It's a Guy Thing (23 page)

To the degree you don’t accept yourself as you are, if you are needy, you will attract a different kind of man, a man who needs to be needed. If he needs to be needed and then you become whole and no longer need him, he won’t want the relationship anymore.

If you don’t want to be challenged in the relationship, if you don’t want to take on too much self-discipline, you will attract a man who’s not too disciplined. In fact, you are going to want a man who’s not too disciplined so he doesn’t put his discipline on you.

Be honest with yourself and see what you really want in intimate relationship. If you are totally in love with both your internal masculine and feminine and have no resistance to relinquishing your sense of independence in the midst of ecstatic embrace, no resistance to being ravished in love by a man, and no resistance to supporting your man’s true direction, then you will attract a man who wants to cherish you as a woman. You will attract a man full of masculine force, whose love for you is full of integrity, passion and humor.

Why Do We Doubt Each Other’s Love?

Usually, you attract someone who shares the exact amount of doubt you do. You can be pretty sure that whoever you are in relationship with has the same degree of openness, fear and doubt as you do.

The final confession of fear in your relationship is, “I doubt that you really love me. I don’t trust love completely. I’m terrified something is going to go wrong in our relationship.” So you could say that to each other, smile, hug and make love. It could be a complete confession of your fears, and you could also transcend it by loving right through it.

A part of you does love him and a part of you is truly terrified of unlove. Intimacy involves facing both of these potentials: total abandonment in love and total abandonment in the fear of not being loved.

When he says, “In a past relationship my partner left me, and now I don’t trust that any relationship will work,” he is expressing his fear of not being loved. You could meet his
honest confession with yours: “I also fear you will leave me, or that it’s not going to work out.” Then hug him.

Don’t get into a dramatic soap opera full of whining and tears. It could be a simple confession. “I have this terror, too. But I can feel your love now.” It’s not a drama.

This confession of fear is itself a form of intimacy, because you are opening the truth of your hearts to each other. True intimacy involves confessing your fears, but then transcending them in the direct communication of love.

Why Do I Get Bored with Men Who Feel “Safe”?

All of us have blocks to the masculine and feminine energies in ourselves and in our partners. Therefore, we frequently choose a partner who feels “safe.”

For instance, imagine a woman who is more comfortable in her masculine energy than in her feminine. She will probably choose a man who carries most of the feminine energy in the relationship so that she doesn’t have to. Such a man feels “safe.”

For some couples, this kind of relationship works out fine, but only if the woman’s true sexual essence is more masculine and the man’s true sexual essence is more feminine. This situation is actually quite rare. Most men have a more masculine sexual essence and most women have a more feminine sexual essence.

However, for cultural reasons, especially in the last 30 years or so, women have shifted toward expressing a more masculine persona than their true sexual essence. At the same time, men have expressed a more feminine persona. So today
we see a lot of relationships between men who act more feminine than they naturally are and women who act more masculine than they naturally are. Both partners end up feeling dissatisfied with this kind of relationship, even though they feel safe. The man will be too passive for his woman and the woman will be too directive for her man. It isn’t emotionally or sexually satisfying to either partner.

When you choose a partner who feels safe, you are probably choosing a partner who has less masculine energy. If your natural sexual essence is feminine, a man with less masculine energy won’t be able to fulfill your deep desires in intimacy, though he will feel quite safe to you.

Why Do I Attract Wimpy Men?

If masculine energy is your
predominant
energy, you will attract a man who is less directed and less persistent than you. He may say one thing and do another. This is a man whose masculine is not very strong. Since he has disowned his masculine, he is getting the opportunity to re-own it through his relationship with you.

If you find yourself with a man who lacks masculine integrity, who is wishy-washy and cannot persist in his vision, you can be pretty sure that you predominantly express strong masculine energy. Your highly developed masculine has attracted a man with an underdeveloped masculine who seeks completion through yours.

If you predominantly expressed feminine energy, then you would attract a man who was seeking completion through union with your feminine. His strong masculine would be
gifted by your feminine. Rest in your feminine, and you will attract a man rested in his masculine. This is how the natural force of sexual polarity works: The energy you relinquish comes back to you from your partner.

13
Reclaiming Your Native Feminine Force

What Happens When I Reject My Own Feminine or Masculine?

All of us have both masculine and feminine energies. For instance, any time you are eating delicious food and feel, “Mmmmm, this is good,” you are in your feminine energy. You are connected to your senses, sensitive to your body’s experience.

When you behold a beautiful sunset, when you are in communion with nature, when you appreciate any sensual experience at all, whether you are a man or a woman, in that moment you are in your feminine energy. Some men and women are less comfortable in their feminine energy than in their masculine. Because of the way they were raised, because of their culture, or because of a traumatic experience in their early life, they may disown or reject their feminine energy.

If someone rejects their own feminine, one symptom will be a relative inability to enjoy sensual experiences, including sexuality. Such a person, man or woman, will be hardened to the enjoyment of sensual pleasures. They won’t be able to relax and let go. Instead, they will tend to be goal-driven perfectionists, tense, efficient and unable to fully surrender in intimate embrace.

Some people are blocked to their masculine energy. Anyone who has a block to their masculine energy will have difficulty getting anything done. They will flow from one thing to another, being distracted by friends and family. They rarely complete their projects. Or, they may have difficulty breaking an addiction, whether that addiction is to a drug, food or relationship. Very frequently in abusive relationships, for instance, one partner will have difficulty leaving even though it’s in her best interest. She has become addicted to the relationship.

If your masculine energy is underdeveloped, you will find it difficult to discipline yourself, to exercise regularly, to set and meet long-term goals and to let go of old relationships.

Why Would a Woman Suppress Her Own Feminine Energy?

The art of polarity does not involve suppression. The woman, for instance, does not need to suppress her natural masculine energy in order to be sexy. The art of polarity involves skillful cultivation of both masculine and feminine energies while consciously relaxing into your heart and body as a man or a woman.

A certain percentage of women naturally prefer to carry the masculine energy in an intimate relationship. In an intimate embrace, for example, some women are more at “home” in their masculine than their feminine energy. However, most women, when relaxed and happy in intimate embrace, naturally move into their feminine energy.

What are women like when they are in their masculine energy? They want to guide the people around them and control their own lives. They don’t want help. They prefer to sit down with an agenda and take care of projects rather than open themselves in vulnerable relationships with friends or lovers. Some women are naturally like this. They are most happy and relaxed this way. And all women use this kind of energy at various times throughout the day.

Other women, however, are habitually in their masculine energy but are not happy and relaxed there. They are “stuck.” They may be in their masculine energy as a defense
mechanism, as a result of internal strife, or from stress put on them by their work. They may also be influenced by social expectations, the way their parents raised them, or a traumatic childhood experience. Something has guided their behavior toward the masculine side of the spectrum. Perhaps they learned to reject the feminine because they experienced pain when they were in their feminine energy as a child: They may have been sexually abused or just mistreated. It is often very difficult for a woman with these kinds of childhood experiences to allow herself to be fully expressed in her feminine energy.

By understanding ourselves we can grow beyond our childhood patterns and the social expectations that limit our ability to enjoy and sustain passion in our intimacies. We can begin to unravel the ways we unconsciously act to deaden or neutralize our relationships. And we can discover ways to magnify the polarity and appreciation between men and women.