Indigo Road (18 page)

Communicating
with Alex was hard. He was so busy that most of the time all I got
was a quick
I miss you. I’m
so fucking tired
text. It seemed he had
no time, yet I had all the time in the world.

Alex and I
were close. We’d always been close, but being on the road together
had brought us closer still, and I don’t just mean in the physical
sense. Although there was that. I knew Alex loved me as his best
friend and I could almost say with certainty that he was
in
love
with me. We hadn’t defined or discussed our relationship yet, and
the more time we spent apart, the more I needed the confirmation of
what I was to him.

We’d had our usual end-of-day texts with Alex
stating how tired he was and that he missed me. I had nothing to
report because, well, I hadn’t really done anything except dabble
on the laptop. I knew I had to ask the question before my courage
abandoned me again.

Things are sometimes hard to say face to face
as nerves and emotions can often get in the way of asking for what
you want. It was one of the reasons why I hadn’t yet asked him what
I meant to him. Rejection always stung, no matter who it came from,
and I felt like a coward for sending a text. It should have been a
conversation we had in person, but if it wasn’t what he wanted, I
didn’t want him to see my disappointment. So, being a yellow-belly,
I was going to ask Alex if we were boyfriends or partners or
something else via text message. It was a couple of hours after our
last exchange and I was sitting cross-legged on the hotel bed as I
stared at the phone in my hand and the text I’d drafted. I squared
my shoulders, took a deep breath, and pressed Send.

Then instantly regretted it.

I didn’t
receive a reply immediately and I remembered Alex had said he was
going to have dinner and take a shower, but an hour later I still
hadn’t heard from him. I worried myself sick all night. I tried to
take comfort in the fact that I would have an answer soon, but when
I didn’t hear from him that night, I was scared I’d done the wrong
thing. I had gone from being a normal
levelheaded
guy who just happens
to be in love with his best friend to a paranoid idiot in a few
hours flat.
I worried all night, sent
another text message to make sure he got the first one, then sent
Julie a text message to see if my phone was working when I didn’t
receive a reply from Alex. Julie’s reply was immediate and told me
if I was having trouble with my phone I should
Pay the bill like a normal person,
Jerkoff.
P.S. I miss
you
.

I reassured her that my bill was paid, then
made up some story about needing to update the apps before telling
her I missed her too. At least my sister made me smile, if only for
a few minutes.

I stayed up most of the night watching stupid
B movies, unable to sleep. With my stomach in knots, I worried I
had pushed Alex into making a decision about us he wasn’t ready
for, then I worried that something had happened and he couldn’t
contact me. I must’ve fallen asleep, though, because when my cell
rang, it woke me up. I looked at the clock on the bedside table.
Five a.m.

“You’re a jerk. I can’t believe you
sometimes,” Alex said as I put the phone to my ear. He didn’t even
give me a chance to say hello.

“Alex? What’s going on?” I was only
half-awake as I sat up against the headboard.

“
You! I can’t
believe you felt you had to ask that stupid question. Geez, Josh. I
love you. I’m
in
love with you. You’re my boyfriend, partner,
whatever you want to call it. Haven’t I made that clear to you
already?”

I rubbed my eyes, trying to focus in the
darkness of the hotel room. “We’ve never discussed it, so I didn’t
know.” My voice was strained and I didn’t know if it was caused by
the lump in my chest or the fact that I’d only had two hours of
broken sleep.

“
Me telling
you how much I love you every day isn’t enough?” Alex sounded
incredulous, and now that he pointed it out to me, I realized what
an idiot I was not to notice the small things he did each day. He
played with my hair as we watched a movie, brushed his fingers over
the skin
at
the
back of
my neck
as he walked past, then came back and kissed the spot he’d
just touched. Holding pinky fingers. The way he held me after
making love every night before we fell asleep.

“You’re right, I’m sorry. You show me every
day. I guess I just—”

Alex
’s
voice softened. “I’m sorry, Josh. You’re right. We’ve never
discussed it, but I didn’t think we needed to. I thought we were on
the same page.” He paused but when he spoke again, his voice was
sad and quiet. “Are you telling me you don’t… feel that way about
me?”

“God, no. Geez, we suck at communication,
don’t we? No. I love you, Alex, and I miss you like nothing else.
It sounds corny and a little weird, but… I want to be your
boyfriend. I’ve never wanted to be anyone’s boyfriend before but
maybe that’s because no one was right for me. We hadn’t talked
about it so I had my doubts. I guess I just needed the confirmation
of what we were to each other, that’s all. When you didn’t answer
my texts last night, I thought… Well, you don’t want to know what I
thought.”

“I never saw the texts last night. After I
had a shower, I crashed. I didn’t even make it to dinner, I was so
exhausted. I’m sorry.” Alex paused. “Josh?”

“Yeah?”

“
Will you be
my boyfriend?” Alex asked. I could almost see him batting
his
eyelashes,
but I knew he was serious.

“
Idiot.
Of course
I will. I’m sorry I doubted you. I love being
with you and I guess this time apart has reaffirmed things I
already knew.” I took a deep breath and prepared myself to say
something I’d never said out loud before. “Alex? I’m
gay.”

Alex laughed a little and all the tension
that had flowed over the line disappeared. “Huh. You’d think so
after all the times you’ve had my dick in your ass.”

I laughed. “Yeah, I guess so.”

An ominous silence followed.

Alex
’s
voice quieted. “Shit. I think I was just overheard. The
last thing I want is to be outed here. No telling what some of
these
cowboys
will do. They still talk about George Bush, for crying out
loud.”

“Who, W?”

“No, George Senior!”

I hated being helpless and miles away from
him. What if they found out Alex liked sucking cock? I shuddered.
“What can I do?” I asked, trying to keep the desperation from my
voice.

“It’ll be fine, I think. If they question me,
I’ll just say my girlfriend is kinky.” I heard someone yelling in
the distance over the phone, but before I could question Alex, he
said, “Shit! I gotta go. I’ll call you again tonight. I love
you.”

I worried all day, and after breakfast I
tried to immerse myself in creating some more designs. When that
didn’t work, I went for a walk and found a park with a lake and
some ducks. I bought a sandwich from a local bakery and sat on the
edge of the water, soaking up the weak sunlight. I fed the ducks
the crusts and tried not to think about Alex. Luckily, he called me
just after lunch, saving my sanity.

“Are you okay?” I asked after I thumbed the
screen.

“Yeah, I’m fine. If anyone heard me, no one
mentioned anything. Apart from a couple of raised eyebrows, it was
business as usual. I knew you’d be worried and I’m sorry for
hanging up so quickly.”

“I’m glad you’re okay.”

“I can act straight pretty well, I guess. No
one thought I was gay in college, not even me.” Alex laughed.

I laughed with him. “Nor me.”

“Things are slowing down here now so I’m
finishing early. I’ll call you later. Love you.”

“Love you too.”

I
CHECKED
in with Mike around lunchtime
Monday, hoping the part we needed had arrived from
California.

“I’ve got some good news for you, Josh.” Mike
grinned at me from behind his desk. “The water pump just showed up.
We can start on the van later this afternoon and have you on the
road tomorrow.”

“Thank God. Thanks, Mike. I’ve gotta call
Alex and tell him the good news.”

I walked out of Mike’s shop and down the
street, pulling my phone from my pocket. I called Alex and was
surprised when he answered. “Hey, I was going to leave a message. I
didn’t think you’d answer.”

Alex almost had to yell to hear himself. The
noise in the background was deafening, calls and whistles and the
stomping of hooves. “It’s lucky I had my phone on vibrate because
it’s so noisy here. The cattle just arrived so I’m taking a quick
break. I have no idea what I’m doing and it’s too dangerous, so I’m
just standing around watching all the guys sort the herd into
different pens. It’s quite fascinating to see. They all look the
same to me. What’s up?”

“The pump came in today. Mike’s working on
Maude and I should be out of here tomorrow.”

“
That’s
great. I should be finished up here tomorrow anyway, as the trucks
are due to arrive first thing in the morning to take the cattle to
Crockett for the auction. I’ll confirm with Jed when he’s free and
let you know when I can leave.”
Alex’s
voice turned quiet. I
suspect he didn’t want to be overheard. “I’ve missed you,
Josh.”

I ARRIVED at
the ranch a little after three o’clock the following afternoon and
Alex was standing on the homestead’s porch, duffel at his feet,
talking with someone I assumed was Jed. When he saw me, he picked
up his bag, shook the other man’s hand, and sauntered casually down
the steps, but the excitement on his features contradicted his easy
gait.

I jumped out
of the van and raised my arms for a hug. I couldn’t wait to kiss
him. Alex’s eyes went wide and he shook his head quickly, telling
me there’d be no PDAs here, so I lifted my arms and stretched,
hoping it looked natural. It was then I looked around and saw a few
of the ranch hands watching us. Some had scowls on their faces, as
if they knew what we meant to each other and didn’t approve, others
looked on blankly, but there was one guy leaning against a wooden
post
who
looked
positively pissed.

I angled my head toward the angry ranch hand.
“What’s his problem?”

“God, I’ve missed you,” Alex whispered so he
wasn’t overheard. He turned and waved goodbye to the onlookers, an
easy smile on his face. They waved in return, even the pissed-off
guy, before heading back to their work. “I’ll tell you as soon as
we’re on the road. Come on.”

We climbed into Maude and I turned her
around, pointing her in the general direction of I-10. Alex spoke
as soon as we cleared the ranch gates. “We need to find an RV site
and pull over. I need to kiss you.” He undid his seat belt and slid
across the bench seat before burying his face in my neck. “I’ve
missed you.” His warm breath tickled my skin and my cock
filled.

“Hmm, I’ve missed you too. Do up your seat
belt, then use your phone to find the nearest campground.”

Alex talked while looking at the screen. “I
guess I wasn’t so good at acting straight after all.”

“What does that mean? Are you okay?”

“
I’m fine,
nothing happened. Eric wasn’t happy I wouldn’t sleep with him. That
was him scowling from the corral. He’s closeted and thought I’d
make a nice distraction in the middle of the night when no one
could see. I turned him down, told him I was straight but
flattered, and he called me on it. Said if I was straight, he was
Liza Minnelli. I said I loved him in
Chicago
and forgot about it,
until the next night when he came into my room. In the
end,
I told him I had
a boyfriend who’d rip my balls off if I fucked anyone else. Then he
got all maudlin saying how he loved working with the horses and
being on the ranch but the homophobia and fear of being
beaten
were
enough to keep him in the closet.” Alex looked up from his
phone. “Take a left here.”

I signaled to turn. “So why was Eric so
pissed when I showed up?”

“He wants what we’ve got. He’s jealous of our
relationship. I feel for him. It can’t be easy being around all
those masculine men and not be true to yourself.”

I took
my
eyes off
the
road for a second to look at him with a raised eyebrow. “Just
how
masculine
were these men?”

Alex smiled and waggled his eyebrows.

WE PARKED for
the night at the first campground we came across, which was just
outside Beaumont. After scrambling over the seats, we stripped
quickly and came together on the mattress in a tumble of mouths,
hands, fingers, and tongues. Alex kissed me like never before, and
at one point I thought he was trying to crawl inside me. His lips
and hands not only worked their magic on my
body
but on my mind as well.
After he made love to me twice
—
which had me coming in record
time
,
leaving
me a sweaty, incoherent mess—he wrapped himself around me and
whispered in my ear, “I love you. I’m not going anywhere without
you ever again.”