In a Heartbeat (Heartbeat #1) (41 page)

Max saw it in her eyes. He saw her internal conflict and the outcome. He shook his head, his eyes growing desperate.

“Don’t do this, Stella,” he whispered. Stella felt a hot tear slide down her cheek. “No.” Max stood up and started pacing like a caged animal.

“Max ...” Stella began, wondering what she could possibly say to make this better. She wanted to place all the blame on herself and not make him feel as if he’d done something wrong.

“Listen to me,” he said, interrupting her and kneeling back down in front of her. “I don’t know why you’re trying to push me away. There’s nothing standing in our way. We live in different countries, true: but if we want to, we can make this work. I know we could. I’ve never wanted anything so badly. You make me feel like I belong, like I’m needed. Nobody has needed me since Dad died, Stella. Mum buried herself in her work and I rarely see her, and Gia’s completely closed off from me, still guilt-ridden that she didn’t help with taking care of Dad.”

“What d’you mean?” Stella asked, realising Max had never before shared how his dad had died. He didn’t like talking about it and Stella had never pressed the subject, because she knew how painful it was to remember.

Max raked his hands through his hair, then dragged them along his face as if gathering courage to speak.

“My dad had leukaemia. Almost a year before he died, he needed round-the-clock care. Gia freaked out. She’d idolised him all her life, and seeing that strong, confident man being reduced to a sick, fragile person lying in bed all day really scared her. She threw herself into her studies – it was her final year of secondary school and she needed good grades to get accepted by the Institute of Culinary Arts. Mum remained the sole breadwinner for our entire family and worked nearly all the time. So that left me. I was fourteen when I took a break from school for a year, to take care of him full time. He died two weeks after my fifteenth birthday.”

Stella couldn’t hold the tears back any longer; they streamed freely down her cheeks. Life was so unfair. Max’s dad had died of cancer, and then Max himself fell in love with a girl who had cancer too. How was that even possible? Why? Max didn’t deserve this. He was an incredible person, who deserved a long, full life, filled with love, happiness and luck.

“Since then I’ve felt disconnected, flowing with the current and not having any purpose. Until I met you. You give me everything I need, Stella. You ground me; you connect all the bits of me together. I feel whole when I’m with you. When I look into the future, I see you by my side.”

No. Stella was definitely not in Max’s future, because she didn’t even know if she had any future. But she couldn’t tell him that. If she told him the truth, he’d stay by her. She couldn’t allow that to happen; nobody deserved to have two people they loved die on them. Even if there was a chance she wouldn’t die, she still didn’t want Max to suffer with her while she went in and out of hospitals and cried herself to sleep every night.

“Max, I’m so sorry about your dad,” she began and he nodded in acknowledgement. “You’re amazing but I ... I need some time to clear my head. I need to think.”

She couldn’t tell him that they’d never be together. Not tonight. Her heart would burst if she brought him anymore pain in such a short time. Besides, she needed time to collect herself and prepare for what she had to do.

“OK. We’ll talk tomorrow.” He stood up and started blowing out the candles. When he finished, he extended his hand and Stella took it, standing up. “Let’s go home.”

“Can I ask you something? Do you mind if I sleep alone tonight?” His face fell and Stella felt like the biggest villain in the world. “I just ... I think it will be better if I think this through on my own.”

Max reluctantly agreed, and walked her home. Before he got into his car, he said,

“I know everything I said tonight is a lot to take in and I know I’m asking you for a huge commitment. I also know it probably won’t be easy to figure everything out, but I know that as long as we have each other, we can do anything.” He circled her waist and drew her to him, burying his face in the crook of her neck. “I love you, Stella.”

She hooked her hands behind his neck as Max found her mouth and kissed her. Stella didn’t hold back on the kiss. She gave him everything she had – because that was going to be the last time she’d ever kiss him.

Max sat in the car, closed the door and sped away, taking her soul with him.

Chapter Thirty Four

Once inside, Stella sat on the sofa and switched on the table lamp. She couldn’t move, couldn’t cry, couldn’t breathe. The walls started closing in on her and she felt trapped, suffocating, nauseous. Feeling her stomach burn with acid, she ran to the bathroom and threw up. And then the tears came again. She bawled in the empty bathroom until she passed out on the cold floor.

When she woke up, Stella had no idea what time it was. All she knew was that she had no strength left to cry. Splashing her face with cold water, she tried to fix her horrific appearance, but it was no use – her eyes were red and swollen, her skin was pale despite her tan, her lips were dry and she had dark circles under her eyes.

Walking out of the bathroom, Stella heard the front door open and close. Lisa was home. Suddenly, anger overwhelmed Stella. Lisa had known about this all along! She was the one who knew all their secrets.

“Why didn’t you tell me?” There was no need to clarify. Lisa could immediately understand what she meant by the thunderous, yet hopeless expression on Stella’s face. She didn’t answer straight away, obviously trying to formulate her answer in a way that didn’t upset Stella anymore.

Too late for that.

“How could you keep that from me, Lis?” Tears of frustration sprang down her cheeks and Stella angrily brushed them away with the back of her hand. “How could you not tell me his dad had cancer? That Max took care of him all by himself!”

“It wasn’t for me to tell you, Stella. This is Max’s personal life; he was the one who should have told you.”

“
You
should have told me, when I came to you to ask if you were OK with us dating. If you had told me then, I would have ended things immediately. I wouldn’t have ...”

“You wouldn’t have fallen in love with him? I think you already were in love with him.” Lisa threw her hands up in exasperation. “I tried to warn you so many times, but I guess it doesn’t work that way. We don’t choose who we love, do we?”

“No. If you’d told me the first day I met him, I’d have avoided him like the plague.
Nothing
would have happened between us.”

“You can’t seriously blame me for this, Stella,” Lisa said calmly, and moved closer to her cousin. “I kept
your
secrets, too.”

Stella broke down in Lisa’s arms. Her sobs were tearing her heart apart, but she couldn’t have cared less. Her heart was already shredded to pieces.

“Did you tell him about you?” Lisa asked, when she’d calmed down enough to talk.

“No! And I’m not going to. Neither are you,” replied Stella, determination mixing with the grief in her eyes.

“He’s not going to leave you because of the odd chance your cancer might be back. You know that, right?”

“Yes, I know, and that’s exactly why we’re not going to tell him. The chance is maybe eighty per cent – especially after it came back after the first surgery and chemo. I’m not going to subject Max to that again. He has suffered enough with his dad; I’d be the cruellest person on Earth if I allowed him to be there for me, too. I’d rather he thought everything’s over between us and moved on with his life.”

“He’s not going to move on. He loves you, Stella. Give him the chance to be there for you.”

“No.”

Stella pulled out of Lisa’s arms and brushed away the last of her tears.

“Tomorrow I’ll tell him it’s over between us. It’ll take time, but he will move on. He’ll meet someone else and fall in love and have the life he deserves. He doesn’t deserve to be stuck with a sick person, especially when he didn’t know I was ill in the first place. I’ve lived a lie with him this whole time. It’s all my fault; if I’d just told him in the beginning that I had cancer, maybe he would have never ...”

“It’s not something you lead a conversation with, is it?” Lisa interrupted her. “Don’t place any blame, Stella. It’s nobody’s fault. Both of your hearts will be broken. There are no winners in this.”

The rain was pouring down from the sky. There were no clouds – just an endless grey sky. Ironically, it reminded Stella of home. It also perfectly reflected her mood.

She was sitting in a lounger under the awning, staring at the rain and hoping that the falling water would drown her thoughts.

“Hey,” Max said, as he came over next to her and sat on the lounger. She had texted him to come over half an hour ago. There was no point in delaying this.

“Hi,” she said without turning to face him. “I’m leaving tomorrow.” There was no point in going around in circles either. The sooner she pushed him away, the better.

“What?”

“My mother’s going home tomorrow, and I’m going back with her.”

“We’ve got ten more days, Stella. You can’t leave early.” Stella didn’t say anything. She didn’t even look at him. She couldn’t. If she did, her heart would break all over again and it had been shattered too many times already.

“Look at me!” he demanded. Sighing, she did so. “Is that your answer? You thought about everything I’d said last night and that’s your answer? You don’t want me?”

Stella didn’t reply; she just stared at him with determination in her eyes. If she opened her mouth to speak, she wasn’t sure she could pull it off.

“Shit.” He stood up and paced around. The anger rolling out of him was nauseating. His eyes were blazing, his fists were clenched, his whole body was vibrating with rage.

He sat back on the lounger.

“Stella, I love you.” She looked at him and tried to keep her face blank and emotionless, when the only thing she wanted to do was kiss him and tell him she loved him, too. “Even if you go now, England is not Australia. It’s just an hour’s flight away. I don’t want this to be the end; I want you. I want to make this work. If you don’t want to stay here, I’ll come to London. I’ll go to uni there. I ...”

He stopped, because Stella wasn’t even looking at him anymore. She stared at the rain falling on the pool behind Max, and even though she tried to keep any emotion off her face, a single tear spilled from her eye and down her cheek. “Stella,” he said, his tone firm. He wanted her to look at him, but she just couldn’t. “Stella, please. Look at me.” His voice was softer now. She couldn’t resist and fixed him with an empty stare. “I love you. I ... Please don’t leave. Don’t leave
me
.”

“I have to,” was all she said.

“Why?”

“Because I don’t feel the same way. I thought I did, but I don’t.” It physically hurt to say those words. Stella managed to keep her tone even and as convincing as possible, because that was the biggest lie she’d ever told.

“Bullshit! I know you love me, Stella. Don’t try to push me away because you’re a coward to admit how you really feel.”

“Think whatever you want. I’m telling you how I really feel. I’m attracted to you, I love the sex and I have fun with you. But I don’t love you, Max. I don’t want to build a life with you.”

“Stop fucking lying! I know you love me – I’ve seen it in your eyes. There’s lust and passion there, but there’s also love. And trust.”

Stella didn’t say anything. How could she? He was right. That was exactly how she felt; she desired him, but at the same time she trusted him with her life and loved him with all of her broken heart.

And that was exactly why she had to push him as far away from her as possible.

“I’m sorry if I’ve misled you, but I don’t love you, Max. I love how you make me feel in bed, I love talking to you and spending time with you. That’s it. I can’t commit to you and be a part of your future, because when I close my eyes I don’t see you in mine.”

He physically recoiled from her words. The disappointment and hurt in his eyes nearly killed her. But Stella had to remain strong. She didn’t cry and she didn’t move her eyes away from his while he suffered. He didn’t say anything. He just stood there, looking at her, unable to form words or show any kind of reaction.

And then Lisa walked in – and all hell broke loose.

He jumped from the lounger and stopped mere inches in front of Lisa, towering over her small frame. To her credit, she didn’t step back. Lisa folded her arms in front of her chest and stubbornly lifted her chin to look him in the eye.

“What did you tell her?” he barked.

“I didn’t tell her anything. She made her own choice.”

“Yeah? So last night I tell her that I love her and want to spend the rest of my life with her; she comes home to think things through and the only person here is you. A bit too much of a coincidence, don’t you think?”

Lisa, shrugged, her eyes never leaving Max’s. His body trembled as he tried to control himself. Stella knew he’d never physically hurt Lisa but still, his huge body looming over her cousin made her uncomfortable.

“Max, back the fuck off. It’s not her fault.” She got up and moved closer to him.

“I disagree,” he snarled, still concentrating on Lisa.