Into You (24 page)

"Enough." He cut me off.

I stepped forward and put my hands on his waist. "Carter, I love you. He doesn't mean anything to me."

He took my hands off him and stepped away, over to the other side of the small kitchen and leaned against the counter. I knew I was over reacting, but it felt like he couldn't bear to be touched by me.

"He's married."

So much was communicated in those two words.
Everything that kept him distant and uninvolved in the beginning. All the insecurities caused by Jamie, it was all back.

I nodded. Wishing I never let that little fact leave my lips. But I did and now I had to face the consequences.

"Clearly he's older than I am, and he's married. How old is he, Liz?"

"He was a mistake. If I could do it all over again I would."

"How old is he?"

"Thirty eight."

"Fuck." Carter's hands covered his nose and mouth. "So you do have a thing for older men."

I knew what he was thinking. I h
ad to clear this up right away.

"It's not what you're thinking. I was very naive. My sophomore year I took a literary romance class. That's where we met."

"He took the class?"

I shook my head, nervous to get into all this. "He taught it."

Carter shook his head. "This just gets better and better."

"I told you before I was taken with him. He paid a lot of attention to me, and I was clearly his favorite. He'd recommend books and movies to me based on my answers and reactions I had to things my classmates said. I read one of the books and then started talking to him about it after class. That's when he asked me to meet him for dinner. I thought it was just to talk."

"Great, so now we know. Not only is he a liar and cheater, he uses his position to prey on young girls. What a gem."

"This was long before you, and I broke things off wi
th him. Why are you mad at me?"

He shook his head. "I'm not mad at you, I'm just mad. Okay?"

I took small steps over to where he stood. "You heard me tell him I'm not interested, right?"

He shook his head. "Actually, I heard you tell him to leave, to go back to his wife and kids, but you never told him you weren't interested."

"It was implied."

"Some things need to be said out loud."

He didn't move away, but standing with his arms crossed over his chest, he made no move to embrace or touch me.

"I'm saying it. I have no interest in him. You're the only one I want."

"You sure about that?"

I nodded. "Positive."

"When did he call?"

"Christmas.
I only answered because I thought it was my parents. They'd been calling my cell phone since we left."

             
"And you didn't bother to check the caller ID? Or did you want to talk to him?"

"I hung up on him. You must have heard that."

"You didn't tell me, and I can't help but wonder if it's because you still have feelings for him."

I looked down at the ring on my finger. "Carter, here's the deal. I love you. That's the bottom line. I made a promise to marry you. I don't take that lightly. You can stand there and question me all night, but eventually you have to decide whether or not you trust me."

"I'm just trying to understand. When you told me about him you didn't mention that he was older or married."

"Why
are either of those things important?"

"I think you know why."

"I'm not Jamie. In fact, I wasn't seeing anyone else the entire time I was with Mason. And I didn't know he was married. Not in the beginning." Frustrated, I ran my hand through my hair. "I knew he wasn't allowed to date his students. I thought that was why we had to meet several towns over. It was after six months when he wouldn't bring me home, wouldn't introduce me to his family that I started to get suspicious."

"Did you fuck him? After you found out he was married?"

I felt my face fill with color. Heat and shame spread through me at his words. I felt dirty, disgusting, like I was nothing more than a cheap whore. I didn't know in the beginning, and by the time I found out, we'd already been sleeping together.

I loved Mason, I believed he loved me. And with his promises to leave his wife, and baby girl, I had no reason to doubt him. Not until it never happened. Not until I heard him speaking to a colleague, and showing off his newest picture of his wife and four months old baby. I could see it was useless trying to explain this to Carter. He had his mind made up.

"Did you?" He asked again.

I had a hard time meeting his eyes; I believed I'd find judgment in them. I nodded.

"Damn it, Liz. What the hell is wrong with you?"

There it was, every reason I didn't want Carter to ever find out about Mason glaring at me.

"What made you finally decide to leave him?"

"Can we just end this?"

"We will, but I want to know." He squeezed his eyes closed. "I need to know."

"I overheard him telling another professor that his wife was pregnant again."

His face changed. He lost the cool, distant look in his eyes. Now he looked pained.

"How could you? Once you knew he had a wife and kid? How could he hurt his wife life that?"

Before I could answer, Carter's phone rang. A distraction. I didn't know if I should be grateful for it or not. He checked the caller ID before answering.

"Who is it?"

"I don't know."

"You should answer. It could be important."

"
This
is important."

I nodded. "Yes, it is. But I'm not going anywhere. One of the doctors you had dinner with tonight could be calling with good news."

He nodded. His grey eyes were still clouded with anger. I listened as Carter spoke, and his face changed from anger to a ghostly pale, full of pain and worry.

Carter 56

Carter

I heard the words, but it took me a moment to process what I was hearing. The voice was familiar, but I didn't make it out immediately. Not until she said her name.

"Carter, did you hear me? It's Jamie. Your father is in the hospital and it doesn't look good. I think you should come say goodbye."

I didn't answer. I couldn't. I just hung up. I don't know what I felt in those first few moments. I felt n
othing. Just an empty numbness.

I met Elizabeth's eyes. They were watching me intently. I pulled her in my arms. That's all I wanted. From the minute I left the restaurant I wanted Elizabeth in my arms, close to me. Why couldn't life be that simple? Why did the world have to conti
nue to move and spin around us.

"Are you okay?" she asked.

I shook my head trying to get the words out. It felt like an hour passed before I spoke. I'm sure it wasn't more than a minute or two, but the silence between us felt like the heavy lead apron the dentist places on your chest before he takes x-rays.

"I think he's dying. I think my father's dying."

As I said the words time disappeared. I was a little boy again, and he was the same father that tossed the baseball with me for hours at end. He was the man that shut down the office for all the functions and parties in my elementary school. He was the man I went to for advice. The man I loved and admired. The man who wanted desperately to make amends and help make my dreams come true. For those few moments, I was hit with the overwhelming reality that I might lose him for good. Forever.

"What?" Elizabeth looked horrified. Her arms wrapped around me, and I knew in my heart there was nowhere else she’d rather be. No one she'd rather be with. She was my perfect match and I was acting like an ass. "What happened?"

I shook my head. "I don't know. That was Jamie. She said I should get to the hospital."

"Do you know which one?"

"I'm not going."

"You have to go."

"Why? After everything that happened . . ."

"Because if he does die you can never do this over.
And it might eat away at you that you never got to say goodbye. You don't get second chances when it comes to death."

She was right. And I knew it. I redialed Jamie's number to get the details as we headed to my car.

"I'll drive, I don't think you're in any condition," she offered.

"I'm fine. Besides, I'll get us there faster."

"That's what I'm afraid of."

*

We rushed up to the intensive care unit. Jamie was in the waiting area on her phone. She hung up when she saw me.

"Is he . . .?" I couldn't finish the sentence. I couldn't force myself to say the words. I spent so much time feeding the anger I had for him, and now it might all be over with nothing to show for it, nothing but a bunch of wasted years. And it was all her fault.

She shook her head. "Not yet. He's unconscious. You should go in. I don't know if he could hear me or not, but I told him you were coming. I think he's waiting for you."

"Okay."

Elizabeth took a step forward with me.

"Only two people are allowed in at a time." Jamie said making it clear that she intended to be one of the two people.

"Of course. No problem." For my benefit Elizabeth forced a smile.

Jamie took my arm and slipped hers around it. Stunned, I hesitated only a moment before I brushed her off. I couldn't stop her from going in with me, but she didn't have to touch me. Elizabeth. I wanted Elizabeth by m
y side, but Jamie was his wife.

"It's okay. I'll be right here waiting." Elizabeth said before I turned and walked through the double doors of the ICU unit. Further proof of how well she understood what I needed. It was as if she knew what I was thinking and knew what I needed to hear.

It was very quiet. I didn't know what to expect, but for some reason I'd thought there would be a lot of activity, doctors and nurses running from patient to patient.

The unit was comprised of several individual private rooms on either side of the hall, with the nurses’ station in the middle. That accounted for the lack of noise. The walls
around each patient muffled it.

"Thank you for coming."

"I didn't come for you."

"I know. But if he's at all aware, I know this will make him feel better."

I glanced down at Jamie. Her big blue eyes were red and swollen. Could she really love him? Or was she just afraid if he died she'd be tossed out on her ass? If I had anything to say about it that's exactly what would happen.

"What happened?"

"I don't know for sure. He stayed late at the office. He called me a couple of hours ago. He didn't sound right. His breathing was off, and he was dizzy." She stopped. "I thought he should go to the ER and get checked out. He said he wasn't up to driving, but he'd call an ambulance and I should call you and meet him here. He also mentioned something about almonds. Either he smelled almonds or he smelled of almonds. I'm not sure. Carter, I'm afraid."

I didn't look into the room, I wasn't ready for that. Instead I kept my eyes on her. I had the feeling she was looking for me to take her in my a
rms and comfort her. Like hell.

"This is the room?"

She nodded with a sniffle.

Before I went in, I heard what sounded like someone playing a musical instrument. A range of notes rang out, almost like a mixture between a horn and a flute. And then I noticed the hiss, the pulling in of air and the release, like a large balloon being deflated. I covered my face with my hands, recomposing
myself. He was on a ventilator.

Fuck!

Before I made a move to step into the room, I watched in silence as a young nurse went in. I followed close behind her and stayed back, near the wall at the foot of the bed as she attended to my father. There was so much I wanted to ask, but I didn't know where to begin.

When I walked in it felt like I'd been kicked in the teeth. His eyes were closed, his body still. Wires and tubes ran from him to machines on either side of him. One detailed his vitals.
The other his breathing. His chest rose in an exaggerated way with every mechanical inhale, and sank down again as it sucked the air out of him.

My eyes fell on the numbers displayed on the machines. I didn't understand the intricacies of the respirator, but I did know that having blood pressure of eighty over forty wasn't a very good sign. Still evaluating him I noticed aside from the tube running from the ventilator to his mouth, a feeding tube
had been placed down his nose.

A clip was placed on his finger giving a display of the oxygen level of his body, a blood pressure cuff stayed on his arm ready to squeeze at regular intervals. The nurse checked on the bag hanging from the pole attached to the corner of his bed, some sort of IV. I shook my head as I took it all in and tried to make sense of the scene in front of me. I'd just seen him a week earlier. I couldn't believe this was the same man.