Ishmael and the Hoops of Steel (31 page)

‘Ah, the memories!' Scobie sighed then looked at the rest of us. ‘Poetry? – doubtful. Heavy metal, punk lyrics? – just maybe.'

‘I'm telling you, Scobes, it'll rock big time. I reckon it sounds even better than when I first wrote it. Must've matured with age or something.'

‘A bit like cheese?' Ignatius suggested helpfully. ‘Well, it definitely has something in common with a vintage blue vein, anyway.'

‘Hey, thanks, Prindabuddy! I knew you'd eventually come around. So it's all settled then. The Hoops of Steel will debut at the St Daniel's Battle of the Bands performing their original composition, “Hot or what!”. Are we all in?'

Razz placed his hand palm down on the table. Here we go again. Scobie laid his hand on top. Bill and Ignatius looked at each other and shrugged in synch. Two more hands joined the stack. Everyone's eyes moved to me.

‘It's for Miss Tarango, dude,' Razz said.

I said once before that for Miss Tarango we'd coat ourselves in honey and dance in front of a pack of bears. But I never thought we'd do anything this crazy.

Reluctantly I lowered my hand to complete the pile.

Just as we were unstacking our hands, Miss Tarango herself came bustling in. She was carrying a big bunch of manila folders and struggling to hold some sheets of paper in her hand.

‘A bit of marking to do there, miss?'

‘Unfortunately, just the tip of the iceberg, Orazio, and I'm way behind. Here, boys, take one of these forms before I drop the lot. It's for the formal. Only a few weeks away now, and I really need to get table arrangements finalised. Here's the deal. You can have up to six couples at your table but no more. If you need a partner just indicate that on the sheet in the space provided. You must have that form completed and back to me by Monday at the latest, OK? Don't forget. Ciao.'

After a quick flash of the dimples Miss Tarango bustled off.

‘Man, Miss needs to chill a bit,' Razz said. ‘I reckon it's
definitely
time I started working on getting her and Woody together.'

‘I think she'd be happier if you just filled out that formal thing,' I told him.

‘Luckily, the Razzman can multi-task,' he said, dragging the sheet in front of him and pulling a pen from Prindabel's top pocket. There were spaces for six couples. Razz wrote his name in the first one and added Sally's beside it.

‘So Scobes, you're all fixed up with Prudles, right? And Ishmael, you're set with the Kelster?'

We both nodded happily and Razz added the four of us.

‘Prindabuddy, you're still tight with Good Lordy Miss Maudie, aren't you?'

‘Ah, actually, no,' Ignatius said. ‘We've just broken up.'

‘Bummer, man! Got dumped, hey, dude? Did she catch you sending suggestive texts to your laptop or did she just get stronger glasses?'

‘No,
I
broke off with
her
.'

‘What! Are you mad? You actually had a chick who was willing to be seen in public with you. What are the chances of that ever repeating itself? What happened, man?'

‘We didn't have much in common.'

‘You can not be serious. You guys were like two nerds in a pod.'

‘Not really,' Ignatius said. ‘She was more into physics and chemistry and I'm more into maths and biology.'

‘Those mixed marriages never work,' Razz said. ‘So, I'll put you down as needing a partner then.'

‘No. I've already asked someone else.'

Razz clutched at his heart.

‘What? Who? How?'

‘Her name's Lily Nguyen. I met her at the Science Expo last term.'

‘P-buddy, you're a chick electro-magnet! Now I know why you're so keen on all those nerdy seminar things. You just go there to pick up hot geek chicks.'

A crooked smile slid on to Prindabel's face. ‘No,' he said as he straightened his tie, ‘the hot geek chicks go there to pick
me
up.'

Prindabel hissed out a jerky laughing fit and there were high fives all round.

‘All right, that's enough hilarity for one day,' Razz said, returning to the Formal sheet. ‘Billy Boy, I'm adding your
name down at number five on this list, man. No arguments, pal. You're coming. You can't pike out on us like last year. The Fab Five gotta be together for our Senior Formal. Miss Tarango can hook you up with a token partner for the night.'

Bill agreed without much enthusiasm.

‘Did you ever get around to having that talk with your father, Bill?' Scobie asked. It was a question I'd wanted to put to Bill for a while but had never found the right time.

Bill shook his head. ‘He's been overseas for ages. Only made a couple of quick trips home. He's back in about a month and then he's here for a while. I'll speak to him then. Definitely.'

‘Don't suppose you had anyone you wanted to bring to the Formal anyway, Bilbo,' Razz said.

Bill took a moment to respond.

‘I did, actually.'

‘
Really?
' Razz said leaning in. ‘Anyone we know?'

Bill nodded again.

Razz leant further. ‘
Really?
What, so you mean it's someone here at St Daniel's? Someone in Year Twelve?'

‘Yes,' Bill said.

Razz's eyes grew large. ‘
Really?
Who?'

Bill shrugged. ‘What does it matter? I can't go with them anyway.'

‘I don't see why not.'

Everyone turned and looked at Scobie.

‘Why not?' he repeated. ‘You should be able to bring whoever you want – same as everyone else. If you like, I'll go with you and we'll see Brother Jerome about it.'

‘Yeah, Billy Boy. We'll all back you up, man. And I reckon Ms Heckenvaal, Miss Tarango and Mr G would be on your side too. And if they don't let you take who you want I'll chain myself to the flagpole! Just like all those old Suffering Jets dudettes did.'

‘Thanks, Razz,' Bill said, ‘but even if Brother Jerome was OK with it, there'd be heaps of people – other Year Twelves
and teachers and parents – who wouldn't be. And someone'd kick up a stink and cause a lot of trouble and I don't want to do that to the school.'

‘Man, it's so stupid,' Razz said shaking his head, ‘but you're right, Bilbo. Same thing happened with Sal's formal. There were these two chicks, one from Year Twelve and one from Yearr Eleven, who wanted to go together and there was all this crap about it. Even made the news. In the end those two chicks just had a gutful and pulled out. Didn't go at all. Sal was really pissed that her friend from Year Twelve missed out on going to her own Formal. She reckoned …'

Razz froze as if his power source had just shut down. Then he gazed about like he was in
The Matrix
and the world around him was finally revealing itself.

‘Well, I've got it, haven't I?' he said as a disturbing smile stretched across his face. ‘I've figured it out and it's beautiful, man. It's beyond genius. I am donating my brain to science. It would be a crime against humanity if I didn't.'

‘I'm certain any scientist involved in the study of abnormal behaviour would be very grateful to have the opportunity to study your brain, Orazio,' Ignatius said.

‘Perhaps you could let us in on your
revelation
, Orazio?'

‘Sure, Scobes. What we do is this,' Razz said, pausing for dramatic effect. ‘We match Billy Boy and his “preferred partner” up with those two Lourdes chicks I was telling you about. You know what Formals are like – heaps of people sitting around tables and dancing in groups together. Half the time it's hard to tell who's sitting or dancing with who. See what I'm saying? So as long as no one gets too carried away on the night, who will know? Billy and his partner will be happy. The girls will be happy. It's another classic win, win, win, win situation.'

That worried me a bit, but I think this time Razz might have finally got it right. He obviously thought so too. He was now bobbing his head around at all us.

‘What do you reckon, dudes? Am I a genius or what?'

Scobie answered for everyone. ‘Orazio, I may have to download you an application form for MENSA.'

‘Cool!' Razz said, ‘I've always wanted to be an astronaut! So, Billy Boy, what do
you
say, dude? Are you and your mystery man up for it?'

‘Well, yeah,' Bill said, looking the happiest I'd seen him for a while. ‘Yeah, if we could be at a table with all you guys and those girls are happy too, that'd be good. That'd be great.'

‘Awesome. I'll get on to Sally and see what those two chicks say. And even if there's some problem, we can still get Miss to find other partners for you. So don't worry, whatever happens, you and Mr X will be at our table.'

Then Razz slid the sheet across to Bill and laid his pen on top of it.

‘So … you want to write the name of your partner down on the sixth spot?'

Bill hesitated a moment, then printed a name carefully on the sheet and pushed it back to the middle of the table.

We all leant in.

‘
REALLY?
'
we all said together.

The Hoops of Steel had their first rehearsal the following Saturday afternoon at my place. Razz got dropped over early by his mum so we could work with Dad on putting his poem to music before the others arrived. Uncle Ray was there too because he and Dad were organising some Dugongs gigs.

Razz and I were down in the rumpus room setting up the drum kit and waiting for Uncle Ray to arrive when Prue came in. She was carrying her violin and saxophone.

‘Prudles! Looking good,' Razz said. ‘You all ready to audition?'

Prue looked from Razz to me and back again.

‘Audition? I only agreed to join the band to do you all a favour. Why should I have to audition? No one else has.'

‘Well,' Razz said, ‘you
are
the only non-Charlton member of the group, and being Ishmael's little sister and a
friend
of the Scobster, some people might get the idea that there was some sort of
bias
involved in the selection process or that maybe you just got into the band because you're so hot.'

Prue managed to look angry and blush at the same time.

‘That's stupid. You're just being stupid. No one would think that. I'm not auditioning if no one else is.'

‘Fine,' Razz said with a pleasant smile. ‘No problems. If you're worried that maybe you're not good enough, then we'll just forget all about it.'

Prue glared at Razz from under her dark fringe. I was half-expecting to see smoke come from her eyes. She snapped open her violin case, pulled it out and shoved it under her chin. Then she snatched up her bow.

‘Hold on a tick,' Razz said, grabbing a pen and notebook and dragging a beanbag to a spot right in front of her. ‘OK, whenever you're ready.'

Prue proceeded to give blazing performances on both the violin and then the saxophone. When she finished she put both instruments to one side and waited while Razz continued to scribble down some final thoughts. Eventually he slapped his notepad shut.

‘Right, thank you, Prudles. We'll get back to you as soon as possible.'

Prue's eyes flared.

‘What? Stop being stupid, Razz. Tell me now.'

‘Now?' Razz said. ‘But I
really
should discuss your audition in detail with Ishmael here and my other colleagues. We wouldn't want to make any hasty decisions that we might regret later.'

‘What do mean, regret later?'

‘Well it's just that playing in the Hoops of Steel might be too much of a step up for you.'

I closed my eyes. It was like watching someone tapping on a nuclear warhead with a hammer, just to test how much it could take. When I opened my eyes Prue was smouldering.

‘Stop being stupid and tell me the truth – now!'

‘Look, we can't all perform at our best on every occasion. Perhaps you were nervous.'

Tap. Tap. Tap.

‘Razz, I mean it. Stop mucking around and just tell me truly how I went.'

‘Well, there were obviously a few
questionable
notes, but I took into account your very tender age.'

Tap. Tap. Tap.

‘It was note-perfect and you know it! Tell me the truth!'

‘Well, let me just say this. I thought you
tried
very hard. Couldn't fault your effort!'

Tap. Tap. Tap.

‘Look, do you want me in the band or not?'

‘Prudles,' Razz said, looking hurt and horrified, ‘of
course
I do. But perhaps at this stage in your career the best way you could contribute to the band would be to wear something short and sexy and just dance around up the back
pretending
to play.'

TAP.

KABOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOM!

Prue moved so fast that I didn't know what was happening until she was hitting Razz with the best crash tackle I'd seen since Tommy ‘Flat-liner' Manu creamed James Scobie in Year Ten. In a split second Razz was barrelled off his beanbag on to the carpet and Prue was perched on his chest with her knees pinning his arms to the floor.

‘Really, Prudles,' Razz wheezed, ‘do you think this is acceptable behaviour for a young lady?'

‘Tell me the
truth
about my audition,' Prue growled.

‘Well, I thought you showed real …
potential
and
AAAAARRRRRRGH
!'

Prue now had Razz firmly by both sideburns and she looked like she was determined to pull them off.

‘All right! All right! All right! I'll tell you! Let go! Let go! Let go! I'll tell you!'

Prue released her grip. Razz lay sucking in a few breaths. Then he continued.

‘OK, Prudles. I'll be honest now. No joking around. I thought you had absolutely perfect … posture … and
AAAAAAARRRRRRRRGH! OK! OK! OK! OK! STOP IT! STOP IT! STOP IT!'