Irreparable (Wounded Souls) (14 page)

“I was thinking that I we are not some damn animals for people’s enjoyment, Momma.” I sigh and look around for Johnson.  I see him smoking a cigarette around the corner.

“Watch your mouth boy. I brought you into this world and I sure as hell can take you out of it.” She paces and Roger comes out.

“Now Jennifer, the boy is right. Everyone was staring. They have been through enough; they don’t need people making them feel like they are crazy now, too.”  He sighs and puts his hand on my arm. I feel like I should be mad at him but for the life of me I can’t.  I find comfort and peace in that touch and I want to laugh when my mother huffs and walks back in.

“I’ll talk to your momma, Jameson.  You’re right though. I suffered with PTSD when I came home from the Gulf War. It’s not easy to live with.” He sighs and looks at me. “You boys have a long road, but you both have fine young women to help you through it.” He smiles and turns to walk into the restaurant after my mother. God bless that man.

Sitting at the music shop banging away on a set of drums, I can’t help but smile.  Things have been going great with Sam and I, and I am actually thinking of asking her to marry me.  I’ve been down this road before, and it scares me to death.  Mary-Beth left me when I needed her the most. Will it happen again?

I hear the bell ding over the door and I see Johnson walking towards me. I take the head phones off my head and walk around the drum set. “Hey man, I was wondering when you’d show up.” I walk to the back and grab two water bottles from the fridge and walk back up to the counter where Johnson has planted his ass.

“Yeah, Anna and I have been on hiatus for a week or so. We are meeting up to talk in about an hour.” He shrugs and pulls at his nails, something I’ve noticed he does when he’s nervous. 

“Dude, it’s all going to work out. She’s not like her; she won’t run.”  He meets my gaze and I know the look in his eyes, the look of the unknown.

“I started going to counseling, and it started to help, but Jameson it’s hard to deal with, man.”  I put my hand on his shoulder and nod.  I know exactly where he’s been.  I was lucky enough to not get the post-traumatic stress disorder. I just got dealt everything else.

“Talk to Anna about it. She will be there for you; she’s a spitfire.” He smirks.

“Hell yeah she is.”  I hope for his sake I’m right about Anna. I don’t think Johnson can lose something else like this. 

Once you’ve been where we have, it’s hard to love someone the way I love Sam, and I am sure the way he thinks he loves Anna.  You wake up every morning wondering if today is going to be the day that person is stripped from your world.  It’s not easy to live with; you see threats before they come, and most of the time, it’s a threat that doesn’t even exist. 

“I just wanted to come and see what you were up to. I was wondering if you’d go with me to see the guys.  I think I need that to be able to live more of a normal life.”  He looks at me and I sigh.

“Blake, I want to go but I just don’t think I can. I’m not ready for that. I just can’t deal with the stress of it. I’m not ready to say goodbye.”  I sigh and run my fingers through my hair.

“Dude, no one is ever really ready to say goodbye. You are never going to be able to move forward in your own future if you keep holding on to your past.” He places his hand on my shoulder then drinks a bit of his water. “I’ll wait until you’re ready but man you need to get your shit together.” I sigh and look up at him.

“I didn’t tell you I ran into Kate.” I look down and pull my label off my water bottle as I read his expression.

“No, I am pretty sure you left that out.” He folds his arms over his chest and stares me down.

“Well, it kind of goes along with Sam’s secret which is why. I went with Sam to see her friends, and her friends turned out to be Jackson’s brother and his wife.”  I take a deep breath in and let it out in a huff.

“Well, that sure is coincidence, Carter. I think Fate is telling you to get up off your ass and do what you need to do to move on. This will eat you alive if you let it. It will tear you apart. Don’t let it.” He uncrosses his arms and pats my back.

“I’m off to go meet Anna for lunch. Call me when you’re ready to face the damn facts bro.”  He walks out of the shop and I go back to banging on my drum set.  Seems like the only way I can relieve my stress these past couple of days.

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As I get to my apartment, I’m reminded of how things have just been crazy lately. Sam and I are living in a pattern, which is nice but it seems like things aren’t flowing as smoothly. It’s been a month since we went to see Isabella. Sam has been much happier knowing that she actually did protect the one thing she thought she couldn’t.  Seeing Isabella happy made her happy.  It gave her the healing she needed to move on with her life.  I’ve come to realize Samantha Blalock is way stronger than I am.  She doesn’t give up on things and she makes herself deal with the past. 

I am a coward; I can’t deal with losing four guys that meant everything to me.  I can’t deal with knowing or thinking that I could have stopped what happened, even if I really couldn’t.  It’s hard for me to accept that there was nothing I could do to save them.  That is the hardest thing to get past. There was not a damn thing I could do to save four outstanding men; four sons, one father. Looking into the face of Matt’s son hit me the hardest, to know that he never would get to meet his father. 

I go into the kitchen and grab the bottle of whiskey and take a huge gulp, welcoming the burn.  It helps to dull the pain in my heart as the heat slides down my throat and into my stomach.  An hour later, the whole bottle is gone and I am lying on the couch when I hear the door open.  The bottle is right beside the couch and I know she can see it.

“Jameson?” Sam comes and stands in front of me, leaning over me as I lay on the couch.  “What the hell are you doing?  Did you really consume that whole bottle of Jack Daniels?”  She waits for an answer but my mind doesn’t comprehend a damn thing she says, so I just grunt and roll over and fall asleep.

I wake up the next morning with a pounding headache and look over to see a not so happy Sam sitting in the recliner just watching me. 

“Get your ass up. We need to talk.  There’s a bottle of water and some aspirin on the table in front of you.”  Oh shit, that doesn’t sound like a good talk coming my way. 

“Sam, please not right now.” I start to lean forward to take the pills and my head jerks with her tone. “Oh, it’s happening now Jameson. This is beyond ridiculous.”  I sit up and take the pills and drink the whole bottle of water.

“You promised me if I faced my demon you would do the same. Well, I have been patient. I have tried to wait and see if you would do it, and you haven’t.  Jameson, you either face the past and move on so we can have a future, or I am going to walk out of this door and I will leave you to delve into your past. Alone.” Wait, what? Did she just say she was leaving me?

“Sam, I am not strong like you. I can’t go there. I… I’m not ready for that.”  I sigh and put my head in my hands. 

“Jameson, I know it’s hard babe, but you’re killing yourself with the guilt.” She comes and sits beside me and grabs my hand.

“What you’re doing to yourself Jameson, it’s not healthy. I know because I have lived it.” She shakes her head.  “I cannot watch you go down the same destructive path I did.   After I gave Isabella to Heather and Declan, my life changed.  I drank all the time because let’s face it, I could.  I didn’t have a child inside me I had to worry about anymore. So I drank.” She runs her fingers through her hair and looks at me as she relives her past yet again. This is the side I never got to see.

“I drank and then when the pain became so unbearable inside of me, I inflicted pain on myself.” She smiles and points to the intricate pattern running down her arm.  “It cost me over two grand for this arm of pain, but it helped me get the pain out in a healthy way.  Man, you should have seen mom’s face when I came home the first day with one of the tattoos.  It was this lily right here.”

She smiles and points at the purple lily on her arm. “I drank, I got tattoos and I slowly lost the sweet Samantha I had always been. I see you going the same route Jameson.”  She gets up and comes and puts my face in her hands.  “Jameson, all that this is doing,” picking up the empty bottle of whiskey on the floor, “All it’s doing to you is numbing something you can’t get rid of, and it’s making you even more miserable.”

“You need to face this, and until you do, I’m done.  We can’t have a future if you can’t let go of your past.”  She kisses me on the lip softly and then stands, grabs her bag and walks out the door.

Well fuck me. There goes the second woman my life has sent packing.  The question is… is Samantha worth facing the past? 

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A week has gone by; a week of my music store being closed because I am too drunk to get up and go open the doors.  My mother is not happy about that. “Not everything in life goes the way you want, Jameson,” she says in her perfect little tone.

She tells me like I don’t know that. I sure as hell didn’t want Jackson to step on that damn bomb.  I sure didn’t want my legs to be blown to shit, and I surely didn’t want Mary-Beth to walk out.  Even if a better relationship did come out of it. 

Hearing a knock at the door I ignore it, but then a key is placed in the door and I perk up; she’s come back to me. I sit up and look at the door and then I see the bright red hair in the sunlight. That is definitely not Sam.

“Jameson, I saw you lay back down. Get your ass up now Carter!” I growl at Blake; I don’t want to deal with him today. “Really Carter, are you going to let this keep you from being with Sam?”  He growls and slaps my face. “Wake the fuck up Carter! You are ruining your life and none of us want that for you.  Not Black, Andrews, Jackson, or Miller.  Get up, get showered and dressed. I am making the decision for you.”  He pulls my hand and helps me up and into the shower.  “Sober up, man up, grab your coins and let’s go.”

I turn on the shower as he walks out of the room and I groan and I pull my clothes off.  Damn I smell horrible. When was the last time I took a shower?  Oh yeah, four nights ago.  I step into the shower and huff as the hot water runs over my skin.  I imagine Sam and how I want a life with her and I realize Johnson is right.  None of the guys would want this for me.  It’s just not easy forgetting something like what I went through.  I grab an overnight bag and my wallet. 

I walk into the living room, nod my head and walk to the door. I don’t have to say a word; it’s time to deal with this.  We both get in the car and then he speaks.

“Your mom bought the ticket this week, for both of us. She begged me to bring you Carter. You’re losing yourself man.”  Blake looks at me and then back at the road and doesn’t say a word until we are on the plane headed for Virginia.

Walking into Arlington National Cemetery is something I haven’t done since my father was buried. It wasn’t so hard to do then because I was thirteen years old.  Walking into it now to say goodbye to people whose deaths feel like your fault, is worse than any pain I have dealt with.  My heart is beating fast and hard in my chest and I fear I really may go into cardiac arrest.  I thought I was ready for this but I am most certainly not.  I start to hyperventilate and turn to leave, but Johnson puts his hands on my chest.

“You have to do this Jameson. Do this for your future; do it because you need to.  Don’t let this stop you from moving on with your life Carter. You need this. If you want a future with Sam, you need to take this step.  You’re already here. I’m with you.  We have survived something way more dangerous than this. We can do this together.” He puts his hand on my shoulder and looks me in the eye. He’s right but I just don’t know if this is something I can do.

We start to walk down the rows and rows of grave markers and finally we reach the four we are here to see. I pat the coins resting in my pocket against my thighs. I can’t help but smile as I see all of the coins on the graves of other soldiers.  Johnson stops and lets me walk over to the first grave; it’s like he knows this is something I need to do.