Jonathan's Hope (8 page)

“GOOD MORNING,”
Jonathan mumbled, his voice coarse, still half-asleep. He didn’t mind waking up with Dan holding him like that,
not at all
.

“Sorry about that,” Dan responded, rolling away from him, as if he’d been caught with both hands in the cookie jar. He quickly got out of bed, pulling on a pair of sweats and a tee. “I’ll go make us breakfast,” he said, dashing out the door, blushing.

Jonathan rolled onto his back, a smile on his face. The bed, the pillows, the covers, they all smelled of Dan, and that smell conveyed security, safety, and comfort. All things Jonathan had been missing for years. He pulled up the covers in a ball and took in a deep breath, hugging them as if it were Dan himself.

Later, at the breakfast table, there was an uneasy silence between the two. Dan was embarrassed at having been ‘caught’ red-handed, wanting Jonathan, although he’d said the opposite. Jonathan didn’t want to push the issue, afraid of how close he was to the door. And, although the winter storm had subsided, it left behind well over a foot of snow and it would be impossible for him to survive out there by himself.

Instead, both men ate their food in silence. Dan drank his tea, Jonathan relished his coffee. When Dan noticed with how much love Jonathan drank his coffee, he couldn’t help but smile. “Hey, listen, I need to go out and buy groceries today. If you’d like, I’ll get you some fresh coffee so you can taste and smell how it’s really supposed to be...”

The look on Jonathan’s face was priceless, yet scary at the same time. There was lust, want for the coffee, but immediately after, he noticed the fear, the terror in his eyes. “I take it you don’t want to tag along?” Dan wondered, not sure if he’d interpreted Jonathan’s look correctly.

“I...” Jonathan trailed. “I’m scared. I don’t know why. What if someone recognizes me? What if the police are looking for me? What if...” He didn’t finish the thought, but Dan could see it would be useless to pressure Jonathan.

“Listen, tomorrow is your eighteenth birthday, right? Starting tomorrow, you are an adult. You’ll be able to make your own decisions, so you won’t have to worry about your parents any longer. And, if it makes you feel any better, I can push the shopping until tomorrow. Deal?” Dan looked at Jonathan, hoping that his words would relax the young man.

“Thank you,” Jonathan responded, relieved. “I don’t know why I’m so scared. I just feel that I don’t want to leave the house ever again. Here it’s warm, cozy, sheltered, you know. But when I look out the window into the cold, the snow, it’s so scary...”

Dan couldn’t help himself any longer. He got up and walked over to Jonathan, hugging him. “I told you yesterday, you’re safe here. No one is going to touch you, hurt you. I promise. You may not know me very well, but I’ll make sure you’re safe here, whatever it takes...”

Jonathan looked up at the man standing behind him, the man draping his arms around him, and smiled. Then he asked the inevitable question. “What about us?”

Dan’s arms dropped instantly, his resolve weakened. He sat down again. “That... I guess we need to talk. I, uh...” he started, not sure how to tell him about his conflicting feelings. His want for Jonathan, his reluctance to engage in anything physical with a minor, the demons chasing him, and Sean still lingering in his memories, his life.

“Can you just give me some time? You’re very perceptive, and I’d be lying if I denied that you are a very attractive young man. Yes, I find myself oddly drawn to you but you’re still seventeen. I would be committing a crime if I were to do anything. But that’s not all, not really. I, uh...” Dan didn’t really know how to tell him about Sean, about their life together, and how he’d never really recovered from Sean’s death. He never really allowed Sean to die, not in his mind anyway. For Dan, Sean was still alive, a ghost, living in their house. There were pieces of Sean everywhere. In every cup he’d ever held, the coffee that Jonathan was drinking, the side of the bed that had now become Dan’s, the clothes that were still hanging in Sean’s closet. There were so many memories of his lover that Dan just couldn’t let go of him. Not yet, not after a year. Maybe not ever.

They’d had a good run together, Sean and he. They dated for a year before making it official, and when Sean moved in with him they had another four years of bliss and happiness, working together on the cabin, making love, working hard, playing hard.

Dan had always been a bit of a recluse, and it had only been a freak incident that brought him to the club that night. Actually, he’d been asked to write about the growing gay scene in the city, and he figured he had to at least step inside a club once to know what he was writing about. At least that’s what the owner of the bar had told him on the phone. “You’re gay and you’ve never been to a gay bar? And now you’re doing a piece on gay life and you’ve never been to a gay venue. Dude, how do you expect to pull that off?” Dan really did not have anything to say to that, so he went. He ordered a beer and sat in a corner of the bar, watching guys come and go. He’d picked one of the exclusively male bars, although he wasn’t sure why. There were two more places he could’ve gone to that also catered to lesbians.

Maybe it had been a sign, because had he chosen Roxy or the Lantern that night, he might have never met Sean. Instead, he chose to sit in the corner of the basement bar “Cave” while silently drinking his beer, when a group of young men walked into the bar. They were his age, maybe a couple of years younger, loud, outgoing, drawing stares and appreciative looks. They were all very handsome, obviously gym goers, the type who cared more about their looks than their intellects. Dan looked away. While he enjoyed looking at the naked male body, particularly the good looking, well trained type, having jerked off to such imagery ever since he was a teen, he had learned over the years that such beauty usually came shallow. The only commitment they were capable of was to their own satisfaction. They were usually miserable in bed, and would invariably leave before breakfast. Dan didn’t need that.
Oh no, I’m fine by myself. I’d rather jerk off for the rest of my life than be jerked around by some jerk...

That’s why Dan never noticed that one of the guys in the group, a tall, brown-haired guy with a pleasant smile had taken notice of Dan, excusing himself from his mates, beer in hand, to walk over to Dan’s table. Sitting down without asking for permission, he introduced himself. “Hey, my name is Sean. I don’t think we’ve met...”

Dan looked up, and into a couple of eyes that were completely and utterly fixated on him. Once their eyes met, Dan fell. For the first time in his life, Dan fell, freely, and he didn’t seem to mind.

That may sound cliché but it’s exactly how Dan was feeling. No tether, no line to stop the fall. Oddly, Dan was perfectly fine, falling as he was...

The two men started up an easy conversation, about work, being gay, the “Cave,” coming out. The kind of conversation you have when you talk to a perfect stranger over a beer in a bar you’ve never been to before. Dan had this strange out of body experience. He was hovering above the table, just under the ceiling, watching himself relax. He watched himself laugh, smile at Sean, and just talk to this young man, this beautiful specimen of man. He watched himself fall, fall, fall.

“Having fun, boys?” It was the bartender. “I’m closing up so you may want to start heading home...”

That’s when Dan fell again, from the ceiling, back into his own body. It was two o’clock in the morning and the bar was closing. He had been talking to Sean for four straight hours, the beer still in his hand, warm.

They left the bar together. Sean was careful not to touch Dan, after having been told just what a hermit the man next to him was, and how the pretty boys only ever wanted the one thing. Sean had promised himself to make this work.

When Sean walked through the door of the Cave that night, after another great workout with his mates, he immediately noticed the guy in the corner of the bar. His dark hair, his square jaw, the way he seemed so utterly out of place, and he was intrigued. While Sean loved his workouts, loved to stay fit, loved to take care of his body, he didn’t really do so because of himself. He did it because he wanted to be in shape for his man, not that he had one, not right then anyway, but you need to be ready. So he worked out, and regularly replaced the lube and condom he always carried with him.

He couldn’t keep himself from walking over to that mysterious man, someone he had never seen out before. Not at the Roxy, not at the Lantern, and certainly not there, at the Cave. He needed to find out who he was.

When they reached Dan’s condo, Sean quickly kissed Dan on the cheek and promised to call the next day to set up a second date. Then he left Dan at the front door of the high rise where he lived, watching Sean trot away, almost jogging. He went to bed that night thinking about the mysterious man he met. Why he had singled out him, of all the guys at the bar. How had time passed so quickly? How he was falling, falling, falling.

Dan fell asleep with a smirk on his face.

ODDLY, DAN LONGED
for Sean the moment he woke up the morning after their first date, which he wasn’t sure could even be counted as such, because it wasn’t ever set up as a date, but who cares, right?

Dan woke up with a smile and a raging hard-on. He took his time taking care of that, dreaming of Sean. Imagining various ways to bring pleasure to Sean, which was odd, because Sean was so different from the way he had expected him to be, far from his preconceptions of a pretty boy chasing another one night stand.

Sean would continue to shame him every time they met. It would take Dan two months to find out just why Sean was taking it so slow. Why he would never spend the night, why they hadn’t had sex yet, despite the fact that they had seen each other practically every day. Neither Dan nor Sean could stay away from the other and if Sean hadn’t called Dan, Dan would call Sean. They talked over breakfast, met up for lunch or dinner, and went out for a beer whenever time permitted.

Yes, it took Dan two months to find out why Sean was taking things too slowly even for his taste. It was because of something he told Sean that first night.

“...you pretty boys,” Dan had said, “all you ever want is a one night stand, get off quickly, cum and go. To you guys, people like me are just collateral damage...”

Sean had been hurt by the comment, although it wasn’t entirely untrue. Yes, in his past, Sean often met guys he had in fact cum and left without ever looking back. But Dan had no idea that the minute he looked into those eyes and started falling, that Sean had joined him, committed for the long haul.

Sean decided to make this work. He had to prove to Dan that he could indeed take it slow, that he could stick to one guy, commit.

Dan had been ashamed when he finally learned the reason, spending the rest of that night apologizing for the hurtful comment. It took him another month after that before he finally lured Sean into his apartment, and got his hands on the man. Not just hugging and kissing, but actually got his hands under Sean’s clothes, removing them, relishing the sight of his beautiful body, carefully sculpted over years of running to the gym. That beautiful body he had wanted to be his ever since he first looked into the eyes of the man opposite him on the couch.

Their lovemaking was intense. It was like ocean waves crashing on a rocky shore, again, and again, intense, loud. It had been a while since Dan was with a guy, and he cherished every second, every caress, every movement from Sean’s hands and fingers on his body. The way Sean used his tongue to explore his body, the way Sean’s cock rubbed against his thighs, his back, his chest.

He loved the manly, salty taste of Sean’s cock as he finally gained access to it. He tried hard not to gag, failing, but the laughter it elicited from Sean was loving, not judging. Sean also failed miserably returning the favor, gagging as well, leaving both men cracking up. Sean was the first to gain his composure, noticing that in the laughter, Dan had gone limp. He took the man’s sack in his mouth and moved his tongue around the balls, licking that sensitive skin around a man’s cock and ball sack. Then he moved south, trailing backwards, lifting Dan’s legs up on his shoulders, dragging his tongue slowly but deliberately to the sacred spot that sent shivers up and down the spine of every man he’d ever met. Dan was no exception. His moan told Sean that he was on the right track, knew that he would soon have his prize. He rimmed Dan for all he was worth, and Dan’s resistance, if there had ever been any, melted under his tongue’s ministrations.

He entered Dan shortly after, the freshly replaced condom and lube finally coming to some good use. For Sean, it had been three months and four days since he had last slept with a guy. It was a quick encounter at the lavatory of the Lantern. He carefully placed the crown of his cock against Dan’s sphincter and pushed, lowering his upper body down towards Dan’s, meeting him in a deep kiss, as his cock found its place inside Dan. The fucking was slow, deliberate. Sean knew that any sudden move would send him over the edge and he didn’t want to cum quickly. He pulled out, thrust in, carefully, slowly, deliberately, all the way in. Dan was an amazing lover, and like so many men before, he lost his heart to Dan that night while they were making love. Sean had been careful not to cum, hoping that Dan might return the favor, that Dan might be as versatile as he, and they might enjoy each other fully, again and again. Sean also hoped that Dan felt the same way he did.

Sean was right, relieved, and he finally came with Dan’s cock buried deep inside him as they thrust over and over, coming simultaneously, accompanied by a groan that made Sean wonder if the condom would withstand the pressure.

That was the first time he had been invited to spend the night, but Sean still wanted to prove to Dan that he was worth his trust, worth the wait. They continued to see each other every day. They had sex, spent the night together, sometimes at Sean’s place, his small studio apartment in the outskirts, but mostly at Dan’s place, that condo with the amazing view over the city’s central business district.

They continued dating, getting to know each other until, on the one-year anniversary of their first date, Sean arrived at Dan’s place with a suitcase. “I think it’s time we took this to the next level, hon!” It was the best anniversary gift Dan could have imagined. They moved the rest of Sean’s things into the condo that same day. Dan was absolutely sure that he would spend the rest of his life with Sean. Sean had also been relieved, afraid that his crazy idea might backfire, but ultimately, he had gone with his gut. Ultimately, he had been right.

Their relationship was different from most others. Their friends would also date, they would also move in with each other, some even got married and bought houses, but they also fought, argued, and bickered, just like most other couples. Dan and Sean were the exception. Dan was a successful journalist, an award winning reporter even, and Sean was the aspiring paralegal, still in law school, a few months from taking his degree. Sean knew that he would have a position with his firm as a lawyer after he graduated. He worked there for a couple of years and already knew more about the law than many of the lawyers he worked for.

Sean was passionate about the law. He truly cared for justice, not just winning. His empathy was a unique quality of his.

Sean and Dan’s relationship was harmonious, happy. Of course, they didn’t always agree. Of course, they argued, but they would never raise their voices, would never shout, would never say hurtful words to each other, much to the amazement of their small circle of friends. They just didn’t have to. Sean could read Dan like an open book, understanding his lover’s needs before Dan was aware of them.

They never argued, not even on the day Sean died. They had spent the weekend at their cabin, two friends of Sean’s had joined them, camping out on the living room floor. Sean wanted to go out and hunt, as their supply of meat was running low, and since Dan wouldn’t be able to pull a trigger, let alone watch someone else do it, Sean invited two of his buddies from town to join him. One was a guy he knew from work, the other an old buddy from his gym. The three men set out early to take advantage of dawn and maybe catch a deer as it returned from the lake.

Dan and Sean kissed each other as the men left, and Dan returned to bed, seeing that five in the morning was no time for any sane human being to be up and about. The forecast promised good weather, but the late fall day had veiled the lake in a thick fog.

Dan remembered hearing the shot.

It was the cold chill down his spine that sent Dan from the warmth of their bed. It was as if someone had just walked over his grave. Dan was freezing for a moment as every hair on his body stood straight, fear and worry clouding his mind if only for a brief moment. He shoved the thoughts aside, put on his sweats and a tee and walked into the kitchen to start breakfast. Sean and his pals would be back soon enough, as soon as they gutted the animal, disposed of its internal organs and carried it back to the house. Undoubtedly, they would be hungry.

Five minutes later, Dan’s world came to an abrupt end as Sean’s friends returned, banging on the door, screaming for an ambulance...

They had gotten separated in the forest for a little while, the fog making it difficult to see. The young lawyer, unaccustomed to hunting, had mistaken Sean’s careful movements in the fog for a deer, shooting him. He hit him in his leg, severing his femoral artery, leaving Sean to bleed to death within minutes. There was nothing that could be done to save him. By the time the ambulance arrived, Sean had been dead for an hour.

Dan never really recovered from Sean’s death. Sean’s friend was fined for having broken some stupid hunting laws, but his real punishment was the look on Dan’s face as he ran to Sean’s body. Seeing the broken man rock the dead shell of his lover on his lap, sobbing, screaming like a mad man. He would have to live with that image on his retina for the rest of his life. Dan did not want to press any charges. Sean was gone, and nothing, nothing would ever bring him back.

After Sean’s funeral, Dan buried the urn in the forest in the spot where he died. When Dan returned to the city, everything felt weird. They had lived there during the weeks for almost four years, but the condo was still his, and without Sean there, Dan couldn’t concentrate on his work. The city felt cold, foreign, hostile.

He sold the condo, stored the furniture and moved permanently to the cabin, returning to his lonely ways, alone, breaking off most of the friendships he had formed with Sean. Those had mostly, well exclusively, been Sean’s friends anyway, and he didn’t want to face them. He didn’t want see their sorrow, didn’t want their pity. Sean was his lover, his man, his loss. He had to deal with it on his own.

Back in the cabin, he was alone, but part of Sean was still there in every corner of the house. He was in the bathroom they had built together, he was in the insulation they added to make the house habitable year-round, he was in the kitchen where they installed a real electric stove and oven instead of the old wooden furnace. Sean was in their bedroom, in their bed, he was in his clothes on the left side of the closet they shared, he was in the toothbrush he had used just a few weeks before, he was in the razor that still hung in the shower, he was in the deodorant left behind, the cologne. Sean was everywhere, and when Dan would look up, he could see his shadow move around the house.

Such was the sorrow and grief of Dan that not even Rascal could console. He had misinterpreted the dog’s intentions when he jumped into bed the night after Sean’s death, almost strangling the critter as he threw him out of his bedroom by the collar. Rascal spent the rest of the night by the door, whining. The next night he jumped up into bed again, but this time Dan left him alone, crying himself to sleep. After that, the dog slept on Sean’s side every night. Every night until Jonathan appeared at his doorstep.

Jonathan, the first real human contact in a year’s time.

That was the story that Dan relayed to Jonathan as they sat at the table, one year and two days after Sean’s death. The day before Jonathan’s eighteenth birthday.

“He was only twenty-seven, you know. Twenty-seven, that’s no age to die. I miss him, Jonathan. I miss him every second, every minute, every hour of every day. So, while having you here has been amazing, and while there is a part of me, a growing part of me, that wants to be with you, there is also a large part of me that just isn’t ready, not for sex, and not for a relationship. Do you understand that?”

He hadn’t looked at Jonathan while he recounted his story. He was afraid that Jonathan might judge him, might consider him insane. Might leave him immediately, extinguishing the tiny flame that had been lit in his heart.

Jonathan wiped a tear from his eye and stretched out his hand to touch Dan’s arms that were folded on the kitchen table.

“Wow,” he said, “that’s…heavy, and here I thought that my life sucked.”

Dan had to laugh at that comment, given that he had thought the same thing about Jonathan’s situation. By comparison, Dan’s ordeal was nothing.

“All I want is to take it slow. I know you feel something for me, I can see it written all over your face, Jon. But I’m not ready, and I’m not sure you are either...” Dan was unsure how to express himself without hurting Jonathan. “I’m thirty-one years old, and I’m a widower. I’ve seen a lot of shit in my life, although nothing in comparison to what you’ve been through. However, given your age, your experiences, how would you even recognize that you love someone? Have you ever actually fallen in love? Have you ever been with a guy, sexually I mean? Please don’t get me wrong, I don’t want to dismiss you, I don’t want to imply you’re immature, but try to see it from my point of view, please?” He looked over to Jonathan who was still holding on to his arm.

“No, I get it. You’re right. No, I’ve never been with a guy, not in any sexual way, not in any way. I mean, I’ve never even kissed anyone, and I’m not sure I can explain what it is I feel for you. I am very grateful for your help, for having opened your door for me, providing me shelter and all. I’d be lying if I said I didn’t find you attractive, didn’t want to be with you, although I don’t know how...” Jonathan trailed, blushing.

“Jon,” Dan tried, “it’s okay. Don’t worry about it. How could you know? Listen, why don’t you shower, and we’ll take a walk? I think it would be good if you took a few steps outside today. The longer you wait, the more difficult it will be. You can hold Rascal’s leash if you’d like.” The dog looked up from his quilt, excited about the prospect of finally getting out.