It's All Relative (36 page)

“I’m going to miss you too, Jessie. You’re so important to me. You’re…everything to me.”

Biting his cheek, he stopped himself from pouring any more of his heart out to her. It would only hurt them both if they started confessing their feelings for each other now. And while Kai was certain Jessie cared deeply for him, he was 100 percent certain he was in love with her. Breaking it off with April had helped him to see it. He loved Jessie, in all the ways he shouldn’t.

Her sobs easing, she timidly asked, “Can we still talk? Can I call you?”

Kai thought of having these heart wrenching phone calls every day; he didn’t think he could do it. “Jessie…” he pleaded, not wanting to have to say it. A clean break was best. A clean break healed quicker.

Jessie sniffled. “Right…that probably wouldn’t help anything.”

Another long silence filled the line, as both their hearts silently broke apart. Feeling the knot of turmoil in his stomach tightening, Kai knew it was time. Time to end the call, to forever end his connection with the only woman he wanted in his life. His voice breaking, he softly told her, “I wish you only happiness, Jessie.”

He couldn’t imagine his life without her in it.

“Kai…”

Steeling himself, he closed his eyes and pictured her one last time—her smile, her beautiful face framed in dark, curly locks, the sound of her voice when she said his name. She was the one person on this earth that Kai would have liked to experience everything with. He couldn’t think of anyone else that he’d rather have on this twisted, rollercoaster of a ride called life.

He ended their relationship with, “You’re my best friend, Jessie. I love you.” Then he disconnected the call and tossed his phone away from him.

I
t was astounding to Jessie how so much could change in her life, while at the same time, nothing changed. She went to work, rubbing out the kinks in Mr. Tinley’s lower back. She went to the movies with Harmony and April; still peeved about Jessie’s heated comments to her, April always sat as far from Jessie as possible. She checked on her grandmother, who was completely healed and feisty as ever. She even repeatedly shot down Gram’s attempts to set her up with “nice” boys.

All of that was routine for Jessie. The only thing that wasn’t routine, the only thing that had changed completely for her in the past three weeks, three achingly
long
weeks, was the fact that her cousin had all but vanished. She hadn’t seen or heard from him since their last painful conversation on the phone.

She knew he was still around. Grams constantly talked about him, and asked if he was happy. From all Jessie could gather, Kai didn’t appear to be doing very well. Grams was convinced that he was miserable because of his work, that his boss was an ass who was bringing him down. On more than one occasion, she told Jessie that Kai should just go home and work with his parents. Grams felt he belonged there, but the thought of him leaving the state made Jessie want to curl into a fetal position.

Even though she and Kai didn’t speak, it was comforting to know they were staring at the same starry sky and breathing in the same chilly air. She couldn’t stomach the thought of him being so far away that time was actually pushed back four hours.

The idea of him leaving made her feel worse than when she replayed their last horrible conversation—and that made her feel awful. It was quite possibly the worst moment in her life so far. Already on edge from a sleepless night and the memory of crossing a line that shouldn’t ever be crossed, Jessie had been a wreck when he’d called her. And hearing him speak the words that had changed their relationship forever had shattered her heart into a thousand pieces:
“We can’t see each other again. Ever.”

Jessie was certain those were the worst words ever created in the English language. But then Kai had used words that were even worse. Worse, because they were so wonderful:
“You’re so important to me. You’re everything to me. You’re my best friend.”

And then the kicker, the one that always punched a hole through Jessie’s soul whenever she thought about it, both because of what it could mean, and the fact that she wasn’t entirely sure what it
did
mean:
“I love you.”

If Kai had said it as a standalone sentence, Jessie would have been positive that he meant he was
in
love with her—man to woman. But he’d lumped it together with, “You’re my best friend.” To Jessie, that meant that while he was attracted to her, he loved her in a friendly way. It warmed and hurt her, because she loved him that way too. He was her best friend, and she hadn’t gotten a chance to tell him.

Jessie couldn’t imagine not ever seeing those tropical eyes again. Not ever getting to laugh with him over dinner. Not being able to ever take care of him. They’d only been separated three weeks, but it might as well have been three years. Kai had wanted to go back to a time when their lives hadn’t intertwined, but the problem was, their lives already
had
intertwined. Distance wasn’t going to remove Kai from being securely wrapped around her heart. It only made her ache in pain, and she knew it was wrong to feel that way.

Forcing herself to go through the motions of life, she showered and dressed for the day. It was just another Saturday. Another Saturday in a long line of Saturdays. Nothing interesting or special about it. No playful smile on a certain boy’s mouth to make the day noteworthy. Just another day.

Glumly, Jessie started walking down the hallway to the living room. She tried not to think about the way Kai could perfectly curve his lips into the sexiest smile she’d ever seen. No, she definitely shouldn’t be thinking about his mouth.

“No, Kai, don’t be ridiculous…”

Jessie paused in the hallway at hearing her cousin’s name. She could just see April on the couch with her feet up, chatting on her cell phone. With Kai. Jessie had come across them talking before. While she hated the fact that April got to talk to him when she couldn’t, she almost always stopped whatever she was doing to listen to them. Not out of jealousy—Kai and April’s relationship had shifted into an easy friendship—but because, if she listened hard enough, Jessie could hear Kai through the phone. She hated feeling so pathetic, that she was actually clamoring to hear the tinny sound of his voice while he talked to someone else, but she couldn’t help it. She missed him.

April seemed to sense that Jessie was there and twisted her head to look at her. She gave Jessie an unhappy pout. Things were still awkward between them. Jerking her head around, so she was staring out the slider, April said into the phone, “What was that, Kai? Sorry, Jessie distracted me.”

Irrationally, Jessie’s heart started beating harder; Kai knew she was there now. Stepping into the living room, she casually turned on the TV, set the volume on low, and sat down close to April. While looking for something to watch, she listened for Kai’s voice as hard as she could.

Unfortunately, Jessie couldn’t hear what he said in response to April’s comment, but April glanced her way. “Yeah, she’s fine. Why?”

Jessie’s heart squeezed with a powerful ache that hurt so badly, she had to massage the spot with the heel of her hand. Kai was there, just a few feet away from her, and he was asking April how she was doing. It took every scrap of will power Jessie possessed to not rip the phone out of April’s hands and beg Kai to come see her. She wanted to hear his voice. She wanted to see his face, but he was right. Their feelings needed to fade before they could be reunited, and that was going to take time. Jessie wished they’d hurry up and vanish so she could be with her cousin again. Her best friend.

Jessie heard Kai give April some response, and April’s brows drew together as she continued to study Jessie. Her face brightened, and she smiled. “What do you mean he liked my picture?” She relaxed into the couch as she laughed into the phone, and it was like she was talking to a girlfriend, not the man she’d made out with on more than one occasion. “Really? Is he cute?” She paused, then murmured, “Louis, huh? I’ve never met a Louis. What’s he like?”

Kai was apparently going into detail about this Louis person, because aside from a couple of “yeahs” and “oohs,” April was silent. Jessie was pretty sure that Kai worked with a Louis, and wondered if he was talking him up to April just to distract her from the fact that Kai and Jessie hadn’t seen each other in a while. Jessie thought that was probably the reason for the redirect. Kai wouldn’t want anyone delving too closely into their relationship or lack thereof.

After another couple of minutes, April finally said, “Okay, have fun.” She paused, then rolled her eyes. “Okay, I’ll tell her. Bye.” After ending the call, April started watching the show playing on TV. Curiosity was eating Jessie alive. Kai had obviously meant her there at the end.

Biting her lip, she stared at her friend. She didn’t want to seem too eager about a message from her cousin, but she desperately wanted to know what he said. When April finally looked her way, Jessie raised an expectant eyebrow. April sighed. “Kai says hello.” She mumbled the message, like just telling Jessie that much was putting her out.

Jessie wanted to sigh in contentment, and daydream about the words coming from Kai’s mouth, not April’s. She couldn’t though. She couldn’t look lovesick over her cousin around anyone, least of all April. Jessie managed a nonchalant shrug as she twisted back to the TV. “That was nice of him.” Not looking at April, she carefully said, “We’ve been too busy to talk much lately. How is he?”

Her heart hammered in her chest as she waited for her friend to respond, but instead of answering her, April stood up. “I have a mani-pedi to get to.” She indicated the kitchen with her thumb. “Harmony has all the details for next weekend.” With that, she strolled to her bedroom.

Jessie was silent as she watched her leave. April was going to stretch out the argument between them for as long as she possibly could. Hopefully things got better soon; Jessie didn’t think she could utter, “I’m sorry I was a bitch,” one more time. Maybe the trip next weekend would help. Harmony had had the brilliant idea to strengthen their bond with a girl’s ski trip. They were all going to Harmony’s favorite lodge, deep in the Arapaho National Forest.

With a sigh, Jessie decided to let April sulk for now. She knew she couldn’t rush the repair of her friend’s hurt feelings, and April had a right to feel slighted; Jessie never should have spoken to her the way she had. Besides being a little too eager with a cute boy she liked, her roommate hadn’t done anything wrong. This upcoming trip was probably the best thing for their relationship.

Walking into the kitchen, Jessie found Harmony chowing down on a bowl of cereal. Jessie went through the mechanics of preparing her own bowl while Harmony flicked the edge of the piece of paper she was holding. It looked like a hotel reservation confirmation.

“I got us a double at Mountain Inn Resort.” Her pale eyes were sparkling as she said it. Harmony loved skiing. She’d already been up a few times for day trips and was really looking forward to an entire weekend of skiing with just the girls. “This is going to be great, Jessie!”

Jessie smiled at her friend’s enthusiasm. “I’m sure it will, Harm.” Sitting beside her, Jessie suppressed a sigh. She’d be hours away from Kai. The distance shouldn’t really matter, since they weren’t speaking anyway, but there it was, just the thought of how much physical space would be between them put an ache in her chest. At least her girlfriends would help fill the space, assuming April stopped being mad at her, of course.

Harmony gave her a concerned look, like she’d heard her internal sigh. With a tilt of her head, she asked, “You all right?”

Jessie let the sigh escape as she dunked the tiny Os floating in her bowl of milk. She wished she could confess everything to Harmony. It would be so nice to finally talk about her confusion with someone, but how do you explain something that awful to a friend? Sure, it wasn’t as if she was lusting over a sibling or anything, but still, they were
first
cousins, and what was going on with them was so much worse than idly thinking a relative was cute.

“Just thinking about…stuff,” she muttered blandly.

Not about to let that comment go, Harmony put a hand on her arm. “Boy-stuff or April-stuff?”

Jessie wasn’t sure how to answer her, so she shrugged. Harmony frowned. “Jeremy didn’t call you, did he?”

Harmony leaping to that conclusion, made Jessie’s eyebrows shoot up her forehead. She vehemently shook her head. She supposed it wasn’t too weird for Harmony to think her troubles stemmed from Jeremy. Jessie had been with him for a while, and really, their break up hadn’t happened all that long ago. Jessie just hadn’t thought about him in so long that he seemed like someone buried in her ancient past, not someone she’d been considering moving in with less than six months ago.

“No, Jeremy might as well have dropped off the face of the earth for what little I think of him. And I definitely haven’t heard from him.”

She was grateful for that; Jeremy was a complication she didn’t need right now. Harmony studied her as she took a spoonful of cereal. Around her food, she asked, “Is it because of that Simon guy? He called again by the way.”