I'll Be Seeing You (22 page)

"She was really sick last week, and I diagnosed her flare-ups to a diseased retina that needs to be replaced," I explain.

"And she's going to let you do that?" Brian says, shock in his voice.

"Yes. She has no choice. The possibility of her developing other health issues related to her retina is too big to ignore any longer. She understands that now because she has never had anyone explain it to her before."

"Brian, what I’m about to say must not leave this car, but I need your help," I say, looking at him in my rearview mirror.

"Understood."

Looking over at Jessie, I begin my explanation. "I believe, without a doubt, that I can cure Joy's eyesight."

Shocked for the second time, he nearly stammers, "She'll never let you do it."

"I know. That's why I need your help. When it comes time to tell her, which I plan on doing after the first of the year, I will need your help to convince her."

"She won't let you. She's had so many broken promises already. Do you know they opened her skull once? That’s something she won't do again."

"I don’t need to do that. Just tell me you’ll help me rather than tell me she won't allow it," I say. "I know I can make her see again." I pause at that very thought. "Can you imagine that? Having her look you in the eyes?" I am in awe of the very thought. "But right now it's her stubbornness standing in the way. Don’t get me wrong, I can understand that. Nobody should have given her these false promises. When I make a promise to her, I’ll mean it."

"All right. When it comes time, I’ll help you if you need it, but you have a fight on your hands. I assume you’ll only need my help as a last resort, right?” I acknowledge his question with a nod. “You seem to be a very persuasive guy."

I have to chuckle at that. I know I have my work cut out for me, and I plan to use this time to prepare my plan of attack. I might even resort to an intervention with all of her friends invited.

"Thanks. Let's get what we need for some ice cream, shall we?" I say, pulling into the busy parking lot of the local grocery store.

~.~

After making ten pies, the girls sit down to sample Maddie's flaky crust.

"See, Maddie, I knew you could do it," I say, moaning at the taste. "This is really good. Just the way Brian likes it, too, and you've nailed the filling."

"Thanks for your help, Joy. Crust and I have been at war far too long. I wound up using that ready-made crust you buy in a box. It still wasn't good, but it was way better than mine."

"Well, this is perfect," Laura pipes in, filling her mouth with a big bite. "We are so going to need to diet after this weekend … except for Joy. She never gains a pound. Bitch."

"Hey, I can't help that I'm blessed with a great metabolism."

"Yeah, you kinda do have the perfect body, Joy," Maddie adds.

"Thanks, guys. I am lucky. I like being able to eat anything I want and not having to exercise afterward. But I'll watch you if it makes you feel better," I say, giggling behind my hand.

"Matthew seems to like it enough. He can't keep his hands off you. You should have seen him when you were sick the other night,” Laura recalls. “He was so worried about you, and any guy that will sit in a tub of cold water with you while you’re sick is all right in my book."

"Yeah, he's the best," I muse.

"Joy, he really loves you, you know? Has he told you the story of Emma?" Maddie asks. I nod, and she continues. "He was really damaged by her. He was very much in love with her and thought she returned those feelings. When he learned that it was all a show, and her only desire was to have 'the perfect life' with both him and her being in the medical field, she only saw dollar signs and the glitter that came along with it. Anyway, you are the first person he's ever let in for over ten years."

"Ten years?" I ask, stunned at hearing this. "He's such a kind person too; certainly there have been others?"

"Nope. He never let anyone in. He said that he watched you for three months before he got the nerve to talk to you. I think that's kind of sweet," she giggles.

"I really love him, you know? He takes care of me and allows me to be myself. He respects and understands my handicap. I have found that I don't know what I would do without him in my life now. I've been so used to being alone, and to have someone that loves me and cares about my wellbeing is new to me, but I couldn't live one day without him in it."

"And he's good in bed," Laura adds, scraping her plate.

"Okay, that's way too much information," Maddie says, loudly. "I do not need to know about my brother's sex life."

"Yeah, Laura. That's only between you and me, all right?" I say. I can feel the blush hit my cheeks as we speak. I smile at the fond memories I have of Matthew's and my first time.

"I guess this little circle of ours is off limits with the sex talk, isn't it?" Maddie pouts. "I can't talk to Joy about her sex life because it's with my brother, and I can't talk to Laura about mine because it's about her brother. It's a vicious cycle and it sounds boring."

"And I taught Joy everything she knows," Laura gloats.

"Yes, you have, and Matthew thanks you." I giggle.

"Well, this will make for a very boring girls night out, won't it?" I sigh. "Either you both accept your brothers are having great sex and hear about it, or we talk about the weather. It's your choice."

I can feel the awkwardness permeate the air.

"I do not want to know what size dick my brother has," Laura cries.

"Deal, and vice versa," Maddie agrees. "We can do this."

Once we agree that we will indeed have free and open sex talk, we hear the garage door open and clean up our conversation, laughing about it when the boys walk in.

"What?" Matthew asks. All three of us burst out laughing even harder. I wish I could see the look on his face. That thought makes me stop laughing, and when I do, Matthew is at my side instantly.

"What is it, Joy?" he asks, feeling my cheeks for a fever.

It is the first time I have allowed myself to wish that I could see since I was a little girl. 

After Matthew tucks me in for a nap on his comfortable couch in the library, he builds a fire, kisses my forehead, and quietly shuts the door.

Running my hands through my hair, feeling the strands flow through my fingers, my mind begins to drift between sleep and reality.

It's been such a long time since I've allowed my thoughts to go there, but lately they have, whether I want them to or not. Matthew has planted the seed and now it's on my mind constantly, and I don't like it. I don't like to dream and wish for something that is far beyond my reach.

The desire to see again.

Feeling my memories rise to the surface, I don’t want to think about it. I don't like to think about it because it's just too painful to look back. My eyes slowly close out of the need for sleep, and as I drift between reality and twilight, I remember that very first day I woke from the coma. I had been out for over thirty days. I remember how badly my head hurt with a pain I will never forget. The rhythmic throbbing pulsed even in my fingertips. It became the only thing to focus on. If I focused on the pain, it didn't hurt as bad. Once, I tried to open my eyes, but they were taped shut. I wanted to see where I was. I wanted my daddy.

"Daddy! DADDY!" I screamed over and over until my throat got sore. But my daddy never came. My mama never came either. Where was everyone?

I heard the sound of someone running. The sound got louder and louder until someone was touching me. "Joy? Joy, I'm Nurse Smith. You were in a car accident and are in the hospital. Can you hear me? Do you remember anything?"

"Where's my mama and daddy? I want my daddy," I yelled between heavy sobs.

"The doctor will be right here. He will explain everything to you," Nurse Smith said, trying to calm me.

"My head hurts," I cried. "Make it stop."

Then, I heard a man's voice as he walked up to my bed.

"Joy, I'm Dr. Jenkins. You were in an accident and were badly injured, sweetheart. A car hit the front of your parent's car, and you were thrown into the front seat and hit the dashboard. Do you remember that?"

"No. No. I don't remember. Are my parents here, too? I want them to come here. Can you take these Band-Aids off my eyes now?" I tried to pull them off and felt large pads over my eyes. What are all these tubes coming out of my arm?

"No, Joy," Dr. Jenkins exclaimed, pulling my hands away from my eyes. "Joy? I need you to calm down, and I will tell you about your parents."

After he said that, I took a deep breath. "Will you bring them here to me?"

"Joy, dear, I'm so sorry, but your parents didn't make it," he said close to my ear. "The car that ran into the front of yours hit so hard that your parents were killed instantly."

I hated him the moment he said those words to me. Why would he say such a thing? Why would he lie to me like that? I tried to get out of bed, but as soon as I moved, I felt weak, and I couldn't stay awake any longer as if someone had given me drugs. I woke up to a familiar, soothing voice talking to me. I recognized that voice. It was my Gran, reading me my favorite story. I can't remember when I finally quit crying, but Gran held me until I did. All I know was that I wanted my mama and daddy back.

I still do. I feel the beginnings of the all too familiar tightening in my chest. That feeling of loss always appears when I allow myself that rare memory of the two people I love and miss the most. I swiftly brush away a lone tear that escapes down my cheek. Closing my eyes, my mind drifts back to that time once again.

Once they remove the bandages from my eyes, I was told I was blind. I didn’t believe them because I could still see light and shapes. I just knew I would get better. I would show them how wrong they were.

After endless tests and examinations of my eyes and brain, I couldn't take it anymore. Eventually, the light faded until I couldn't see the sun anymore. At the tender age of twelve, I accepted a fate that was devastating to me.

Over a period of six years, the painful surgeries proved to be too much. I remember lying in bed, crying before each operation. I didn't want to do it anymore. It was when they shaved my hair off and cut a hole in my head, I was done. I vowed that I would never have another surgery. I would rather remain sightless than keep this up for the rest of my life.

Shortly after I moved into Gran's house, Laura and Brian came into my life. We were the best of friends from the minute they came over to play with me. I would pace my bedroom until they got home from school. I missed them every day.

When it became necessary to shave my hair off, Laura knitted me small colorful caps to cover my bald head. Those caps were a popular item and everyone wanted one. I believe that was the start of Laura's career in fashion.

After the accident, my grandmother opened and handled a trust fund for me, using the money from my parents' insurance policies. The person who killed my parents paid my medical expenses. He lived. Gran said that he wasn't drunk, but he was reckless. He stupidly bent over to retrieve a soda can that spilled onto the passenger floor. As he bent over, his foot inadvertently pressed the gas, and his hand turned the wheel slightly, causing his car to drift directly into the path of my parents.

With that money, Gran paid for my education and enrolled me in a school exclusively for the visually impaired. There, I learned how to be independent and function in the real world. I had to learn how to do things all over again — how to eat, bathe, and find my way around inside my home as well as outside. Because of my fear of the unknown, it took me a while, but I did it. Gran rearranged her home to accommodate me, and for eight years, it never changed. She learned to tag all my clothes properly, so that I could dress myself without anyone having to pick my clothes out for me or select matching shoes.

It was another tough time for me when she passed away last year. Laura and Brian are the only family I have now, since they became part of me a long time ago.

Then I got my first Seeing Eye dog, Kelly. I fell in love with her immediately. She was my best friend. She went everywhere with me, and when she died unexpectedly, I was devastated. I even questioned whether living beings were safe around me; I felt like I had a curse or something. For most of my teen years, I held onto the juvenile thoughts that anyone close to me would die. A guilt that still haunts me to this day — why did my parents die and why am I still alive?

On top of everything else, all through high school, I suffered those dreadful fevers. Each time I had a flare-up, I ended up in the hospital and each time, they ran the same tests over and over. I loathed it. I loathed the needles, the X-rays, the MRI's and the CT Scans. I most especially hated the foul-smelling breath of each doctor that had to look into my dead eyes. Every time they ran the same boring tests, they asked the same stupid questions … "How long have you been blind?" … 'How did it happen?', 'Are your parents living?' I just wanted to yell, "Read my fucking file, moron!"

I guess it was easier to ask questions first than it was to read my file. All I know is that it was an infection causing the high fevers, but no one could find the cause.

I believe one of the more difficult times of my teen years was when Laura and Brian left for college. I felt very alone then. It wasn't like me to brood or sulk, but my grandmother sensed my sadness and researched colleges for the visually impaired, and that's when I earned my degree in communications. I knew it would be difficult landing a job, but I did learn how to use computer equipment for the visually impaired, and I had fun going to school. I met a lot of nice people like me and that's, also, when I had the misfortune of meeting Mike.

Mike worked in the maintenance department of the University I attended. He was there at every corner. At the time, I thought it was flattering. I had never had a boy flirt with me before, and I was naïve, but now, as an adult, it was just creepy. I would use the railing along the walls to guide me around the corridors leading to my classes, and Mike would materialize at the strangest times, blocking my passage. Even then, my senses were very keen, yet I wouldn't hear or smell him as he approached.

After tiring of his persistence, I finally gave in and went out with him. We would listen to music, take walks, or he would read to me. Sometimes, I would read to him. He said he liked it when I read to him because he thought my lips were sexy. He said I had a pretty mouth. I enjoyed the attention he gave me. He made me feel pretty, but at the same time, he was always trying to push our relationship to the next level. When he thought we had reached the 'I think we should make love' level, I refused. I began to feel uncomfortable around him. At one point, I was concerned about being alone in a room with him. He always wanted sex, but I wasn't ready. The time he tried to force himself on me was the last straw. Kelly attacked him and dragged him off me, and I never saw him again.

During one of Brian's spring breaks, he told me about a position he'd heard of at Radiant Audio. They were looking for someone to convert books to audiotape, and he thought it might be the perfect job for me. I was so excited at the possibility of a real job, I couldn't wait to apply. After he gave me the information, and with Laura's help, I prepared my first resume and mailed it in. Every day, for three weeks, I checked my mailbox for a reply letter and then checked my phone for any missed calls ... nothing. Then, one afternoon while I was preparing to forward my resume to a local radio station, I received a call from Mr. White at Radiant. After a twenty-minute phone conversation, he said that he would like to meet me for a face-to-face interview.

After an hour-long meeting, he offered me the position. He said that, providing I purchased my own equipment, I could work from home and send my audio transmissions to Radiant through a special email program. I could not have asked for a more perfect opportunity. I baked a cherry pie for Brian that day and that began his obsession for the pastry.

Laura told me about an apartment that was for sale in the yuppie district of Seattle. Not wanting to upset my grandmother, we secretly went to look at it, and I fell in love with it. After we finished looking through the apartment, she took Conrad and me for a walk around the neighborhood, pointing out the local landmarks. There was a farmer's market that was bustling with busy shoppers, a pet store, and various other shops, all within a short walking distance from the apartment. But when we entered the Van Gogh Café, I knew I had to have the apartment. When Laura and I walked into the café and sat down at the table near the window to enjoy a cup of Cappuccino, I felt a calm come over me. I sensed a warm presence in the room. I knew, even then, that someone was watching me.

The trust transferred into my name when I turned twenty-one, so at the age of twenty-four, I bought my first home.

After I moved into the apartment, Brian installed the equipment in my home office while Laura and I shopped for new furniture. That was the most fun part for me. Listening as Laura, a buyer at a major fashion chain, did what she did best — bargained and bartered. The impressive part is she was successful at getting me the best for less along with free delivery.

The sound of the door opening unexpectedly, interrupts my reverie and my body stiffens.

"I thought this would be a nice quiet place to talk. Do you want to start first?" Laura says, startling me out of my dreamy thoughts.

I lay still and quiet, wondering if I should say anything. They've needed this time for so long, I hate to interrupt it.

"Well, it's been so good between us these past few days, Laura, I don't know if I want to start something that could end up badly."

"Yeah, they have been good, haven't they? I would like to know why, Jessie? Why you did what you did," she asks, cutting to the chase. "I thought you were a better person than that. You let me down and disappointed me."

"Fuck, I don't know, Laura. I guess it's just the way I am … um … was. I don't want to be that way with you anymore. I haven't met anyone until now that I wanted to change for," he says, letting out a deep sigh.

"Were you fucking other women while you were with me?"

I really should let them know I'm here, but I really want to hear this.

"I won't lie to you, Laura, but … yes. I know it won't help, but it was only once," he finally says after a long pause. "It was just after we met, and I wasn't even sure if you and I were anything more than just friends with benefits, you know? I didn't realize, until recently, that my feelings for you had changed."

"Have you been tested? I swear to God, Jessie, if you give me a disease, I will cut your dick off at the quick, and no one will be able to tell you even had one." I bring the blanket to my face to stifle a giggle.

"No, I'm clean. I swear. I cover up every time, Laura, you know that. Matthew and I get tested all the time at the clinic." At the mention of Matthew's name, my ears perk up.

"Is Matthew like this, too? Is he sleeping around on Joy?" Laura asks, concern and shock in her voice. My body freezes, and I can't move to save my life.

"Matthew was very … active … before he met Joy, but he's totally in love with her. He would never cheat on her." I breathe a sigh of relief, praying they don’t hear me.

"Laura, I swear to you, I will never hurt you again. You own me, body and soul. I don't want anyone else. I promise you with everything that I am," he confesses.