Jonathan's Hope (14 page)

“Yes,” Dan replied. “When I got back to the room and you weren’t there, I had a hunch that you might be at the cemetery, but I guess I was there too early. Did you walk all the way out there? I couldn’t find you, so I returned to the hotel. This morning, I went down to the station to file a report. That’s when I met him. I guess he must’ve connected the dots between your disappearance and the filing from the hospital.”

“But why did you go and talk to Mr. Kendall?” Jonathan’s question seemed ominous, fresh doubt welling up inside him.

“Jon, honey, I didn’t have any contact details. I wanted to ask him for help. He seemed to be genuinely interested in your welfare last night. I wanted to ask him to help you graduate, so you can go to college, start a life, that’s all.” Dan was holding Jonathan’s hand in his, kissing the back of it gently. “How can you even begin to think that I’d betray you?”

Jonathan blushed. He didn’t have an answer to that particular question. He didn’t have any questions to the events of last night. He felt like a complete fool. “I’m sorry, Dan, so sorry...” He winced, fresh tears appearing in the corner of his eyes.

“Forget about this for now. All I care about right now is for you to get out of this hospital, to get well. I want us to be able to get on with our lives.”

“Our lives?” Jonathan asked quietly, not sure how to interpret the last thing Dan had said, fresh doubt about Dan’s motives and plans resurfacing. Dan must’ve seen it in Jonathan’s eyes, as he quickly quenched his lover’s doubts. “Together, silly. Our lives together!” He kissed Jonathan gently before he continued. “Last night, when I got back from the cemetery, to our empty hotel room, I realized just how far gone I was, how much I...” He paused, looking deeply into Jonathan’s eyes before finishing what he was about to say. “How much I love you. I know this may be too much, too soon, but when I thought I had lost you, it suddenly struck me. I love you, and I don’t ever want to lose you again. I had to go through this once, and I couldn’t bear to lose you, too.” Now it was Dan who started crying at the sudden realization of the emotional connection between the loss he had endured with Sean’s death and Jonathan’s disappearance, and how it had affected him.

Jonathan was at a loss for words. No one had ever told him that he was loved, and he wasn’t sure what that meant. How do you know if you love someone if you’ve never loved anyone before? How do you know love from lust, from friendship, from comfort, or just the feeling of being safe and protected? Jonathan had loved his mother, and he still loved his father, despite everything he had done to him, but the feelings he harbored for Dan were so much different from that. He remembered the night before Christmas when he declared his love for Dan. It was more of a question as he had been so overwhelmed with emotion after their love making. Now he was more unsure than ever if he actually knew what love really was.

He looked up at Dan, still sitting on his hospital bed, holding his hand with his head resting on his chest, crying quietly. Jonathan could only imagine what it had meant for Dan to take this step, to admit his true feelings for him. He understood that the relationship Dan and Sean shared was something special. He saw it in Dan’s eyes every time he spoke of Sean. There was that sparkle in his eyes, the infliction in his voice when he mentioned Sean’s name. He even noticed that goosebumps appeared on Dan’s skin, physical remnants of the strong bond he had shared with Sean.

Now Dan was telling him he felt the same way about him? It scared Jonathan, because he wasn’t sure he was able to measure up to Sean. Sean was older, more experienced, successful. By comparison, Jonathan was but a child, immature. If nothing else, his actions the night before were a testament to that fact. Jonathan felt ashamed. He wasn’t worthy of Dan’s love.

Jonathan used his free hand to stroke through Dan’s hair, amazed at how good it felt to feel him lying there, resting his head on his chest, comforted by him. Jonathan’s conflicted emotions once again railed at the thought that this amazing man could find comfort from the beat of his heart, from the ministrations of his hands on his head.

“Dan,” Jonathan started, “I don’t really know how to say this, so please hear me out.” Dan looked up at him, nodding. “I feel honored that you love me, and scared at the same time. I’m afraid that I’ll never be able to fill Sean’s shoes...” Jonathan had to laugh at his choice of words, remembering the layers of socks he had to wear when he first wore Sean’s winter boots. “I have never loved before, I don’t even know if what I feel for you qualifies as love, and that scares me. I have never been with another man, and I have absolutely nothing to give you. I’m not Sean. I can’t replace him, and I’m afraid that when you realize that, you won’t want me anymore...”

Dan interrupted him gently. “Jon, honey, there are no guarantees for anything in life, ever. I understand that. But please believe me when I tell you that you’re not a replacement for Sean, or a substitute. I can understand that you aren’t able to say that you love me, I totally get that. But believe me that I know how I feel. When you showed up at my doorstep, you literally brought me back to life. I had been vegetating out there in the woods. I was biding my time. I wasn’t living. You rekindled my will to live, fueled my desire to do things, travel, explore, do stuff. I mean, had it not been for you, I would’ve never even accepted the invitations for last night’s party. I would’ve just spent the evening walking with Rascal and going to bed. But you, you make me whole. You make me want to live, to savor every day, every hour, every single minute, and I would be honored if you wanted to do so at my side. If you can’t, I’ll understand, and I’ll learn to live with that...” Dan lied, but how could he possibly pressure Jonathan with the blunt truth that his heart couldn’t take another loss? That it would break for good, if Jonathan also left him.

Jonathan considered Dan’s words, unsure how to reply, until finally, the only appropriate words came to mind. “Happy New Year, Dan!” He lowered his head and kissed Dan’s head. Dan climbed fully onto his bed, and their lips met for a long, passionate, delayed New Year’s kiss.

They lay there for a long time until the nurse eventually returned to take Jonathan’s temperature, and to bring him some tea and a snack.

“JON, WE NEED
to talk,” Dan said, after returning to his lover’s bedside once the doctor left. He hadn’t wanted his voice to sound so ominous, but there were some serious things to consider.

There was the police officer who said he’d return the next morning to take Jon’s statement, the matter of Jon’s father, a possible trial and what that would likely do to Jonathan, not to mention school, graduation, the future, their future. So much to talk about. So much planning to do.

Jonathan still felt weak, he was in no mood to talk about the future, not right then, and he still wasn’t sure he could live up to Dan’s expectations of him. He wasn’t sure if he really could be the man that Dan saw in him. But he had to try. He would try, that was certain, and so they talked.

They spoke of Mr. Kendall’s offer to allow Jonathan to graduate if he completed some extra papers on critical subjects, and took some tests that he missed. He also had to submit to an oral examination. Mr. Kendall agreed that Jonathan didn’t have to return to school and attend any of the classes in the time that remained until he graduated in five months. Jonathan was relieved, as he just couldn’t face his old classmates again. It would all be handled very quietly behind the scenes, and Jonathan could skip the graduation ceremonies.
Maybe
, Jonathan thought,
maybe I’ve underestimated some of the people in my life
. He considered the kindness and willingness to help from Mr. Kendall and the school. Naturally, they had been shocked at the revelation of the lifelong torture that Jonathan had endured at the hands of his father, and Mr. Kendall wondered if there had been any foul play involved in Jonathan’s mother’s death.

Dan and Jonathan talked about college, and what kind of plans Jonathan had for his education. They spoke about moving back into the city, getting a condo so Jonathan could go to school and they’d still see each other daily. They spoke about keeping the cabin as a retreat for weekends and holidays. They spoke about walking Rascal in the park, and it all sounded perfect. So perfect.

They also spoke about the police, the interviews, the potential trial, the implications, the pain of having to rehash a lifetime of beatings and abuse. They spoke about all these things for two days straight, interrupted only by a visit from Mr. Kendall and his wife, and several visits from the police. They needed to interview Jonathan, and tell them that there was no sign of his father anywhere. They later returned for another interview, and finally, a short visit to inform them that his father had been arrested at his grandparent’s house. It was over.

The day before Jonathan was allowed to leave the hospital, Dan returned to the forest to pack more of their clothes, and grab some other essentials. He’d rented a condo near his old one, excited to rebuild his city life.

On the morning of Jonathan’s release from the hospital, Dan picked up Rascal. He was more than happy to be reunited with his pack. They drove back to the hospital, and Dan left the dog in the car while he went upstairs to fetch Jonathan. He wanted to surprise him with the news of the new apartment. Dan knew that before they would drive to their new home, Jonathan probably wanted to visit a different place altogether.

Rascal was wagging his tail and barking when he saw Dan approach the car with Jonathan next to him. Their pack was finally complete again. Jonathan was pale still, but smiling, happy to see the dog’s enthusiastic welcome. They hadn’t said much that morning. Dan felt Jon’s pain about what was to come, and he didn’t want to pressure him into talking about it unless Jon wanted to. Without saying a word, he drove to the cemetery.

When Jonathan noticed the familiar surroundings, he looked at Dan and simply said, “How did you know?”

“I love you, Jon. That’s how I knew...”

They drove up to a little shed of sorts where two workers were busy with tools. Dan rolled down his window and asked them for the grave site of one Jeanette Bates. Following the directions given by the workers, Dan directed the car slowly to the given coordinates. Quietly, the two men left the car, took Rascal by his leash and crossed the short distance from the driveway to the fresh grave where a simple wooden cross indicated the occupied space. The cross held a small plaque, indicating the name, date of birth and death of Jeanette Bates. A few frozen flower bouquets and wreaths were carefully placed on the site.

Dan was holding Jonathan’s hand as they stood quietly and looked at Jeanette’s grave. Jonathan didn’t cry that day, he was still in shock. He still hadn’t quite processed the fact that his mother was dead.

The prosecution had apparently ordered another autopsy on her, requiring her exhumation in the coming days. The police had similar thoughts as Mr. Kendall, and wanted to make sure not to miss the evidence of possible abuse on her body that the first autopsy, after the accident, might have missed.

They remained at the grave for a long time, just looking. Dan wasn’t sure how long Jonathan would need, how long it would take him to accept the events from the last few days and weeks. He needed time for his farewell to his mother. It had taken Dan weeks to take his leave from Sean, returning to the site of his death many times, unable to fathom that he was no longer. Every day Dan found himself looking, hoping to see him peek around a tree, announcing his ruse, a sordid joke that both men would laugh at. Sean would be pleased for having been successful, Dan relieved to have him back in his arms. But no matter how many times Dan returned to the site, no many times he visited Sean’s grave, no ghost, no spirit, no Sean ever appeared. Finally, he stopped returning, unable to face the loss of Sean any longer, he retreated further and further into the house. Hiding in the cabin where Jonathan would appear one year later, waking Dan to life again...

Eventually, Jonathan simply turned around, and walked back to their waiting car.

“Are we going home?” Jon asked as Dan started the engine and drove the car out of the cemetery gates, back onto the city streets.

“You’ll see,” Dan replied, a smile on his face. “I would love it if you thought of it as home. I got us a small apartment near where I used to live. It will allow you to finish school, go to college and me to work in the city again. It’s just a start. If you don’t like it, we can always get something different. But I thought it would be nicer to have a real place than just a hotel room. I was at the house to pick up some of our stuff, to get us going.” He looked over at Jonathan. He was looking at Dan with an expression of both excitement and terror at the same time.
Maybe I’m going too fast
, Dan thought.

“Besides,” Dan added, “the police want you in town. They’ll undoubtedly want to talk to you again.” He hoped this explanation would help convince Jonathan.

The apartment was quite a bit bigger than the cabin. The hallway alone was bigger than the entire living room at the cabin. The kitchen, dining and living areas were arranged in a sort of open space solution, with only the modern furniture separating the various spaces from each other. The kitchen was light and airy, a big cooking island was smack in the middle with a breakfast bar and four chairs attached to it, where they could sit and eat.

The two main features of the living room were a huge, snake-like, white leather sofa, which easily seated a dozen people, and a huge flat screen TV.

Jonathan walked through the room towards the back where he saw another corridor leading away. There he found two bedrooms, a master bedroom with a huge en suite bathroom with separate shower and bath, a walk-in closet the size of their forest cabin bedroom, and an additional guest bedroom. There was a separate bathroom with a nice jacuzzi and more than enough closet space in the hallways.

This was a huge apartment, very luxurious and so very different from their house,
Dan’s house,
in the forest, Jonathan corrected himself.
Our house, our apartment
, he thought again, rolling the words over his mouth as he contemplated the implication.
Maybe it is us, I certainly wouldn’t mind
, Jonathan thought.

They spent the rest of the day in the apartment, getting to know their new home, watching a movie, making love in every room, reconnecting to each other, making it their place. A place where they might eventually be happy. For now they were, and that was all that mattered.

A few days later, a letter addressed to Jonathan arrived from a large law firm. Now that he had resurfaced, his new address was officially registered with the city. While he knew people would find him, it made no sense for a law firm to contact him.

He opened the letter, and started reading.

Dan heard something fall to the floor and turned around to see Jonathan slump on the couch, the letter dropped to the floor. His face was pale and his mouth hung open. “Jon, what’s the matter?” He rushed over to Jonathan, picking up the letter, reading it with Jonathan shaking next to him.

Dear Mr. Bates,

As executors of your mother’s last will and testament, we would like to inform you that she appointed you the sole heir of her estate. We would very much like to invite you to call us, in order to make an appointment to discuss the details.

Yours faithfully,

Parker Jones

Attorney at law, Partner

Dan reread the letter a couple of times before fully grasping its meaning. Not that it was a particularly complex letter, but because the implications of it were so significant. Did Jonathan’s mother actually have an estate? He had always assumed that Jon’s parents were middle class, simple folks. The word estate opened up all kinds of possibilities.

Jonathan had thought the same. He didn’t even know his mother had a bank account. It was the finality of her death, delivered in the form of a letter from a lawyer, that sent him into shock. He didn’t really care about money or wills. There had been so many things left unsaid between them, unresolved. Jonathan had loved his mother, and in hindsight, he had developed a sense of appreciation for the relative protection she provided him. In her own way, she soothed the worst of her husband’s beatings and abuse. Jon was still angry and upset, and probably always would be, but somehow she’d helped him develop coping mechanisms that left him stronger, better able to resist, to fight, to survive.

They called the lawyer and set up an appointment for the next day.