Imminence (8 page)

She got up and started pacing to and fro. At times she stopped and began to talk, but broke off in frustration and resumed her pacing. I was afraid. Clarissa was no small child who might be comforted with bedtime stories, and I could see there were about a million questions she wanted to ask. Finally she stopped in front of me and pointed an accusing finger at me.

“Are you saying you can explain why a big bunch of dangerous-looking men intruded in my bedroom in the middle of the night? Can you tell me who they are? Who is Adam? What is the change from wolf to man, and can it be real? Mother! This is too much! Really too much! Say something or I’ll wake Dad up! Right now!” Clarissa stared resolutely into my eyes and I saw how close to tears she was.

We both knew Clarissa would by no means wake David up. She loved her father and wanted to sort this matter out without letting David find out anything that might hurt him. At the very least, Gunward’s presence here and the fact that I knew him well required an explanation and even though Clarissa herself didn’t know it yet, I knew she would belong to Adam from this moment on if he decided he wanted her. Clarissa couldn’t know Adam had lived most of his life as a wolf. For her, Adam was something different, fascinating and exciting. Danger fascinated her and I knew that boys her own age would seem all too dull and ordinary to her now that she had met Adam. How could any other boy match Adam? Not even the other young shape shifters were as tantalizingly dangerous as he was. Everything about him screamed danger. He was a rebel, a handsome man, and yet very vulnerable. I didn’t know how long he’d spent in a human body and how much experience he had of human girls, but at least for now he was fascinated by Clarissa and that truly scared me.

“Clarissa,” I began with caution. “This is as real as you think. Strange and dangerous things do happen in reality and they aren’t always nice things.” I looked at Clarissa with tenderness.

“This is my reality. Has been for a long time. I wanted to keep you apart from that reality, because I was stupid and thought I could escape my past, but that’s not possible. For years I thought it was, but now I have to face my own nightmares.” I reached out to touch Clarissa's hand, but she quickly drew it away.

“I’m only sorry you got into danger because of me. Those men in your room were every bit as dangerous as you think they were. I was absolutely terrified when you rose to challenge Adam. I was sure Gunward would have to interfere to prevent Adam from tearing your throat, or that I would have to challenge Adam. Come to think of it, why did you do it?” I asked, a hint of anger in my voice.

Clarissa was still staring at me challengingly, but her hard shell was beginning to crack and she chewed nervously on her lower lip.

“It doesn’t matter. How did those men know to come here and what did they want of me? Why did you call that black-haired guy Adam and who’s Gunward? Who are you really?” Clarissa burrowed deeper in the couch and wrapped her arms defensively around herself.

“It does matter. More than you think. I don’t know exactly who Adam is. If I did, I’d definitely not let him anywhere near you. You downright melted into his arms. Didn’t you see how dangerous he is?” My voice rose a notch and I felt a whiff of panic in my mind.

I was absolutely certain that if I couldn't make my daughter listen to me, she would do something very stupid. Just to spite me. I squeezed my eyes shut for a moment and continued in a calmer voice.

“Gunward is a very old friend of mine, who did something terrible once and I left him for that reason. Now he’s back and I don’t know if he has any intention of getting out of my life.” I knew I didn't sound convincing. The warmth that had crept into my voice when I mentioned Gunward had exposed me. But I trusted Clarissa was still too upset to notice everything that happened around her, so I didn't care.

“I know it’s unbelievable to see an animal transform into a human being, but it’s true. There’s a grain of truth in all old fables and legends, including werewolf stories. We’re not werewolves, though. We’re wolves who can change shape,” I said with pride.

“The human form was our own choice and I don’t think most shape shifters are ever capable of such a major change. The change takes a lot of energy and you always lose a part of yourself when you shift shape.”

I felt my eyes glow with excitement. It was thrilling to share my secret with Clarissa and I had to do my utmost to not change into a wolf against my own volition. I knew there was already a hint of yellow in my eyes and it would only be a matter of time before they turned completely lupine. I stifled the twitching in my belly. It was one thing to tell your child you were a shape shifter, but quite another to actually shift into a wolf in front of her. I sighed and kicked the edge of the couch. The pain in my foot would direct my thoughts elsewhere for at least a while, and the change would stop as quickly as it had begun.

“Only the strongest shape shifter wolves can take an entirely different form and remain in it for years, and most shape shifters can only manage minor changes.” I sighed and rubbed my sore foot.

“Adam is a beast, as are all the other men who were in your room. I’m like them, but I’ve lived as a human for much longer than those young men. You must understand that although Adam looks human, he’s a predator deep down. A wolf, who respects only the laws of wolves. He doesn’t understand human rules of dating. If he wants you, he’ll hunt you until you give in, and I won’t permit that!”

Clarissa blushed and lowered her eyes. I knew she had already lost a part of her heart to Adam. Now my task was to make her believe that was wrong, though deep in my heart I knew she had belonged to Adam from the moment they had laid eyes on each other. Clarissa might not have realized it herself, but the hunt would be easy for Adam because his prey had already surrendered.

“Mother,” Clarissa said hesitantly, “Do you believe it’s possible to fall in love with someone so quickly? I don’t even know him, but it feels like my whole being has always waited for him. If he asked me to go with him, I’d go without a moment’s doubt,” Clarissa lifted her head and regarded me with a stubborn look in her eyes.

“I don’t see him as a wolf, I see him as a man. Do you understand? I’m scared to death of him but I still want to be with him, to follow him wherever he wants to go,” Her voice softened and a dreamy expression illuminated her face.

“I don’t care what he is and I don’t care what you are. You’re my mother and if Adam is anything like you, I’d only be proud to be with him.”

Oh, my God! I would have to be very careful now.

“Clarissa, do you realize what you’re saying? That man is extremely dangerous. I can’t forbid you to go near him because I know you won’t obey me, but I wish with all my heart he understands enough to leave you alone. Gunward certainly won’t let him come here again,” I got up and stared at Clarissa in disbelief. “What if Adam decides to take the shape of a wolf permanently? Would you follow him to the North even if you couldn’t have him as a human? What if he gets angry with you and loses control? He’s capable of ripping your throat open within seconds and tearing you to shreds!” I shouted.

Did she really not understand? I let out a grunt and forced myself to sit down again. I knew shouting wouldn't help now. I silently counted to ten.

“He’s not a pet you can scratch and cuddle when you feel like it. He’s a wild wolf, do you understand? A wolf, not a human being! Clarissa, you have to listen to me carefully and try to forget him. You don’t even know what love is! Please promise me you’ll stay away from him,” I said with extreme patience.

“Who’s Gunward? That man whose arms
you
melted in? I’m sure Dad wouldn’t like you falling into another man’s embrace, and why would Adam do as this Gunward says? Adam is certainly much stronger than Gunward and if Adam wants to be with me, I don’t think anyone can stop him.”

“Clarissa!” I exclaimed, frustrated.

How could I make my teenage daughter understand the gravity of the situation? In the soft candlelight, the terrors of the night were beginning to fade out of memory, and Clarissa had evidently already painted a romantic mental picture of a gorgeous young man with whom she now thought herself in love. But Adam could not be trifled with. He would not be like other young men and if stricken by jealousy, he might do something truly appalling. Moreover, Clarissa didn’t realize Adam wanted her for himself for the rest of his life. She wouldn’t be able to date him for a few months and then decide she didn’t want a relationship. I felt like tearing my hair!

“Don’t you even have anything to say about the fact that I’m a wolf?” I shrieked quietly.

“Gunward and I are very old shape shifter wolves and although I’ve lived for a long time as a human, I can transform into a wolf in seconds. Doesn’t that honestly bother you at all?” My face reflected absolute desperation and I hoped Clarissa would be at least a little more frightened, understanding that all I had told her was true.

Clarissa shrugged negligently. I knew she itched to tell her friends about the night’s events. For once she would have something really exciting to tell. Her thoughts wandered far from me and she could hardly wait to show off her new, handsome almost boyfriend. The others would die of jealousy. I had to stop her.

“You have to swear to me you won’t tell anyone what has happened tonight or who I am. Can you do that?” I looked sternly at Clarissa.

Clarissa regarded me for a long while, but then nodded lightly. I was not quite certain whether I could trust her promise, but there were no better assurances to be had right now. Suddenly Clarissa’s expression brightened and she gave me a sly look.

“If I had friends like yours, you’d already have chained me to the wall. Mother, that man is definitely not your friend and if you think he is, you’re really blind!”

Now it was my turn to blush. Even my sixteen-year-old daughter had seen through me. How could I explain to her that it was possible to love two men at least equally, without her taking it to mean I had betrayed David? How could I describe my feelings towards Gunward? I knew Clarissa had never seen men as handsome as those she’d seen in her room tonight, and Gunward was one of those. David was also very handsome - a Scandinavian blond human male with bright blue eyes - but Gunward radiated unchecked danger far and wide, and that made his handsome looks absolutely irresistible.

“Did I tell you I’ve known Gunward for years before I met your father?” I began carefully.

“Gunward and I, it’s very complicated, but believe me when I say that we are no more than friends at this time. You do know I love your father.”

“You love him, too,” Clarissa said quietly.

How perceptive my daughter was. I looked at her and whispered, “Yes, I do. Very much.”

“Mother, I’m not going to ask you to explain. I’m going to just trust you this time, but I hope someday you’ll trust me and tell me everything. No bedtime stories – the truth,” Clarissa gave me a wan smile.

“Yesterday I would’ve insisted you explain Gunward, but now that I’ve met Adam and I know it’s really possible to fall irrevocably in love at first sight, I can’t demand more explanations from you. I’ll have to think about this by myself for a while.”

I hugged my daughter tightly. I would have to make sure Adam would get nowhere near Clarissa, and for that I would need Gunward’s help. I would also have to tell David. I sighed and left the room. I knew Clarissa would sit in the soft couch for a long time still, a dreamy look on her young face, but right now I could do nothing besides trust her to come to her senses.

I crept to our bedroom and slipped next to David in bed. I stroked my husband’s forehead and wished for a moment that Gunward didn’t exist. Soon, though, the image of a dark, handsome man filled my mind and I knew I could never live without Gunward. I had made my choice, but the mere knowledge that Gunward was nearby comforted me. I kissed David tenderly and curled up against his back. I enjoyed the warmth of his skin and the ease with which he let me near him. I knew he’d be furious when he heard what I had to tell, but I needed this moment for myself and I simply enjoyed being near him. David turned onto his back and drew me into his arms. We stayed close until the faint sound of music from the living room woke David up completely.

I was left with no choice but to tell everything. David was utterly furious. Was it not enough that Gunward had assaulted him? Now our children were targets and because of me, neither of them was safe any longer. I tried to defend myself, but I knew he was right. Enraged, David started throwing clothes into his suitcase and when it was so full that he had trouble closing it, he grabbed it and marched out. I slumped down on the bed, knowing he had gone to Clarissa. Even though I hadn’t actually asked Clarissa to keep tonight’s events from David, I silently hoped she would tell him a sanitized version. However, a roar from the living room revealed she had not. I crawled back into bed and buried myself under the soft duvet. I waited for morning to break so I could go out into the forest with my dogs. I needed space for myself, but I didn’t yet dare leave my family unprotected from the other shape shifters. A few more hours and I could be sure that Gunward had led his pack far enough from us.

I had been walking in the forest for hours. Flow and Bruun ran listlessly beside me. Even their enthusiasm was waning. All the scents were already familiar to them and they felt the same lethargy as I did. I didn’t want to go home. I knew David would have packed the rest of his things by now and left with the girls, and I couldn’t blame him for that. At first I had been angry at him for deciding to leave me alone, but I, too, was worried about the safety of our family. I knew now that Gunward had belittled the danger and had kept a lot from me. There was rebellion in the air, and expectation of change, and my family had no way of protecting themselves from an enraged pack of wolves. Only I would be safe, and that only because Gunward would fight for me. However now Adam and the other males knew my weak spot, and they would only need to threaten my children or my husband to make me yield without resistance. Perhaps David was right and this was the right solution, but it didn’t feel like it and I felt hurt.