In a Heartbeat (Heartbeat #1) (42 page)

“Why can’t you just accept that I don’t love you? Is your ego so big you can’t even entertain the idea of a woman not being completely head over heels in love with you?”

“Oh, I can accept that not
every
woman is in love with me,” he said, snapping out of his anger towards Lisa and turning towards Stella. “I don’t accept that
you’re
not. Because you are. And you’re both lying to me. I just don’t know why. But let me assure you that I will find out; and when I do, I’ll hold you to it.”

He stormed out of the house, slamming the door so hard the windows shook.

Stella couldn’t hold it any longer. She collapsed on the floor and sobbed in Lisa’s arms until she had no tears or strength left.

Helen and Niki had come home late that night, unaware of the drama that had gone on just hours before. Stella came out of her room to tell her mum that she’d bought herself a ticket for the same flight and would be leaving with her. Judging by her face, Helen wanted to ask her a million questions, but Stella muttered “I don’t wanna talk about it”, and slammed her bedroom door shut. To keep herself occupied, Stella packed her suitcase and by the time she was finished, it was the middle of the night.

Her phone beeped with a text and she picked it up with trembling fingers, certain it was from Max.

Max: I love you. Please don’t leave.

She didn’t reply. In five minutes it beeped again.

Max: Whatever it is that’s holding you back, we can fix it.

No, he couldn’t fix this. Stella switched her phone off and climbed into bed, too exhausted to fight sleep any longer.

*

Max couldn’t sleep. All he could think about was Stella leaving in a few short hours. What could he do? If professing his love for her, sharing his deepest secrets, serving his soul up on a silver platter, didn’t stop her from leaving, what could?

In one last desperate attempt to change her mind, he sent her two texts. She didn’t reply. He sent another one but it came back undelivered. She’d switched off her phone. She’d kicked him out of her life. Forever.

Max threw the phone towards the wall and it smashed into pieces. He curled into a ball on his bed and cried as he’d never cried before – not even when his dad died.

*

“I’m so sorry, Lis. I’ve messed up your life for the two short months I’ve been here,” said Stella, as she hugged her cousin goodbye at the airport. “Max’ll probably blame you for what happened, even though it has nothing to do with you.”

“He’ll come around. He needed someone to shout at before; I’m sure he doesn’t really blame me.” Lisa hugged her back and when she pulled away, her eyes were full of tears. “I’ll miss you. Promise to call me every day.”

“I will. I’ll miss you, too.”

Stella hated goodbyes. Once seated in the plane, she took a deep breath, but it did nothing to ease the pressure in her chest. She leaned back in her seat, her hands clutching the armrests. A warm hand slipped over her fingers.

“How are you holding up, honey?” her mother asked, concern written all over her beautiful features.

“I’ve been better.”

“When you’re ready to talk about it, I’m here. I won’t judge.”

Stella nodded, truly appreciating that even though her mum was worried about her she didn’t pressure her into talking, because right now all of Stella’s strength was focused on making her body function physically. Putting her headphones on, she switched on her iPod, selected Framing Hanley’s album ‘Promise to Burn’, turned the volume up and closed her eyes.

Chapter Thirty Five

The first few days back in London were pure torture for Stella. Even though it was mid-August, it was much cooler than in Genoa and she had a hard time adjusting to the temperature change alone. Just thinking about unpacking made her dizzy. Everything in that suitcase reminded her of Max. It had to stay locked in, otherwise she might crumble.

All she had strength for was lounging around the house, eating occasionally when her mum all but forced her, aimlessly changing the channels on the TV, and reading. Stella didn’t want to think or talk. She was numb, and the longer she stayed that way, the better, she thought.

On Friday evening Helen sat next to her on the sofa, grabbed the remote from her hand, switched off the TV and said,

“That’s it. I’ve had it with you and your wallowing. You’re going to tell me everything, so that I can help you. I refuse to sit back and watch you get more and more depressed.”

Stella didn’t want to talk, because she saw no point. Her mum couldn’t do anything about it, so why burden her with it? But she seemed determined to find out what had happened and Stella didn’t have the strength to argue with her.

In a steady, even voice she told her everything. It felt strangely good to get it off her chest. By the time she’d finished, Stella already felt better. A burden shared was a burden halved, right? Helen didn’t interrupt her or ask questions. She waited patiently until the story was finished before she spoke.

“I think you’ve made a mistake.”

“Excuse me?” Stella sat upright on the sofa, unable to believe what she’d just heard.

“When you meet someone who loves you like that, you don’t let go, Stella. Ever.”

“Did you hear anything I said? I did this for him! I don’t want him stuck with me in hospitals when he could be free to live his life,” Stella yelled, her eyes filling with tears. The one thing she’d always been able to count on was her mum being on her side, and now she seemed to be turning against her.

“I’ve seen you together, honey; I’m not blind. That boy will never be free to live his life if he loves you as much as I suspect he does.” Helen moved closer to Stella and hugged her. She didn’t resist. “I understand why you did what you did. But promise me something.” She pulled away to look into her mother’s eyes. Helen tucked a strand of hair behind her ear and brushed Stella’s tears with her thumbs, cupping her cheeks. “Your appointment with Doctor Hansen is next week. Promise me that if you get the all-clear, you’ll call Max.”

Stella started shaking her head, but Helen stopped her.

“Promise me, Stella. If you’re in remission, there’s no reason to stay away.”

“It can always come back, Mum. You know that ...”

“Sweetheart, you can’t think like that or you’ll never be able to live your life. You have to take every opportunity life throws at you and use it to its full advantage.”

Stella took a moment to think her words over. Was her mother right? What if the cancer was gone? The chance was very slim, but it wasn’t impossible.

“Promise me, honey.”

“OK. If I get the all-clear, I’ll call him.”

After talking to Helen, Stella felt better than she had in days. She tidied her room, even though her suitcase still remained locked in her closet. Then she took a long shower, blow-dried her hair and got dressed in jeans and a clean T-shirt, instead of the pyjamas that she hadn’t taken off for the past four days. She even found the strength to switch on her laptop and Skype Lisa, who was really happy to hear from her. They chatted for almost an hour, avoiding topics like Max and cancer. After they’d said their goodbyes, Stella checked her email and almost fell off her bed when she saw two emails from Massimo Selvaggio. Her heart thumped loudly in her chest and her ears became deaf to everything around her except the blood rushing to her brain. Her instinct was to delete them without reading them – but her finger paused. She’d promised her mum that she’d give their relationship another chance if she got the all-clear. Then maybe she could peek at his emails, not replying until she’d had her appointment with the doctor.

God, she missed him. She needed to know what he’d said.

Stella,

I miss you so much.

I don’t have any other way of contacting you – Lisa refuses to give me your home address or number. Thank God you decided to send me that hilarious video with that horse and at least I’ve got your email address.

So I’m stuck writing you emails.

Why did you leave? I’ve been asking that same question over and over and I still don’t have an answer. I don’t believe for a second you don’t love me, so what is it?

Not knowing why you left me is awful.

I’m lost without you,
tesoro
.

I love you.

Please ... Write back. Or call. I need to hear your voice.

Yours, Max.

Stella could barely read the final lines. Her vision was blurry from tears. Hands shaking, she clicked on the second email, which was from this morning.

Stella,

You didn’t write back or call. It doesn’t surprise me; I never expected you to. I know first-hand how stubborn you are – it must be a family trait, because Lisa is just as stubborn. I harass her every day to give me your number, but she refuses.

I’m not giving up. I know you get my emails and I also know you’re too curious to delete them without reading. I’m going to get to the bottom of this if it’s the last thing I do. I love you and I’m not letting you go that easily. It’s never too late to fix whatever you think is standing between us.

Call me. Please. I need you, Stella.

Yours, Max.

Stella wanted to write back, but she couldn’t. Why give him false hope? It was in Max’s nature to be tenacious and try to fix everything. In a few days she’d know for sure if the cancer was back. She’d decide what to do then, but right now all she could do was hope. And pray.

That night Stella dreamed of being in Max’s arms. He held her and whispered how much he loved her. In her dream Stella was able to tell him that she loved him too. It felt so liberating, so right. A distant feeling that something was wrong hung in the air around them, but Stella was so blissfully happy that she ignored it. Out of nowhere, Max pushed her away and looked at her, hurt and disappointed.

“What do you mean, you don’t love me?” he asked.

“No, Max, that’s not what I said. I said I love you,” said Stella and tried to reach him again, but he shook his head and turned away from her. “I love you, Max. Please believe me.” She was pleading now, but all he did was drift further and further away from her, the regret in his eyes stabbing at her chest like a knife.

She woke up panting, sweating, disoriented. It took her a couple of seconds to realise where she was and that it had been only a dream. The heavy feeling in her chest remained, though. It had felt so real to finally tell Max that she loved him. Realising she’d never be able to do that, Stella fell back on the bed, desperation looming over her.

A thought popped into her head and she got up from the bed so abruptly that she felt dizzy. Steadying herself on her feet, Stella ran to her closet and, unzipping her suitcase, she rummaged through it until she found the sketch that Lisa had made of Max and her. Relief and calmness washed over her as she held it to her chest. It was the only thing she had left of Max. Going back to bed, she stared at the sketch for a few long moments before tracing his shape on the sheet and whispering,

“I love you.”

The next day Stella went to the tattoo parlour where she’d had her tattoo done two years ago. She’d told Max that love, dreams and luck were the three things no one could live without. It was time to add to the list the one he had suggested: hope.

“I’m sorry Stella, but the news is not good,” said Dr Hansen, looking at her from behind his thick-rimmed glasses. “The ultrasound shows that the cancer is back, and this time it’s spread all over your liver. We can’t operate to remove it.”

Both Stella and her mum had gone pale the moment the doctor said his first words. Stella’s whole world crashed around her as he spoke. That was it. It was over.

“What can we do, Doctor Hansen?” asked Helen.

“Chemotherapy. That’s our only option right now. The chances that it will completely cure the cancer are slim, but it will give you more time, at least.”

More time? Why would she need more time? She’d lost everything she wanted to live for. There was nothing to fight for any longer.

“No. I don’t want chemo. It’ll weaken my body, even if it prolongs my life for a few months. I don’t think it’s worth it.”

“Stella ...” her mother began, but she interrupted her.

“I’m not going through chemo again, Mum. I remember all too well the hell it put me through the last time, and for what?”

“It’s in a very early stage, Stella. The sooner you start chemotherapy, the bigger your chance of beating it.”

Helen was looking at her with wide, sad eyes. Stella owed it to her mum to at least try.

“I’ll think about it,” she lied, only because she couldn’t bear to see the grief in Helen’s eyes.

“Don’t take too long. A week at the most,” said the doctor.

“What about a transplant?” Helen asked as she got up.

“We can put you on the donor waiting list, if that’s what you want. But let me be honest: liver donors are very rare. It could take a long time to find one. If you agree to the chemo, that’ll give you a chance to wait. But if you don’t do it, the cancer could spread to the rest of Stella’s body, and then even a transplant won’t be able to save her.”

The moment they got home, Helen went to her bedroom and closed the door. She hadn’t said a word since they’d left the doctor’s surgery. Stella shut herself in her own bedroom, and the first thing she did was deactivate her email account. No more Max. No more emails. No contact.