In the Air (14 page)

"I know guys, Natalia. They're the easiest creatures on the planet to figure out. It's all in their eyes. When Samson looks at you, all I see is want. Believe me when I say, that boy would beg." She laughed through her nose.

I looked back down at my phone and exhaled. Opening the first text, it read:
"I'm sorry."
The next one said, "
Let me explain."
I continued onto the last two, reading, "
Meet me tonight."
And, "
If you don't respond within the next thirty minutes, I'll take that as a no."

It had been twenty minutes. I texted back:
"Okay."

Dating the same boy for most of your life has its advantages and disadvantages. On one hand, you're best friends and you know everything about each other, but on the other, you spend so much time together that eventually the spark can begin to fizzle out. The challenges don't seem as fun or exciting. The conversations don't last as long as they used to. I'm so certain that it's happening to Samson and me that I need to figure out a way to re-kindle the flame. After all, Samson is the man I want to be with for the rest of my life and I can't let him get away without a fight.

It was 9 A.M. and I was meeting Samson at Le Pain Quotidien. I hoped he would be on time, though I knew he wouldn't be. As I entered the busy cafe, the array of aromas wafting from the kitchen made my stomach stir. I was too nervous to eat anything. Samson and I would be talking about our relationship and I had no idea how it would turn out. I'd hoped that we could work things out, but with the way everything has been, I had my doubts.

I grabbed an empty table near the front of the cafe, by an oversized window. The weather was perfect this time of year, and the sidewalks were filled with tourists and pedestrians. They all carried a variety of shopping bags, most of them chatting on their cell phones as they crossed the busy streets. It wasn't long ago that I was roaming the city with Samson, taking pictures of the surroundings. We'd wander around aimlessly and I'd take snapshots of him being silly in Central Park or smoking a nonexistent cigarette. I kept all of those pictures tucked away in a box, and lately I'd nixed any craving I'd had to look at them.

I longed for coffee, but decided to wait until Samson arrived. I looked down at my watch to see that five minutes had passed. I was determined to not call and complain about his lateness. I didn't want to seem impatient.

I had chosen not to move to New York. I didn't want to be the girl that followed her boyfriend to a new city just so their relationship wouldn't be compromised. I had goals of my own. Making my father happy was always the most important thing to me. I gave up photography and applied to Yale. I would follow Daddy's footsteps and become a partner at his law firm.

I heard the bell above the door chime and turned my head to see Samson. He walked in with the same cocky smile he'd been wearing since his braces came off in the tenth grade.

"Look at you, all fancy this morning," Samson said cheerfully.

I stood up. He wrapped his arms around my waist, pulling me close to his chest. When he released me, I looked down at the outfit I had thrown on this morning. I wore nice clothes all the time. Today, I had worn a pair of skinny jeans and paired it with a Lacoste polo and my Tory Burch riding boots. Since the New York air was cool, I had on one of my favorite Theory blazers.

"This is how I always dress. Have you forgotten?" I knew I was supposed to ease our conversation and try to fix things, but already, I could tell he was hiding something behind his smile. I had a sick feeling that he wasn't telling the truth last night. His eyes darted around the room, looking anywhere but at me.

"Over here, Samson," I waved my hand in front of his face, trying to get his attention. "Let's order some coffee."

The awkwardness was apparent, and I wasn't sure what to say. We sat down and ordered two shots of espresso and a blueberry scone. Samson's favorite.

I'd been with Samson all of my life, and sitting across from him at this cafe, lacking all conversation, made me grow wary of repairing anything. We'd always been each other's support system. Our dads were both overbearing and if it weren't for Samson, I probably would have broken down by now from the pressure.

When I was younger, I wanted to be a photographer. I remembered the time I asked Samson to let me photograph him while he danced. I adored the way he moved his body on the dance floor. It was a beautiful way to bring both of our talents together. I reflected back on our good times.

So much had changed over the last year. I was angry with Samson and the road he had chosen. Going against his family and coming to Juilliard was disrespectful. I understood the challenge of wanting to follow your own dreams, but it came down to him making a choice, and he made the wrong one.

"How was the banquet last night?" Samson's hand reached for mine, his voice bringing me back from my thoughts. "I'm sorry I couldn't come, my schedule has gotten crazy. Plus, I'm rehearsing all of the time and not sleeping nearly enough."

"It was fine. Daddy wasn't pleased, but I covered for you. Of course, he didn't understand what could be more important than being my date for such a big event." I couldn't keep from lashing out and I knew I needed to calm myself down and not cause a scene. Reeling myself back in, I continued. "Sorry, I just wish you could have been there with me." Samson's face lacked any emotion and for a moment, I wasn't sure if he'd heard a word I had said.

His eyes stared into mine, almost like he was trying to engrave them in his memory. "Did
Daddy
fix you up with one of the suitable bachelors in attendance?" He was clearly mocking me.

"Why would he do that? He knows I only want to be with you and he would never make me give up something I love."

His laughter startled me. "Do you even hear yourself, Aubrey? He made you choose law over photography!"

"I chose it, Samson. Law makes me happy," I insisted.

"Aubrey," Samson looked down at his lap, hiding his eyes from view, "we need to talk."

With those four words, I felt the collapse of my heart. "We are talking, Samson." I smiled, trying to lighten the mood.

I wanted this all to be a joke. I wanted so badly to wipe the slate clean and re-do the last year of our entire relationship. I wanted so much for us, but I knew how scarred our love had gotten and how impractical it was to fix. If we were in for what I thought we were, I'd be left alone, without him and I didn't know if I could breathe on my own. Or, if I ever wanted to.

"Last night, I wasn't studying. I went to a concert with my dance partner," Samson confessed.

"You did what?"

"I know I should have told you the truth, but I didn't know how to explain it to you."

"So, instead of going with me, you went out with another girl? Are you attracted to her? What's her name?" I interrogated him, wanting to know everything about this dance partner, while ignoring the rapid beating of my heart. My stomach was in knots.

"It doesn't matter what her name is. I just wanted you to know the truth. Things between us haven't been good for a long time. You know that and so do I. We can't keep pretending we're this perfect, happy couple. We're not. At least, we're not anymore." Samson stared at his coffee mug. He couldn't even look me in the eye.

"Is that why you chose to go out with another girl? Because you aren't happy? Don't you think you should have mentioned that to me?" My voice rose and I noticed a few heads turn in our direction. I lowered my voice. "I came today hoping we could fix things, but you act like you don't want to. What
do
you want, Samson?"

"I don't know anymore. It's been such a mess between us lately, that I don't know what to do or if there's anything we
can
do. It's like we're fighting to bring our relationship back from the dead ... but I don't know if I want to resurrect it."

Samson's statement felt like a slap in the face. I was furious with him. For allowing us to get to this point without telling me how unhappy he was. For going out with some random girl last night and lying to me about it. I could continue the list, but his eyes gaped into me, waiting for a response.

"I thought we could make it through anything. We've been there for each other our whole lives. I don't want this to tear us apart. I'm so upset with you, but I don't want to throw everything away!" Tears sprang to my eyes and I knew I couldn't cry. Not here, in public.

Samson reached his hand out and touched the inside of my wrist. The familiar touch sent a shiver down my spine. I didn't ever want to be without his touch.

"I don't want to throw everything away either, but are we just continuing this relationship because it's comfortable? We're both really busy with our lives; maybe time away from one another is what we need."

I yanked my wrist free. "Time? Are you serious?" I shouted. The other patrons stared openly at us. "I don't need time. I forgive you for canceling on me last night. Obviously you weren't thinking clearly. We can work this out," I pleaded.

"I am thinking clearly, Aubs. Why do you want to be with me? You're miserable. We rarely see each other anymore and we both know the phone calls aren't working." Samson looked down at his watch and then at his cell phone.

"Are you waiting for a call? That girl you went out with last night?" It suddenly dawned on me that the reason he wanted out. "I can't believe this! You want to end things so you can date someone new?" I stood up quickly, knocking my chair into the person behind me. "You're such an asshole!"

Tears streamed down my face and I wasn't able to contain my emotions any longer. I grabbed my purse from the table and rushed out of the door. I heard Samson shouting my name, but I didn't stop my feet from moving. I walked to the corner as quickly as I could, so I could hail a cab. I wanted to disappear before Samson had the chance to catch up, but he was at my side in no time. He reached for my wrist, stopping me.

"Please, Aubrey. Don't walk away mad." He held my wrist tightly in his hand, waiting for me to face him.

I turned to look at him, not caring if I had black streaks of mascara running down my cheeks. "Hear this loud and clear, Samson. When you realize that you made a huge mistake and call me next week begging for forgiveness, I may not be around to give it to you. Whoever this tramp is that you're running after better be worth it."

Stunned, Samson's arms dropped to his sides. The large blue eyes I loved so much closed, hiding his emotion from the world. The man I fell in love with was gone and replaced by a soulless boy.

Aubrey left without another word. She believed I was running after another girl.
Was I?
My head was spinning from the drama-filled morning. I felt shattered. My relationship with Aubrey had been bad lately, but the thought of not having her in my life scared the shit out of me. Natalia had been a distraction, like she'd had me under some kind of spell. My thoughts were always running to her. Confusion had taken up permanent residence in my brain, and trying to sort out anything was hopeless. I wanted to run after Aubrey and take back what I had said, but the moment she got into the cab, I knew I had let her go. I had let go of
us
.

The vibration in my pocket snapped me out of my daze and I retrieved my phone from my pocket. Natalia's reply:
Okay.

If I were to tell my mom all of this, she would say something like, "You've made your bed, now lie in it." Would I look back on this day as a colossal screw up or as the best decision I ever made?