Jonathan's Hope (16 page)

PARKER SCHEDULED THE
meeting for the week before the trial began. Jonathan was in the middle of his finals, had passed the oral examinations with flying colors, and was one test away from completing the requirements to graduate.

Dan had taken a couple of weeks off because some of the journalists from the tabloids had gotten their address, and were camped out on their doorstep. Luckily, the complex where they lived had a fierce and intimidating guy at the front door that did not allow anyone up to any apartment without approval by the tenant or owner. Yet still, every time they left the building, flash lights went off. Questions were yelled, and Dan had the distinct feeling they were being followed wherever they went, significantly curtailing their freedom. Most restaurants were out of the question as they didn’t have enough security to keep the reporters and paparazzi at bay. Besides, it just wasn’t any fun being out eating, knowing what they’d have to go through after finishing their meal.

The home that Parker and Dennis shared had become a welcome getaway during those days. Dennis did his best at entertaining his partner’s new friends, getting to know the two young men who could easily have been his children, almost grand children, he thought with a sentimental twinge when he first met them.

There, they were reasonably safe. Their house was in one of the wealthy suburbs of the city, well protected behind walls and gates. Dennis belonged to one of the old families that had originally founded the city, several hundred years earlier. His family had earned a considerable fortune over the generations. Being an only child, it had all fallen to him after his parents died. His parents were disappointed that their only son would never have children of his own, but they didn’t disapprove of his choice in life partner. Unfortunately, the disappointment of what would undoubtedly be the end of a dynasty was still palpable as his mother lay on her deathbed all those years ago. Dennis was twenty years Parker’s senior, and had retired more or less, simply taking care of the house and his substantial estate.

Dennis was amazed when he learned of Jonathan’s inheritance, putting him on par with his own fortune. He made himself a promise to help guide the young man as best as he could through the treacherous waters that wealth takes you through. He had lived through his fair share of disappointments, knowing full well what it meant to be loved, not for who you are, but for what you own, that deceptive feeling of false security. Luckily, he met Parker, a truly remarkable fellow. He was a young, enthusiastic lawyer, who didn’t care about Dennis’ money. He was so convinced that he would eventually create his own fortune that he proposed to Dennis with a prenuptial contract in hand, giving up any future claim to Dennis’ wealth should their relationship not work out. They never signed it, but Dennis had been moved to tears, and had accepted Parker’s hand. Not that it mattered. At the time, there was no such thing as domestic partnership or gay marriage. It was just two guys sharing a flat, or a mansion, in this particular case.

“We’ve been together for thirty-six years, Jonathan, and I don’t regret a single day,” Dennis told him once after they carried the dishes back to the kitchen. “Parker was so young when we met, still in college, cramming for his exams, poor like a church rat, not a penny to his name, but he made up for that with his eagerness, his willpower. I fell in love with him the first time I saw him...” There was a tremor in Dennis’ voice at the memory, and Jonathan wondered if he and Dan would ever be awarded such a future. Yes, there were similarities between him and Parker, but on the other hand, Parker’s parents had been loving, working hard to put him through college, providing him a life they could never hope for themselves.

Only time will tell...

“Are you ready to meet your father?” Dennis asked, putting dishes into the dishwasher, his voice as casual and noncommittal as he could muster. He knew, of course, that Dan didn’t like the idea, and he could only imagine what was going through Jonathan’s mind, what was in his heart. Yet at the same time, the boy seemed so strong, so incredibly strong. Dennis wondered how he would have fared under such circumstances.
I’m glad I don’t have to...

“A little nervous, to be honest,” Jonathan started, handing Dennis another dirty plate that the older man carefully placed in the dishwasher. “I haven’t seen my father in five months, and I already know what he’s done, but I don’t know why. I need to understand why. Can you see that Dennis? Can you understand why I need to know?”

Dennis stretched his back, every bone and muscle in his old back aching from bowing down to the dishwasher. He looked at the young man before him, seeing the need Jonathan spoke of so clearly in his eyes. Jonathan was the epitome of a question mark, this tall, handsome, gangly young man.

“You know, son, I do. I absolutely do understand that you want to know. In your situation, I would feel exactly the same. But allow me to say this, and you don’t have to take this advice if you don’t want to, but be prepared to not find what you’re looking for. Your father may not have the answers you seek. He may want to, but still not be able to give them to you. He may also just want to see you to once again establish a hold over you before the trial. Be ready for the worst, son, and hope for the best. You’re lucky to have Dan by your side. Together you’ll get through whatever life may throw at you. But only if you trust one another, love one another, and if you stay open, truthful and faithful to one another.” Dennis chided himself for sounding like an old fart. Oh well, too late for that now. He put his hand on the young man’s shoulder and led him back to the study where Parker and Dan were sharing a whiskey.

“Can I get you boys anything?” Parker asked, jumping from his chair as Dennis and Jonathan walked in. Jonathan smiled at his choice of words, so fitting for him, yet so teasing to Dennis. Judging from the blush on Dennis’ face, the small word had hit its mark, making Dennis feel special, loved, seen. In that instance, Jonathan understood what it meant to love, it was almost an epiphany.

“Dan, may I have a word with you?” The three men looked at him curiously, wondering what was going on, surprised by the unusually formal tone and infliction of Jonathan’s voice. “Sure,” Dan said and followed Jonathan out into the hallway, as Parker poured Dennis a glass of the precious Scottish concoction.

“Tomorrow,” Jonathan started, taking both of Dan’s hands into his, “I’ll need you to have my back. I don’t know what my dad is going to say or do, and I’m not sure I’m strong enough to deal with him alone. I’ll need you more than I’ve ever needed you before, Dan. Can you do that for me, please?” Jonathan looked down at Dan, his eyes locked onto his, imprinting on Dan the importance and significance of what he’d just said.

Dan was at a loss for words.
Did he just say he loved me?
Jonathan’s plea certainly gave him that vibe.

Jonathan did not avert his eyes from Dan, not even to blink. “I, uh, of course, Jon, you know I would never abandon you. Never. I love you too much, and I’d die before I let anyone hurt you ever again,” he said, his voice trembling.

“I love you, too, Dan.” It was all he could say before his voice broke and they fell into each other’s arms and kissed.

***

The next morning was tense. Dan’s knuckles were white from clutching the steering wheel as he drove Jonathan to the penitentiary where Jon’s dad was being held. Dan was still not convinced that this was the right thing to do, but Jonathan had explained it to him again the night before. Both Dennis and Parker sided with him, so who was he to argue?
I’m just overprotective of my man, I guess...

When they arrived at the visitor center of the prison, they were both thoroughly searched.
As if I’d bring anything to get my dad out of here...

Rules were rules, and they needed to be followed. Once they had passed both security checks, they were led to a waiting room. Parker was already there, conversing with another man, a pale looking guy in his thirties, probably Jonathan’s father’s lawyer.

When Parker noticed the arrival of his clients and friends, he jumped up and approached them, giving each man a bear hug. “So, are you ready?” He looked only at Jonathan. Dan was suddenly worried. “I have bad news. The prison will only allow one visitor in there. I’m sorry, Jonathan, but you can only go in there by yourself. We’ll be waiting right here if you do, okay? You can still change your mind. Do you understand? You don’t have to do this...”

Jonathan’s knees felt like Jell-O at Parker’s words, and the petrified look on Dan’s face did not exactly strengthen his resolve. But he’d come this far, and he was going to see this through to the end. Without another word, he started walking towards the door that would lead him into the visitor’s room. Squeezing Dan’s hand tightly before letting him go, he walked in silence. That squeeze was all he could do to communicate that Dan would have to be strong for both of them, right there, instead.

Inside the room where the actual visit would take place was a small table and two chairs. Behind him, the door closed and locked. On the other side of the room was another door, undoubtedly the one leading to the prison tract. The door from which his father would emerge.

He could hear the footsteps approach, more than one person walking towards the door. He heard keys go into the lock and turning then the door opened before he saw the motion. In came a guard and behind him his father. In the corridor, a second guard stood waiting. The guard led Jonathan’s father to the table where he sat down quietly. The guard stood back by the door and waited, cautioning, “Fifteen minutes, guys. Fifteen minutes.”

He looked old. Unshaved, pale, bloodshot eyes, hair unkempt, in the prison jumpsuit. So completely unlike the three piece suit, neatly shaved face and the perfectly combed hair Jonathan had been used to throughout his childhood. Before him sat a man he recognized, but didn’t know.

“Hello, son,” he started, looking at Jonathan. “Thank you for coming by.”

Jonathan looked at this man, looked him in the eyes, trying to discern any redeeming qualities, anything that might lead him to want to forgive him for all the things he had done to him and his mother. He saw nothing except an odd expression on his face, but he couldn’t decipher it, couldn’t say what it was.

“I’m glad you came, son. This means a lot to me. I wanted, I
needed
to say this to you, away from everyone else, because I was hoping you would understand. I’m sorry. I’m so sorry for what I have done to you and your mother. I love you.” He paused, taking a deep breath, looking to the table, as if he was pondering what to say next.

“I understand that you’ll never be able to forgive me for what I’ve done, but please understand that I never stopped loving you. You were the most precious gift that was ever given to me.”

He started crying at these last words, dropping his head into his cuffed hands. Jonathan was momentarily at a loss for words, but then he caught himself, and asked, “Why, dad? Why?”

His father didn’t reply. Instead, he got up and walked to the door, and the guard let him out.

The meeting was over, and it hadn’t been at all what Jonathan had expected. There was no hatred, no urge to get up and strangle his tormentor, none of that. His father had not tried to reassert his control either, unable, broken as he was. Yet, as Jonathan looked back, replaying the encounter before his inner eyes, there was a different man from the one he had grown up with. His face looked so different from what he saw all those years at home. Though, on the outside, the only thing changing over the years were the added wrinkles here or there and the graying temples. Yet today, this face, these eyes, they looked so different. Jonathan tried to think of what they reminded him of, but he couldn’t find the word.

He got up and rejoined Dan and the lawyers back in the visitor’s lounge. No, that was not the meeting he had expected. Not at all. He still didn’t know why. It was just as Dennis had predicted. Maybe his father didn’t know either.

The next morning, Jonathan woke to his cell phone buzzing. It was Parker.

“Son, I’m sorry to be the bearer of more bad news, but your father is dead.”

“
HE HUNG HIMSELF
in his cell last night. Since he wasn’t a convicted criminal but only in custody, they’re afforded more comforts, if you will. Sadly, some of the inmates use those comforts, like sheets, to do stupid things. No one saw this coming. Your father was not under supervision for being suicidal. I’m sorry, son. I know you don’t need another loss at this stage, and I’m sorry you never got the answers you were looking for.” Parker stopped, realizing he had just said too much. “Sorry, Dennis told me about your conversation the other night. Is Daniel up?”

“No, he’s still asleep. I’m okay, Parker. I really am. I almost expected him to do something like this. I had the weirdest feeling about it all day yesterday. It was as if he only wanted to say goodbye, you know? His face, when he saw me, it was so peaceful, so...” Jonathan was still trying to find the right word.
Benevolent, that’s it
.

“He looked so at peace with himself, so benevolent, it was eerie. I’ve never seen that expression on him before. It took me a day to put a word on it.”

“Something else, son. He left you a note. The police will bring it by your house later today. You may want to brace yourself, though. It could be the ‘why’ you’ve been looking for... Make sure Dan’s nearby.” He hung up, leaving Jonathan alone with his thoughts.

Next to him, Dan was still asleep. Jonathan turned over, looking at the man next to him.
Should I wake him? Should I just let him sleep?
He was thinking about the strange sensation of being told that his father had killed himself, and the fact that it had neither surprised nor shocked him.
Or maybe, this is what being in shock is all about?
Jonathan felt absolutely nothing.

He had absorbed the news, taken it in, but what did he feel? He climbed out of bed, trying to be as quiet about it as possible. He didn’t want to wake Dan. All the fuss over the past weeks were taking a toll on his man, leaving him strained and exhausted. Jonathan walked out to the kitchen, needing some of his brew, his coffee, to start his day. He needed to think.

Is this what it means to suffer from sensory overload? Am I losing my mind? So much has happened to me in these past months. I lost myself, found a loving partner, lost my mom, and now my father. Is it just too much to process, have I no feelings left? Why am I not upset at his death? Why am I not crying? Or laughing? Why am I not feeling anything?

His brooding didn’t provide any answers. Instead, he turned on his laptop, catching up with the latest news, drawn to it like the proverbial fly. Naturally, the news of his father’s death was on the front page of every paper.

Prominent city attorney accused of abusing son and wife, found dead in holding cell.

Well, he wasn’t that prominent
, Jonathan thought,
but I guess it makes for a better headline
. He tried to read the article, but was interrupted by the buzzer from the intercom.

“Mr. Bates?” the bell man downstairs was calling. “There are two police officers here to see you. May I send them up?”

“Sure. I’ve been expecting them. Thanks, Pete.”

He hung up the phone and steeled himself for what was to come. He knew he had a couple of minutes before the doorbell to their condo would ring, delivering his father’s final words. With it, would he find hope, despair, knowledge, closure?

Dan walked into the kitchen, coming up behind Jonathan, hugging him, kissing his neck. “Morning, beautiful. What’s up?”

“My dad hung himself in his cell last night,” Jonathan responded, a matter of fact statement that sent cold shivers down Dan’s back.

“He what?” Dan yelled, clearly in shock. He grabbed Jonathan and held him so tight it left him breathless for a second or two. “Oh, baby, are you okay? I’m so sorry, so sorry...” he continued, kissing Jonathan’s forehead, rocking him in his arms, desperate to console him.

“Dan,” Jonathan said, “air. I can’t breathe...” Immediately, Dan released his hard grip, but did not let go completely. “Thanks, but I’m fine, really. The police are on their way up with his farewell note. Parker said it might contain some answers...” Jonathan trailed, his voice still very cool, too cool for Dan’s comfort. “How are you holding up, Jon?” he asked, his voice full of concern.

“Fine, for now. You know, it’s odd. I don’t feel anything really. I’ve lost both my parents in the last four months, and I feel empty. No grief, no relief, nothing,” Jonathan said. “I’m not sure this makes sense.”

“It does in a way.” Dan looked worried. “Give it time. When you’re ready, you’ll be able to grieve your parents, just don’t rush it.” The doorbell rang, and Jonathan got out of Dan’s arms to answer it with Dan following him.

“Mr. Bates?” one of the officers asked. “My deepest condolences for your loss. My colleague and I, uh, we have something for you. It seems your father left you a letter. It was lying on the desk in his cell but he had no envelope to put it in. The prison warden read it, standard procedure, that’s how we knew it was for you...” The officer didn’t finish his sentence, he’d said enough. He handed Jonathan a white envelope with the seal of the prison on it. Jonathan took the letter and thanked the officers for bringing it by. Dan stood right behind him, ready, just in case. Jonathan felt strong, he felt oddly strong.

The officers left and the two lovers returned to the kitchen. Jonathan held the letter in his hand as if it were a priceless jewel. “Well?” Dan asked. “Are you going to read it? Do you want me to read it to you?”

Carefully, Jonathan opened the envelope and pulled out the note, written on a small piece of paper. He read it out loud.

Son,

I’ve made so many mistakes in my life that there is no atonement for me, no hope. I’m sorry I hurt you. I’m sorry I hurt your mother. I only hope that someday you’ll be able to forgive me.

I know I have no right to ask, but would you consider doing your father a favor? Please visit the grave of Rick Johnsson, the first person ever to be hurt because of me. Leave a red rose on his grave and tell him I never forgot.

Thank you,

Dad

The note contained the address of a graveyard in a city out west, where Jonathan’s dad had once studied. He had never spoken much about college, just that he’d graduated from that particular college in that town.

No answers, just more questions...

Jonathan handed the note to Dan, who read it again and again. It made no sense.

“I’m sorry, Jon,” he finally said. Jonathan was standing at one of the large windows overlooking the central business district, the hustle and bustle of life going on below them, far away from their own chaos.

“Don’t worry, Dan. I’ll be fine. I just hope that we’ll see the end of this, sooner rather than later. I want to get back to building our life, not living other people’s.” Jonathan’s voice was suddenly filled with sadness. Dan hugged him tenderly from behind, wrapping his arms around the man that had rocked every single foundation of his life. He nuzzled his nose through Jon’s long hair, breathing in the scent that so quickly had become a part of his being. He never wanted to miss that scent again, no matter what.

“Did Parker say anything else?” Dan asked, covering Jonathan’s neck and shoulders with tender pecks. “No, not really, but maybe we should go over there later today. Find out what’s next? Maybe he can help us track this Rick Johnsson?”

“I can do that,” Dan replied. “After all, why would you be with a reporter otherwise?” He chuckled, pulling him into an even closer embrace. Jonathan laughed for the first time that day, and Dan took that as a good sign, allowing his hands to trail down Jonathan’s t-shirt to his sweat pants. Good sign, he thought to himself, as he felt Jonathan’s erection. He immediately dragged his man back to bed for some much needed love making.

After breakfast, they called Parker and made an appointment for that afternoon. Dan took the initiative and started looking for some information about the enigmatic Rick Johnsson. Sadly, his search came up empty. There was nothing to be found online, so they would just have to fly out there and learn on site. Dan was sure there would be college records and maybe something in a local newspaper. There would even be microfilms or maybe old papers that might reveal clues as to what might have happened and how Jonathan’s dad was involved.

Over lunch, they talked about a service for Jonathan’s father once the body was released to them. Dan had no doubt that this might take a while, given the trial and the circumstance of his death. Jonathan wanted to make sure that his father was buried next to his mom. Despite what he had done to her, he knew she loved her husband, and would have wanted him buried next to her, if possible. It all seemed a bit odd to Jonathan. Five months ago, his parents had all but condemned him to death when they abandoned him in the forest. Now, he was planning the burial of his second parent.

Jonathan thought of Mary, and the other people he had known in school and wondered just how they would react to such news. How they would have dealt with such blows.

Mary.

Jonathan thought about Mary often. He thought about contacting her since the second Dan gave him his laptop and he had gotten online. But something had stopped him, and in the end, he just never got around to it. Even now, four months later, he still hadn’t contacted his best friend.
Maybe it’s time...