relax until the person or
persons
responsible for putting this big ass void in my heart, was assassinated in the cruelest way possible. I also knew that unless they could die at my own hands that it wouldn’t really be total justice. I had never in my life wanted to commit murder, but that had changed. I’d fought enough in my time, but to actually end someone’s life; no. But I wanted to. I needed to see them breathe their last breath. I needed to see fear in their eyes. I needed to hear them beg for mercy because that would make the punishment even worse for them. To hear my uncle’s murderer or murderers begging for their life would make my entire life worth living.

I kicked my stilettos off underneath my uncle’s desk, opened his desk drawer and pulled out the remote control to turn on the large mounted screen TV. Of course, the channel was already set to VH1. I chuckled.
Of course
! My uncle was a businessman in every sense of the word, but he was also from the hood and enjoyed the ratchet just as much as the rest of us. But his ass would never admit it in a thousand years. I stretched my legs, wiggled my toes to get comfortable, and watched
Black Ink Crew
’s last week’s episode play out in front of me. Before long, my attention drifted away from the television. I reopened the desk drawer and went to grab the remote for the Bose stereo system that sat behind glass in the mahogany entertainment center. My hand was on the remote when it fell against something that felt like a soft vibration. I jerked my hand back real quick and shrieked out loud.
What the hell?
My reflexes caused me to push back away from the desk. I lowered my head at eye level with the desk so that I could look into the drawer without reaching inside again, and I could see a blue light illuminating. I reached and slowly pulled the drawer out a little bit so I could get a better view. When I saw that it was a cell phone, I felt stupid! I mean, what else could it be? I guess I was just on edge with everything that was happening.

I pulled back up to the desk then reached inside the drawer and grabbed the device. I was surprised when I was able to swipe the screen and there wasn’t a code on it. Must not have been anything too urgent because I couldn’t imagine my uncle not password protecting all his shit.
Especially
what I was guessing was an extra phone line. The display read eighteen missed calls and nineteen text messages—all from the same number.
Damn
. I was about to click on the yellow envelope but then decided to call the number back first. I wanted to know what this person was calling for and who they were.

On the very first ring, a panicked voice picked up the line. “Derrick!” she cried. “Where the fuck have you been?! I’ve been call—”

“Wait a second,” I interrupted. “Who…who is this?” I stammered.

There was an immediate pause on the line when the woman heard my voice. If I wasn’t mistaken, I could swear that I heard her gasp. “
Hello
…
?
” I repeated. “
Who is this
?”

“I’m sorry! I must have the wrong—”

“Don’t do that!” I shouted into the phone. Standing from the chair I began pacing with the phone to my ear. “You
know
damn well that you don’t have the wrong number! Nobody calls the
wrong
number eighteen times and sends just as many text messages. Stop fuckin’ around! This is Derrick’s niece.
Please
tell me who you are.”

A part of me was desperate. I wanted to know who could possibly be calling my uncle on a secret ass phone. I waited patiently even though my patience was wearing thin with this broad. My heartbeat was rapid as I paced the carpet barefoot waiting for her to say something. As badly as I wanted to push her for a response, I decided not to because she could easily hang up and then I wouldn’t know shit.

“His niece, Honey?” she queried. There was a lot of urgency in her voice.

Now, I’m really tripping because she knows my nickname. How in the hell?

I stopped dead in my tracks. “
Yes
,” I confirmed
.
“Do I know you?” I asked slowly.

“No,” she replied, softly. “Your uncle talks about you all the time. I’m sorry for going quiet on you when you first answered the phone.”

“Don’t trip. I think I know why you did.”

“Is your uncle around by chance? I
really
need to talk to him about something,” she stated cryptically. Her voice was strained and I could hear her anxiety.

“What’s your name?” I asked her.

“My name is Dani. Danielle, but people call me Dani.”

“Okay, well, Dani . . .
no
. My uncle isn’t around.”

When she suddenly began crying, it didn’t surprise me. I could tell that she was holding back on her emotions. “Can you please have him call me as soon as he can? I’ve been calling him for almost a week and he hasn’t called me back. I
really
need to talk . . . to him.” At the finale of her request, she began to sob uncontrollably.

“Dani, listen, I’m not sure who you are to my uncle or what is going on with you guys; and because of that, I’m kinda reluctant to really say anything to you. But I can hear your hurt through the phone and it’s obvious that something is . . .
was
going on between you two.”

“Not, was . . .
is
,” she corrected.

“Dani, my uncle was murdered last week. His funeral was today.”

The pause was long. I walked back over to the chair to have a seat preparing myself for any questions she might have that I was prepared to answer. But as seconds turned to minutes, I called her name. “Dani . . .”

And then, “
Nooooo
!” was the last thing I heard come from her in a deep, painful wail.