W
ALKER ARRIVED
at the hospital shortly after one in the afternoon. Cal had called to say Penny was ready to deliver, so by the time Walker arrived, Reid was standing in front with good news.
“A girl,” Reid said with a grin as he pounded Walker on the back. “She’s kinda red and squashed, but Penny and Cal think she’s beautiful so don’t say anything.”
“You seen Penny yet?”
“For a couple of seconds. She’s tired but happy. There’s some test for newborns and the baby did great, so that’s good.”
Walker knew both Cal and Penny had to be relieved. Penny had miscarried their first baby years ago.
“Dani’s here,” Reid told him as he led him to the elevator and pushed the up button. “She was the standby coach in case Cal couldn’t do it, but he managed. Said he nearly passed out a couple of times.” Reid grimaced. “I never much thought about having kids. Now I’m thinking I won’t.”
“Based on Cal’s one experience?” Walker asked. “You might want to come up with a better reason.”
They stepped onto the elevator. “Do I need one?” Reid asked. “Do you?” He narrowed his gaze. “It’s Elissa, isn’t it? Her daughter’s getting to you.”
Walker wasn’t about to admit that. “Zoe’s a good kid, but that doesn’t mean I’m ready to be a father.”
He’d never thought about having a family because he’d long ago decided he would never get married. Connections weren’t for him. He couldn’t be trusted.
Except the familiar litany no longer had such a ring of truth. After all these years, was he willing to let the past go? Was he willing to forgive himself?
They stepped off the elevator and onto a long corridor. The maternity ward was bright and airy, but the underlying smell of hospital was still there. Walker flashed back to visiting soldiers in makeshift wards after a battle and then he remembered visiting Charlotte after her first surgery. How she’d been scared and he’d promised she would be fine.
He’d been wrong. And then he’d left. He swore silently as he remembered her tears when she figured out he was leaving, that he wasn’t going to stick around and watch her die.
He should have stayed. He should have been there for her. They’d been in love, and when the going had gotten tough…
So did he have the right to forgive himself? Did he have the right to acknowledge the mistake and move on? She had told him to. Maybe that’s what made this all so difficult—that she’d been able to see what no one else had. His coward’s heart.
He’d faced death, had sent men to die. He’d been wounded, taken prisoner for an ugly three weeks and had lived to tell the tale. But did that change who he was inside? He wasn’t as concerned about anyone else trusting him as he was about trusting himself.
“Hey, big guy.”
Walker turned at the sound of the familiar voice. But the woman walking toward him wasn’t exactly the tall, brunette bombshell he remembered. She still wore leather pants and come-fuck-me boots, but her walk, her smile, everything else was different. Softer. Happy.
“Naomi.”
She smiled, shrugged, then moved toward him and hugged him. “In the flesh, so to speak.”
“You look good,” he said.
“I feel good,” she told him as she stepped back.
“You’re still hot.”
“I do okay.” She linked arms with him. “Have you seen the baby?”
“No.”
“Then let me show you. She’s beautiful.” She led him down the corridor. “How are you doing? Penny told me you’ve taken over Buchanan Enterprises. I would never have predicted that happening.”
“Me, either. But there wasn’t anyone else.”
“There’s always someone else. But I’m sure they appreciate you stepping up and saving them from the job.”
They stopped in front of the nursery. Naomi glanced around. “Oh, they’re still fussing with her. She’ll be along in a few minutes. So are you happy?”
“Are you?” he asked, sidestepping a typically blunt Naomi question.
She smiled. “Yes. Blissfully so. My husband and I are back together. The old fool didn’t bother to fall out of love with me, which makes no sense.”
“You’d be hard to replace.”
“Aren’t you sweet for saying that.” She sighed. “We have a lot of work to do on the relationship, but we’re determined. We’re also going to adopt a little girl from China. We’ve sent in the paperwork and we’re very hopeful.”
He knew about the loss of her son and how she’d nearly lost herself in the grief. “Good for you.”
“Have you found Ashley?”
He didn’t want to think of failing Ben, but he was running out of names on the list. “Not yet. I’m beginning to think she doesn’t exist.”
“She does and you’ll find her,” Naomi told him. “Have faith.”
“There’s not a lot of that going around.”
“There should be.” She faced him and took his hands in hers. “You’re a good man, Walker Buchanan. One of the best I know, and I’ve known plenty. Don’t give up on yourself or the world and don’t stop saving people, especially yourself.”
“I haven’t saved anyone,” he said gruffly, not believing a word of it, but also unwilling to get trapped into an emotional moment.
“You saved me,” she said quietly. “You saved my life in more ways than you can know.” She raised herself onto her toes and lightly kissed his mouth. “For old times’ sake, whatever the hell that means.”
He touched her cheek. “I’m glad you found your way.”
“Me, too. I wish you could—” She sighed, then swore. “Okay, there’s a very attractive woman in her midtwenties glaring at me like I’m the devil with boobs. I’m guessing you know her.”
Walker held in a groan as he turned and saw Elissa standing about six feet away. She’d obviously gone home and changed because she wasn’t wearing her chicken uniform. She also didn’t look all that happy.
He stepped back from Naomi, but knew it was too little too late and that he was going to have a hell of a lot of explaining to do. Before he could figure out how to start or what to say, Naomi released his hands and walked over to Elissa.
“Hi, I’m Naomi,” she said with an easy smile. “I’m an old friend of Penny’s and a friend of the family. I mean that. I’ve even seen Cal naked—which is a fascinating story, if I do say so myself. I’m happily married and Walker never really saw me as anything significant anyway, but I will admit to trying.”
Too much information,
Elissa thought, feeling both embarrassed and exposed. She felt as if she’d walked in on something intimate and she didn’t like being the outsider.
“Nice to meet you,” she said, forcing herself to smile and hoping she looked pleasant instead of shell-shocked. She’d known Walker had flaws, but she hadn’t considered kissing other women would be one of them.
“Okay. I’m going to go check on Penny,” the other woman said and strolled away.
Elissa watched her go. Naomi was everything she wasn’t—tall, elegant, confident and beautiful. Worse, Elissa could imagine Walker with her. They would have made a stunning couple. Both fiercely sexual and larger than life.
“Elissa,” Walker said awkwardly. “Naomi and I are friends. Nothing more.”
“Now,” Elissa murmured as she fought the sudden wave of nausea that swept over her. “Before you were a whole lot more.”
“We weren’t romantically involved,” he said. “I want you to know that.”
“But you
were
lovers.”
She didn’t mean to say that. The words simply popped out on their own.
He was silent for a long time, then admitted, “Once.”
Great. Once as in “one time” or once as in “once upon a time but it lasted for weeks and weeks?” Not sure she could handle the truth, she drew in a deep breath.
“No biggie,” she said, lying and hoping he couldn’t tell.
“It’s not,” he told her, moving close and gazing into her eyes. “I could have said we weren’t lovers, but I don’t want to lie to you. It was one time. We were lost souls looking for a little peace, nothing more.”
He was both making the situation better and worse, she thought, wishing she could see the humor in it. Maybe later, when she didn’t feel so raw. Intellectually she knew that his wanting to clear the air was a good thing. It meant his relationship with her was important. But why did he have to have slept with an Amazon beauty? Why not some silly mousy blonde with the personality of a cucumber?
“Are we all right?” he asked.
She nodded, then pointed as “Baby Buchanan” was placed in her bassinet.
They turned to stare at the infant. Walker said something about Reid saying she wasn’t all that much to look at but he thought she wasn’t so bad. Elissa may have responded. She wasn’t completely sure. Mostly because her brain had frozen, just like a computer in the middle of a glitch. There was only one thought in her head and it played over and over again until it had burned itself into her neurons or synapses or whatever it was in her brain.
That she could never be beautiful and amazing like Naomi or any of the other women Walker rescued. That she was just a lost soul, too, and wasn’t this a hell of a time to realize she was in love with him?
E
LISSA FOUND HERSELF
somewhere she wasn’t sure she was ever going to be again…standing in front of her parents’ house. She hadn’t meant to drive here. Somehow her car had gotten on the freeway and this was where she’d ended up.
Her whole body hurt and the list of reasons why seemed to stretch on forever. Just a few weeks ago, she’d felt really good about her life. Suddenly everything had changed and not necessarily for the better. She’d thought she was handling it, the stress of Neil, building her jewelry business, watching her baby grow up and start school. But seeing the stunning brunette in Walker’s arms had created the last crack in her already crumbling facade.
But to run here? Her last encounter with her mother had been less than friendly. To be honest, she wasn’t sure they were even speaking. This was crazy.
She turned to leave, then stopped when the front door opened. Her mother stood there.
“I thought I heard a car pull up,” she said, her expression unreadable. “Elissa. Are you all right?”
Elissa opened her mouth, closed it and stunned them both by bursting into tears.
“I’ll take that as a no,” her mother said, stepping out onto the porch and putting an arm around her. “Come on inside, honey. Whatever the problem is, I know we can fix it.”
Elissa allowed herself to be led into the house. It felt good to relinquish control of her life, even for a few minutes, to pretend to be that young girl who had always run home when there was trouble.
Why hadn’t she done that when she’d found out she was pregnant? Why had she taken the word of a thirteen-year-old?
“I was afraid you’d stopped loving me,” she said with a sob. “That’s why I believed Bobby. I knew I’d hurt you and I knew you’d be so mad. I thought you’d want to punish me and I was afraid if I came back you would tell me to go away.”
“Never,” her mother said, rubbing her back as she guided them into the kitchen. “You’re my daughter, my firstborn child, Elissa. I love you. I’ll always love you. There’s nothing you could ever do to change that.” She sighed. “I’m sorry I got sick. I’m sorry we stopped looking.”
Elissa sank into a kitchen chair and looked at her. “That’s not your fault. I’m sorry I ran away, Mom. I’m the reason you got sick.”
Her mother sat next to her and reached for her hand. “You were a kid. I wish I’d been stronger. If we’d just kept looking a little longer, we would have found you.” Tears filled her mother’s eyes. “You could have come home.”
Home.
That sounded nice. Except this wasn’t her home anymore. She had her own family and her own life.
“I really blew it,” Elissa said and wiped her face with her free hand. “Really bad.” She swallowed. “I don’t know how to tell you, even.”
“Just start at the beginning and go until you’re done.”
Which sounded so easy. She drew in a deep breath. “Zoe’s father isn’t dead. He’s alive and currently here, in Seattle. His name is Neil.”
She explained the ugly truth about him, about their relationship and how stupid she’d been. She detailed the drug use, the blackmail and how he’d found her at the craft fair.
“I know he’s going to keep coming after me for money,” she said. “I went to a lawyer and she was pretty useless. Basically she tried to convince me there was nothing wrong with Neil wanting to see Zoe. Only I won’t let that happen. I can’t. Do you know what he’d do to her? What he’d expose her to?”
“Of course you’re not going to let him see her,” her mother said firmly. “My God, that woman was an idiot. Neil isn’t interested in his parental rights. No one has the right to use a child like that. You need a different lawyer.”
“That’s what Walker said,” Elissa admitted. “He’s going to help me find someone who can take on Neil and win.” Walker. She didn’t want to think about him now, but how could she not.
“He’s been so good to me,” she murmured. “So
there.
No guy’s ever been there like him. He’s strong and caring and really amazing.” The tears started up again. “And that sounds really perfect, doesn’t it? But it’s not perfect. Because finally, after all the losers I got involved with and promising myself I’d never fall for anyone again, I did. I fell for him. I love him and he doesn’t love me.”
She hiccuped and brushed away her tears again. “I know he likes me, but that’s not love. He won’t let himself love. He feels guilty about some stuff that happened a long time ago and while I understand that, I don’t think I can get him to realize it’s time to let the past go. He thinks he’s not good enough or worthy or something. But I think he’s worthy. I get that what he did happened a long time ago. He was really young and he needs to give himself a break. And maybe he would, except there’s Naomi who’s so tall and beautiful and about as far from average as anyone could get. How am I supposed to compete against that?”
Fresh sobs broke free. Her mother moved closer and hugged her tight.
“You have a lot on your plate.”
“I guess,” Elissa said, fighting back tears. How long could one breakdown take?
But her mother didn’t pressure her to stop or straighten up or be strong. Instead she held her, rocking back and forth.
When Elissa finally felt able to get a little control, she straightened. “So, Mom, how are you?”
The two women laughed.
“The way I see it,” her mother said a few minutes later over coffee and cookies, “you need to prioritize. Neil has to be dealt with first. Walker’s right. You do need a good lawyer. One who’ll kick Neil’s ass.”
Elissa raised her eyebrows. “I don’t remember you ever saying ‘ass’ before.”
“I kept that sort of thing from my children,” her mother said primly. “But you’re an adult now. I also say ‘damn,’ but that’s about all. Your father uses the really dirty words.”
Information she did not need, Elissa thought wryly.
“Anyway,” her mother said. “Back to the lawyer. We can help with the money.”
“You don’t have to do that.”
“I want to and your father will, as well. Besides, the money’s actually yours. Your college fund,” she said, then shrugged. “It’s just been sitting there compounding. We always wanted you to come home and learn you had a nest egg waiting. I was thinking you’d use it for a down payment on a house, but this is more important. Let’s skin the weasel.”
Despite everything, Elissa laughed. “Go, Mom!”
“I can be tough,” her mother said.
“I know you can.” She hesitated. “I’m sorry I got weird before…about you seeing Zoe. I was upset and confused. I want you to be a part of her life. I want her to know how amazing you and Dad are.”
“I know, honey. You shouldn’t worry about that. We have a lot to deal with and a lot of catching up to do. That’s going to take time and cause a little stress, but we’ll get through it. I’ve been thinking about that lately—all you did. How you made it on your own with a baby. You had no job skills, no education, nothing but determination. I’m not sure I would have been so successful.”
“You would have,” Elissa said softly. “You would have done it for me or Bobby.”
“The power of loving a child.” Her mother pushed the plate of cookies toward her. “All right. We’ve reconciled, we have a plan for Neil, so what about Walker?”
Elissa bit into a cookie and chewed. “I don’t know what to do. I don’t know how to get through to him.”
“Tell him the truth,” her mother advised. “Tell him you love him.”
“What? I can’t say that.”
“Why not? What’s the worst that will happen?”
What would be the worst? “I’ll never see him again. He’ll run and I’ll be alone.”
“You’ve been alone before. So that’s survivable. And if he runs, then he’s not the man for you. Loving someone is a gift and if the guy in question is too stupid to realize that, then you’re better off without him. Wouldn’t you want to know that sooner rather than later?”
Elissa thought about the wonderful times she and Walker had shared. The way he was so patient with Zoe, how great he was in bed. “I prefer later.”
Her mother raised her eyebrows. “Are you sure about that?”
Elissa sighed. “Okay, not the mature answer, I know. You’re right. Find out now and then I can get started on getting over him. How’s that?”
“Better,” her mother said. “Besides, don’t you want him to know? Even if it doesn’t work out, wouldn’t it be better to tell him so you don’t spend the rest of your life wondering ‘what if?’”
“You’re using logic in a matter of the heart. I’m not sure that’s even legal.”
“Trust him to do the right thing,” her mother said. “If you can’t do that, then trust yourself to survive whatever happens.”
W
ALKER SCROLLED
through the August numbers. Business was up, which was what he liked to see. Apparently the employees liked having more responsibility and they were proving it in a tangible way. If this kept up another month, Buchanan Enterprises was due for its best year yet.
A fact that would fry his grandmother, he thought cheerfully. Maybe knowing he was doing a damn good job would encourage her to get better more quickly.
His phone buzzed. “A Mr. Dalton on line one for you,” Vicki said. “He won’t tell me what it’s about.”
Walker frowned as he picked up the receiver. “Buchanan,” he said.
“Good afternoon, Mr. Buchanan,” the man on the other end said. “I’m Jonathan Dalton. My firm specializes in placing highly qualified candidates in growth opportunities. If you have a few minutes, I’d like to tell you about just such an opportunity because you’re exactly the kind of candidate we’re looking for.”
It took him a second to realize the guy was a headhunter. “What’s the business?” he asked and braced himself for a detailed explanation of gunrunning, security or straight-out black ops.
“A small chain of restaurants in Idaho. They’re not The Waterfront or Buchanan’s,” Dalton said heartily. “But that’s our client’s goal. To grow the business. To reach a higher level of quality and service, not to mention appeal. The salary is generous and there is ownership potential. Let me tell you a little bit about the company.”
Dalton continued to talk, but Walker wasn’t listening. Restaurants? The guy was calling him about restaurants? Not war or danger or death?
“Are you familiar with my background?” Walker asked. “You know I was in the Marines for nearly fifteen years.”
“Of course. Our client believes that kind of experience builds leadership. Now you have hands-on in the restaurant business, which makes you the perfect candidate.”
Walker doubted that a few weeks of running the family company qualified as “hands-on experience” but it was good to hear someone else did. Until that moment, he’d never seriously considered he might have a career outside of something military.
“I appreciate you thinking of me,” he said, “but I’m not interested. I’m going to be tied up here for several more months.” Then he didn’t know what he was going to do, but there seemed to be dozens of possibilities.
Mr. Dalton sighed. “I was afraid you were going to say that. All right. I understand. But I’d like to send you some information on our firm. You’re exactly the kind of person we like to offer our clients. Perhaps you could send me a résumé when you have time.”
“Sure thing,” Walker said, thinking now he’d have to write one.
He finished with the call, then walked to the window and stared out at Gloria’s view.
A few weeks ago, he’d felt as if he didn’t have any choices. Running the company had been a job he’d taken on by default, yet he’d quickly found himself enjoying his work. Was he a tycoon in the making?
The thought made him smile. Maybe not a tycoon, but there were other things he could do. Other jobs, other careers. He still had his ghosts, but they came less frequently. The dreams were still there and would be until he found that one person who cared.
After fifteen years in the Corps, he should know how to move on. He had known, until Ben. Until that kid had gotten under his skin. He, Walker, had vowed to keep Ben alive and he’d failed.
He wouldn’t fail again.
“I
WAS
ON THE ROAD A LOT
,” Reid said, annoyed with himself for even bothering to explain to someone who wasn’t interested.
Lori Johnston stood in the center of Gloria’s large library and stared at him blankly. “I have no idea what you’re talking about.”
Of course she didn’t, he thought irritably. She’d passed judgment on him and then had dismissed him. Just as he should have dismissed her. But he hadn’t. No matter where he went or what he did or who he was with, he kept remembering her comment about him ignoring his grandmother and that being the reason she was so difficult.
“She doesn’t like people,” he said.
“Who?” Lori asked in the kind of tone usually reserved for dealing with the mentally disabled.
“My grandmother. She’s not a people person.”
“I haven’t met her yet,” Lori said, obviously not the least bit interested in the conversation. “I’m sure she’s perfectly lovely.”
“She’s not. She difficult and demanding. She has her grandchildren followed. Walker’s seen the reports. She actually hires private investigators to find out about our lives.”
Lori’s steady, cool gaze drilled into him. “Perhaps if her grandchildren were more interested in her well-being than in their own, she wouldn’t be forced to resort to such drastic measures.”
“Forced? No one’s forcing her. She’s doing this all on her own and do you know why?”
“Because she’s lonely and you’re the only family she has in the world and you’re too busy for her?”
He wanted to hit something or strangle something. His gaze zeroed in on her neck. “You haven’t even met the woman. Why are you taking her side?”
“In my experience, the elderly are often abandoned or at the very least, shuffled aside. You yourself said you were on the road all the time. What does that say about your relationship with your grandmother?”
His fingers twitched. “I played baseball. Of course I was gone. That’s what the job involves. Traveling from city to city.”
“For a season,” Lori said. “How long is that? Five or six months? What about the rest of the year?” She walked to the tall windows and pulled open the drapes. Sunlight spilled onto the hardwood floor. “You’re trying to convince me of something, Mr. Buchanan, but I can’t figure out what. My advice is that you stop trying. Seriously. You and I don’t need much more than a very casual relationship for me to do my job.” She smiled. “It’s not as if we’ll be seeing a lot of each other.”