It's a Guy Thing (22 page)

Some women experience sex this way, too, but most men experience sex like this. For a man, not to experience sex this way requires effort and learning. Men usually learn sex through masturbation as a teenager. What they learn early on is that sex involves genital stimulation to the point of orgasm. It is often a difficult learning process for a man to experience sexuality beyond this.

The situation is something like if you were trying to do mathematics while sitting on the beach under the warm sun with the cool water lapping up against you while your boyfriend massaged you. It would be hard to get in the mental mood for math while enjoying such bodily pleasure. Likewise, it is hard for a man to get into an emotional mood while enjoying the pleasures of his body.

Men and women are very different sexually. Your gift to a man is to be a
tantrika
, a sacred sexual initiator. Teach him, over time, how to release his mind, come down into his body and feel from his heart while he is in sexual embrace with you. It will be very natural, very inevitable, for you to do that. For him, it may take years of work. Most men operate at the merely physical level of sexuality by default, since our culture supports little sacredness in anything, especially sexuality.

Why Isn’t He More Present with Me After He Has an Orgasm?

After most men have an orgasm their sexual desire decreases tremendously, as does their ability to maintain an erection. After orgasm, your man’s polarity with you disappears, and he loses the force of connection with you.
For most men, it takes real learning to combine love and sex
. It is a practice that can take months or even years. In order to learn, men must bypass their tendency to have a relatively quick ejaculative orgasm in order to relax into sensitivity and loving.

Orgasm is a profound shift in energy for men. They quickly move from a full energy state to a state of emptiness. It is a sharp decline, after which they fall asleep or lay relatively inactive. The magnetic force of sexual love no longer attracts them into a polarized embrace with you.

For most women, orgasm is not such a drastic shift. A woman might even have several orgasms in a row, with very little depletion of sexual energy or polarization. Most women remain polarized in sexual attraction whether they have an orgasm or not. This is not true for most men.

Therefore, if you want your man to be able to match your sexual capacity, be willing to patiently help him cultivate his ability to bypass or postpone ejaculative orgasms.
*
Otherwise, expect many nights when you are lying in bed fully polarized in sexual love, while your man lies snoring next to you, depleted and depolarized.

Why Do Pictures of Naked Ladies Turn Him On So Much?

This is a true story: President Coolidge and his wife, the First Lady, were once inspecting a large government farm. They passed the chicken coop, where the First Lady saw a rooster having sex with a chicken. She looked at the farmer and asked, “How often does that rooster have sex?” The farmer said, “That rooster has sex 20 or 30 times a day.” The First Lady sighed and said to the farmer, “Tell that to President Coolidge.”

So the farmer walked up to President Coolidge and said, “Mr. President, the First Lady wants me to tell you that this rooster has sex 20 or 30 times a day.” President Coolidge thought a moment and asked, “Is it always with the same hen?” The farmer answered, “No. It’s with a different hen every time.” The president smiled and said to the farmer, “Tell
that
to the First Lady.”

In the jargon of biological science, there is a phenomenon called the “Coolidge Effect,” named after this famous incident. Sometimes while breeding animals, such as horses or steers, the male will refuse to mate with the same female more than several times. However, if a new female is introduced, he will become refreshed and repolarized, ready for more sex. This is the Coolidge Effect.

Human men love to see strange naked ladies in movies and magazines. At one level, men are just animals, like women are. They respond sexually to novelty, to new women, even in photos and movies. The Coolidge Effect applies to human men just as it applies to roosters, stallions and bulls.

Do All Men Fantasize About Other Women?

Some men never want sex with anyone but their wife. Some women want sex with many different men every day. But after years of counseling both men and women, I would say that, in general, a man’s primary sexual fantasy is to have sex with a variety of attractive partners. However, most women are more attracted to depth in a relationship rather than having many sexual partners. A woman’s primary fantasy is to share love in a committed relationship with a man of great intelligence, humor and integrity. So, in our culture, the institution of monogamous marriage actually supports most women in their primary sexual fantasy yet deprives most men of theirs.

This is one of the reasons many men resist marriage. They
do
want to get married, in the sense that they want a deep and lasting intimacy, but by doing so they are denying their primary sexual fantasy.

When a man marries, it is understood he is making a sacrifice that a woman is not making. For example, at the wedding, the traditional role of the best man is to make sure that the groom carries through with it. Typically, the groom sweats in anxiousness and the bride is radiant. For a woman, it’s often the fulfillment of her heart. For a man, it’s often the denial of his inherent desire for multiple partners.

When men are being free with other men, they let their true feelings out. You can see this clearly in gay men. Gay men don’t have to compromise their sexual desires because a woman is involved. Before the AIDS crisis, gay men in general had an incredible amount of sex with an incredible number of different partners. In the pre-AIDS days, gay bars and baths were sexual feasts where men could go and have
sex with as many partners as they wanted. That’s what men love to do. That’s what heterosexual men fantasize about doing with women.

Virtually any man who becomes your intimate partner will have a fantasy for sexual variety, even though he is committed to you and your relationship in love. Even if he loves you more than anyone else on Earth, he will probably still have a fantasy involving sex with other women, though he will hopefully choose not to act on it. He
can still
be entirely monogamous in his behavior.

If your man is having an affair, you must take action. Never suppress your feelings and let him do what he wants. Perhaps he is just having sex for pleasure and still totally loves you. But it doesn’t matter what he is doing and why he is doing it—you have to be true to yourself.

Find a partner capable of making the kind of agreements you want to live by. You both need to understand each other’s needs, each other’s bottom line. You must align your relationship toward your highest vision. If your highest vision is love, then the relationship must serve love in every way, providing a context for you and him to grow more and more in your ability to give love, receive love and to be loved.

If he is not capable of truly loving you, if he is not in a full relationship with you, he is certainly not capable of being in a full relationship with someone else, too. Having affairs will not make his relationship with you more full.

The only time you or your man might be able to have more than one intimate relationship is if you had a true and fully loving relationship with each other, and if your relationship with another person did not detract from your ability to be fully committed in love with your partner. But this situation is exceedingly rare.

______________

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For more information, see David Deida, 1997.
The Way of the Superior Man
. Austin, TX: Plexus.

12
How to Attract Your Perfect Partner

What Makes a Perfect Partner?

Everyone has defects. There is no such thing as a perfect person. No man will ever be able to fulfill you perfectly or love you the way you’ve always wanted to be loved. There is no fairy tale Prince Charming who will come into your life and sweep you off your feet forever.

If your true purpose is to grow in your ability to love and be loved, then the perfect partner is someone who is also committed to this practice. He may have all kinds of physical or character defects. He will almost certainly have his own obstructions to the vulnerability of complete trust in intimacy. But if he is committed to growing through those obstructions and learning to open his heart more and more with you, then he is the perfect partner.

How Can I Evoke My Man’s Passion?

There are various practices men and women can do with one another to awaken their full sexual character. There are ways you can help awaken his masculine energy and ways he can awaken your feminine energy. These practices are based on the principle that the masculine and feminine energies are like magnets. They draw each other out. They each evoke their opposite.

Imagine an incredibly passionate, strong, sensitive, humorous and intelligent man walking up to you, looking deep into your eyes, holding you around your waist and loving you. He sweeps you off your feet. Can you feel it in your body?

If such a man were to embrace you this way, he probably
wouldn’t evoke from you a desire to pick
him
up and sweep him off his feet. His masculine energy doesn’t evoke your masculine. Rather, his masculine love evokes your feminine swoon. This is the principle of polarity: Each pole has the power to evoke its opposite.

Use this principle to help your man become strong in his sexual character. If you animate your feminine energy, especially in an extreme form, it will evoke his masculine energy, strength and passion.

How Do I Attract a Man Who Cherishes My Feminine Energy?

You always attract a man who accepts yourself as much as you do. If you treat yourself as a woman, and you are rested in your feminine energy, secure in your feminine, pleasured and ecstatic, and in love with your own masculine energy as well, then you will attract a man who honors your feminine, cherishes your feminine and also loves your masculine and feminine.