“He never would have suggested or accepted anything like me moving into your house. Our relationship is not what you think it is. I know that the only reason Jaylin is around me is because of his children. He and I don't spend a lot of timeâ”
“Are the two of you still having sex?”
I was honest. “Barely. But I will sit here today and make you a promise. If you do not divorce him, and if you can get him back on the right track that he needs to be on, I will never, ever let him touch me again. That is a huge step for me, Nokea. Whether you believe it or notâand I'm sorry to say this to youâI love your husband with all of my heart. He means the world to my children and to me. I can't stand to see the pain he is in from losing you, though. Eventually he will destruct and all of this will come tumbling down. My children will suffer, and so will yours. He needs you, and all I am right now is good sex, which he only wants on his time. I'd rather see him happily married to you, having a wonderful relationship with all of his children, and building a future for them. Don't you want that too?”
“No,” Nokea said, straightforward. She removed her leg from underneath her and sat up straight. “No, because no matter what, Scorpio, Jaylin will always find his way back to you. If there were no you, there would be someone else. Do you even know what kind of man he is? Well, I recently found out. After all of our years together, he continues to be full of surprises. He is not the kind of man I envision myself spending the rest of my life with. If you have to sit there and make me the kind of promise you just did, how can I roll with that? How can I be in a marriage, always afraid of that one unfortunate time when you and Jaylin slip again? I believe that you love him, and I know what you will do for him too. He will make you do what he wants you to do, and I don't think you always would be willing to tell him no.”
“For the sake of our children, I will do it. You're making him out to be something that he's not. I know you're angry, but from what I know, Jaylin has been totally committed to you. This isn't about him just wanting to play the field. The problem is with me, and it can be corrected. Yes, it's hard to trust my words, but even you know how much Jaylin loves you. I am so envious of the way he feels for you, and I can't compete with what the two of you have. To be honest, I never could.”
Nokea sat silently for a moment, thinking about what I'd implied. She even reached out to give me a tissue when she saw the tears in my eyes. She took a few deep breaths; then she lightly massaged her forehead with her hand. “Neither of you will ever understand how painful this has all been for me. I've lost myself in the mix, and now I have to start all over. The man to whom I gave every ounce of my love has destroyed me. He took everything out of me, and I don't even know if I love him anymore.”
“Yes, you do,” I said. “All wounds heal in time. I felt the same way when he had gone off and married you, and there were times that I wanted to end my life. I'm so sorry for hurting you, him and myself. I just loved him so much, Nokea, and it was hard for me to imagine my life without him.”
I didn't like expressing myself like this in front of Nokea, but what I spoke was the truth. I could tell she was holding back her emotions as much as she could. Every once in a while, she'd dab her eyes with a tissue.
“Can I ask you one more thing?” Nokea said. I nodded. “If I divorce Jaylin, then what? Will you continue to have sex with him and have more children with him? Or do you intend to marry him?”
I didn't hesitate to respond. “He'll never marry me, and I know that for a fact. He doesn't love me enough, and there's only been one woman who was capable of taking him to that level. I think you know who she is. If you don't go back to him, I doubt that marriage will ever happen again for him. As for us being intimate, the only thing that will stop that from happening is if the two of you reconcile. If not, I will make myself available to him, whenever he needs me. If I have to do whatever it takes to pick up the pieces, I will. I'll do it out of love, not because I desire to have sex. As for another child, who knows what will happen?”
Nokea cut her eyes at me, looking away while in thought. “I just realized how being in your presence, Scorpio, makes my flesh crawl. I can't help the way I feel and I don't quite understand your motive. Whatever it is”âshe turned her head to look at meâ“you've won. Good luck to you and Jaylin, and I hope he is everything that you want him to be.”
Nokea slowly stood up and made her way to the door. I followed behind her. We stopped at the threshold.
“I don't have a motive, and I meant every word that I said. Whatever you decide, I'll respect your decision.”
“Yeah, right. Just like you respected my marriage, huh?”
She opened the door and we stared at one another for a couple of minutes without saying a word. I guess I didn't have anything else to say, so I broke our stare and walked out the door. She slammed it behind me so hard, nearly knocking it off the hinges.
NOKEA
Who said that two women in love with the same man couldn't sit down and have a civil discussion without calling each other names or pulling each other's hair out? If it could happen between Scorpio and me, it could happen between any women. I appreciated her stopping by to talk to me, but I still despised her for interfering in my marriage. She did her best to explain that she'd done it out of love for Jaylin, but I wasn't sure about that. Scorpio knew that if Jaylin went down, she was going down with him. Jaylin having less money and no stability meant she would as well. No, she couldn't let that happen; from the day Jaylin had met her, he had become her sole provider. One thing I could say about our conversation was that she really loved Jaylin more than I thought she did. He had caused her a lot of grief too, and decisions were made without anyone giving much thought.
I was guilty of this too, especially for terminating my pregnancy. I had always been against abortions. How in the world did I bring myself to do something so out of character for me? I did my best to justify my actions by saying that my anger toward Jaylin was a good enough reason. Realistically, it wasn't, and I should have known better. At this point, all I could do was push forward and try my best not to look back on some of the mistakes that I had made.
In the meantime, everybody and their mamas were trying to save my marriage. Mama was calling, begging me not to go through with it. Even my friend Pat was saying I needed to hang in there.
What in the hell would the average woman do?
I thought.
Would she really let go of Jaylin so easily?
I had spoken to Shane often and he still was trying to encourage me to work things out. And it definitely surprised me that Scorpio had wanted the same thing too, but I sensed a bit of fakery with her. Then, of course, there was Jaylin. He'd been calling every day, leaving messages and trying to make me feel guilty about what I had done to
his
baby. He repeated that he'd never forgive me and asked how I could be so cruel. One message after another, he went on the attack. He called me a hypocrite, said I was overreacting and blamed me for his behavior. I deleted some of his messages, until I noticed they started to calm down. Then he was back to telling me he loved me. From the slurs in his voice, I could tell what he had been going through. We all were going through hell.
When a knock came at my door, I was surprised to see that it was Nanny B. Lord knows I was in no mood to talk to her! But after all she had done for us, I could in no way play her. I invited her inside and we sat at the dining-room table. She had brought me some handmade cards from the kids, and I sat in the chair, smiling as I read over them.
“The kids really miss you,” she said. “And I do too. I guess I don't have to tell you how much Jaylinâ”
I dropped the cards in my lap and sighed. “Please, Nanny B. I really don't want to hear about how much Jaylin misses me, and why do you always take up for him? It is so frustrating. As a woman, you should understand how I feel.”
Nanny B reached out and touched my hand, which I had placed on the table. “I do know how you feel. I've been there too, Nokea, more than you know. I don't always see eye to eye with Jaylin, but I do have a connection with him that you've been unaware of. Jaylin has never told anyone our secret, and that's because I asked him not to. I'm his stepgrandmother, Nokea, and I raised his mother up from when she was a little girl.”
I sat in shock as Nanny B told me about her tumultuous marriage to Jaylin's grandfather, about her struggles with his biological grandmother. History had definitely repeated itself. When she told me that she was the one who had given Jaylin the money she'd gotten from his grandfather's estate, I couldn't believe it. I was speechless and I couldn't believe Jaylin had kept this a secret for so long, and according to Nanny B, Scorpio didn't know the truth either.
“So you see, Nokea, this is why I feel so connected to him, to his children and even to you. The two of you have got to work this out and we've all come too far to give up now. It pains me to watch Jaylin suffer at that house without you. I can't stand to see him so torn, and I know you're miserable over here too.”
I sadly looked down. “I am, but I would be even more miserable with him. I don't know how to get over this bad feeling that I have inside. All I can think about is somehow getting back at him. I want him to feel what I'm feeling. I don't think he even knows what this pain feels like, and a part of me just ... I just wish something bad would happen to him. I never thought I could feel that way about him, ever.”
“No, you don't wish him any harm,” Nanny B said. “That's just that ole devil trying to get at you when you're weak. His motive is to kill, steal, and destroy. Don't let him win. Figure out a way to get from underneath his grip. With me, I eventually forgave my husband for all of his wrongdoings. But the most important thing, Nokea, is I found myself during some of my most difficult and challenging times. Take this time to find out who you are and what you really want. Celebrate your life, as you have so much to be thankful for. Even at a time like this, you need to celebrate the good things in your life. I don't need to tell you what they are, and all you need to do is look around you. I talked to Jaylin the other day about the same thing. Life is too short for a bunch of nonsense, and whatever happened to people exploring their dreams? Have you been so wrapped up with Jaylin that you've forgotten about yours? Maybe so. I hope and pray that the two of you work this out, but don't stay in your marriage based on what others want. Do what feels right for you, okay?”
I nodded in response. To put me at ease, Nanny B started talking about the kids and all that they'd been getting into since I'd been away. It sounded as if she and Jaylin had their hands full, and I told her just that as she was on her way to the door. Nanny B gave me a tight hug, squeezing me. She told me that she loved me and encouraged me to be good and to stay well.
Later that night, I lay in bed, thinking about my talk with Nanny B and about Jaylin as well. I was kicking up a sweat, having some serious Jaylin withdrawals. I couldn't stop thinking about how bad he was suffering, and I wondered what he was doing. The thoughts of him being with Scorpio angered me. What if he was at her place tonight? Being without him was so difficult. However, since our day in court was coming soon, I guessed I'd better get used to being alone.
For whatever reason, I needed him to forgive me for what I'd done to our child. It was hard for me to forgive myself. As I thought about his messages, I felt terrible. Tonight, I was in a mood to celebrate life, as Nanny B had suggested. I needed to see Jaylin, and I wanted to release all that was inside me. Since we'd been married, it was hard for me to go two or three days without making love to him. To go this long without him being inside me, it made me crazy. I got tired of touching myself and thinking about all that he was capable of doing to my body. I couldn't go another day without the man I desired to have.
I pulled the covers back and got out of bed. Dressed in my knee-length peach nightgown, I got in my car and left. I drove to our house, parking my car in the arched driveway. It was one forty-five in the morning, and the house was partially dark. There were several lights that always stayed on, but I could tell that everyone was asleep. I crept into the house, tiptoeing my way to the bedroom. When I cracked the door, the television was the only thing lighting up the room. I could barely hear the light jazz music that Jaylin sometimes played to fall asleep. Surprisingly, he was not in the bed. My stomach tightened as I had a feeling where he might be. Water rushed to my eyes and I looked around at our bedroom, which was rather messy. The bed hadn't been made; two pairs of his pants were on the floor, and so were some of his tennis shoes. A half-empty bottle of Grey Goose was on the nightstand, with an empty glass beside it. Next to that was a porn magazine. As I moved to the other side of the bed to see what Jaylin had been indulging himself with, I saw him sprawled out on the floor. He was passed out with no clothes on. My eyes scanned down his chiseled, muscular body, causing my insides to moisten. I removed my nightgown and laid it on the bed with my keys. I straddled my legs over Jaylin, looking down at how handsome he appeared while sleeping.
“Jaylin,” I whispered. He was so out of it, and all I could see was his chest heaving up and down. The smell of the alcohol was pretty strong. There was no telling how long he'd been out like this. Hopefully, not for too long. I whispered his name again, but he didn't budge. I then squatted down, resting my goods directly on top of his limp dick. I laced his shaft with my wetness, and the feel of it made me so hungry for him. Slowly, but surely, his nine-plus started to rise. Jaylin's eyelids fluttered. When he saw that I was on top of him, he shockingly jumped from his sleep. He squeezed his eyes; then he widened them to look at me.
“Nokea?” he said, slowly sitting up on his elbows.
I rubbed his chest, feeling his heartbeat accelerate. “Yes, it's me. Now relax.”
His dick quickly shot up, hard as a solid rock. He reached out to touch my breasts, but I pinned his arms to the floor with my hands. I positioned myself, then jolted down hard on top of him, swallowing every inch of his dick inside me. My force was powerful, and it caused both of us to grunt loudly. My insides felt as if they'd been ripped apart, and he tightened his eyes from the pressure.
“Takeâtake it easy on me,” he pleaded. “And please let me taste your pussy.”
I in no way took it easy on Jaylin. I released his hands, and started to do major work on him. A deep arch formed in my back, and I rode him tough, like a jockey fighting hard to win a horse race. I spewed loud grunts from the feel of him holding down my hips and pumping his dick inside me. I wanted to come so badly, so I increased my pace. My pace was at a rhythm that Jaylin couldn't keep up with. He was sucking in his bottom lip, and his eyes were locked in with mine.
“This is so perfect, Nokea. Work that pussy, baby. I like ... love how you're fucking me and riding this dick.”
His words caused me to work even harder. As hot beads of sweat rolled down my body, his hands had a solid grip on my ass. He squeezed it tightly, lifting my cheeks to the tip of his thick head. He was groaning each time I slammed myself back down. It wasn't long before he stopped moving altogether and dropped his head back to the floor in defeat.
“Ahhh,
shit! Don't stop, baby. Keep on popping that pussy like this. I love it, Nokea. Baby, I love it!”
I was loving this too. As I dropped back on my hands, I gave him more pleasure. I gyrated my hips, stroking him from left, then to the right. With each thrust, Jaylin's body lifted from the floor.
“Gotdamn it,” he yelled, with his fists tightened. “Come home to me, damn it! I need you ... this... . I need this every day for the rest of my life!”
The sounds of him stirring my juices and our sweaty bodies slapping together filled the room. I slowed my pace, but Jaylin started to pick up his. He carefully watched his insertions as he licked the wetness from his lips.
“Do you want to come now?” he whispered. “I'm dying to bust this nut, but I want you to come with me.”
I nodded, and Jaylin quickly flipped himself on top of me. He held my legs apart and inched his way into my perfectly fit tunnel. It was always difficult for me to fire back with my legs being held so tight, but I didn't mind watching him go to work. As soon as his fingers and thick head shoved against my swollen clit, it was all over with. I was on the verge of getting what I came here for. My breathing was sporadic, and my body was near a convulsion-like state. I reached up, pulling my hair on both sides.
“Doâdo you forgive me?” I panted and cried out. “Please tell me that you forgive me for what I did to our child. I need to hear you say it. I'm so sorry for what I've done.”
Jaylin dropped my legs and leaned atop me. I felt his warmness flowing inside me and down my crack. “I forgive you. Yes, baby, I do,” he whispered in my ear. “And IâI need for you to forgive me too. Please say that you forgive me and come back home.”
The intense moment was over and we stared into each other's water-filled eyes. This was so hard on both of us, but I could in no way form the words to tell him that I forgave him. I touched his chest, slightly pushing it back so he could get off me. He sat up, resting his back against the side of the bed. With a frustrated look on his face, he closed his eyes, running his fingers through his wet curly hair.
“You're not going to forgive me, are you?” he asked.
At the moment, I couldn't say a word. I stood up and slid my nightgown over my head. My keys were on the bed. After I reached for those, I made my way to the door.
“Nokea!” Jaylin yelled. I turned, looking at him as he knelt beside the bed. Confusion was in his eyes, and he pleaded for my forgiveness. “I need for you to do that for us. It's the only way we can work through this. I know you want that, don't you?”
I stood for a moment; then I softly replied, “No. I don't want us to work it out. I cannot forgive you. I'm sorry it has to be this way.”
I left, feeling numb, and knowing that great sex would never solve our problems. It was dynamite while it lasted. However, at the end of the day, our divorce was moving forward and the so-called celebration was over.