Imminence (9 page)

I slowly dragged my steps to our yard. Our entire home seemed to emanate loneliness and emptiness. Not a single light was on and all was completely quiet. Gunward! I mentally shouted. Then I cursed myself. My husband had just left me and here I was, already crying for another man. Poor wretch. I opened the door and threw myself onto the couch. The events of the past days churned in my head. I no longer knew who I was. I couldn’t figure out whether I was more wolf or human. Love is never easy even though I’d sometimes thought it was. I had thought I could forget my past, but my past didn’t let me forget it. I was tied to my fate and I knew David was right. My heart was like my mind -divided in two. I loved both men, but I still had to choose. I could not bring pain to them both. How could I be in David’s arms when I knew Gunward would feel everything I did? David’s touch on my skin. His kisses on my body. Quiet sighs in the darkness. It was more than any man could bear. How could I do that to him? I knew Gunward had given me my freedom; I only had to make the final decision and leave. Every moment I spent in David’s arms would be like a knife thrust into Gunward’s heart. And yet, how could I hurt David? I knew that every moment I missed Gunward was wrong towards David, but I couldn’t dismiss Gunward. I was bound to him. I had made my decision years ago and chosen David, but Gunward was still the one who filled the empty hollow inside me. I had numbed my innermost self for nearly a century. All that time I had looked for something that would fill the terrible emptiness. David’s love and our children had suppressed the feeling, but the second I’d recognized Gunward my soul had sighed helplessly. He was the only one for me. Had always been, would always be. I was completely lost. I didn’t know how to go on from here. What could I do to make this tale come to a happy end for all my loved ones?

I sank into near slumber. David’s and Gunward’s faces blurred together. Clarissa, helpless but so wondrously fearless, threatened by the young males. Clarissa in Adam’s arms. Sweet Marie, who didn’t understand what was going on in our family. Me. A wolf who had decided to stay in human shape. In my mind I called out to my pack, even though I knew it was useless. My call would reach no one, for my pack had long since abandoned me. I had given it no other choice. I was the guilty one. I breathed in and out slowly. I forced myself to stay calm. As the fells had gone into hibernation to listen to the sound of silence, so did I force myself to listen to myself. In my mind I traveled to the wilderness of Lapland. I roamed untouched terrain. I risked remembering Sarek and how happy I had been there. I got everything I needed from my pack. During the days we wandered and played together and at nights I curled up next to Gunward, satisfied. We sated our hunger with deer and our thirst in fresh mountain brooks. We wanted for nothing and no one threatened us. Then I had believed we could be together forever. Now, it seemed like an eternity since those days and everything had changed. I didn’t sleep, I didn’t even doze. I merely listened in silence.

I stirred, sensing I wasn’t alone. Slowly I opened my eyes. Gunward sat in the armchair opposite me. How he melded into the dim room. His dark hair was tousled. His golden brown eyes gazed hungrily at me. When he noticed me looking at him, he leapt to me and drew me into his arms. Before I could stop him, he pressed his hungry lips on mine and kissed me with desperation. I felt my body turn into jelly. My muscles seemed to melt away and my hands moved automatically to caress his neck and shoulders. My fingers grasped his hair and my legs wrapped around his body. I felt how hot and hard he was. His body was as if glued to mine. His hands roved on my body, lighting fires with each touch. Wanting more. It felt like a dream. Suddenly Flow’s warning of danger penetrated my mind. I withdrew swiftly from Gun’s embrace. My face was flushed and my lips swollen.

He moved his eyes to the doorway. Flow's cry was now joined by that of an anxious Bruun. My whole being readied for escape, though I knew it was useless. It would be child’s play for Gunward to catch me. Still, I didn’t plan to surrender without attempting to defend myself and flee. Gunward reclined at ease in the chair and glanced towards the door. I reached out to search his mind and he allowed it. I was disconcerted to find there such a great love towards myself. Joy over David’s decision to leave. Pleasure in what would soon happen. I looked at the doorway. Joy bubbled within me. I couldn’t suppress my emotions. I felt something wonderful was about to happen. I had yearned for this for so long. I had thought this would be impossible. My own choices had made it impossible for me to ever experience this again. The door opened slowly. Two sinfully handsome men stood in the doorway. They were almost of a height. Males over a hundred and ninety centimeters tall. Both had dark, almost black eyes, and dark hair. One’s hair was slightly longer and darker, whereas the other had shorter, sun-burned, messy hair. Both were unbelievably handsome. They were wiry, muscular and very dangerous men.

“Sofia!” they cried in unison.

I ran to their arms. I had missed them for so long. My brothers had returned to me.

I sat between my brothers on the couch, just touching them. I ran my fingers in their hair and let my hands explore their facial features with wonder. I was as if blind, trying to memorize everything by touch. When last I’d seen my brothers, we had been young wolves and I could hardly believe that these handsome strangers, Gavin and Daniel, truly were my brothers. I hadn’t realized how much I had missed them. At times I climbed onto their laps like a small child, to enjoy being near them. I would have liked to transform into a wolf and experience again the happy moments of our childhood together. I refrained from transforming, though, and contented myself with cuddling with my brothers. I felt how sorely they, too, had missed me and they couldn’t stop touching me either. If I took a step away, one of them would immediately draw me back. They stroked my hair and face, enjoying the feel of me in their arms. A deep humming rose from our throats as we enjoyed our reunion and closeness. My brothers had received my distressed message about Gunward’s madness and had known for all these years that my disappearance had been my own choice, and that had kept them from going after me.

In quiet voices, my brothers told me of all that had happened since our separation. They told me Gunward had sung for five days when he realized I had truly left him. They told me how his song had echoed in the fells and made people lose their minds. Several packs of wolves, whose territories were nearby, had joined in our pack’s song and all the wolves had searched for me. In vain. People began a vicious wolf hunt, torturing dozens of wolves to death. Wolves had been burned and their bones had been crushed. The worst horror to hear, though, was that people had even succumbed to skinning wolves while they still lived. I knew that Gunward’s madness had driven people to commit these unbelievable atrocities and that I might have been the only one who could have made Gunward stop. However, I had chosen my own way and I couldn’t blame myself for the atrocities of humans, feel as I did a crushing guilt. I couldn’t have borne to live with a burden of guilt on my shoulders, so I had learned to not take blame for what was no fault of mine.

Wolves were forced to flee. Packs split into smaller ones that were not as easy to hunt down, but our history had become a legend of death. In those years, over two million wolves were killed in North America alone. Hatred and persecution of wolves spread worldwide and the few surviving wolves fled and hid in the vast reaches of Siberia. The last wolf in Japan was shot in 1905 and in France wolves were hunted to extinction in the 1920s.

Gavin comforted me by telling me that from the 1990s on, France had been home to the second largest pack of shape shifters in the world. Only the pack of elders on Senja was larger, and that one had survived only because the elders had, for nearly two centuries, lived in forms other than that of the wolf. I was also told that the hatred humans felt towards wolves had been the chief reason why the elders had decided to gather and unite their strength. If the elders decided to resume their wolf shapes, an unprecedented multitude of various wolf species would be seen on Senja. Among the elders were - apart from several common Grey wolves - a few Italian wolves, a Tundra wolf, a Tibetan wolf, some Red wolves thought to be extinct, and Hokkaido wolves. Perhaps the most affable member of the pack was a small, agile Indian wolf, who had not wanted to forget his roots and was known by the human population of Senja as a rarity, a very wise hermit to whom many turned for advice when they couldn’t get it anywhere else. Another group of elders dwelt in North America, but that pack consisted mainly of wolf species typical to America. By unspoken accord, the wolves on Senja wielded the highest authority. My parents had taken on the duties of the alpha couple in the elders’ pack, but mostly all decisions were made by consensus.

The elders were very worried about Gunward and me. They could no longer conceive shape shifter cubs, and as far as anyone knew there were no other shape shifter couples capable of procreation besides us. It was possible that the persecution of wolves had scared some weaker shape shifters into hiding, and their limited shape changing ability made it very difficult, even impossible, for the elders to find them. I, however, had left a faint trail the elders had been following for decades. My parents had wanted to respect my choice to live as a human and they had let me live my own life without interfering, but eventually the pressure from the pack had grown too strong and they had had to agree to inform Gunward of my whereabouts.

Gunward had immediately gathered the strongest young shape shifters into a pack and started on my trail. My only comfort was that it had taken them several years to pinpoint my location with sufficient accuracy. By changing into human shape, I had blocked my lupine mind so tightly that they had had to approach me as hunters rather than friends. Only Adam’s infuriated shout had opened my mind to the pack again, and it was then that Gunward had decided to invite my brothers to join his pack. He knew how much I had missed them and he believed that meeting them would soften me to rejoin his pack. He was wrong.

We had nearly a week to spend time together in peace and get to know each other again. Gunward had informed the elders of the situation, as he and Adam had been on their way to ask their advice regarding our union, but now Adam had taken up lodging in our house almost unnoticed by me. The rest of the pack was staying nearby, in a country house Gunward owned. The greatest advantage of being immortal was that, if you only wanted to, you could amass a fortune over the long years. Gunward had made some very worthwhile investments and was thus able to lead a carefree life as a wealthy human for as long as he wanted. I also knew that my parents had ensured the welfare of their pack by investing, and by now most of Sarek and the island of Senja, as well as a few large estates in different parts of the world, belonged to the pack. I, too, could have a share in that wealth if I wanted to.

I laughed out loud. For how long had David wished we were richer? I had accrued some property over the years, but since I hadn’t wanted David to know of it, I had deposited it to secure Clarissa and Marie’s future and we had lived almost entirely on David’s income. I could never reveal this to David, for I still hadn’t learned to understand the human ambition to get rich. I was used to sharing everything with the pack. No one was excluded; everything belonged to everyone. Human possessiveness made me apprehensive and even though David had never shown any signs of it, I still didn’t dare trust him quite enough. I knew that my wealth would seem immense to humans, but for myself it had always been merely the means of ensuring a carefree future and I was not yet ready to change that. Besides, I was inept when it came to handling money and no matter how I tried to economize, it never seemed to work. Money appeared to slip through my fingers like fine sand, try as I might to keep a hold of it, so I had allowed my money to slowly but surely disappear from my account. I was content enough with the situation, knowing that my children would always be financially secure thanks to my deposits, and I myself would have forever to amass riches, should it become necessary.

Adam leaned against the door jamb, relaxed, guzzling cold cola. Loose black training pants hung from his narrow hips and his naked, trained upper torso was gleaming with sweat after a morning jog. His black hair was disheveled and for once he seemed at ease. I went to the bathroom and sighed. It was chaotic to live in the same house with four men. Especially when each of them was used to only taking care of himself. I picked up the sweaty training clothes and stuffed them into the washing machine. I didn’t even have the energy to be angry, so I started brushing my teeth. As I was doing that, I heard angry shouting at the door. Pricking my ears, I recognized the voice to my surprise as David’s.

“Let him in, Adam,” I shouted.

Toothbrush still in my mouth, I ran to the living room to be confronted by an enraged David. I had to admit the situation didn’t appear to be the best possible from my point of view. A half-naked, dangerously handsome Adam with his dark eyes, laughing at my doorstep, and two very handsome men slacking off in the armchairs in the living room. Oh, and Gunward, who was evidently enjoying David’s rage, had decided to provoke him by stepping behind me and wrapping his arms possessively around me. I shook Gun’s hands off me and went to David.