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Two days later, I received a letter from Mr. Frick, advising me that Jaylin would be contesting the divorce. With that, our attorneys received letters from the courts, advising us of a scheduled court date when the judge would hear our arguments and possibly make a decision. My attorney said that this was a good thing because there were so many marital assets involved: the children, the house, the many properties Jaylin had, his money and his investments.... Going to court was the best route to go. I listened to his recent call on my voice mail and could barely make out what he'd said because his voice was so low.
“Day eighty-eight. How in the hell can you come over here and fuck me like that, then divorce me? That's some cold shit, Nokea. As you know, we're expected in court tomorrow. Time is not on our side and I hope you will see things for the way they need to be. I thoroughly enjoyed myself the other night, and my body craves for more of you. Don't make me live without you. If it helps, I love you. Always will, Nokea. See you soon.”
I'd gotten to the point where I looked forward every day to hearing Jaylin's messagesâgood or bad. As angry as I was, my heart still went out to him. No matter what, though, I had to do this for me. I had put Jaylin before myself too many times, and look where it got me. After my talk with Nanny B, I realized she was right. I didn't care what other people wanted me to do, or how they wanted me to live my life. My life was my own, and this decision in no way came easy for me.
I got up early, showered and put on my long-sleeved burgundy stretch dress that hung slightly above my knees. My hair was cut like always, and it had a Dark and Lovely shine to it. I didn't wear too much makeup, but my flawless skin made the little makeup that I had on look airbrushed. Just as I was getting ready to go, I checked my cell phone. I had a new message that had come in while I was showering. I was afraid to look, thinking it would be from Jaylin. I didn't know if I could deal with any communication from him on
this
morning. Instead, the call was from Nanny B, trying to make her final plea to me.
“Good morning, Nokea. You're about to come to the conclusion of one of the biggest decisions of your life. My only hope is that you've thought this out carefully. Whatever you decide, we'll all just have to live with it. I love you, and my prayer is that your heart and soul will be filled someday with the happiness you deserve. Keep your head up and do what they always say ... âkeep on trucking.”'
I had already been so emotional this morning and Nanny B's message didn't help. I missed my family so much and I couldn't wait for all of this to be done.
I arrived a tad bit late to court; traffic wasn't on my side. When I got to the courthouse, my attorney was waiting for me. Jaylin and Frick were there as well. As soon as I opened the door, Jaylin turned his head and looked at me with no expression. The saddened look in his eyes, which I hated to see, was there, but I looked at my attorney to avoid it. Jaylin sure looked good, though, and his cologne infused the entire courtroom. There was no denying that he could wear any black suit and turn it into something special. Sure he'd gone out of his way to look spectacular for me, and I had done the same. I walked down the aisle, moving my hair away from my face as part of it covered my eye. I kept my eyes on my attorney. When I reached her, she stood to give me a hug.
“Are you ready?” she asked. “The judge should be here in a minute. I don't know if we'll be able to wrap this up today; sometimes these things take a little longer.”
I nodded and took my place next to her. Just to get a glance at Jaylin, I turned to my attorney to start a conversation. Jaylin was bent over with his elbows on his knees and hands shielding his face. From his lowered head, I could tell he was praying. Frick was talking to him, but was getting no response.
“Don't you worry,” my attorney said. “You're going to be just fine. He really has no basis for contesting this divorce. Let's hope this goes quicker than expected.”
When Judge Kay Catrel came in, my heart dropped to my stomach. I slowly stood up; Jaylin was even slower, being the last person to stand. After we took our oaths, we were ordered to take our seats. Good thing, as my legs immediately started to weaken.
“Let's see,” the judge said, looking at the documents in front of her. “What do we have here today?” She peered over her glasses, looking at me and my attorney, then at Frick and Jaylin. She looked at the documents again; then she addressed Frick.
“Mr. Frick, I'm not quite clear about your client contesting the divorce. On what basis?”
Mr. Frick came from around the table, clearing his throat. Full of arrogance, he eased his hands in his pockets and spoke clearly. “On the basis that Mr. Rogers does not wish to divorce his wife. He's always been a family man and has provided well for his wife and children. In the documentation that we have presented to the court today, you will see just how well he has provided. He does not wish to separate his family, and doing so would be detrimental to his children. I'll make this very simple, if I can, Your Honor. Mrs. Rogers has no justifiable claims for divorce, other than to disrupt a family that she, herself, will admit to you today, she dearly loves. Indeed, her request for dissolution of the marriage should be denied.”
Well, I'll be damned
, I thought.
How was I the one willing to disrupt my family?
Frick was way out of line, but I knew my attorney would clear up that mess.
The judge looked at Jaylin. He was still sitting with his elbows on his knees, shielding his face with his hands, and looking down at the ground. “Mr. Rogers, I understand that this may be difficult for you, but please sit up straight. If you would like to address the court, now is your time to do it.”
Jaylin sat up straight; then he stood to his feet. He looked at her with compassion and sorrow in his eyes. I wondered if his look pained her as much as it pained me. Already, this wasn't looking too good for me.
“IâI really don't have much to say, Your Honor. I made a mistakeâone mistakeâand my wife wishes to divorce me.” He turned to look at me. “That's not what a marriage is about. We're supposed to face our challenges together, not give up when things happen. I don't want this divorce to be granted. Even though my reasoning may not be good enough to stop this, I am hoping the love you can see that I have for my wife may be enough. I'm counting on you to make the right decision.” He paused for a second, eyes still connected with mine. “Damn, baby, you all I got. Please don't go through with this. I'm begging you, Nokea. From now on, I promise to be everything that you need me to be. One more chance, that's all I ask of you.”
I swallowed the lump in my throat and turned my head to look away. I swear, nobody knew how painful this was. Seeing him like this just made me crazy.
The judge asked him to take a seat. When I turned my head, she looked like she wanted to say “poor baby” and go stroke his head. She blinked, then looked at my attorney. My lawyer, Anna Delaney, stood up.
“Your Honor, the mistake that Mr. Rogers is referring to has to do with infidelity issuesâissues that led to his conceiving a child outside the marriage. My client's life has been turned upside down in finding out the truth behind her husband's adulterous affair, which has lingered on with the same woman for years and years. Throughout the years, Mrs. Rogers has remained faithful to her husband and wholeheartedly dedicated to their children. Her requests are simple and should be immediately granted by this court of honorable law.”
Anna removed her glasses, wiping the smudges from them. She then put them back on, picked up a piece of paper and continued. “Mrs. Rogers would like for her divorce to be granted immediately. She accepts joint custody where the children are concerned, and is requesting twenty thousand dollars a month in spousal support. When you review the marital assets, you will clearly see that the amount she is requesting is minimal. Before entering into the marriage, Mr. Rogers's assets exceeded well over seventy million dollars. Throughout the marriage, those numbers have tremendously increased, and the reason why I bring this to your attention is simple. Mrs. Rogers's request for only twenty thousand dollars a month shows the desire she has to move forward with her life and leave the past behind her. Stripping her husband of his wealth is not her intention. The only thing that she seeks is a peace of mind. We know you can't legally grant her that, Your Honor, but today we hope that you will grant her a path to her freedom.”
I kept my praying hands in front of me. When the judge asked if I wanted to address the court, I declined. My attorney had already said what I wanted her to say, and I didn't want to make this any more difficult than it already was.
“Mrs. Rogers,” the judge said, watching me wipe my tears. “Have you at least considered a legal separation, instead? Obviously, this is painful for you too. Do you still love your husband?”
I was under oath, so I couldn't lie. “Yes, I do.”
“I can't tell you how many couples come in here requesting a divorce and later regret it. You can petition your superior or family court for a legal separation and they will grant it. Many people do it because of their religious beliefs or due to the morals and values they hold against divorces. Legally, you will remain married to Mr. Rogers, but you will live separately from him. In the months to come, if you decide the legal separation does not work for you, then you may proceed with your divorce. Let me make myself clear.... I'm never delighted about being in a position where I have to grant any couple a divorce. I prefer to bring people together, rather than tear them apart. The decision, however, is yours. Is it possible for you to consider a legal separation right now rather than a divorce?”
I hesitated, only for a brief moment, thinking about our long life together, down to our “celebration” the other night. Jaylin had been so good to me, but I was sure he'd been that good to Scorpio too. My head slowly moved from side to side. “No. No, I'm not interested, Your Honor. I would like for you to grant me a divorce.”
She sighed and sat back in her chair. She looked at Jaylin, who said nothing, but had gone back to the position that he had been in throughout the hearing. Frick had reached over to rub Jaylin's back again.
“Is there anything else?” she asked.
Frick abruptly stood to his feet. “Your Honor, before you make your decision, I ask that you take a few things into consideration. The first one being that my client, as you can see, simply does not want this. He truly loves his wife, and has always loved her. For years, these two have remained together through the good and, unfortunately, sometimes bad. They have always overcome. In time, this situation will heal itself. I ask the court to delay this process, allowing Mr. and Mrs. Rogers time to consult with each other about a future, possible reconciliation. Mrs. Rogers has in no way permitted that kind of conversation to take place, and her decision to dissolve the marriage is a bit rushed. For the sake of saving a marriage, I ask that you consider a dismissal.”
My stomach tightened as I expected Frick to bring up my abortion and really make me look bad. Thank God that he didn't, but he really was trying to make the case for Jaylin.
For the next few minutes, the judge looked at the papers in front of her. At first, she suggested going back to her chambers, but she changed her mind. She had a picture of LJ and Jaylene, compliments of Frick. As she looked at the picture, she smiled.
“Are these the children?” she asked, looking in my direction. I nodded. “Gorgeous. So gorgeous,” she said.
She put the picture down and cleared her throat. A deep breath came afterward and she addressed Jaylin. “Mr. Rogers, if I could save your marriage, I would. However, on the basis that you have presented to the court today, your request for a dismissal will be denied. I will grant Mrs. Rogers her divorce, joint custody of the kids where she will have them on weekends and every other holiday. As for spousal support, I'll order it in the amount of forty thousand dollars a month. Mrs. Rogers, you will thank me later for that decision, as Mr. Rogers was willing to give you more. Good luck, people, and God bless.” The judge slammed down her gavel.
Tears poured down my face, but it was in no way from feeling happiness. Jaylin was still looking down at the floor, but his eyes were closed. Frick looked upset because this was one time he couldn't give Jaylin what he wanted. After I thanked Anna, I rushed to leave the courtroom, thinking that Jaylin would come after me. He didn't.
JAYLIN
The drive home felt as if I were riding on air. My blurred vision caused me barely to see the road. I'm not going to lie when I say I felt like driving my ass off a cliff. The thoughts of my children prevented me from doing the unthinkable, but I was not prepared to tell them that Nokea wasn't coming home at any time soon. I just couldn't believe this shit was happening. I wished like hell that I were dreaming. Why couldn't she have given me another chance? The end result of what happened today left me distraught.
I walked into the house, trying to keep my emotions in tact. I unknotted my tie away from my neck and pulled out my shirt, which was tucked into my pants. I could hear the kids laughing and playing in their playroom. When I went to the door, I stood in the doorway, watching their teacher and Nanny B helping them with their paintings. Justin and Jaylene were making one big mess with the watercolor paints; Mackenzie was painting flowers, and LJ was painting a picture of our family. No one saw me standing in the doorway, until Nanny B turned her head in my direction. She stared into my red and swollen eyes, which gave her a clue as to how my day in court had gone.
“Everyone, it's time to clean up,” she said; then she turned to Mrs. Mahoney. “Would you help the kids clean up? I'm getting ready to start on dinner.”
Mrs. Mahoney started helping the kids clean up, and Nanny B headed my way. Mackenzie saw me and rushed past Nanny B to show me her picture.
“Look, Daddy,” Mackenzie said, tightening her arms around my waist. She had no idea what her hug was doing for me right now, and her proud smile about her painting made me crack a tiny smile. I held one side of the picture up, while she held the other.
“It's beautiful, baby,” I softly said. “Tomorrow I'm going to buy a frame for it and hang it in my office.”
The others rushed up to me, showing me their pictures and asking if I would hang theirs too. “Please, Daddy,” Jaylene said, grabbing my leg and holding it. “Mine is pretty too.”
I looked at her picture, mixed with many colors. Then at LJ's, which just tore at my soul. I swallowed the oversized lump in my throat, clearing the mucus. “All of them are very nice. I'm going to hang up all of them.”
“Yay!” they shouted, including Justin, who had ripped his picture from waving it around too much. Mackenzie and Jaylene awaited their kisses, which I always gave them when I came into the house. When I lowered my head down to them, they both grabbed tightly around my neck. I closed my eyes, for I didn't want them to question me about why my eyes were so red. I felt their lips peck my cheeks. I slightly cracked my eyes so I could see their cheeks to kiss them back.
“
Muah
,” I said, then hurried to stand up. They ran away to help Mrs. Mahoney clean up, and Nanny B stood next to me. She was saying something, but I ignored her while looking at Jaylene. All I could think about was Nokea, because they looked so much alike. Nanny B touched my back.
“Go get out of your clothes and get ready for dinner. I'm making one of your favorite dishes tonight, and I...”
I sighed, and walked away from the doorway. I felt more anger inside. I wasn't sure if it was at Nokea, or at myself for fucking up so badly. I went into my bedroom, looking at the huge bed in which I would now have to lay alone. I slammed the door, and my breathing started to increase. My fist tightened. After I swung it in the air, I punched my chest hard.
“Gotdamn it!” I shouted. I took a deep breath, sucking in a long heap of air. Wanting to tear up something, I looked at the TV, the lamps and even the glass windows that surrounded my bedroom. I then looked at a picture on the nightstand of Nokea and me. I walked over to pick it up. I held the picture in my hand and my emotions ran over. I plopped down on the bed, dropping the picture next to me. Sitting up, I covered my face with my hands. I sobbed, like I had never done before. And all of this over a woman? I couldn't believe I was losing my swag. It had been years since I'd last felt like this. Realizing that I had made one of the biggest mistakes of my life was, nonetheless, crushing. This wasn't just any woman.... This was Nokea.
I heard my bedroom door open, but I didn't want to lift my head to see who it was.
“I'm so sorry,” Nanny B said sympathetically, “but you'll get through this.”
I lifted my head, clearing my wet face with my hand and shaking my head. Justin was on Nanny B's hip. The Lord knows that I didn't want Justin to see me so broken. “How? How can I live without her? I can't do it, Nanny B. There is no way for me to imagine my life without her. Ain't no way!”
Nanny B put Justin down and came up to me. Without saying a word, she opened her arms, inviting me into them. I stood, embracing her, and feeling the strength and support from a woman who was much smaller than me, but powerful in her own way. As I staggered, she held me tightly, assuring me that everything would be fine.
“We will get through this,” she said tearfully. “I promise you that I will never, ever let you or your children down.” She removed my slumped head from her shoulder and held the sides of my face as I looked into her eyes. “I love you like my child, Jaylin. When you hurt, I do too. From now on, I want you to live for these beautiful children. Nokea did what she felt she had to do, and I don't want you to be angry with her about her decision. Continue to love her as you do. When all is said and done, I assure you that we will all be one big, happy family again.”
I felt some comfort in her words and stood to gather myself. Justin was trying to get up on my bed, so I picked him up and put him on top of it.
“Thank you,” I said, turning to Nanny B. “I love you too, and I am so blessed to have you in my life.”
Nanny B smiled. “Me too. Dinner should be ready in about an hour. Settle down for a while and you can come help me, if you want to.”
“I just might do that, as soon as I shower and change. In the meantime, do me a favor.”
“What is it?”
“Please don't tell anyone about what just happened. I know you be talking a lot to some of your friends in the neighborhood, but, uh, don't make me look bad, all right?”
She chuckled and placed her hand on her hip. “Do you really think I would tell my friends about you being emotional? That's none of their business, and shame on you forâ”
“I know. I was just making sure. I don't want anyone to think I'm soft, weak or anything like that, butâ”
“Chile, please. Even Jesus wept! If He cried, who do you think you are?”
I shrugged. “I'm Jaylin Jerome Rogers, that's who I am.”
“And?”
“And I'm not supposed to go out like this.”
“Says who?”
“Says me. I'm a little embarrassed, but I'm so down with your support. Now, let's be done with this because I'm starving. I'll be in there to help you cook in a few.”
Nanny B shook her head and reached for Justin.
“He good,” I said, placing him on my lap. “I'll bring him to you before I take my shower.”
Nanny B nodded and left the room. I lay back on the bed, straddling Justin across my chest. I held his hands with mine as he bounced up and down on my chest, laughing. As I began to tickle him, he laughed harder. His laughs made me laugh, and I couldn't help but tighten my arms around my son and softly kiss his forehead.
“Oh, I love you so much, son. Way more than you can ever understand right now.”
All Justin did was smile, but I knew that he felt what I was saying. I put him down and he followed me into my closet. While inside, I removed my shirt and tossed a T-shirt and a pair of shorts over my shoulder. Justin was on the tips of his toes, trying to reach for my Rolex watches that sat on top of the island. I reached for one Rolex, putting it on his wrist. I knelt down beside him.
“I see you're already trying to be like me, but if you wear one of those, make sure you got the right suit on. No cheap mess, okay? You gotta have swag, too, and I'll tell you about all of that once you get a li'l older. As for the ladies, when you find one that you love, man, hang on to her tight! Treat her well and do not make the mistakes that I have.” Justin nodded, pretty much ignoring me and trying to remove the glistening diamonds from my watch. He took it off, giving it back to me. “Thank you,” I said, gathering the rest of my things to take a shower and watching him tear through my closet, putting on my shirts and stepping into a pair of my black leather shiny shoes. I tossed one of my hats on his head and held out my hand for him to give me five.
“Aw, man, that's you right there?” I said, smiling at how much he looked like me. “You already got the game and gone with it.”
Justin kept looking at himself in the mirror, taking the hat off and putting it back on. He laughed some more and fussed when it was time to leave the closet. I picked him up, carrying him out the door. “Nanny B got the house already smelling good. Don't you smell that?”
“Yes,” Justin said.
“I do too,” I said, putting him down. He rushed to the kitchen, where Nanny B was sitting at the table breaking open some lettuce with her hands. She wiped them on a rag next to her, then reached for Justin so he could sit on her lap.
“I'm going to take my shower,” I said. “I'll be back to help in a bit.”
“Hurry,” she said, smiling, and looking at Justin, who had already stuck some lettuce in his mouth. “As you can see, he's not going to let me get much done.”
“I will.”
I returned to my bedroom with the thought of Nokea still heavy on my mind. My shower took longer than expected, for I couldn't stop thinking about if there would ever be another time that she would join me. I visualized her being in the shower with me, but the fear of moving forward alone was fresh in my head.
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Later that night, I tossed and turned in bed. I couldn't sleep at all, and my eyes stayed glued to the dark sky that had lightning occasionally flashing through it. I rubbed my chest, feeling as if I hadn't done enough to try to save my marriage. Yeah, for some people, it may have been too late, but I in no way could accept what had gone down in court today. I looked at the clock, and it was only ten-twenty. I had to see Nokea, just to tell her what a big mistake she had made today, and to see if there was any way possible for us to get back on the right track. She had been calling too many shots lately, and I didn't like the path that she had chosen for us. I tossed the cover aside, and put on my light blue pajama shirt, which matched my pants. As thunder crackled, I slid into my house shoes and grabbed my keys from the dresser.
On my way to her condo, the rain was coming down hard. The wipers didn't seem to be moving fast enough, making it difficult for me to see. I started to pull over, but I was anxious to get to her place. Unfortunately for me, when I got there, her Range Rover was not in its designated place. I called her cell phone, but she didn't answer. I wondered where she could be at this time of the night. Maybe she had parked elsewhere. When I drove around the entire parking lot to see if I could find her truck, no luck. Just for the hell of it, I ran inside to see if she was there. I was drenched as hell, knocking on her door, but got no answer. The thought of her being with another man was starting to consume my mind, but who in the hell was he? There had to be someone else, and I was fooling myself if I thought there wasn't. The insecurities that I felt inside were unbelievable. I had never felt this way before, but no woman had ever had a hold on me like Nokea did.
I walked outside, with my head hanging low. The rain seemed to be coming down even harder; water was dripping from my chin, hair, nose and eyelashes. I combed back my dripping wet hair with my fingers. When I saw headlights in Nokea's parking spot, our eyes locked together. I walked up to her truck, and she lowered her window.
“What are you doing out here?” she asked. “You're soaking wet.”
“So? I needed to see you. Where have you been?”
Nokea looked irritated, tapping her fingers on the steering wheel. “It's really none of your business, but I went to the movies. Wanted to clear my head. Staying cooped up inside my condo was driving me crazy.”
“Did you go alone?”
Nokea opened the door, standing out in the rain with me. She squinted, blinking fast so she could see. “Does it really matter, Jaylin?”
“Hell yes, it does! We have some unfinished business to take care of. If you think what happened in court today is final, baby, you're sadly mistaken. No way, no how, am I giving up on us. You need to tell whoever he is that weâ”
“There is no one else, Jaylin, so stop sounding so darn insecure. I never wanted anyone but you. Don't you know that?”
I stared at Nokea, watching the rain beat down on her beautiful face. Her hair had gotten flat and her clothes were now drenched as well. I reached out my hands, holding her face and softly rubbing her cheeks with my thumbs.